Just need to share - no solution

[Witchesandwizards]

I met my kiwi husband 13 years ago in London, I am 48, he is 42 and we have two children, 10 and 7. We moved to NZ October 2019 against my wishes, but my husband always wanted to come back.

It was always an understanding that at some point we would move to NZ but this was decided before children, before my parents became frail and it kept getting put off as we built a successful and comfortable life in London with a close network of friends. I hoped that this would mean we didn’t have to move. By the time he decided we should move, I didn’t want to, but my husband held me to a ‘promise’ I had made 12 years earlier, and despite a lot of arguments, we set the wheels in motion and moved 6 months ago.

Immediately I felt homesick and suddenly realised that I had taken my life for granted, but emotionally I still felt in control and we threw ourselves into finding a house. And when we moved into that house, I looked forward to our container arriving and then it was Christmas. I spent 4 months either expecting things to improve or busy with the holidays. I still cried, we still had arguments, but nothing could prepare me for how I felt when the kids went back to school.

At the start of February it hit me like a ton of bricks that I have left most of my family and all my friends, my career, the home we renovated together, the city I love and my country of birth. It dawned that the rest of my life could be unhappy, living in a place I hate and don’t belong. At almost 50, I don’t really have much chance of building a life that is as fulfilling as my old one - I feel bereft and trapped. The best way I can describe it is that it feels like I’m in a coma and someone is trying to turn off my life support and however hard I try to yell, I can’t make them understand that I’m alive. I feel trapped in a nightmare - I have lost all control over my life. It’s a horror movie. I can’t even look back at last year and all the planning and believe I actually came. It’s a blur. I don’t know how I got on the plane.
Everything I do reminds me of an occasion, place or person from home. Hundreds of times a day. Music makes me sad, photos make me sad, social media makes me sad. I’ve always been the sort of person who can compartmentalise my problems, and still get up every day and find something to enjoy, putting a face on through hard times and still functioning well at work and socially. But now I only function for the children and nothing brings me joy. I have deserted my parents when they need me most, I argue and fight with my husband in front of the children, I don’t earn a living and I am horrible to live with.

Consequently, we are having terrible marriage problems - I’m not playing ball and embracing life as he wants me to, and he says I am negative. He is the classic extrovert and I am a natural introvert but with extrovert ‘cover’ when needed - he thinks I should socialise more to get out of my rut, find a job (after a 24 year career in advertising, I can’t get work for logistical/childcare reasons, age and now probably recession), and is pissed off that I don’t want to hang out with his family all the time (I don’t particularly get on with them). In return I have been absolutely vile to live with, lashing out (not physically) because I blame and resent him for my situation. He is now talking about separation but has said I can’t take the children home so I would have to stay here with 50% access, spending half my time alone in a country I never wanted to live in. I don’t know if I love him, I can’t see the wood for the trees.
I know I am depressed, but what good are anti-depressants, I need a time machine.

If you got this far thank you! There is nothing anyone can do to help but writing it down maybe helped. Or maybe not. 3.30am and I'm done x

@MaybeDoctor
It was a bit rash but I did it because I finally had enough and wanted to tell him he needed to make his own arrangements for last night. I’ve still been shopping, cooking, clearing up.
I’m really struggling in the evenings because I’ve been waking up in a panic at 2-3am every night for weeks and mostly not going back to sleep. I thought it would improve now I’m back doing proper exercise but it hasn’t, so by 6/7pm I’m knackered and the last thing I want to do is make him dinner.
I spend an afternoon or two a week batch cooking and freeze healthy meals for the kids to relieve pressure in the evening.

@BlueTide
I haven’t read your thread but I will do, and please don’t worry - if my thread can prevent someone else making my mistake it is worth it. The support I have received has been instrumental in getting me to where I am now and happy to share X

Ok, tonight I will be more civil.
I need to get him back to neutral.
It’s very hard - my initial despair has now turned to anger. I’ll try and reign it in. X

@Witchesandwizards

I'm divorcing - be stbxh wants me to relocate and divorce him in his country!

I can understand you feeling angry though, and not wanting to cook for him, it is so hard to not feel that resentment and anger. I'm pleased you've all the supportive messages on here, and truly hope you find a way out of this.

Try to remember that every time you show anger or emotion you are giving away strength. Just keep calm and matter-of-fact. 'the marriage hasn't worked out, I need to go back to UK, just working out how to make sure he sees DC every year.'

The waking at 3am with anxiety and insomnia is classic meno. I had that and had zero worries IRL at the time. Never had anxiety before (have had depression) and it was quite a specific feeling of doom - it then fucks your mood all day as you are exhausted. Are you taking HRT?

It might also be the trauma of your situation or both. Sorting sleep is fundamental. How are you getting on with the other self care initiatives recommended by your GP?

Lost you for a while there, @Witchesandwizards but found your thread to link it for someone else.

Pleased to see you here too Bluetide - hopefully that will set your resolve in stone not to allow your dick H to browbeat you into moving abroad!

