Just need to share - no solution

[Witchesandwizards]

I met my kiwi husband 13 years ago in London, I am 48, he is 42 and we have two children, 10 and 7. We moved to NZ October 2019 against my wishes, but my husband always wanted to come back.

It was always an understanding that at some point we would move to NZ but this was decided before children, before my parents became frail and it kept getting put off as we built a successful and comfortable life in London with a close network of friends. I hoped that this would mean we didn’t have to move. By the time he decided we should move, I didn’t want to, but my husband held me to a ‘promise’ I had made 12 years earlier, and despite a lot of arguments, we set the wheels in motion and moved 6 months ago.

Immediately I felt homesick and suddenly realised that I had taken my life for granted, but emotionally I still felt in control and we threw ourselves into finding a house. And when we moved into that house, I looked forward to our container arriving and then it was Christmas. I spent 4 months either expecting things to improve or busy with the holidays. I still cried, we still had arguments, but nothing could prepare me for how I felt when the kids went back to school.

At the start of February it hit me like a ton of bricks that I have left most of my family and all my friends, my career, the home we renovated together, the city I love and my country of birth. It dawned that the rest of my life could be unhappy, living in a place I hate and don’t belong. At almost 50, I don’t really have much chance of building a life that is as fulfilling as my old one - I feel bereft and trapped. The best way I can describe it is that it feels like I’m in a coma and someone is trying to turn off my life support and however hard I try to yell, I can’t make them understand that I’m alive. I feel trapped in a nightmare - I have lost all control over my life. It’s a horror movie. I can’t even look back at last year and all the planning and believe I actually came. It’s a blur. I don’t know how I got on the plane.
Everything I do reminds me of an occasion, place or person from home. Hundreds of times a day. Music makes me sad, photos make me sad, social media makes me sad. I’ve always been the sort of person who can compartmentalise my problems, and still get up every day and find something to enjoy, putting a face on through hard times and still functioning well at work and socially. But now I only function for the children and nothing brings me joy. I have deserted my parents when they need me most, I argue and fight with my husband in front of the children, I don’t earn a living and I am horrible to live with.

Consequently, we are having terrible marriage problems - I’m not playing ball and embracing life as he wants me to, and he says I am negative. He is the classic extrovert and I am a natural introvert but with extrovert ‘cover’ when needed - he thinks I should socialise more to get out of my rut, find a job (after a 24 year career in advertising, I can’t get work for logistical/childcare reasons, age and now probably recession), and is pissed off that I don’t want to hang out with his family all the time (I don’t particularly get on with them). In return I have been absolutely vile to live with, lashing out (not physically) because I blame and resent him for my situation. He is now talking about separation but has said I can’t take the children home so I would have to stay here with 50% access, spending half my time alone in a country I never wanted to live in. I don’t know if I love him, I can’t see the wood for the trees.
I know I am depressed, but what good are anti-depressants, I need a time machine.

If you got this far thank you! There is nothing anyone can do to help but writing it down maybe helped. Or maybe not. 3.30am and I'm done x

Being a 'problem drinker' sn't any less bad than being alcohol dependent of course, if it's impairing his marriage etc. 'Just a binge drinker,' even if true, is still pretty bad, especially as it's suspiciously frequent.

With no acknowledgement of what happened leading up to me doing that because he can’t remember

I don't really believe that he can't remember- or at least we can't know for sure.

Unfortunately, it sounds like he is a discretionary beneficiary, which means that the trust administrators can choose to pay or not to pay whatever they want to your husband. They could simply pay more to the parents who might slip cash "gifts" to your husband. On that account, I can't see how any claim could be made against the trust income. I'm afraid this sort of trust set up is common in NZ. I'm so sorry. Appealing to his greed will be your best hope.

Kiwis know how these family trusts work.

It's part of the business and rural culture. We all know.

He knew.

To be honest, they can keep their money as long as they still include our kids. I just hope karma gets them.
It's still the deceit. I would have refused to have come if I had of known the true situation. Wouldn't have been in this position.

