Just need to share - no solution

[Witchesandwizards]

I met my kiwi husband 13 years ago in London, I am 48, he is 42 and we have two children, 10 and 7. We moved to NZ October 2019 against my wishes, but my husband always wanted to come back.

It was always an understanding that at some point we would move to NZ but this was decided before children, before my parents became frail and it kept getting put off as we built a successful and comfortable life in London with a close network of friends. I hoped that this would mean we didn’t have to move. By the time he decided we should move, I didn’t want to, but my husband held me to a ‘promise’ I had made 12 years earlier, and despite a lot of arguments, we set the wheels in motion and moved 6 months ago.

Immediately I felt homesick and suddenly realised that I had taken my life for granted, but emotionally I still felt in control and we threw ourselves into finding a house. And when we moved into that house, I looked forward to our container arriving and then it was Christmas. I spent 4 months either expecting things to improve or busy with the holidays. I still cried, we still had arguments, but nothing could prepare me for how I felt when the kids went back to school.

At the start of February it hit me like a ton of bricks that I have left most of my family and all my friends, my career, the home we renovated together, the city I love and my country of birth. It dawned that the rest of my life could be unhappy, living in a place I hate and don’t belong. At almost 50, I don’t really have much chance of building a life that is as fulfilling as my old one - I feel bereft and trapped. The best way I can describe it is that it feels like I’m in a coma and someone is trying to turn off my life support and however hard I try to yell, I can’t make them understand that I’m alive. I feel trapped in a nightmare - I have lost all control over my life. It’s a horror movie. I can’t even look back at last year and all the planning and believe I actually came. It’s a blur. I don’t know how I got on the plane.
Everything I do reminds me of an occasion, place or person from home. Hundreds of times a day. Music makes me sad, photos make me sad, social media makes me sad. I’ve always been the sort of person who can compartmentalise my problems, and still get up every day and find something to enjoy, putting a face on through hard times and still functioning well at work and socially. But now I only function for the children and nothing brings me joy. I have deserted my parents when they need me most, I argue and fight with my husband in front of the children, I don’t earn a living and I am horrible to live with.

Consequently, we are having terrible marriage problems - I’m not playing ball and embracing life as he wants me to, and he says I am negative. He is the classic extrovert and I am a natural introvert but with extrovert ‘cover’ when needed - he thinks I should socialise more to get out of my rut, find a job (after a 24 year career in advertising, I can’t get work for logistical/childcare reasons, age and now probably recession), and is pissed off that I don’t want to hang out with his family all the time (I don’t particularly get on with them). In return I have been absolutely vile to live with, lashing out (not physically) because I blame and resent him for my situation. He is now talking about separation but has said I can’t take the children home so I would have to stay here with 50% access, spending half my time alone in a country I never wanted to live in. I don’t know if I love him, I can’t see the wood for the trees.
I know I am depressed, but what good are anti-depressants, I need a time machine.

If you got this far thank you! There is nothing anyone can do to help but writing it down maybe helped. Or maybe not. 3.30am and I'm done x

Thanks ladies.
Creative writing challenge accepted and new email set up x

I think I missed a few questions just before the weekend.
@pollyglot - the starting point is 50:50 but my lawyer said I would be more than likely to get 70:30 because of 'economic disparity'. Basically I went part time to do childcare in the UK and earned a quarter of what he did, and now I have moved countries for DH's job where my skills are not easily transferrable. Whereas he pretty much has a job for life as MD of his parents' company that turns over $300k pcm.
@Oliversmumsarmy We own our own house with a significant amount of equity. Enough that if I do get 70:30 I could afford a modest 3 bed house almost outright.
@shootmenow2020 - I have notes of his drinking but no actual proof. I'll get on it.

Thanks x

As Kiwi journalist in a shrinking, underfunded industry (not sure if you have seen the latest about Stuff/NZME) I think your investigative journalism ambitions are a bit unrealistic. There are only a handful of such journos in NZ and they had to live and breathe their job to get there. I must also defend my colleagues and say they do an amazing job considering how overworked and underpaid they are.

A PI on the other hand... there don’t seem to be many around!

Also with my journo hat on - you’ve given a lot of detail away on this thread, are you concerned someone (his family) might recognise you?

Harakeke, did you join the thread to provide support or just nitpick? The OP is doing marvelously well to get out of a dreadful situation and I think mentioned the possibility of a journalism course just once or twice.

