Just need to share - no solution

[Witchesandwizards]

I met my kiwi husband 13 years ago in London, I am 48, he is 42 and we have two children, 10 and 7. We moved to NZ October 2019 against my wishes, but my husband always wanted to come back.

It was always an understanding that at some point we would move to NZ but this was decided before children, before my parents became frail and it kept getting put off as we built a successful and comfortable life in London with a close network of friends. I hoped that this would mean we didn’t have to move. By the time he decided we should move, I didn’t want to, but my husband held me to a ‘promise’ I had made 12 years earlier, and despite a lot of arguments, we set the wheels in motion and moved 6 months ago.

Immediately I felt homesick and suddenly realised that I had taken my life for granted, but emotionally I still felt in control and we threw ourselves into finding a house. And when we moved into that house, I looked forward to our container arriving and then it was Christmas. I spent 4 months either expecting things to improve or busy with the holidays. I still cried, we still had arguments, but nothing could prepare me for how I felt when the kids went back to school.

At the start of February it hit me like a ton of bricks that I have left most of my family and all my friends, my career, the home we renovated together, the city I love and my country of birth. It dawned that the rest of my life could be unhappy, living in a place I hate and don’t belong. At almost 50, I don’t really have much chance of building a life that is as fulfilling as my old one - I feel bereft and trapped. The best way I can describe it is that it feels like I’m in a coma and someone is trying to turn off my life support and however hard I try to yell, I can’t make them understand that I’m alive. I feel trapped in a nightmare - I have lost all control over my life. It’s a horror movie. I can’t even look back at last year and all the planning and believe I actually came. It’s a blur. I don’t know how I got on the plane.
Everything I do reminds me of an occasion, place or person from home. Hundreds of times a day. Music makes me sad, photos make me sad, social media makes me sad. I’ve always been the sort of person who can compartmentalise my problems, and still get up every day and find something to enjoy, putting a face on through hard times and still functioning well at work and socially. But now I only function for the children and nothing brings me joy. I have deserted my parents when they need me most, I argue and fight with my husband in front of the children, I don’t earn a living and I am horrible to live with.

Consequently, we are having terrible marriage problems - I’m not playing ball and embracing life as he wants me to, and he says I am negative. He is the classic extrovert and I am a natural introvert but with extrovert ‘cover’ when needed - he thinks I should socialise more to get out of my rut, find a job (after a 24 year career in advertising, I can’t get work for logistical/childcare reasons, age and now probably recession), and is pissed off that I don’t want to hang out with his family all the time (I don’t particularly get on with them). In return I have been absolutely vile to live with, lashing out (not physically) because I blame and resent him for my situation. He is now talking about separation but has said I can’t take the children home so I would have to stay here with 50% access, spending half my time alone in a country I never wanted to live in. I don’t know if I love him, I can’t see the wood for the trees.
I know I am depressed, but what good are anti-depressants, I need a time machine.

If you got this far thank you! There is nothing anyone can do to help but writing it down maybe helped. Or maybe not. 3.30am and I'm done x

Irrelevant.
We're not alcoholic, abusive lying arseholes.

Also, he knows Witches has recorded him.

At no point, Crispy, is the husband in this scenario remotely bothered about what the OP or her children want. He is not trying to make anything better for her. He is trying to make things better for himself, and himself alone.

@thumbwitchesabroad - of course it’s relevant. There was a thread on here recently where a husband was recording his wife because he thought she was cheating. Everyone thought the husband was abusive to record her. Yet our OP here is not abusive to record?

I feel desperately sorry for the children in this situation.

Personally, I can’t believe any family would undertake such an enormous upheaval without very, very careful consideration - particularly of their children’s needs. If you felt forced, you shouldn’t have gone - knowing how much this would disrupt their lives. Now that they are there, they deserve two parents who are making their needs and interests the absolute priority - yet he’s abusing you - and I’m sorry - but I would say that secretly recording your husband is abusive too. You BOTH need to do your VERY best to make this work for your children, rather than causing them another almighty disruption. It sounds like you have a lovely house, and I never realised New Zealand was such a hell hole?? People have a LOT less than you, particularly during this pandemic.

If you don't believe it, report it and leave the thread.

No, she's not "abusive" to record her actually-abusive drunkard husband abusing and gaslighting her, jeez, get a hold of yourself!
There is no comparison with the other situation you have mentioned.

If you've never been in a relationship where someone lies and gaslights and tells you that the sky is green until you believe them, contrary to your own instincts, then you have no fucking clue what it's like.

I don't believe you've even read all of Witches' posts properly if you're so quick to condemn her.

@ThumbWitchesAbroad I think many people would see secret recording as a huge invasion of personal privacy. It’s not illegal - but I would say it was abusive. As said earlier - a mumsnetter had a thread here - her husband was secretly recording her believing she was having an affair. This behaviour was considered abusive by other posters. What’s the difference?

You are supporting a very one sided opinion of events - and the husband is not here to give his version. The children’s best interests should be at the forefront of everyone’s mind when posting here.

New Zealand is virus free and has a great prime minister from what I can see. Why is it so awful?

Why the fuck are you bothering to post on here, poppop"? You're not supportive, you're calling the distressed poster who started this thread abusive, you're telling her that her lived experience is irrelevant and she should basically suck it all up because "NZ if virus free and has a great PM".

I AM supporting Witches because that is WHY she posted on here. We only EVER get one side of a story because that's the way the forum works.

