Just need to share - no solution

[Witchesandwizards]

I met my kiwi husband 13 years ago in London, I am 48, he is 42 and we have two children, 10 and 7. We moved to NZ October 2019 against my wishes, but my husband always wanted to come back.

It was always an understanding that at some point we would move to NZ but this was decided before children, before my parents became frail and it kept getting put off as we built a successful and comfortable life in London with a close network of friends. I hoped that this would mean we didn’t have to move. By the time he decided we should move, I didn’t want to, but my husband held me to a ‘promise’ I had made 12 years earlier, and despite a lot of arguments, we set the wheels in motion and moved 6 months ago.

Immediately I felt homesick and suddenly realised that I had taken my life for granted, but emotionally I still felt in control and we threw ourselves into finding a house. And when we moved into that house, I looked forward to our container arriving and then it was Christmas. I spent 4 months either expecting things to improve or busy with the holidays. I still cried, we still had arguments, but nothing could prepare me for how I felt when the kids went back to school.

At the start of February it hit me like a ton of bricks that I have left most of my family and all my friends, my career, the home we renovated together, the city I love and my country of birth. It dawned that the rest of my life could be unhappy, living in a place I hate and don’t belong. At almost 50, I don’t really have much chance of building a life that is as fulfilling as my old one - I feel bereft and trapped. The best way I can describe it is that it feels like I’m in a coma and someone is trying to turn off my life support and however hard I try to yell, I can’t make them understand that I’m alive. I feel trapped in a nightmare - I have lost all control over my life. It’s a horror movie. I can’t even look back at last year and all the planning and believe I actually came. It’s a blur. I don’t know how I got on the plane.
Everything I do reminds me of an occasion, place or person from home. Hundreds of times a day. Music makes me sad, photos make me sad, social media makes me sad. I’ve always been the sort of person who can compartmentalise my problems, and still get up every day and find something to enjoy, putting a face on through hard times and still functioning well at work and socially. But now I only function for the children and nothing brings me joy. I have deserted my parents when they need me most, I argue and fight with my husband in front of the children, I don’t earn a living and I am horrible to live with.

Consequently, we are having terrible marriage problems - I’m not playing ball and embracing life as he wants me to, and he says I am negative. He is the classic extrovert and I am a natural introvert but with extrovert ‘cover’ when needed - he thinks I should socialise more to get out of my rut, find a job (after a 24 year career in advertising, I can’t get work for logistical/childcare reasons, age and now probably recession), and is pissed off that I don’t want to hang out with his family all the time (I don’t particularly get on with them). In return I have been absolutely vile to live with, lashing out (not physically) because I blame and resent him for my situation. He is now talking about separation but has said I can’t take the children home so I would have to stay here with 50% access, spending half my time alone in a country I never wanted to live in. I don’t know if I love him, I can’t see the wood for the trees.
I know I am depressed, but what good are anti-depressants, I need a time machine.

If you got this far thank you! There is nothing anyone can do to help but writing it down maybe helped. Or maybe not. 3.30am and I'm done x

@Witchesandwizards it's so hard. I totally get the feeling. I cried earthy, guttural tears for my home land. I was horrible to live with two. But counselling helped.

I would also say get good legal advice. We have a court appointed psychologist analyse the kids to see what was in their best interests (cost my ex 6k) but she supported our relocation immediately. Even though my two youngest were born in Australia. The judge then upheld that ruling. It took a year in the courts and I self represented with a breastfeeding baby. It was the best feeling winning. We came home with 3 bags. And now own our own house and car and I've my
Own Job in my hometown and I'm so great full.

And I'd advise maybe speaking with a DV group or women's aid as he does sound like he's being emotionally manipulative.

Is it worth starting the legal process rolling so once flights are resumed you can return with the DC?

*On a positive note, fun dad is being shitty with the kids at the moment and DD (crying) said to me today 'if you ask me now I would wan tto go home'.

He also smacked DS hard on the bottom last night - he was being very naughty but we don't do that.*

I know that you know that this isn’t about point scoring - your DCs do not have to be neglected, abandoned and abused by him emotionally and physically for you “to win”.

This will already have caused great harm - you need to step in and protect your DCs.

Reading and pondering - yes, you are in a shitty situation. My heart goes out to you but honestly the only thing you can do start looking forward instead of back for ways to make it better.

Of course you can't just take your kids back to the UK and I'm glad you are wise enough not to follow this advice. I met someone who did this to escape an abusive man (not in NZ). She went to prison for child abduction and lost custody of her dc who now lives full time with the abusive father. She can now only see her dc in supervised contact once every 3 weeks.

There are 3 options I can see that you have.

