Just need to share - no solution

[Witchesandwizards]

I met my kiwi husband 13 years ago in London, I am 48, he is 42 and we have two children, 10 and 7. We moved to NZ October 2019 against my wishes, but my husband always wanted to come back.

It was always an understanding that at some point we would move to NZ but this was decided before children, before my parents became frail and it kept getting put off as we built a successful and comfortable life in London with a close network of friends. I hoped that this would mean we didn’t have to move. By the time he decided we should move, I didn’t want to, but my husband held me to a ‘promise’ I had made 12 years earlier, and despite a lot of arguments, we set the wheels in motion and moved 6 months ago.

Immediately I felt homesick and suddenly realised that I had taken my life for granted, but emotionally I still felt in control and we threw ourselves into finding a house. And when we moved into that house, I looked forward to our container arriving and then it was Christmas. I spent 4 months either expecting things to improve or busy with the holidays. I still cried, we still had arguments, but nothing could prepare me for how I felt when the kids went back to school.

At the start of February it hit me like a ton of bricks that I have left most of my family and all my friends, my career, the home we renovated together, the city I love and my country of birth. It dawned that the rest of my life could be unhappy, living in a place I hate and don’t belong. At almost 50, I don’t really have much chance of building a life that is as fulfilling as my old one - I feel bereft and trapped. The best way I can describe it is that it feels like I’m in a coma and someone is trying to turn off my life support and however hard I try to yell, I can’t make them understand that I’m alive. I feel trapped in a nightmare - I have lost all control over my life. It’s a horror movie. I can’t even look back at last year and all the planning and believe I actually came. It’s a blur. I don’t know how I got on the plane.
Everything I do reminds me of an occasion, place or person from home. Hundreds of times a day. Music makes me sad, photos make me sad, social media makes me sad. I’ve always been the sort of person who can compartmentalise my problems, and still get up every day and find something to enjoy, putting a face on through hard times and still functioning well at work and socially. But now I only function for the children and nothing brings me joy. I have deserted my parents when they need me most, I argue and fight with my husband in front of the children, I don’t earn a living and I am horrible to live with.

Consequently, we are having terrible marriage problems - I’m not playing ball and embracing life as he wants me to, and he says I am negative. He is the classic extrovert and I am a natural introvert but with extrovert ‘cover’ when needed - he thinks I should socialise more to get out of my rut, find a job (after a 24 year career in advertising, I can’t get work for logistical/childcare reasons, age and now probably recession), and is pissed off that I don’t want to hang out with his family all the time (I don’t particularly get on with them). In return I have been absolutely vile to live with, lashing out (not physically) because I blame and resent him for my situation. He is now talking about separation but has said I can’t take the children home so I would have to stay here with 50% access, spending half my time alone in a country I never wanted to live in. I don’t know if I love him, I can’t see the wood for the trees.
I know I am depressed, but what good are anti-depressants, I need a time machine.

If you got this far thank you! There is nothing anyone can do to help but writing it down maybe helped. Or maybe not. 3.30am and I'm done x

Sounds like an amazing GP. An hour!

Him going away to isolate with his brothers for 2 weeks is unbelievable. I'd be going home to the UK with the kids and not going back.

I tried to talk to him this morning. Couldn’t help it. I said something that was complete gibberish and when he took the piss, had to explain about the first dose of anti depressants. I explained that I probably had depression from the start, severe depression from my ‘breakdown’ in Feb. I asked him if he feels any guilt as everyone (including GP) said he must. He basically said not really as I had been so horrible shouting, screaming and calling him names. He just does not get why I did that, where it came from, how trapped, angry and resentful I am. How I have lost everything that is me, and the panic that sets off. I’m obviously not proud of screaming banshee me, but there was a reason, a run up to it.

I also pulled him up because yesterday he told me I am behaving like evil narc SIL, and I presume he meant about me being upset about the business situation and what he sees as me trying to split the family up (remember that FB post?). Because the business thing was a lie, the only thing that has come out of the move is that MIL has retired. DH is on the same salary, our house is no better, our disposable income / standard of living is no better.
I confronted him on this and comparison to evil SIL.
Did SIL give up her family, friends, career, home and move the other side of the world so her MIL could retire? Have I ever stopped you seeing your family or friends? Have I ever asked your parents for ANYTHING, let alone demanded tens of thousands of pounds from them? Have I been anything but polite to MIL while she continues to disagree with every word I say? Have I made you give up the career that was your boyhood dream? Have I ever told your family that they can only contact you via me? Do I control your phone, email, social media?
Me “So how am I like SIL?”
Him “This is why I can’t talk to you”
Because I am right?
His refusal to discuss anything, or even support his own arguments, is our ‘sober trigger’. Not as bad as the drunk ones, but it winds me up to distraction.