The children's best interests haven't been taken into account by their fucking drunkard father but you expect that their mother should just lay down and let him get his way because that's in their best interests?

Nice.

I don't really understand where you're coming from Pop. You seem to have an axe of your own to grind.

Virus-free and great prime minister is all good and well, but to move from a country where you're independent and self-supporting to a country where you are financially dependent is not easy. And the omnipresent alcoholic family adds another layer to the mix.

The best thing the OP can do for her children is to get herself in a position where she's independent and self-sufficient again, whether in NZ or in the UK.

X-posted with Thumb, I agree.

I wonder if this is a member of the abusive Husband's family? Or the Husband, himself?

Agree with Thumb and marfisa

It has actually crossed my mind that Pop might be the husband but I think that's unlikely. It's just the 'What about teh poor menz' attitude that seems misplaced. He's in his own country now with his own family, he is controlling the finances, the OP moved countries for him and then he told her that he wants to split up. It's a very unequal power dynamic, which is why the OP needs support.

X-posted with Cat about Pop being the husband

A new POV from the other several hundred messages of support may be useful to the OP?

@marfisa

I don’t think it’s fair to jump on someone for offering another point of view, or seeing things differently.

OP’s husband did his time in the UK. He communicated clearly from the beginning he would go back to NZ one day, so as not to waste her time. He stuck it out for over a decade in the UK and now OP agreed to go over there. She hates it. Of course that’s her right. And she dislikes his family (and I don’t blame her, they sound awful). But it’s probably been quite challenging for him to effectively get to realise his dream, only to find his wife is desperately unhappy/hates his country and his family.

Can people not see that? The relationship sounds very unhealthy and volatile. I know it’s “verboten” but I had a look at some previous posts by the OP where she was freaking out at him for not following her schedule of exactly what to do with the children whilst she was away for the week. They do not seem well suited. He does seem to be treating her badly, there is an imbalance of power. But equally she has been screaming at him and calling him a cunt and making comments about his drinking to his children.

No one is coming out of this smelling of roses. In my opinion, anyway. I think OP has come a long way since the beginning of the thread, and it’s excellent that she has the support system here for advice, but ultimately there are children involved and some of the advice (eg taking the children illegally back to the UK) has not been helpful at all. Nor is blaming EVERYTHING on the husband.

For what it's worth, I'm another tentatively raising my head about the parapet. I absolutely agree with @crispysausagerolls.

OP's circumstances have clearly struck a chord with a number of posters and I'm sure this thread has been really helpful to OP, who is undoubtedly in a very, very difficult situation. But certain bits of it seem to be fanning the flames around some of OP's less constructive thoughts or interpretations of events. Jumping on alternative opinions so absolutely narrows the discussion right down, which I don't think serves the OP well.

There's presenting an alternative POV (which is fine, and potentially useful)

And there's what Pop is posting, which is just putting the boot into the OP, giving her a good kicking while she is down.
A world of difference!

Well said Crispysausagerolls.

@Catmaiden I don’t read it as pop ‘putting a boot in’.
OP can filter what she pays attention to on her thread.
There may be some truth there, as hard as that might be to accept.
Or not.
We don’t know.
OP has had tremendous support at an incredibly difficult time. I think we can all imagine how trapped one would feel in this situation.
I’d like to think however, if this was me posting, I’d wince at the harder posts but try and see if there’s something there to take away.

I have followed the thread from the beginning and made several constructive posts. My advice has been for the OP to disengage and try to get to a space of calm negotiation around separation arrangements, as this represents her best chance of either going home or making a viable life for herself in NZ.

Ultimately she is responsible for her own conduct and, in the present situation, needs to think very carefully before engaging in any further verbal outbursts (even if provoked) or making recordings without someone's consent.

I also think with the recordings it’s like this:

Making your own recordings privately as a record for yourself/to be clear about what he has said is one thing.

Making recordings and sending them to your friends and then feeding back the responses from your friends is extremely provocative. If he had been filming some of your screaming outbursts calling him a cunt etc and showed them to his family and friends and said “everyone thinks you are unhinged” it would not serve any purpose other than upsetting you.

I’m at the gym so will respond to the recording thing quickly as there is a lot more involved in the other comments.

Since we met 13 years ago we have been having arguments when he is drunk and me less so or sober. He has always used emotionally abusive tactics, goading, smirking, and my reaction is to shout, cry and call him names. Then, after the fact, EVERY SINGLE TIME he denies any wrongdoing and tells me I am abusive.
That is the script all our friends and the kids have been told.
Classic (as I know now) Water Torturer.

If recording him somehow proves that (and it did with bells on), I feel it’s justified.

The reason I played it to a couple of close friends (and only a one minute edit of an hour of recordings) was because there was something chilling about his tone that made it even worse than the words themselves. I needed people to understand what I am going through. To not just say ‘oh, it’s only been 6 months it’ll get better, and at least you don’t have Boris Johnson for PM’.
Unless you have been in my situation, I don’t think you can understand the loneliness and despair I feel.

And I wish I had recorded the ‘social housing’ conversation now because he’s denying it. Despite the fact I cane straight herd and posted. Now do the recordings make sense?

Oh, and we might have no Coronavirus, but we do have the highest rate of teen death in developed countries, a huge domestic violence problem, including child abuse, well documented workplace bullying.... NZ is not done sort of Nirvana.