Just need to share - no solution

[Witchesandwizards]

I met my kiwi husband 13 years ago in London, I am 48, he is 42 and we have two children, 10 and 7. We moved to NZ October 2019 against my wishes, but my husband always wanted to come back.

It was always an understanding that at some point we would move to NZ but this was decided before children, before my parents became frail and it kept getting put off as we built a successful and comfortable life in London with a close network of friends. I hoped that this would mean we didn’t have to move. By the time he decided we should move, I didn’t want to, but my husband held me to a ‘promise’ I had made 12 years earlier, and despite a lot of arguments, we set the wheels in motion and moved 6 months ago.

Immediately I felt homesick and suddenly realised that I had taken my life for granted, but emotionally I still felt in control and we threw ourselves into finding a house. And when we moved into that house, I looked forward to our container arriving and then it was Christmas. I spent 4 months either expecting things to improve or busy with the holidays. I still cried, we still had arguments, but nothing could prepare me for how I felt when the kids went back to school.

At the start of February it hit me like a ton of bricks that I have left most of my family and all my friends, my career, the home we renovated together, the city I love and my country of birth. It dawned that the rest of my life could be unhappy, living in a place I hate and don’t belong. At almost 50, I don’t really have much chance of building a life that is as fulfilling as my old one - I feel bereft and trapped. The best way I can describe it is that it feels like I’m in a coma and someone is trying to turn off my life support and however hard I try to yell, I can’t make them understand that I’m alive. I feel trapped in a nightmare - I have lost all control over my life. It’s a horror movie. I can’t even look back at last year and all the planning and believe I actually came. It’s a blur. I don’t know how I got on the plane.
Everything I do reminds me of an occasion, place or person from home. Hundreds of times a day. Music makes me sad, photos make me sad, social media makes me sad. I’ve always been the sort of person who can compartmentalise my problems, and still get up every day and find something to enjoy, putting a face on through hard times and still functioning well at work and socially. But now I only function for the children and nothing brings me joy. I have deserted my parents when they need me most, I argue and fight with my husband in front of the children, I don’t earn a living and I am horrible to live with.

Consequently, we are having terrible marriage problems - I’m not playing ball and embracing life as he wants me to, and he says I am negative. He is the classic extrovert and I am a natural introvert but with extrovert ‘cover’ when needed - he thinks I should socialise more to get out of my rut, find a job (after a 24 year career in advertising, I can’t get work for logistical/childcare reasons, age and now probably recession), and is pissed off that I don’t want to hang out with his family all the time (I don’t particularly get on with them). In return I have been absolutely vile to live with, lashing out (not physically) because I blame and resent him for my situation. He is now talking about separation but has said I can’t take the children home so I would have to stay here with 50% access, spending half my time alone in a country I never wanted to live in. I don’t know if I love him, I can’t see the wood for the trees.
I know I am depressed, but what good are anti-depressants, I need a time machine.

If you got this far thank you! There is nothing anyone can do to help but writing it down maybe helped. Or maybe not. 3.30am and I'm done x

OP :)
Here's a thought...as soon as lockdown is over, take a long weekend, leave the kids with the old man, giving him a taste of being in charge, and come and stay up here with us..be pampered and listened to by Aunt Polly. We're out in the wop-wops, peace and quiet. You need some space and care. Look after yourself.

so he will allow the kids to get on a plane with you for a holiday back in the UK

This wont work as OP wont have permission for emigration, only a holiday. She will be forced to return the kids under Hague Convention proceedings due to the kids being habitually resident in NZ. The case will be held in their country of habitual residence - NZ. An NZ court wont rule in OPs favour. The applicant's legal fees are covered by the government, the respondent will pay full legal fees. Just dont do this.

pollyglot

I dont think negating the OPs lived experience, or telling her how brill NZ is will be helpful here. As a Kiwi, I feel pretty comfortable saying that.

Picsinred not my intention...I have first-hand knowledge of the difficulties she faces

That is good polyglot...but be careful not to stray into "singing praises" or telling her to "look to all the good" and "how marvellous it is for children" stats dont bear that out as OP will have that on surround sound, 24/7 as it is.

@Pollyglot
Here's a thought...as soon as lockdown is over, take a long weekend, leave the kids with the old man, giving him a taste of being in charge, and come and stay up here with us..be pampered and listened to by Aunt Polly. We're out in the wop-wops, peace and quiet. You need some space and care. Look after yourself.

I might just take you up.

It's a very weird feeling being somewhere with no resources or back up, nothing to draw on.

It's a very weird feeling being somewhere with no resources or back up, nothing to draw on.
I understand exactly what you mean. Take care.

@polyglot Thank you x

Whoops @pollyglot

PicsInRed but who is to say they are resident of NZ? They haven't been there five minutes! Just because the husband wants it so doesn't make it so. IF OP has a tonne of evidence that he and his family are a bunch of abusive pissheads no judge is going to force her to return with her kids. She has as much say as to where they are resident and especially if the kids want to stay in the UK which they will.
Sure there's a law but in OPs shoes I would be using that law as a tool to get what I want, ie gathering evidence for her case. Her mental health and that of her children are at risk here. I would be out of there and fighting a sophisticated fight from a position of strength.