DD overheard me talk about going back without him (anyone from NZ will confirm that houses here are pretty much made of cardboard with terrible sound proofing). She was upset, not distraught. I explained that we are trying our best to make it work, to all be happy but that (as she is very aware) I am unhappy here and it will be very difficult for me to stay if he doesn’t want to live with me any more. I have no bloody idea if this was ok or terribly destructive for her. She seemed to accept it and I feel slightly better knowing the seed has been planted.
I know it’s unlikely to happen, but as the kids are my biggest worry about returning, it feels like a step in the right direction.

@StartupRepair she is going to invite me to her book club when there’s a space, and she told me I have beautiful English rose skin

@LadyEloise it’s just too difficult to move back anything other than ‘properly’ as all my money is tied up in the house, my parents have downsized to a flat, jobs and Covid.... Even if it had been legal, the new reality means that just fleeing back would be nigh on impossible.
@Candyfloss99 Oh yes. And he’s still convinced that my anger and FB post were about trying to split his family up, not me feeling sorry for myself and DC about being abandoned.

He seems to think you are trying to split him up from his parents and his brother. That they are his family

Where does that leave you and the dc.

Are you not family.

Is he too worried about being split from his parents than he is of you leaving?

Says a lot that he doesn’t consider you and dc as family.

Him “This is why I can’t talk to you”
Because I am right?

Yep. How very dare you respond to his hateful dart, that was designed to wound you to incapacity and shut you up, with logic and reason that proves what a load of old crap it was!

He CAN'T respond because there IS no logical response that makes sense to anyone, not even him. He's just throwing it because he KNOWS that you can't stand her and would hate to be thought to be like her, so it's a definite attempt to get you to "behave".

What a fucker he is.

Op side track but the comment about your skin- I always notice when I go back to the ul how lovely everyones skin is. Protect yours and the dcs skin from our sun, even in winter, even on a cloudy day. High SPF factor and a hat! The sun here will age your skin massively.

@Oliversmumsarmy I hadn't even looked at it like that, but yes, it appears they are his family and we are not.

@ThumbWitchesAbroad It drives me mad. His other favourite is 'you always twist my words' when I make an argument that proves he is wrong or that question something he can't back up. So, using Oliversmumsarmy's example, if I replied "what do you mean, am I not your family?" his retort would be "see, you're twisting my words again". And this is when he is sober, imagine these conversations when he is drunk. Is there any wonder I completely lose my shit?
Arguments with him make me feel like a kid who is right, but no one believes because they are just a kid. So unjust.

@Honsandrebels I bought 10 bottles of La Roche-Posay F30 face cream with me from France and lots of hats

Just step back from the arguments. Deep breath and pop into another room for a moment.

@StartupRepair This is now just in normal conversations (or as normal as they can be in our frosty household). I deliberately didn't mention the SIL comment for 24 hours it so I would be calm.
But I am not reacting as I would have done in the past.

The other one is still that I'm not making an effort.
Now I have the depression diagnosis and a 'prescription' of hot baths, yoga and book club, he can't say that he means hosting his friends and family and socialising more (which the GP even said would exhaust me), so he has changed his tune and said that he means I am negative about NZ.
Me: "So I'm not allowed to talk about my feelings, perceptions and experiences?"
Him: "You're twisting my words".

I have caught up.

Your H isn't actually a nice man at all is he

Very very selfish and an alcoholic.

He doesn’t care for you.

This is him deliberately goading you.

He is obfuscating, being slippery and then using the classic abusers DARVO technique.

He gets a kinky emotional kick yanking your chain watching you get frustrated and wound up.

Don’t give it to him.

I agree with the above posters. It's similar to all kinds of abuse - there's no way he would be that illogical in a discussion with his boss about a work problem. He is refusing to engage deliberately to wind you up.

Whenever I have accused him of emotional abuse in the past, or more frequently just using the word ‘goading’ he always denies any wrongdoing because he hasn’t physically hurt me. He doesn’t seem to realise that in some ways this is worse. If he hit me it would be clear what has happened, he couldn’t deny it and blame me so easily.
It may be too late, but I’m glad I have worked out how to articulate what he does.

Another of his favourite moves.
I would be crying, often hysterically, and for whatever reason stop or pause - exhaustion, suddenly thinking of something to say, heard the kids move around, a moment of clarity, shock - and he would exclaim sarcastic surprise, as if by stopping I was faking the crying. He even did this to DS the other day when he stopped mid tantrum and said “just like mummy”.
These things are all heavily nuanced, and so hard to explain after the fact, but can drive you to distraction.

Can you see the irony in your first sentence? He is continuing to goad and emotionally abuse you whilst you discuss goading and emotional abuse.