Witches - is there the remotest chance that your second solicitor and your barrister could talk to each other and maybe find some case precedents that would help you? I understand that this may not be possible, owing to professional etiquette etc. but I think you need your best chance to be explored.

And, could you contact privately the person who was offering you the Galapagos shoot, to see if they could offer you a contract of sorts?

What would happen if your H died suddenly, by the way? would you be free to leave? As he's drinking so much, it's not a completely unheard of possibility, but I just wondered what the outcome would be?

OP I've read all your posts and you've done very well to come this far.

I think you need to be very clever about this, get the evidence you need even if you have to play dirty. Find out from your lawyer what you need to get custody and get that evidence, whatever it is. Ultimately if you have a few pictures of some bruises, then that's not going to hurt your case... Don't feel guilty, he's the one who has brought you out here on false pretences, financially ruined you and acted like an absolute dickhead.

I would also stop protecting your kids from the reality of the situation with their dad and his relatives, as if they become very homesick and know that going back home was an option if they wanted to then you've got a more powerful case.

Then I'd bargain with him, maybe along these lines? Say you'll leave anyway and you could get 70% of estate and 100% custody. But if he agrees to let the three of you go back to London you'll let him have everything other than the house you've still got in London. Ultimately I'd rather walk away without a penny and get him to sign off returning to London then stay but with a larger settlement.

Ultimately you know better than we do what he'll go for. But if you and the kids are all making a united case for going back then he knows he'll lose his relationship with the kids if he is the one keeping them there despite being unhappy. If that's then coupled with a good deal if you divorce then maybe he'll go for it?

I hope you get home OP....I really do. I emigrated 4 years ago with my Aussie DH but I'm happy.

Even though I'm happy, I know how hard it can be...so to be UNHAPPY and coping must be terrible.

Be careful he can't EVER access this account. Your comment about the fake job might scupper you.

I've now read the whole thread.... I really hope you can be back here, with your kids and your lovely parents....

It strikes me all along your husband spun a tale re how fantastic NZ was, and the family business, and he really doesn't like it you are asking questions he can't answer..... As fundamentally you are right, he has misled /lied to you.

Even 'minor' issues like travelling to and from work from North shore.... He MUST have known this.....but this small bit of information effectively keeps you not working.....( It's like a foreign pal thought she could easily livin the wrong end of Londo-no tube /decent overground-and get to a pretty inaccessible part of London.... I advised her to try the journey before signing a contract.... It was 2 1/4 hours each way and that was off peak)....

The emotional abuse sadly shines large here... He's trying to construct a narrative around you being the 'mad: wife who just won't get back in her box and play the meek wife.

So glad you're getting angry and using this energy to build your case....

I'm wondering when your husband has all this laid out in front of him (esp related to business) ..... Could you do a deal(horrid when talking re your poor kids).... Where perhaps you can let him have more than his fair share for you to escape back here...??

Please don't do anything handwritten as someone else said.... I've seen these sort of diaries being discovered and used too many times against the woman. It sounds as if you're doing something online..

I wonder could you instruct a lawyer and then send them regular diary dumps so they can date stamp for evidence?

Thinking of you with the weekend looming again - hope you're ok

I'm glad you've got the beginnings of a plan op.

@ThumbWitchesAbroad
Thank you - slightly overwhelming having a long, wet weekend but DH stayed out last night. We had another of his 'deals' in the UK that he went out every Friday night. This was obviously set up to suit him, but now I'm using it to suit me and making him go out every Friday night (we had a deal right?!). It's my favourite night!
DS had his friend's birthday party this morning, and he is my closest friend's son so I hung out with her until lunchtime, and DH arrived home soon after we did, then left an hour later to go and see a friend he hasn't seen since primary school. And stay apparently. So cosy movie night with the kidlings. They bloody love him, but don't seem that fazed by him not being here.

I'm having a wobble because if I was at home I could see my parents on Monday and they are nit doing well - spoke to mum last night and she said that dad has lost his 'oooomph'. Not surprising, but hard to hear.

I've also worked out roughly how much I need to live alone and it's a minimum of $4k per month which is scary. And this doesn't include ANY extras - clothes, medical etc. I'm slightly screwed but will talk to the lawyer about it. At the moment this is the only thing stopping me from telling him to do one.

I’ve been quietly following your thread. You are doing brilliantly in a crappy situation.

I really hope to open this thread to find that you have worked through this and are on a plane home with your children. Good luck 🙂

Sending you strength x

Document that he was gone all weekend partying, and you had the kids alone, though... just one more thing to fuel your fire. He really is an immature twat that has morphed back into a teenager hasn’t he?

I don't know if this helps but I've been interviewing successfully in London from Sydney. All of the UK firms are working from home so they're treating it as normal to be using Zoom. I've sent up a UK number using a firm called Swytch, that they are calling me on (automatically forwards to my AU number for GBP5/month) and taking Zoom calls/interviews between 7am and 11am UK time.