I think you need to emotionally brace yourself for a lot more gaslighting and manipulation to make you appear to be labile. Brace yourself and be calm and distant. Let him behave like a shit and protect your kids. Let them see him being a shit. Let them talk to the judge and let them be prepared to tell him they want to return to UK where you were happier.

@RatonesAzucar that’s bad advice - you cannot take children away from their parent like that under UK/NZ law, it’s considered kidnapping. If she did so it would not only affect her custody but it could see her end up in jail. The OP needs a lawyer’s advice.

RatonesAzucar, please stop posting in this thread. We have established multiple times that the OP cannot unilaterally take her children to the UK, and the OP herself chas categorically ruled it out in any case. This is illegal and would result in legal action, the children being sent back, and the OP not being able to so much as take them to the park without the fathers permission.

@justilou1 Yes, that is the conclusion I have come to. And that’s what I have been doing for the last couple of weeks - keeping calm, not letting him get to me. Business as usual around the house and with the kids. Hope he
ties himself in knots.

But I don’t think they would choose me in UK vs DH here. DS might, but even being asked to choose would destroy DD.
I can picture her little face.
This is the root of my terror - he’s left me without a solution for my pain.

@RatonesAzucar as much as I had hoped for a legal get out of jail, unfortunately there isn’t one. The kids are regarded as habitual residents of NZ (which is crazy) and as such I can’t just take them. In fact, he can even stop me taking them for holidays which he suggested if I can still go in July as he is worried about self isolation both there and back.

I need a time machine.

Yes, while there is no court order at the moment to the effect that the OP cannot take the children out of New Zealand, it would be a very very bad idea, unless she had her DH's permission.

While he has not been honest with her, she did comment that she didn't believe that it was intentional to bring the whole family all the way to New Zealand to live in misery.

The added complication is now the NZ PM says today that opening the borders will be quite some time, so a bit of a moot point.

My view is that mediation is the road to go down, and at least an amicable split.

Obviously in addition to any legal advice....

witchesandwizards - I think you are trying to detach but I think you have shown instances of where you are still in the game - going to a GP and trying to get a diagnosis of someone else being an alcoholic so that you can throw that officially at them is just not going to happen - you will look foolish at the GP - and vengeful to your DH and his family who will just mock you and again point at you being crazy and unhinged.

Don’t walk into that trap - don’t hand them that grenade.

Again and again and again - you don’t get listened to. They are all alcoholics in denial - you are wasting your breath, frustrating yourself and eroding your strategic advantage.

If you want to get all your angries out do it here, via a journal, therapist or v v trusted friends - there is ZERO to be gained by engaging with him and a LOT to be lost.

Focus on your mental and physical wellbeing and that of your DC. Shut out the white noise of obsessing, being preoccupied and emotionally drained by an unfixable alcoholic system.

The sooner you turn your back on that emotionally, detach and then proactively fill that vacuum with new positive stuff around your children, friends and family - the sooner your depression will lift and the more control and agency you will have in your own life.

This is all v simple - but not easy. You need nerves of steel and support to see what’s happening and hold you strong on each and every minute and massive triggering incident that comes your way.

@ilovemydogandMrObama
Yep.
www.google.com/amp/s/www.bbc.com/news/amp/world-asia-52540733

Just when I thought things couldn’t get worse this just broke my heart a little more.
Not for me and moving back, but for my mum and dad who now don’t get their visit in July. I don’t get to hold my dad’s hand and try and understand him speak.
If we do split, I don’t get to tell them to their faces. Tell them I’m ok. Not sure how much shit I can take.

@Gutterton I don’t want a diagnosis for him and it’s at the bottom of my notes, but his drinking does impact my mental health and there’s a small chance it may be useful to have it logged.

Witches - with the kindest of intentions, if you do get the choice to go back to the UK with the kids, don't ASK them. You can't put that on them, they're far too young to make that decision and will always wonder "what if,", whichever way they decide.

You TELL them that you are going back and that they will see Daddy again in a few months' time.

It's all a bit moot as the chance of it happening is not that high - but please, don't put that choice/ decision on them, it's not fair.

The best thing you can do atm as well as keeping calm and gathering evidence is to be fun mum whilst engineering situations where their father has to police their homework or do things where he isn’t fun dad. So if there is a choice to be made you are both more on equal footings.

You need to engineer situations where the children see what their father is like and slowly take the shine off the fun dad persona.

I know it isn’t nice but what he has done to this family with the lies and refusing to listen and wanting to wreck his children’s and wife’s future is far worse.

I have 2 worries about your children being in NZ

The first is if you split that during the weekends or days when your dh has custody of the children that the supervision of them around swimming pools or sea or just generally isn’t going to be there and anything might happen.