Have a look at these profiles - bits from each might resonate. My money is on Water Torturer

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2268977-The-Abuser-Profiles

God. Just off the phone to my parents and both have been in A&E with falls this week. Dad dislocated his finger and Mum split her head open and needed stitches.
And I’m a million light years away :-(

This book gave me every word and insight to understanding covert emotional abuse. The clue is in the name - you can’t pin it down because they are deliberately abusing you under the radar - it’s all smoke and mirrors to distract which allows them to land the punch. They never raise their voices - they repress and get you to express their anger. That’s why he is gutted when you stop mid flow - because he is expressing his anger in that flow. What’s the dynamic with his parents - who rules the roost?

books.google.co.uk/books/about/Living_With_the_Passive_Aggressive_Man.html?id=JIyyid3xRyEC&printsec=frontcover&source=kp_read_button&redir_esc=y

That’s v tough for you. That feeling of hopeless and powerlessness can be very pervasive and magnified and amplified in your unique circumstances. Allow yourself to feel shocked and sad. Take care of yourself and reach out to those that will comfort you in these difficult times (top top - it’s not him - don’t put your already wounded body and soul within emotional punching distance of him)

Have you ever turned round and said

“I am not twisting your words. I am just repeating the words back to you.
You’re the one saying them in the first place”

Your arguments sound like he is batting away your logic and unhappiness like an annoying fly that keeps buzzing round him.
If he bats it away enough times then you won’t disturb him.

The fact he hasn’t a coherent answer and just responds with, you’re twisting my words or you’re goading me etc to stop you shows he knows what you say is true but doesn’t want to change anything.

Problem is change is coming whether he likes it or not.

You cannot take pills for the rest of your life just to stay in a country. Equally he cannot continue to drink just to stay there also. That’s not healthy for anyone.

If he was happy living in NZ then why has he turned to drinking at every opportunity

Your dd overheard you and the seed has been planted that I think is a good thing.

Children are very perceptive and sometimes I think children need explanations so they can interpret what they are seeing.
I would say deep down she probably knew things weren’t right but didn’t understand why

This just jumped out at me He even did this to DS the other day when he stopped mid tantrum and said “just like mummy”

What was the context of this? Please be on your guard, as comments like these can be designed to alienate children from their other parent by undermining and denigrating them. Are you aware of him or his family dropping any other little digs about you to your children?

Please divorce him. He's vile.

Urgh, he's emotionally abusing you, definitely.

Once you get away from him, you will realise it properly, and you will wonder how you put up with it all those years. AND you will realise that you never were that nasty bitch, that was just you trying to get him to listen to ANYTHING rather than shutting you down all the time, and responding in kind because it seemed to be the only language he understands.

It's all totally deliberate on his part - for him, it's like lighting the blue touch paper, blowing on it some more if it doesn't go up immediately then standing back and enjoying the show when you explode.

In among everything else that people have talked about, there is this thing called "emotional vampirism" or "leeching" - where the person actually feeds off the energy you expend when you're upset. They needle you and needle you and needle you and then they can suck the life energy out of you. Bet you're exhausted after a bout with him, aren't you - while he won't be, he''ll be strutting around, smugly full of himself because he got you to blow again.

So keep up the grey rocking - do the emotional distancing and get you and your kids away from him, even in NZ, because the older they get, the more likely he is to turn it on them as well.

I have a friend who got away from her alcoholic abusive partner, because he was starting on the kids too - best thing she ever did.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I've been trapped in an abusive relationship in Australia for the last 12 years due to the whole 'habitually resident' thing. I've risked being thrown out of Australia and having to leave DD behind with her father if I tried to get out (spousal visa, if you leave the house you no longer have the right to remain in Australia).

DD is nearly 18 and she understands that her father is an abusive narcissist. However, she has grown up here and if I now try to get out, she may not want to leave everything she knows. It's looking increasingly likely that I will have to return to the UK due to Covid and I'm terrified that she may want to remain with her father - not because of him - but because she wants to stay here with her friends.

I took a lot of legal advice and was told that I should absolutely not risk moving out (if you have permanent residency in NZ then this does not apply to you), any legal action would cost $50K+ and to keep all of my assets off-shore. It's been absolutely horrendous. I've coped by focussing on DD and forging an entirely separate life for myself. It's been far from ideal, DD has been in therapy for years and I hate every second of living with him.

Our circumstances are slightly different, but I would urge you to seek legal advice and also caution that this situation won't suddenly be resolved when the DC turn 18 and are settled in NZ.

I think the only way out of a scenario like pinotgrigio describes is for you to tutor the children so that at 18 they have the chance to go to uni either back in the UK or in another country.

Try to widen their horizons so that living in NZ becomes less attractive.

pinotgrigio is there any chance of you trying to get your dd into a university back in the UK or somewhere other than Australia.
Or into a job that isn’t Australia based

Is it worth explaining that as much as her and her friends love each other by the time uni comes the group will all go their separate ways and they will all get new friends and whilst they will all remain friends life takes them down different paths and to different countries.

Pinogrigio what a sad and shocking situation you are in. I have also experienced this with family and friends where there was a dream that once the DCs were 18 there was and escape route - which was dashed by the emotional trap of the DCs obviously entrenched roots.

Honestly, I'd just stop. Stop arguing, stop trying to justify. You will never change him.

Focus on yourself and what you want for your future. Concentrate on a plan that is realistic and achievable. Keep getting legal advice each step of the way.