Seriously don’t waste your breath and headspace trying to get him to see he has a drink problem - that’s just you back in the game.

Al Anon - teach you the opposite - detaching with love is the phrase - don’t engage - save your finite emotional energy for yourself and your DCs and your recovery and understanding of what you all with have to deal with long term. Anything else is just “nagging” - drop the rope - don’t take the bait.

Not read the whole thread so please forgive me if I have got this wrong.

Your dh returned to take over the family business. That was sold to him as a £million business but he didn’t actually look at the figures before torpedoing his life in London and getting on a plane. He didn’t let you look at the figures either (probably because deep down he knew it wasn’t as great as he was selling it.

He pushed you into getting on the plane with little thought about what you wanted.
Little thought to how it would make you feel.

He isn’t even trying to help you settle in.

Your dh is not a nice person. He isn’t a great dad. You can’t be a great dad if you ride tough shod over your children’s mother and make her life miserable

Anyone can be the entertainer if they don’t have to deal with or the mental load of running a house.

He was going to return regardless of what you thought or said.
Nothing is ever going to change in your life.
You are facing years of misery and if anything happens to your parents then it will be so much worse.

From my understanding because of his job, his family commitments and his drinking he isn’t going to be able to look after his dc even if you split

I find it odd that he doesn’t want you to take the children away from him but put the phone down on you for 2 weeks.
If you take away the days on the road away from them and take away the times he has a beer on his hand or hanging out with his family how long does he actually spend with them sober.

I would look into getting some legal advice about returning to the UK.

You only have one life and living it in a country you hate even with a 10 bedroom mansion and servants on tap won’t make up for the depression and waste of your life.

There has got to be a way out of this.

@Gutterton yep, a moment of weakness and definitely going to back off on the alcohol now - it's one of my 'cards'. I'm afraid I've been a shitty mum today though. The kids have lost it over lockdown, and DS is refusing to do anything and I keep crying. DH banned him from TV because of his behaviour last night so can't even occupy him with that. Given what I'm up against, I feel I'm doing ok just to keep them alive at the moment, but it wouldn't look like that to the outside world when I'm sat crying in my walk in wardrobe and they are running riot.

Anyway, I have finally managed to make a face to face appointment with a GP next week, and it happens that she is a member of the Australasian Menopause Society, and potentially not Kiwi as she did her medical training in Germany. If so, she may have more empathy for my situation.

*@Oliversmumsarmy@ Yes, that pretty much sums it up.
He does adore the kids and they adore him (they are gagging for fun daddy to come home from work so he can chase them round the house, play ball and they can have a break from sad mummy) and I can't take that away from him. He always has time to play with them.
I guess he sees them as much as any full time working dad as in normal times, he would have them with him when he sees his family. Although he has started staying in bed late at weekends - in London we were generally early birds even after he had been drinking - so loses those mornings. It's a real worry how they would cope without him and blame me for that.

I already have that legal advice (from a barrister with in depth experience of the Hague Convention) and it's a no go without his permission. This is their 'habitual residence'.

In NZ you can't start divorce proceeding for 2 years so I would push to stay in the house for the kids benefit until then, so he would go and live with his parents and his mum would help him out with school pick ups etc. She is the last person I would want having input into their upbringing though. This is one of my biggest fears, being stuck here and only having the kids 50% of the time. I have nothing else. Those long nights on my own in a place I don't want to be. I'm terrified.

I know it sounds dramatic, but while I have been researching counsellors, I came across a PTSD checklist and what I am experiencing actually fits with a lot of the symptoms. If moving away from the UK and moving here is my 'trauma' it makes sense.
I get a physical reaction - heart pounding, nausea, bursting into tears whenever something reminds me of home. And this happens dozens, if not hundreds of times a day. Using a household object and remembering the last time I used it at home, every item of clothing in my wardrobe has memories so I wear the same things, I can't listen to music, look at photos, wear perfume. I suspended my FB account for my birthday because I couldn't bear to get messages from home. And other things that are less obvious. Imagine dozens of punches in the gut every day. Flash backs and bad dreams. And NZ - I can't look up when I'm out, the beautiful views make me shake, can't read the words 'made in NZ' on food packaging without feeling sick, the same reaction when I had to write my address down for my cousin. I. Live. In. NZ. I've become scared of the dark. Every morning I wake up with my heart pounding when I realise where I am. It's horrendous.