1. Stick with dh and work on it You could try to make a go of it with your dh and work on things as they are to make things better for all of you. You are very depressed for good reason and that this may be colouring your view of everything. Try relationship counselling. Can your marriage be saved? Can you make enough compromises with each other to make a good life together?

1. Divorce H, stay in NZ and make the best life that you can. Get the best lawyer you can afford and the best divorce deal you can. Move to the city, start again in an area with good schools and better job options, cut yourself out of his toxic family dynamic and build your own new life with your dcs in a life more similar to your London one.

1. Return to UK Can you try to negotiate with your H about a return to the UK with or without him? Tell him you want to return to the UK and will divorce him if necessary. He may not be willing to return with you but perhaps he would discuss shared child care arrangements where the dc spend part of their holidays in NZ. He must realise that the whole thing is not working for any of you.

As an aside, could the lockdown actually play in your favour here? Do you have grounds to say you came to NZ on a trial basis? You decided it wasn't working and you would have returned to the UK but CV has made travel impossible. Your length of residence in NZ has been temporarily extended but your dc are not actually permanently settled.

The options are fairly brutal but I do think that if you decide which option you are working towards then your next steps will be easier to work out. Regret and wishing for time machines is fair enough but not helping you. Good luck

2. Divorce H, stay in NZ and make the best life that you can. Get the best lawyer you can afford and the best divorce deal you can. Move to the city, start again in an area with good schools and better job options, cut yourself out of his toxic family dynamic and build your own new life with your dcs in a life more similar to your London one.

This to me seems self-evidently to be the best option, because it is achievable and doesn't rule out either of the others. You could separate, build a new life and still get his agreement to go home at a later date. As I said upthread, there is a strong possibility he may lose interest in being fun dad once there is someone else on the scene, sorry.

That’s awful to hear that your H has smacked your DS - it would have been scary for him on top of everything else that has happened. I’m sure you didn’t mean it as a positive thing - as Gutterton says, it’s so important to protect your DC from this horrible man.

Just an FYI in case you didn’t know - smacking or use of force to discipline a child is illegal in NZ and has been since 2007. It might be worth making a note of the incident in case you need to refer to it in a court case

Sorry, no, I meant DD seeing through him a bit - she’s such a daddy’s girl.
It didn’t read well though!

"There are 3 options I can see that you have.
1. Stick with dh and work on it You could try to make a go of it with your dh and work on things as they are to make things better for all of you. You are very depressed for good reason and that this may be colouring your view of everything. Try relationship counselling.

He's already said he wants out and will leave the OP when lockdown is over.
Also, joint counselling is never a good idea, nor recommended, in an abusive situation.

Hi OP,
I started reading your thread last night, and finished it this morning.
I am so sorry you are going through this.

You have a lot of support on here, which is fantastic.

Can I just say that you must detach from him as much as possible. I know that is difficult, because you are in the same house, but it is possible. I had to spend a year in the family home with my husband of 20 years and 3 kids before we split. He kept saying he would leave, but he didn't, and was cold, emotionally abusive and downright cruel to both me and our three kids.

I coped, on anti-depressants and a lot of self care. I started to plan a future without him, got all the legal advice I could, and started saving money. But what helped me the most was disengaging from him. I just ignored him as much as I could. I stopped making bullets for him to fire back at me. There's a method called "Grey Rock" which you probably know about, but it helped me and it might help you.

There are a lot of parallels between the way your DH is behaving and mine did, it actually left me feeling uneasy reading some of it, because I can identify how you feel so well, and my heart goes out to you.

I have no advice to add, but want to reassure you, however bleak it seems now, you will get through this - it will get better. But you absolutely must stop engaging with him other than when you need to. This sounds impossible when you live together, but you can to a certain extent make steps towards this. Focus on yourself, and your future.

@ThumbWitchesAbroad joint counselling is never a good idea in an abusive situation. Is this because it can make it worse?

@SophieB100
Thank you for reading - it's a long thread and I'm totally overwhelmed by the response.
It's always good to hear from people who understand, especially when they have positive outcomes.
I think I have already detached. I was talking to a friend last night who is isolating with her controlling mum and she told me she has built a 'psychic bubble' around herself - she can co-exist wither mum but her mum can't hurt her. I've realised I do that - I wake up and put my chirpy face on (except this morning which was my first full dose of anti-depressants and I felt vile), say good morning and go about getting the kids ready. I'm polite and don't interact any more than necessary, it's rather like living with a slightly awkward flat mate.

He's also been better weirdly. Yesterday he was ok. Made an effort for mother's day, tried to chat, got on the zoom call with my parents. He also said he's not going to get drunk at home any more so I know he has sussed me keeping an eye on him. He still had 24 beers over the weekend though.

