Just need to share - no solution

[Witchesandwizards]

I met my kiwi husband 13 years ago in London, I am 48, he is 42 and we have two children, 10 and 7. We moved to NZ October 2019 against my wishes, but my husband always wanted to come back.

It was always an understanding that at some point we would move to NZ but this was decided before children, before my parents became frail and it kept getting put off as we built a successful and comfortable life in London with a close network of friends. I hoped that this would mean we didn’t have to move. By the time he decided we should move, I didn’t want to, but my husband held me to a ‘promise’ I had made 12 years earlier, and despite a lot of arguments, we set the wheels in motion and moved 6 months ago.

Immediately I felt homesick and suddenly realised that I had taken my life for granted, but emotionally I still felt in control and we threw ourselves into finding a house. And when we moved into that house, I looked forward to our container arriving and then it was Christmas. I spent 4 months either expecting things to improve or busy with the holidays. I still cried, we still had arguments, but nothing could prepare me for how I felt when the kids went back to school.

At the start of February it hit me like a ton of bricks that I have left most of my family and all my friends, my career, the home we renovated together, the city I love and my country of birth. It dawned that the rest of my life could be unhappy, living in a place I hate and don’t belong. At almost 50, I don’t really have much chance of building a life that is as fulfilling as my old one - I feel bereft and trapped. The best way I can describe it is that it feels like I’m in a coma and someone is trying to turn off my life support and however hard I try to yell, I can’t make them understand that I’m alive. I feel trapped in a nightmare - I have lost all control over my life. It’s a horror movie. I can’t even look back at last year and all the planning and believe I actually came. It’s a blur. I don’t know how I got on the plane.
Everything I do reminds me of an occasion, place or person from home. Hundreds of times a day. Music makes me sad, photos make me sad, social media makes me sad. I’ve always been the sort of person who can compartmentalise my problems, and still get up every day and find something to enjoy, putting a face on through hard times and still functioning well at work and socially. But now I only function for the children and nothing brings me joy. I have deserted my parents when they need me most, I argue and fight with my husband in front of the children, I don’t earn a living and I am horrible to live with.

Consequently, we are having terrible marriage problems - I’m not playing ball and embracing life as he wants me to, and he says I am negative. He is the classic extrovert and I am a natural introvert but with extrovert ‘cover’ when needed - he thinks I should socialise more to get out of my rut, find a job (after a 24 year career in advertising, I can’t get work for logistical/childcare reasons, age and now probably recession), and is pissed off that I don’t want to hang out with his family all the time (I don’t particularly get on with them). In return I have been absolutely vile to live with, lashing out (not physically) because I blame and resent him for my situation. He is now talking about separation but has said I can’t take the children home so I would have to stay here with 50% access, spending half my time alone in a country I never wanted to live in. I don’t know if I love him, I can’t see the wood for the trees.
I know I am depressed, but what good are anti-depressants, I need a time machine.

If you got this far thank you! There is nothing anyone can do to help but writing it down maybe helped. Or maybe not. 3.30am and I'm done x

I've realised something else about DH, probably related to The Water Torturer.

Over the years he has made me believe that I am a controlling nag. But when I break down his argument, all I have done is what the person who does all the housework, cooking, laundry, household purchasing has the right to do - stuff like don't put the expensive kitchen knives in the dishwasher/greasy pizza boxes in the recycling/dirty socks on the kitchen bench....for the 100th time. Tell me when you use the last eggs and you know that ham you ate is the only thing DS will eat for his packed lunch. I know you were up until 3am drinking but you said you would take DS to tennis so I can get DD's hair cut... You get the jist.
And yes it was most days. Several times most days. But does that make me controlling or him lazy?
I thought it made me controlling.

And he's made me think I hated him going out. I used to get anxious on Friday nights, delay him, question who he was going with, be a bit moody. But I would also be pissed off when he didn't go out and I didn't get the house to myself so it didn't make sense. But of course what didn't like was him coming back, late night arguments, or shitty Saturday mornings. He managed to turn that round into another controlling wife thing.

No, that doesn't make you controlling. I like a drink every so often on a Friday (or I did before the baby came along!), and my dw has never cared as long as I keep any promises about making any activities the following day. It's one of the early signs of alcohol dependency (although your husband is miles past that by the sounds of it) if you're regularly unable to meet your commitments due to drinking

Yes, being lied to or being let down over a major issue rather affects one feelings for someone doesn't it? Yes, sorry I noticed after I posted you had said back thread about your father being to ill to travel. Obviously in hindsight you should have stayed put, and then either he would have had to have stayed in the UK until the children are older or gone on his own. As I said, I know nothing about the legalities, and it's probably been mentioned, but CAN you legally bring the children back (if he agreed) how devastated would he be about that. Your marriage is floundering, obviously you're not working together on anything. How likely is it do you think you can both turn it around?

