Just need to share - no solution

[Witchesandwizards]

I met my kiwi husband 13 years ago in London, I am 48, he is 42 and we have two children, 10 and 7. We moved to NZ October 2019 against my wishes, but my husband always wanted to come back.

It was always an understanding that at some point we would move to NZ but this was decided before children, before my parents became frail and it kept getting put off as we built a successful and comfortable life in London with a close network of friends. I hoped that this would mean we didn’t have to move. By the time he decided we should move, I didn’t want to, but my husband held me to a ‘promise’ I had made 12 years earlier, and despite a lot of arguments, we set the wheels in motion and moved 6 months ago.

Immediately I felt homesick and suddenly realised that I had taken my life for granted, but emotionally I still felt in control and we threw ourselves into finding a house. And when we moved into that house, I looked forward to our container arriving and then it was Christmas. I spent 4 months either expecting things to improve or busy with the holidays. I still cried, we still had arguments, but nothing could prepare me for how I felt when the kids went back to school.

At the start of February it hit me like a ton of bricks that I have left most of my family and all my friends, my career, the home we renovated together, the city I love and my country of birth. It dawned that the rest of my life could be unhappy, living in a place I hate and don’t belong. At almost 50, I don’t really have much chance of building a life that is as fulfilling as my old one - I feel bereft and trapped. The best way I can describe it is that it feels like I’m in a coma and someone is trying to turn off my life support and however hard I try to yell, I can’t make them understand that I’m alive. I feel trapped in a nightmare - I have lost all control over my life. It’s a horror movie. I can’t even look back at last year and all the planning and believe I actually came. It’s a blur. I don’t know how I got on the plane.
Everything I do reminds me of an occasion, place or person from home. Hundreds of times a day. Music makes me sad, photos make me sad, social media makes me sad. I’ve always been the sort of person who can compartmentalise my problems, and still get up every day and find something to enjoy, putting a face on through hard times and still functioning well at work and socially. But now I only function for the children and nothing brings me joy. I have deserted my parents when they need me most, I argue and fight with my husband in front of the children, I don’t earn a living and I am horrible to live with.

Consequently, we are having terrible marriage problems - I’m not playing ball and embracing life as he wants me to, and he says I am negative. He is the classic extrovert and I am a natural introvert but with extrovert ‘cover’ when needed - he thinks I should socialise more to get out of my rut, find a job (after a 24 year career in advertising, I can’t get work for logistical/childcare reasons, age and now probably recession), and is pissed off that I don’t want to hang out with his family all the time (I don’t particularly get on with them). In return I have been absolutely vile to live with, lashing out (not physically) because I blame and resent him for my situation. He is now talking about separation but has said I can’t take the children home so I would have to stay here with 50% access, spending half my time alone in a country I never wanted to live in. I don’t know if I love him, I can’t see the wood for the trees.
I know I am depressed, but what good are anti-depressants, I need a time machine.

If you got this far thank you! There is nothing anyone can do to help but writing it down maybe helped. Or maybe not. 3.30am and I'm done x

Sorry what’s the point of asking for opinions advice if you only want ones that agree with you? How does anyone grow if you only want opinions that are in line with yours. No one was unkind just offered their view on it. I do think it’s a bit odd to not come back when you don’t get the opinions you want.

Love your passive aggressive tone btw! It’s really working for you

Crikey woosh you really are something else. What a horrible way to live- determined to boot someone off their own support thread (in relationships- not AIBU, the OP probably doesn’t give a shiny shit if you think she’s been unreasonable).

I must admit I also have also wondered why, if you already had a volatile marriage with someone with an alcohol problem, you let yourself be persuaded to fly so far away from the life you loved

@ThePluckOfTheCoward She and her husband agreed to it at the beginning of the relationship, so she probably thought she couldn't backtrack. He also lied about what it'd be like.

I don't think his drinking was as obvious/extreme in London. It has been exacerbated by the family culture.

Some people get narcissistic rage when their country is criticised, even where justified. A bit like the OP's husband, eh? 🤷‍♀️

OP, just ignore it and keep posting here.

@TheCatInAHat oh calm down I didn’t boot her off at all! I said I can see fault on both side because she admitted to calling him the C word and his mum a Fu*king B word I also called him an awful and abusive alcoholic.

But woosh she’s not asking for your judgement, is she? She’s looking for support. And you’re clearly not it. So doing one is the fairest thing all round.

She asked for opinions, good or bad, this is what Mumsnet is for, and I do think that all are valid.