I don’t think it sounds dramatic at all - your life has been turned upside down and inside out - ptsd and depression would be a natural reaction from your body to the betrayal situation you find yourself in. But you are demonstrating incredible resourcefulness by getting informed and taking action at some many different levels in your life. But that is emotionally exhausting. You have climbed some mountains - time to get some help from your Dr - definitely speak about your trauma symptoms and push yourself for some self care. And it’s fine to withdraw and cry in the walk in wardrobe - that’s survival x

Not dramatic at all OP, it makes a lot of sense especially in your case (you didn’t want to move in the first place, were bullied and once there emotionally abused). Add the completely idiotic advice that you should be happy because you now live near beautiful beaches, it’s no wonder you feel your feelings are not valid.

I hope you feel a bit better today 💐

Thank you @Gutterton - your support and help deciphering some of DH's behaviour has been phenomenal.

Tonight is darts night. I'm dreading it, but I also need it for the log I am keeping. I have audited the booze so I can record a regular Friday night. Once a project manager.....

Thank you x

I hope the evening goes as "well" as you could expect (ie minimal disruption for you and the children)

This is one of my biggest fears, being stuck here and only having the kids 50% of the time. I have nothing else. Those long nights on my own in a place I don't want to be. I'm terrified.
I think you have to begin finding a way of imagining this more positively, otherwise you will stick in the status quo forever. Can you make yourself a 'mood board', a bit like interior designers do? Cut and paste pictures of your favourite meals, time with the children, a workplace, your local friends etc. You need to have a positive image to work towards.

Fun dad is only fun dad because you make it possible.

Fun dad will stay fun dad because his mum will make it possible

Fun dad on his own with the dc doesn’t exist it is an illusion.

I would be turning this around.
You have your fun time with your kids. Let getting tea and homework be with daddy when he gets home from work.
You need to have the fun times as well.

If he is drinking and his family are big drinkers how long will it take before fun dad becomes drunk dad, you know deep down that persona isn’t going to last in the current climate of being surrounded by his family in a country where it sounds so horrendously boring that the residents drink just so they can all blot out their lives.

I wonder if you put it to him that if he was sober would he still live in NZ

If he needs a drink just to live there then why are you staying.

From my understanding it isn’t because of the wonderful business that won’t ever be his and was sold to him as some a great gift that has turned into a large stone around your marriages neck and to keep him sweet each time he sees his parents they are shovelling alcohol down his throat to keep him docile.

I wonder if the drinking is a symptom of his own unhappiness

From what you describe I think he sees the children for a lot less than even those who are commuting an hour each way into London and even then it is only because you make it possible.

The trouble with "emotionally unavailable" dad (apart from "fun") is that the kids will do whatever they can, cling onto the smallest bit of input from him, because that's the only way they can get his attention and feel like they are worthy of his love.

We see it over and over and over again on the boards - even as adults, they are still desperate for approval and love from the most negligent wankers (male and female) and will go to great lengths to achieve it, unless they have some epiphany when they realise that they will never get it and then decide to cut contact.

So yes, your kids will always be hanging for "fun dad" if it's the ONLY attention he gives them, and they crave those crumbs.

That's not to say that you should deny them "fun dad" - but on the other hand if you get the chance to go back to the UK with them, you absolutely must take it for both your AND their sakes. They can go and visit "fun dad and the alcoholics" (sounds like a bad cover band!) in school holidays, but they'd have a safe, stable background with you - and you wouldn't be "miserable mum" if you were back in the UK.