Good luck to you OP, I am married to a Kiwi myself and recognise a lot of what you say about the culture and way of life.

@LifeAfterBreastCancer

Huh? I’ve commented on the thread several times. Have YOU joined the thread just to nitpick at me? 🙄

Harakeke - apologies. I hadn't realised you'd been involved all along. My mistake.

Harakeke good shout to be realistic about careers in journalism in any country. But if OP wants to do a course for personal fulfilment then that’s valid. Also need to think of global opportunities beyond NZ - the world is now online - you could write / trade / consult on anything anywhere. One of my colleagues moved back to NZ 20 years ago - she continued writing for me for 3 years until she had established herself there in a totally different profession.

OP be v careful of killing the goose that lays the golden egg. You don’t need to be taking any actions right now to scupper their lifestyle / business - bide your time.

I am also thinking of your DCs and wondering why it is assumed that hanging at the dreary beach house at weekends is acceptable. Be more ambitious for your DCs - get them surrounded by inspirational interesting people, schedule in stimulating social, cultural, intellectual activities with them - so that when it comes to the weekends it’s “No we can’t go dad because we are meeting up with x,y,z - we are going to the a,b,c event, festival, etc - we have our blah, blah class, group,”

Get them away from these dreary life sucking alcoholics - immerse them in a much more enriching life - find your tribe and the people with the values, aspirations, behaviours you have and want your DCs to have.

This dreadful toxic alcoholic family life seems to be sucking them in - they don’t have to live that life and YOU can present and provide a much more emotionally, socially, culturally and intellectually stimulating, enriching and attractive alternative.

Wishing you all the bests, OP. Really hoping you get to go back to the UK.
I have been where you are, roughly, in terms of my marriage but not in a foreign country. You have no idea how much better you will feel when even out of that.

Actually, I don't think Harakeke is all that wrong - at this present time you will probably need something very stable where it is reasonably easy to get a job and manage it around childcare. Taking a NZ marketing qualification would probably be a better bet.

On another note, can you try collecting receipts showing alcohol purchases or bills from family meals?

I would heed @Harakeke 's post - journalism has been actively heavily decimated here. And of course it's needed more than ever, but it's not getting the funding. If you want to study it - your options are limited, your subsequent work options will be even more limited. I hate to say it and I wish it wasn't true, but equally OP is trying to get ahead, and that's difficult if the path of choice begins and ends with disappointment, with maybe a stroke of luck in the middle. Of course there is a lot that can be done online, but the basic principle behind investigative journalism in particular is the joy of doing the actual footwork, I would have thought?!

For posters not from NZ - this is not something that's known much outside of here, but we do have a low wage economy, high rates of child poverty and pockets of huge need. That explains, in part, why funding becomes scarce for the arts, the avenues for balanced critique and other things that are seen as non-essential. We've only recently moved left of centre (just) in government and our previous government was systematically either cutting or freezing spending on health and education services, while increasing prison spending and pursuing other populist-friendly ideas. Apologies for turning political, but it might shed light on why we are advising caution, when we'd love not to!

Not to derail but talented and seasoned journalists are losing their jobs worldwide. Be a bit more pragmatic about what will get you employed and paid.

Gutterton is right about showing them there is another way. That drinking alcohol at every opportunity isn’t the way to live your life.

Lots of ECAs and learning things that will take them further afield when they get older.

Surround them with ideas of getting out of NZ at 18.
The family business might look like it is profitable but for their generation having been split 3/4 ways for their fathers generation even if it does survive splitting it into 6ths 7ths or 8ths means the money won’t be there. I would counteract the drip of One Day this business will be yours from that side of the family just in case one of your dc get their head turned.

Couldn’t agree more with what @Gutterton says. It will bode very well for you in court too, especially if you are attempting to nurture the interests that they had back home. Also recommend counselling for the kids. Navigating what is undoubtedly going to be an acrimonious breakup with toxic extended family in this new, foreign environment is going to be tough. I keep thinking about what you said about DD being bullied and excluded at school as well. She may not be as unwilling to return to UK as you may think. Make sure you have open dialogue about this school situation. Don’t allow people to minimize her feelings. (This is undoubtedly how DH & BIL’s dynamic has developed over time, and how things with the wunderkind’s kids will be also... very, very toxic...)

One of the things I thought of, what is the criteria for benefits? Is it resident based or citizenship based?