@TheCatInAHat several people have highlighted that the kids are in the middle of warfare here. Whoosh is not bullying anyone, grow up fgs, merely pointing out AS HAVE SEVERAL OTHERS that neither partner here is providing the best environment for the kids. And....narcissistic rage, really???? I have never been to New Zealand, and I think the country's being unfairly attacked on this threat...written off as hicksville....the sort of life OP enjoyed in London sounds really tiresome to me but each to their own, without the need to denigrate whole cultures, eh

Hi OP I've been following the whole thread, not sure why you've suddenly got (bored) people sticking the boot in. Three things:

1. your DH clearly has returned to NZ with an age 20-something mentality. He thought he was going back in his youth, life got in the way in London, but now he's back, he's pretending to be young and free again.
2. The children seem to be treated as secondary here. They are picking up on All Of This. Don't kid yourself. This has potential to fuck them up. Both of you need to prioritise the children's stability and security. Put your arguments aside and talk only about them.
3. You are very, very identifiable. You've changed no personal details, in fact you've given plenty including ages etc and it's a fairly unique situation. It's good that you are getting support here but don't kid yourself that this is anonymous.

Holy shitballs, what the hell happened here? Poor OP came here searching for support and initially got it, then whammo! Kicked in her ovaries! Nice one! She is clearly in an extremely vulnerable place emotionally and legally and you have kicked her while she is down. Let me assure you that holidays are VERY different from living in foreign countries. She had been to NZ before and maybe was trying to resolve her marital issues.

Sorry wrong thread!

I for one feel v sorry for the OP, she was honest about how she had responded to her DH's drunken abuse with name-calling of her own and as a result posters drove the knife in and said 'you're abusive too'. Not helpful

Double standards ever so evident here!

I know people that moved to NZ from London. And then moved straight back. I used to live there and none of the jobs I did or money I earned in London exist in nz. It's a much smaller job market without the same opportunities.
Would I move back? Not in a million years.

OP your husband is definitely playing games, there's more than a touch of the narcissist about him (the nasty specific goading - I had that and used to call him names including cunt) and then took antidepressants so stopped, but he carried on and the more power he got the worse he got. I can see that happening here. At the very least he doesn't care if you live or die as long as he has HIS children and HIS family. You were a useful breeder/early years carer but are no longer needed.

NZ is all set up for men with constant sports but for a woman going from London unless you really like having none of the things you have here (Europe, shopping, tv worth watching etc) it can be miserable.

You have flights booked - I sincerely hope you can get the kids out and get a divorce in London, with their residency here - it's their home ffs. He can fly 26 hours to see them and you can rake them there once they are firmly established in UK schools.
Why should you live in poverty and loneliness? Why would any husband want that for his wife? There is no benefits system the way there is here - you would have to get a job, any job. Council houses are a stopgap.

When you've had a good life in London nz just doesn't compare. Nice beaches on the north shore but omg the suburbs. Just endless fucking suburbs. And driving across that bridge. 😮.

I don't get how children BORN in the UK whole lives there their WHOLE lives can suddenly become NZs property. WTF?

Sorry, my absence isn’t because of the posts, but DD’s hectic birthday weekend.

@Nevertouchakoala I put my hands up - I have admitted that I was hell to live with and was a screaming, name calling banshee.
You try living with someone who disagrees with everything you say, the person who is one of the main reasons I am here. It got to the stage at Christmas that I had to use grey rock - I was so weary of her opinion on everything.

And the ‘he gave it a full go in my home’ isn’t entirely accurate - I lived London for 22 years, he lived there for 19.5 and already had a marriage there under his belt. We were equal there - jobs we enjoyed, social circle, he even saw his family as much as we saw mine albeit it blocks rather than a day here and a day there.
@Fizzysours definitely not a racist dislike. I like Kiwis, just not living in here. I would be the same in my brother’s little West Mids village. It’s just not for me, not least because, if we do split up I cannot survive financially.

Re the children, we haven’t argued with each other since that night of my birthday (April) when they were asleep. He comes home and sees them for an hour every night (his choice, he could stay longer) more at weekends.

Of course I feel terrible for them but what can I do? What do people do when they separate? Should I put up and shut up and stay with him for them? I honestly don’t know.
I’m trying to keep things as normal and busy as possible. Constant play dates and sleepovers when it’s the last thing I want to do. Sports most nights. Talk to them. They know why I am sad, they are both homesick too.

On top of everything my dad is getting visibly weaker. My heart is just about broken. But there are no flights. I can’t get out. Maybe via Australia in the next few months.
Mine is cancelled. Having to make plans for the holidays when I was supposed to be in the UK.
I’m not saying I’m perfect and that he is in the wrong, but there is only so much I can take.
I found a WhatsApp from last June when he says he’s moving here whatever happens. What was I supposed to do?

@Vodkacranberryplease has hit the nail on the head. If you look back at all the previous posters who know Auckland, they have all confirmed my experience.

Sorry...it all does sound very tough. Have you been really explicit with your husband about the possibility of returning home with the kids, if you commit to regular visits to see him / him come to uk?

I agree with Fizzysours - if your DCs are also homesick, your DS is having behavioural issues and your DD friendship issues - then this is an awful lot of deeply entrenched emotional pain that 3 people are burdened with long term in order to facilitate your DH’s delusional ego trip around the business family business and sustain his unhealthy man child / teenage drinking lifestyle.

If all 3 of you spoke calmly and openly about what you each wanted and needed he would be forced to confront a v uncomfortable truth that his DCs happiness and MH, the family unit, his marriage all go under the bus to indulge his false narrative.