An alcoholic father surrounded by alcoholic family isn’t capable of looking after children.

The second as you have said is the boredom when they are teens. With their father and his families alcohol issues. They are more than likely to go down the route of drinking and drug taking.

NZ reminds me of a village I once lived in.

Beautiful scenery but absolutely nothing to do.
The people were so bored. It was drinking every night after work. All day Saturday then church on Sunday followed by the pub. Sunday roast with wine then back in the pub in the evening and get up for work on the Monday and it all started again.

They became so alcohol dependant that it took away any ability to get themselves out of the place.
Only those who had partners who bought into the routine had marriages that survived

I think this is the type of route your dh’s family take. He knows the routine and has returned to the familiarity encouraged by the other drinkers around him of relying on alcohol to entertain him.

I think his family are close because of alcohol.

I wonder if your dh decided to go alcohol free how close he would be with his family Or if encouraging him to drink didn’t work would they treat him as though he were attacking the fundamental basis of the family and not part of the family anymore till he started to imbibe.

The closeness of his whole family is based on lies, secrets and alcohol. If everyone told the truth, there wasn’t any secrets or alcohol involved I think there wouldn’t be a family

PicsInRedbut who is to say they are resident of NZ?

NZ considers children to be habitually resident from footfall on NZ soil - all they need is a valid visa (even if Mum loses hers through divorce).

I dont agree with it, I think it's monstrous, but that is how the law is applied in NZ and NZ is the country which would hear the Hague Convention case in this instance.

Keep logging the drinking and the behaviour. Keep a diary he can’t get to - even if this means creating a new email address with a password he’ll never, ever guess and emailing that same address each time. (From an iPad, whatever.) I suspect if he is drinking himself into an unrecognizable fuckwit who has been letting you take the load for the family’s misery, if you throw it back to him (so the kids can hear it - and the reason why) maybe your DD might change her mind. You are doing everything for them, after all. Also keep using words like “hostility” and “alcoholic” around him. Compared to NZ and Australians, people in the UK very much try to protect their kids from the reality of the situation, and the kids end up filling in the blanks themselves. Your DD might end up falling for your DH’s charm offensive and seeing your day to day resentment as being aimed at her.

How did you get on with the GP today witchesandwizards? I hope you felt heard and have a recovery path outlined.

Hello
It went well and I felt understood, despite a bit of an incoherent start. Just writing ‘Manchester, UK’ as my place of birth on the forms set me off!

My 15 minute appointment took an hour and she went beyond purely a medical remit and discussed our relationship in some depth as well as my guilt over my parents. It felt more like a counselling session than a GP visit. She said I’m in the middle of an emotional tsunami that I can’t deal with alone - I am grieving the same as a bereavement, but without the support I would expect if someone had died. No shit, thanks DH.
She has put me on Lexapro, recommended some strenuous exercise as well as yoga/tai chi/meditation although it will take 4 hours a week of this for 10 weeks to see a difference. And to have a bath every day to keep warm! I’ve lost a few kg and am quite skinny anyway and I was a bit blue (windy chilly day in Auckland). She also recommended I keep a journal to manage my emotions, so I’ll double up and use it to record day to day ‘stuff’ @justilou1
She was surprised DH has said he is leaving at the end of lockdown and recommended getting legal advice. She has been here for 30 years, but is German and recognised a lot of the feelings I described from when she moved from Berlin to NZ and, as a lot of people have said, noted that it takes 2 years to settle IF YOU CHOOSE TO MOVE.
Interestingly, as soon as I told her I had a 10 year old dd, she pointed out that her loyalties would be torn as I said yesterday.

She’s going to call me once a week for the first few weeks to see how it’s going and then meet again after 6 weeks to assess the medication/next steps.

DH asked how I went and I just told him ok. No detail. I’m not ready to talk yet. I am angry that I need to do this because of him.

@Gutterton thank you for remembering and asking x

Just keep diary concept secret and completely and utterly locked down and away from his prying eyes!!!

That sounds like a really important milestone for you and how amazing that she has looked at a very bespoke and holistic recovery route for you. I am sure that you will get stuck into that so that physically and mentally you will be stronger and more balanced to make decisions on next steps.

Sounds like you know that legally you cannot leave with the DCs without his permission.....and seeking his permission may or may not be something you want to consider as that will likely have implications for the DCs. However you may decide that you want an option to return to the UK temporarily for a year to try out living on either sides of the world and in order to support your parents at some point when they need you down the line and you could ask him for this?

But the most important step is that you are taking care to restore your mind, body and spirit after this tectonic emotional upheaval in your life and have various support systems and strategies in place to calm the trauma. Once your own mental well-being gets back on an even keel you will be able to see other issues in a much sharper focus and know what to do and when. It’s a long journey, not always in a straight line - but you have taken the first step. You are doing great.

Perhaps you could use the excuse of your Dad's illness to take the children to the UK.
Your "d"h might have met someone by then and might not mind you not coming back with the children.