If you are going to play the long game, then it may be an idea to look into this. DH and I are at a low ebb, and recently looked into it from the British perspective and as an American, despite living here in the UK for over 20 years (and working) am entitled to nothing.

So, am looking into citizenship - just in case.

Make sure you have open dialogue about this school situation. Don’t allow people to minimize her feelings.

I think this is spot on. Do not be scared to ask both of your DCs to open up and express what they are missing from the UK and what challenges they have felt settling in. If it’s all been a breeze they miss nothing and are 100% loving it - then that’s good to hear, if they have reservations and yearnings then they need to be heard so that these can be acknowledged and addressed. Ask them directly - do they want to go back to the UK. Their opinion is valid.

How's it going, OP?

Hi guys

I had a bit of a mumsnet hiatus settling the kids back in to school, catching up with friends for coffee and getting back into the gym and swimming. DD is back friends with Mean Girls - it's the way it goes with them but she seems happy. We do talk a lot and she uses my phone to contact them on my FB messenger so I know everything that's going on.

The journalism thing was a bit tongue in cheek. I know that people are being helpful, but as we moved I have a lot of ‘what have you dreamed of doing/you can reinvent yourself/the world is your oyster’. But of course it isn’t - I have to be realistic about what I can do that will now make enough money to support a household and to be honest I’m stumped. I met up with a mum from school today who has worked in advertising and lost her job at lockdown - she put the last nail in the coffin for that option. The market is screwed. Every market is screwed. She’s looking at cleaning jobs to make ends meet as her husband is also on a reduced salary at the moment. She also mentioned the exact opposite of what my husband told me - that companies are more likely to employ locals than migrants. DH told me I would be in demand as I am from the UK.

I have had a second legal opinion re returning to the UK that has a little more hope than the first - it’s still a very long shot and will be very costly and there is the impossible hurdle of needing a job contract in the UK. There is no way I will get this - not in my industry, not from abroad, not without a guarantee I will even be returning, and now not with Covid.

There is no set formula for how the Family Court decides such relocation cases but the overall best interests of the children are at the forefront. Relevant factors that the Court look at include (but are not limited to):

Non-moving parent’s capacity to demonstrate continued interest in the children after relocation.
Extent and focus of the conflict between the parents, either underlying or resulting from a decision to relocate.
Practical consequences of relocation (transport, costs, accommodation).
Impacts of granting or declining relocations on children’s family and social support networks.
Cultural and spiritual considerations.
Children’s age and ability to adapt.
What the children want.
The well-being of the parent wishing to relocate.
Children’s previous living arrangements and suggested new living arrangements.
Merit and reasonableness of the parent’s wish to relocate.

I would advise that from your information below there is a reasonable argument for relocation, the children have lived the majority of their lives in the UK only being in New Zealand less than a year. You have a support network and financial stability in the UK (you will need to show this with a job contract). The other side of the argument is the children’s connection to their father and extended family in New Zealand. Which is why your contact proposal should be thorough to cover off how this contact would be managed effectively.

I also thought about getting a restraining order. This may be tricky as there is more emphasis on physical violence here than psychological, but I think I will run it past my lawyer.
I have the abuse recorded in which he admits to drinking two bottles of wine and several beers tries to grope me several times and I fend him off, he videos me and threatens to send it to his friends. This is relentless over 45 minutes of recording when the kids are sleeping 4 metres and one door away. I've also found a recording from 2018 where it sounds like we may have just been arguing, DD is crying and DH is drunkenly trying to put her to bed while I am sober and trying to calm both kids down , asking him to leave the room. In the end I leave and he says behind my back that he is preparing to go to NZ, DD gets hysterical and when I come in no one will tell me what's been said.
I had never listened to that recording before now.

And of course a restraining order is relevant because I literally have nowhere to go - I am cut off from my support network. And I am scared of him when he is drunk.

I don’t have anything helpful to add. But I just wanted to say how strong you are @Witchesandwizards I am in awe of how you are dealing with things and making sure you do right for your children.

I think that you might well have a v strong two pronged approach - maybe begin the relocation proceedings and then follow quickly with the DV stuff - he will not want this known in his family, amongst friends or even his business contacts if NZ community is tightly connected - he might then just agree for you to go - to save face - he can then play the victim.

I would throw the kitchen sink at this right now as it seems that time is on your side for now and you need to believe that you explored every possibility.

I don’t understand that job contract clause though - surely you are still a UK citizen? Don’t see these things as obstacles - more an opportunity for creative problem solving.