So things haven't really been that great for years. What's happened is you have been going through a process long before moving, and it suddenly dawned on you when you got to NZ what you've done. You can't go back in time, but you can change things. Instead of wasting time thinking about what you should have done, at the moment I would concentrate on your mental and physical well being, and try to quietly process things. It's horrible feeling trapped, but don't let thoughts like that cripple you. I don't think you should make any hasty decisions though, unless there's legal time factors. I found from my experience fighting and making waves (not that you're in the wrong) won't help you - it just causes more stress. Try to create peace within yourself. It won't be easy, but as a pp said, you have got to put your big girl pants on. You will come out of this a stronger person, but for now you have got to be patient.

Omg op. I was tempted to post after reading your first 2/3 messages to say “No. This is NOT a nice man or a good father” but now I’m at the end I see you know that now.

What an absolute piece of shit he is.

I hope you can find a resolution 💐

If you really want to leave you might still stand a chance, 6mths to a year for habitual residence for children to be established. But y would have to start proceeding now. Get in touch with a lawyer who specialises in international child law, I would get a UK one. A good one will cost you but it is also the best investment you will ever make. File proceedings ASAP in the UK (not NZ), do not tell H until after it is done, as if he files first in NZ then game is over. The Geneva convention governs this aspect of law with regards to the children & you want the case held in your home country. Honestly if I were you & it were possible right now, I’d get on the next plane home with the kids and deal with the fall out from your parents house. You are still uk domiciled & at 6 mths habitual residence is not yet established in NZ. I have been exactly where you are now and your window of opportunity is closing. His unwillingness to listen to you, care about your feelings & happiness and that he is already suggesting separation leads me to believe you have been coerced into this move without realising it with the intention of trapping you there. Divorce law in NZ is a lot less generous than the UK, and you will be left no career or family for support. He is being incredibly selfish, do not let him win this. If your children were older you could wait it out till they were 17 & can decide for themselves where they want to live, but a 7 yr old & you being 50 that’s not reasonable. Talk to a lawyer experienced in international divorce ASAP if you want any say in what happens next. You’ll need to prove you have a place to stay, family, potential income back in UK. Sorry to be bearer of difficult news but I got trapped with my children somewhere I didn’t want to be for a decade and it was soul destroying, and I was 20 years younger than you.

I would love to know if your dh thinks NZ and his family are so great why does he have to drink to excess to endure it.

I am presuming the alcohol consumption has gone through the roof.

Tell your MIL to come and live in the UK.
No alcohol restrictions.

For goodness' sake, will people STOP telling her to take her children to the UK! That will be classed as child abduction.

It is not child abduction if the child is being returned to where they have lived primarily for the past two years. So up until 1 year in NZ, if you leave with your children you are returning them home. Courts will ultimately decide this but after just 6months in NZ you cannot claim that is the children’s home. Precisely for reasons the OP is in, coercive control & domestic abuse.
www.transparencyproject.org.uk/habitual-residence-sloppy-explanations-of-the-law-about-child-abduction/

I can totally relate to this op, I moved to Australia for my ex partner and absolutely hated it. Cried every day, drank way too much. Just wanted to be home. It was like a death. I mourned my own life. I would recommend speaking with a psychologist to help you process the death of your old life.

I did eventually get a job, I met wi other expats and start volunteering and to be honest it was the volunteering that saved me. There's always people worse off. We did end up separating and I'd to get a court order to move home. The court analysed what was in the best interest of the kids. To be home with family, wider family like cousins etc culture all of that. We are home a year now and it was 100% the right move. I have been back to Australia in that time and I'm proud of my time there. The people are beautiful and it will always hold a special place in my heart. But there's no place like home.

That link and your post directly contradicts the legal advice the OP has received in New Zealand.

If you really want to leave you might still stand a chance, 6mths to a year for habitual residence for children to be established

Stop it.
Habitual residence in NZ is from day 1. It's a severe regime, but it is what it is.

He’s a gaslighting arsehole, isn’t he?

Witches - it has come to my notice that the UK has no restrictions on travellers INTO it.
So if you can get OUT of NZ, you can get into the UK without any bother - it's not the same as people trying to come to NZ.

However, once OUT of NZ, you won't be able to get back IN until they open their borders again.

@WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo - as others have said, your advice might be useful in other countries but it is NOT useful in NZ as habitual residence is established the minute they set foot in NZ.
It's unusual and fucking harsh, but that's the way it is there (thank god I'm in Australia, although it's too late for me now anyway)

The children are also habitually resident in the UK which is why OP can file right now and have her divorce & child arrangements case heard in the UK. The children are UK citizens who have resided their entire lives in the UK bar the past 6 months. UK court can and will expect their return for court proceedings. The only move is to file all proceedings right now in the UK. It is literally a race to file first, if he files in NZ then I don’t know what will happen. Then you can return with the kids, the case will held here and that will be the end of it. It can be done online & costs a few hundred. Cite all the unreasonable behaviour in the online divorce petition form. You don’t need a lawyer to do this, but you do need to do it now.

The children are also habitually resident in the UK which is why OP can file right now and have her divorce & child arrangements case heard in the UK.

@Witchesandwizards No idea if the above is true and IANAL, but perhaps it would be a good idea to consult with a specialist solicitor in the UK about this? Would both countries consider the children as 'habitually resident'?

Of course, a good deal may depend on the attitude of the courts IF the children in question are 'spirited away' rather than given permission to leave (albeit not permanently) by the 'opposing' parent.

I think I need to qualify my post....I'm musing what the UK courts might rule if the children were back in the UK as opposed to you all still being in NZ and trying to file in the UK.

You are totally, dangerously wrong. The case isnt heard according to UK law, it will be held according to the Hague International treaty on child abduction, which the UK and NZ are both party to. The chilcren will be considered habitually resident in New Zealand. She cannot take them unilaterally

Any Hague Convention hearing held in the UK would return the case to be held in NZ, as is international law.

NZ would then hold the children to have been habitually resident in NZ from the second their feet hit the tarmac when the family first moved to NZ.

As a Kiwi, I'm sorry, it's unfair, but that's all there is to it. That's how habitual residence is determined in NZ. The only possible exception would be where the children were abducted to NZ (and even then, arguments would be heard), but in this case they weren't.

The OP has already sought the advice of a good solicitor in NZ.
She knows to ignore the postulations of the unknowing.

A friend of mine lives in the UK and her DC return to her ex-husband down under each summer holidays and every 2nd year also xmas holidays.

Divorce him. If a lawyer has said 70% - bargain with him. You will have the UK house with no mortgage. You and DC will return to live in the UK, he can have them every 2nd xmas holidays for the entire holidays, and 3-4 weeks in UK summer holidays.
You will forgo anymore financial settlement than the paid off UK house in return.

He is horrible though. Get rid asap.

@Witchesandwizards I've read your whole thread, and am aghast at how badly things have panned out for you. You've said he was married before you, do you know why they broke up? To be married and divorced before 30 is pretty uncommon... Unfortunately it does sound like you've been hoodwinked.

I would urge you, when lockdown is lifted, to be careful around your MIL. You've already said she would be the only one to facilitate your H having the kids for any length of time, but you think she may have too much else on her plate. Being passive aggressive, as it seems you may be tempted to be, could lead to her becoming overly invested in getting back at you. Whereas if your H is left to make his own plans, the kids may well ruin his batchelor lifestyle which obviously would be to your benefit.

@justilou1 Oh yes. I mean, I'm not perfect obviously, and I have done things I am not proud of, but I'm not the nutter he has made me out to be.

@shootmenow2020 I'm always so happy when people understand. Even the GP said it's a bereavement, but that, unlike when someone dies, I am in it on my own and don't have anyone rallying round to support me. I'm literally alone. Next time I see her I will ask about further help - the meds alone cannot help. Pleased you got out - I'm fantasising right now!

@glitterfarts That's my plan and he also has a conference in Europe every October so could see them then as well. My only issue is that discussing this now in the midst of Coronavirus, will highlight potential travel problems - for example, if we were trying to arrange this for this year he would not be able to see them. So I'm buying time.

@ThumbWitchesAbroad The issue is going to be flight availability once the 2 weeks quarantine starts in the UK. So there are already problems with NZ flights - I checked Korean Air who we are flying with in July and they already have June info. The Auckland - Seoul leg is cancelled but the Seoul - London leg is still running with a reduced service. I expect this will be cancelled soon. The whole travel thing, while the last thing on most people's mind, is an absolute, bloody, heart-breaking mess for people living abroad. I was on an expat forum and one poster in NZ had lost his DM from Covid and SIL from cancer and can't get back.

@StartingGrid He was young and his visa was about to run out..... So he married TO STAY IN THE FUCKING COUNTRY. How ironic. sigh

On a positive note, fun dad is being shitty with the kids at the moment and DD (crying) said to me today 'if you ask me now I would wan tto go home'.

He also smacked DS hard on the bottom last night - he was being very naughty but we don't do that.

Thank you everyone for your support. This thread has been a lifeline.

Sounds like the cracks are beginning to show