Where has he fought for his kids happiness, keeping their family unit in tact - his marriage?

Though often with dysfunctional families - the grown adults still prioritise the needs and wants of their birth family over even their own children and family as they are still stuck in their childhood mindset and emotionally active in that toxic swamp.

The thing is that unless you are usually a screaming banshee (which only you know) then it is possible to become one if you have some spirit. I had a narcissist business partner and I saw the manipulation and games and control and I rebelled. I absolutely was not going to go quietly. In the end I had to do something about it as I said but it didn't stop the games or change anything. It was mildly satisfying watching him try to get a response and not. Watching him try to set me up. But if you have half a brain and are used to living like a person not a slave then fuck it's hard to take. I got rid which solved it.

I honestly think you will never get what you want there. I would be so angry at the shit he has pulled here, getting you over just to basically say 'do my child care but otherwise fuck off'. A good dad doesn't do this to the mother of his children.

If you move to Ponsonby or Parnell or even the beachy ones on the other side (forgot their name but there's a fabulous hidden beach no one knows about down a steep track) Then it's less bad. But at 50 do you want to? I wouldn't.

And it's still 24 fucking hours to the UK. No popping over to France or Spain or Italy. No summer holidays in a nice hotel where someone does it all for you. Just those beach houses which are basically suburbs with one corner shop.

Australia is several hours away and vast (Melbourne is great if you need to go there though). Then the nearest is Fiji, etc. Amazing but longish flights, bloody expensive and you wouldn't get a deal. His family couldn't possibly know and he clearly has as much imagination as a lettuce. How can HE be happy?

I'm not sure if you are only waiting for flights then will get you and the kids out? If so then do it. They are homesick and honestly the education there is fine if you are sports mad but won't set you up for life outside NZ/Aus. I am sure there's UK solicitors that specialise in this.

Obviously it has to be under the radar. You might need to pack up your most treasured things and send them ahead. And start again. Of course he can visit/you can visit. But he can not be trusted so you need the legal side nailed down first. This is too big to let go.

If your kids were happy and having an amazing life then it would be different. Just do it before they get too used to it because it's harder to come back. There's flights to Aus I think. But don't leave the kids behind of you may never see them again. The family will take over and that will be that.

And if you are thinking of family counselling etc great. But do it from the safety of the UK or to lull him into a false sense of security so you can all get out.

I've missed large parts of this thread, so apologies for this, but are you planning to visit the UK, and the last time I caught up, you had found a brilliant GP who pointed out that arriving into a new country takes years to adapt and that's when it's your choice, or words to that effect.

Thing is, if the status quo is that your DH is visiting the kids once a day or so for an hour at a time, this would be, what, 7 hours a week which could be translated as one day in the weekend, so he's hardly setting himself up for 50% residence...

They know why I am sad, they are both homesick too

Please do not put your sadness on them, or please try to hide it from them. It’s very emotionally traumatic, especially in what sounds like a traumatic situation anyway, for children to feel that they are somehow responsible
For their mother’s sadness. And they will feel like that because they love you.

The thing is that unless you are usually a screaming banshee
Not usually but yes, in most of the arguments when he was drunk.
Six days a week we would watch TV with a pot of herbal tea and a blanket over our knees. The dysfunction was not as obvious, and confined to Friday nights which I learned to manage by keeping out of his way.

Just those beach houses which are basically suburbs with one corner shop. And shitty, uncomfortable furniture, having to take all the food we need because the shop is so poorly stocked and expensive, cooking for 10 people most nights, sharing one loo with those 10 people. I'm not a five star girl and love a bit of self catering and camping, but 6 weeks of this....

honestly the education there is fine if you are sports mad but won't set you up for life outside NZ/Aus
This is my big time pressure worry with DD in year 6. Apparently year 6 is seen here as a year of very little learning but instead is a celebration' of coming to the end of primary school, before going to Intermediate for 2 years where they also do very little learning but lots of sports. All the parents I have spoken to are unhappy.

I'm not sure if you are only waiting for flights then will get you and the kids out?
Unfortunately just a holiday. He won't let me leave at the moment.

So DDs homesickness is very real, very considered.
Comments like 'they have better weather here but they don't make use of it and prefer to play on devices. When I had playdates with (UK friends) we used to play out/go on our bikes/play on the trampoline etc.
Or 'they are so grown up here and want to wear make up and have boyfriends, at home we were just friends with everyone'.
She even misses homework!
I think DS would be happy in both but that the UK would 'win' if push came to shove.

@ilovemydogandMrObama
I'm hoping that I can get more than 50% so I'm keeping quiet about the sparse contact.

On a side note, I recently read a statistic that states that 50% of people who emigrate to NZ 'permanently' end up returning home, much higher than other countries. It's not just me being an arse about it.

But do you think your children are picking up on your sadness and homesickness and it’s directing their own emotions and feelings? Is DD just making these comments apropos of nothing or are you prompting her?