If it were the case could a friend or family member sponsor you?

This all sounds so hard. I’m glad you’ve got some practical advice from people on here. I’m afraid I don’t have any but I do really hope you get a good outcome with this. It sounds such a whirlwind of emotions.

Sounds as if this lawyer is more willing to work with you on relocating. Did they make it sound like the sooner the better? Meaning the longer the DC are here the harder it will be?

It sounds to me as if a very strong key to granting relocation is you having a job waiting in the UK? And that probably means a 'good' job, not flipping burgers at McD. Makes sense. I know you feel that your 'normal' work is a no-go, but if I were you I'd start contacting anyone I could back in the UK who might be able to help you, even in another field.

I worked Civil Service and I guess you'd say my job was pretty 'niche' working with a particular set of govt regulations, laws etc. But if I had to I could probably have transferred some of the skills to other types of office work. Time to think outside the box.

I was going to ask about the menopause OP, not because I want to blame all of your problems on hormonal issues but because it is BLOODY AWFUL and blows even simple things up into epic proportions, it's difficult to do anything during the menopause because you lose interest, you hate everything, it's just grim all round.
I got divorced during the menopause because I could no longer stand the sight of him and we'd been fine for 20 years.
HRT was my saviour - without it I'd have gone mental.
I'd get every medication I could to help you through. Tell your husband you're going through the menopause and you feel like shit.
My parents dragged me off to a non English speaking country for 6 years and I loathed every second and also my first husband for 2 years and I hated that too, all I wanted was to be in my own country.
Stick the menopause on top of that and it's a recipe for disaster.
If it doesn't work out you will just have to leave and try and sort out the kids somehow.
My son went back and forth to the states at that age to see his grandmother very regularly while I stayed here to work. It was fine.
What I would do is give it two years and if you are still not happy go home.
In the meantime try not to antagonise him, it could make a divorce very very nasty.

@madcatladyforever, have you actually rtft? Because from your comment it really doesn't look like it

@AcrossthePond55 The job thing is ridiculous - for one thing, there is no telling how long the legal process will take so I wouldn't know when I can go. And given I could live mortgage free and as a family of four our food our bills were only £800 pcm in London, I'm pretty sure benefits and child allowance would cover it if push came to shove. Oh and child maintenance from DH.
I'm going to ask if my parents could sponsor me.

I've just found out that he 's paying a voluntary $1800 / £900 pcm into his Kiwisaver (pension) while I will have nothing as I have pretty much screwed my UK state pension if I stay here and will never earn enough to contribute anything worthwhile.

I am not even entitled to benefits here at the moment.

The first thing the lawyer advised me to do was talk to him to try and arrange an amicable relocation which they would then back up with the paperwork.

But he will not talk to me. And now I think it's because he has no answers. He did lie, he has destroyed my career, he has bought me to a country where I can't earn a living.
And this is real, not me being dramatic - all my coffees this week were strategic - mums who want to work, who previously had good jobs and now can't work. I was gathering info and case studies.

One for example is English girl I met in the first few weeks here. Her youngest has just started school enabling her to start work so she is working for 3 hours a day at a kindergarten/nursery on $20 per hour. She was a lawyer in the UK. Her husband works for the university so they definitely cannot afford to only have one proper job.
She told me that after three years she still doesn't feel at home and she wanted to emigrate (wasn't dragged here!).

The woman who just lost her job in advertising who I met yesterday is looking for cleaning jobs because he husband has been forced to lower his salary and there is nothing else available.
It even looks like retraining is out of the window now.

At home I got an opportunity to diversify - one of the areas a I worked on was organising shoots - usually studio still life shot or models shots, but a couple of location shoots including a very tricky one in the Galapagos. The photographer I shot with asked me to be his producer last year but it was too close to our move to take him up. This is the perfect example of something I could do at home through contacts, but on paper no one would even look at my CV and here it would go to someone through word of mouth as well. So this is another big resentment - his career at the expense of mine, yet he is still treating me like this.

The worst things I have done in the last seven months are to call him a cunt, tell him I hate him and call his mother a fucking bitch (to him not her!) and he still harps on about this.

Even more reason to get moving back to the UK. How do you think he would respond to the two pronged approach - starting a legal process to return to the kids to the UK - which would not necessarily need go to court because you could put the squeeze on him re DA? Do you think that would have traction?

I would give it your all - it sounds worse by the day and you, your identity, your status, your prospects, your hopes and your opinions are just diminishing.