I'm tentatively waiting on an offer and have already reached out to a number of schools/got quotes for shipping. Perhaps you could also channel some of your anger into some of this admin work too - it will add to your ammunition pile.

@justilou1 I'm happier when he isn't here so I encourage his Friday nights out, but last night I don't even know where he was (other than with the old school friend) and he told the kids he would see them today and hasn't turned up yet (9.30pm). So yes, more to documenting.
Just spoke to my mum and she asked whose birthday party DH and BIL were at on Friday - she's on his FB and I'm not, so I had to fudge it.

Feeling very lonely and bored - if it was a bank holiday at home we would be very busy. I literally have nothing to do.

Next week the kids start back with most of their sports so it will keep me busy.

@pinotgrigio The state of my industry isn't much different in the UK at the moment, so I am more likely to get freelance or ask a favour of a supplier so I probably can't get any work from here, but good to know that it's working for you.

He stayed out Friday night and hasn't come home and it's Sunday.
Wow! Just Wow!

I've been where you are with my ex going out. Honestly, every minute he was gone was a time of respite and peace. I wouldn't have cared one jot if he was gone all night. In fact, I probably would have been relieved!

Just take what moments of peace and quiet you can get, however they come. Consider every moment he's gone as a victory.

Gutsick, I think you need to start your own thread, under Relationships. You will get your own responses there too.

Has he come home, OP? Did you decide not to tell him to move into his parents place?

He came home on Monday morning relatively early after staying at his parents' (empty house). He's drinking away from the house - he hasn't drunk here for weeks now - as he knows I am keeping an eye on him. Slightly more positively he is catching up with his old friends individually rather than just hanging out with BIL and his friends.

I've told him he needs to stay there until he is prepared to talk to me and explain why we are in this situation and where he thinks we go from here.
He did say that he had always told me he needs to 'earn' his share of the business (he didn't) so I asked him what are the conditions/timeline and of course he couldn't answer.

We need to sort it out. We can't have an acrimonious separation for the children. I'm so sad for them. This time last year they were secure, happy-go-lucky kids with a abundance of lovely people around them. Now I'm trying to organise a birthday disco for DD and she only has 3 people she wants to invite and DS keeps asking me to make friends with his friend's mummies so he can go to their houses. Just a little bit heart-breaking.

Oh @witchesandwizards, you poor thing. This is really tough. You have done really well to hold it together. It seems like you are making progress towards a separation, albiet 'D' H is still being a bit of a dick and not wanting to own his part in this (because then he'd have to admit that his family are a pack of a-holes).

Re your DD - I was in the same situation a while ago with DSD (aged 12) due to changing school. I booked them into Dr Rudi's rooftop - it's a random combination of a rooftop bowling alley and pub in the Viadcut - I know that sounds terrible but they have set it up very well for that tween/early teen age group and have mocktails and age appropriate food etc. I found having a bit of a destination and buzz around helped detract from the limited numbers. Just a random thought!

Also, I know you mentioned earlier that your husband was salting away a fair bit into kiwsaver - I'm sure your lawyer will advise better but from seeing a few friends go through it, I know Kiwisaver is essentially treated like a cash asset in a divorce and is fair game for an even split as starting point.

It will be tough seeing your kids go throught that. Kids are very resilient though. Maybe a postive way to spin it would be to see it as time for the three of you that you probably won't have when you return to England and normal life resumes (and I'm sure you will get back there). Maybe you could do something like pick random restaurants off the Metro Cheap Eats lists and visit a different one each weekend (sans booze soaked H of course). Probalby the last thing you feel like doing but sometimes having something to look forward to helps, even if it is only getting out of your suburb for a plate of dumplings!

Keep going - you are doing well and at least that grey long weekend is over!

A lot seems to be disintegrating right in front of your eyes with your DH. Are these his first steps of “leaving you after lockdown” threat / decision? Him drinking away from the house doesn’t really achieve too much for him - because then you can just point to him abandoning you all instead. Log it all.

I wonder if the whole business is a rotten egg? Maybe he has been stung also and has regrets that he is hiding? It sounds worse and worse each time you talk about it. Also how is his career / job satisfaction? I am wondering if he might be missing the buzz and fun of a big professional organisation? Would he ever want to return to the UK and his old job/industry?

Could your marriage / family life recover if you did?

Asking him about the details of the family business will be futile if you approach it in an accusatory and hostile tone. He will withdraw and become defensive and you will learn nothing.

Have you been back to your GP for a review and have you been able to keeping up with all of her recommendations? Are you actively looking out for your mental and physical health?

Where do you plan to go with this? You said that you need $4000/ month to survive - is this only for NZ? Have you done similar calculations for a life back in the UK?

You have a holiday booked for July. Frankly I wouldn’t go back. The kids haven’t been in NZ long enough to be settled. Once you are in the UK you can negotiate contact. It doesn’t sound like your husband will return to the UK so it will probably be a couple of weeks in the summer when he visits you.