I'm starting to think that, even if he apologised, agreed to try and make it work, jumped through hoops, etc, I'm now not sure. Things have happened (blanking me during his isolation and the birthday night argument) that I don't think I can un-see. In my brighter moments (usually after a double shot cappuccino) I've even started choosing which furniture I would take....

@shootmenow2020 I get those tears. The absolute despair and disbelief that you ended up there. Sometimes I feel like I'm in a horror movie.

@Gutterton The kids are good - I think that tensions are running high with everyone at this stage of lockdown, and they have a triple whammy with the move and our issues. Fun dad has a thing where every night he comes home and whips them into a frenzy chasing them round the house. They are trying to start this off at bed time as well now and his patience is wearing thin.

We've just gone down to level 2 which means the end of strict lockdown, kids back to school on Monday, and the point at which he said he would leave to have fun. Interesting to see what will happen.

I've got a bit of a test on Saturday - its his dad's birthday and there will be a family dinner with all the leading characters. I'm shitting myself but I need to go - it will make it easier in the long run. I still need to bide my time and work out a plan. I also might find a friend in SIL. I can't contact her on the phone as I'm not sure how much she knows and what she thinks, but in person I should be able to gauge her better.

I've also started a document. I can't talk to him, he just doesn't get it, but I'm quite methodical and feel the need to 'present' my issues. I've broken it down in sections: I didn't want to come/the deceit/how he has treated me(inc explaining the water torturer)/asking what I have done beyond screaming banshee/finance the lie/finance the truth/separation/summary of how I feel and what he has done.

I may never give it to him but it has helped me make sense of everything that is going on in my head. Given it some order and sorted the wheat from the chaff.

You have made great progress since you started this thread. That doesn’t mean that life is easier for you or that the pain is any less or that the outcomes are any different.

But you have shown your focus and tenacity and that has always served you well.

The document is great - it’s effectively “journaling” - I wouldn’t act on your urge to show it to him - he will just weaponise it and turn it back on you. This isn’t the behaviour of someone “detaching” - give yourself a pat on the back for every hour / day that you don’t react and only respond to him in grey rock / vanilla answers. Then fill the vacuum with positive stuff to enrich and distract you rather than just treading water.

Clever decision to go to the IL dinner - keep your poker face, be v careful of the SIL - if she has an alcohol problem her thinking and loyalties are likely to be skewed and unpredictable.

Have you started the tai-chi, yoga etc?

Keep attuned to your DCs - they really need your emotional presence right now.

OP, anti depressants can make you feel awful until you get used to them, but they are worth it, you should start to see an improvement in a couple of weeks.
Glad that things seem a bit easier, I only too well understand your 'awkward flatmate' comment - honestly, it's awful.
I would suggest not confiding in SIL - only because it could muddy the waters, things could be said against you.
I think part of detaching from him, is also detaching from his family. But that's just me going on how things were for me. You sound like you have a good network of friends (mine were invaluable to me when I went through similar) and I would talk to them - people outside of his family - people who have you on their side.

You will do what you think is best, but please be cautious, remember that what you tell SIL will probably be shared with his family, and might get back to him.
I would also probably swerve the dinner - but understand why you feel it would be better if you were there.
Also, carve out more time away from him where possible (not possible in lockdown I know) but when restrictions are eased enough don't just focus on career, but develop new interests for yourself too.

The more you do this, the more easier the physical break up will be. Right now you're emotionally apart, but physically together. Honestly when my ex finally left, it was as though a huge cloud had lifted, and I could breathe again. I never thought that day would come, but it did. Yours will too - start by planning for it now.
And another thing - the year before he went was a hell of a lot worse than the year after. I think you'll find the same.
Take care.

Agree... far too soon to confide in SIL. You don’t know whose pocket she may be lying in. (See Flying Monkeys & Narcissists... Be prepared just in case. Keep your cards close to your chest.) Trust nobody in family at all.

Smacking is illegal in New Zealand, isn't it? And your ds is 7, which is too old to 'need' a smack even if you think it can be suitable in some circumstances. I think you would be losing an opportunity if you don't report it to the police, but I would certainly put him on notice that if he does it again you will do so.

Gutterton is right - he will weaponise this document. Make sure it is password protected. You won't get through to him. The fact that you want to so desperately is what is causing you to get wound up during your arguments. There's no advantage to him in understanding your position, and given the massive shift in power in your relationship, he has no incentive to do so.

I would treat the birthday party as an observation exercise. Drink nothing (in solidarity with poor SIL if nothing else, how on earth is she managing to remain sober when surrounded by this bunch of pissheads?), say nothing, count how much they drink and be prepared for him to try and wind you up in front of his family, to reinforce the message that you're crazy. Don't take the bait.