I know you need his permission or that's not going to be an option - but I'm just saying, if you GET that option then take it!

Could you have an honest conversation with him.

Could you earn more as a family by moving back to London or anywhere else in the world.
Apart from his family what is actually keeping you in NZ

The business is not what you were told it was going to be and either he was lied to or he lied to you to get you to NZ

If he won’t be moved then agree to give him the kids for alternate holidays and ask for you to go back home with them.

Sell it to him as that he will get complete uninterrupted access.

If you went for 50/50 access and he kept you in NZ how would that work out

He can’t dump them on to his mother for his half the week.

Is he going to come back to find his children being looked after by a drunk

Is his mother physically or mentally able to look after his children for the next 10 years

For his childrens sake wouldn’t he prefer for his children to be looked after full time by a happy mother and have quality uninterrupted time with his children for several weeks at a time each year.

I’m for the honest grown up conversation too. Is it possible to put on the table your ideal solution? He may surprise you and agree. It really sounds so miserable for everyone.

He’s gone for the weekend.
Broken stage three rules and driven to the beach house where his parents and law breaking twin brother are.

I want to wait until I see the doctor on Wednesday before I talk. It will be good to have ‘facts’ - it’s pretty much obvious I am depressed (at least), and I want to log his drinking and my worries about his family drinking. See what the GP says about that.
He doesn’t listen to me explaining how I feel, but he can’t deny a diagnosis.

@0liversmumsarmy We both had fairly unique jobs at home in that he had been with his employer since the business started, resulting in a much higher salary than the market standard, and I had part time in an industry renowned for no work life balance. He’s actually on exactly the same salary here, but we are screwed because our outgoings are £2k pcm more, and I’m not working.
This would balance out any drop to his UK salary though.

However. Fucking Coronavirus.
I just don’t know. He should be ok - medical sales, but me? Advertising, an industry that was already streamlining, is going to be hit hard. It’s all such a mess and blurs choices. I will give him a proposal that is less than he would likely have to pay here - enough to pay off the mortgage On the rental and renovate it, plus maintenance. This is about £150k than the minimum the lawyer thinks I would get here.
I would at least be living mortgage free.

If we separate and he goes to his parents I am going to let him have the kids every other weekend and one day a week. Anything more is too disruptive as they are too far from school. And he can do bloody Wednesdays when DS will have football 4-5.30pm and DS netball 5-7pm

His mum is fit and healthy (pickled?) now at 69, but is not going to find it getting any easier. Plus she has FIL whose dementia is so bad he now can’t communicate. She has her hands quite full.

I can’t think about 50:50 if I have to stay. As the stay at home parent I would push for more.
And UK holidays July and December.
But even that - god only knows how much flights are going to be for the next few years.

My interim plan either way is to hone my basic admin skills, in either country, this will help get a half decent job with the potential to work from home. Word, Excel, PowerPoint - I’m rusty and just use the basics. Plus a proofreading course.

I’m going to enjoy a couple of days with the kids now. Game of Life (how ironic), fajitas and Turner and Hooch. Maybe even a G&T as know I can enjoy it without him finishing off the bottle!

Oh my god.
Just had a bit of a root around to see if I could find any financial papers.
Instead I found two condoms in an overnight bag. We haven’t used condoms since pre children.
Expiry date 2022.

“Dear DH, what happened to the other one?”

Oh god indeed. Be strong thisay give you some leverage.

It will. If it’s over anyway, it’s good that he has probably cheated (any other explanation?)
Even his family can not condone this.

This is where the time difference really sucks. No one at home is up.

Omg

Oh shit. He does have an explanation and the expiry date fits. And it’s the most implausible explanation!!!!!
One of his products at home, was a syringe for injecting eyes and he had to demonstrate - basically using a hairdresser’s dummy with it’s eyes cut out, replaced with ping pong balls covered in condoms. He would then show the doctors how to inject between the condom and ball. He once dropped this grotesque thing out of its box in London Bridge in front of shocked commuters.
So he had a whole box in his work bag.