@MrsRudderless - I believe it's because the abuser is very able to twist the words of the partner, and will do their best to get the counsellor "on side", making out that the abused partner is in fact crazy, "OMG look what I have to put up with, can you SEE why I get so frustrated?" sort of thing, so that the abused partner is left feeling even more in the wrong, like no one believes them and no one is there for them. It's a well known tactic, especially for narcissists.

Also it means that the abused partner is giving the abuser further ammunition - they daren't open up and say what's REALLY going on for fear of retribution so it makes the whole exercise totally fucking pointless.

I'm going to just agree with the others, @Witchesandwizards - do NOT show him the document EVER.

And stay away from SIL - she may be lovely but her loyalty will be to her husband and his family, not you - far too risky.

Dinner - I think you do have to go but agree that you need to be as grey rock as possible, an observer of the family, how much they drink, how bad it gets etc. Do not drink yourself and do not get drawn into ANY argument - just nod and smile as though they were a bunch of angry mozzies banging at your window. Go home early if you can, with the kids of course.

Keep going with your journal so you have everything down, dated as well, as evidence of your situation. It might help you to include a mood section on a daily basis too - if nothing else it will tell you if the anti-depressants are working!

When I was going through similar OP, I learnt a very hard lesson very early on: he is not your friend, he does not have your interests at heart.

Bear that in mind please going forward.
Now is the time to focus on you and your kids. Don't let his family cloud anything.
When you're out the other side (and I promise you will be) you will have the clarity of hindsight. You don't have that now, of course you don't, but please trust us who do understand and have been there. Don't trust him an inch, trust yourself. Trust your gut, and rely on your friends, not his family.

Obviously, your situation is harder because of lockdown and being in another country from family. But I can tell you that regardless of where you are you have a new life ahead of you. So plan for that, and treat yourself as you would treat your best friend.

Thanks for the advice re the document - usually I'm one to fire off things immediately so the fact I started it on Saturday and it's still here means my gut feeling is to keep it close. It has definitely helped me make sense of the real issues vs the distractions.

And SIL - I would never actually confide, not details, it was more that I will be able to gauge from her if I have some general support, someone to chat to if I'm feeling awkward. Oh, and I expect she'll be drinking. Despite the fact they have installed cameras in their house to monitor her (she knows) and she was caught drinking whiskey at 9am round the side of the house, she was still drinking the last time I saw her. I won't be though. Meds and driving. I love a drink, but they put me off.

Last night I was thinking back to when we arrived and this example should have indicate the shape pf things to come.
When we left the UK we were in bits. We had had a long, leaving boozy lunch in the afternoon, jumped in a cab to Heathrow where we stayed the night. We were all emotionally and physically spent, so before we went to bed, I suggested that we book an airport hotel in Auckland as we were due to arrive at 12.30am. It would avoid the inevitable prosecco at 2am, we could shower and sleep and no one would need to get up in the middle of the night to pick us up.
I booked it. He sent a family WhatsApp and the abuse he got (even from BIL in LA who called him a loser) resulted in me cancelling the hotel. I decided what was best for my family and got overruled.

Agree with not showing the document to him. It needs to be YOUR place to vent and state your true feelings. If you contemplate showing it to him it may start to 'colour' the way you phrase things or cause you to use 'downplaying terms' because you are (consciously or subconsciously) 'seeing' his reaction.

I also agree re not confiding in SiL. You don't really know 'where she is' with the family dynamics. She may be sympathetic and on your side or she may throw you under the bus to take heat off herself. You just can't be sure. Don't make the first move, and if she approaches you because she's heard that you're unhappy, take it slow and easy and don't say anything until she's confided in you.

X-post!

Where I've got to is:
I kept my part of the 'deal', but he hasn't kept his. We only came because his parents were giving him a business, but they haven't and there is no plan to do so.

If I had know this, I wouldn't have come and wouldn't be in this position now.

If they have taken filming SIL. Could there be cameras in your house as well?

Good point re cameras. Especially if you are trying to keep passwords secret.

Get yourself mentally stable and strong again with your meds, exercise, yoga, therapy, friends etc.

Then focus on his alcoholic behaviours - that is the damage that will
emotionally wound and cripple your DCs - not which country they live in or what the legal status of his business is.

Your DCs are your most precious and vulnerable commodity. Get stuck into Al - Anon - there is loads of literature and forums online. What you learn here will be the greatest gift to your DCs. You will also learn how you are inadvertently feeding this toxic alcoholic emotional soup that your DCs are swimming in.

He is emotionally erratic, negligent and absent with them. He is physically abusive and they are living in an emotionally volatile home. He has frequently physically and emotionally abandoned them. You need to get informed of the insidious nature of alcoholic families so that you understand the dynamics around denial, enabling, collusion - the harm it will do to your DCs and what you can and cannot do about it and how you (and your DCs) will need support to come through this.