Just need to share - no solution

[Witchesandwizards]

I met my kiwi husband 13 years ago in London, I am 48, he is 42 and we have two children, 10 and 7. We moved to NZ October 2019 against my wishes, but my husband always wanted to come back.

It was always an understanding that at some point we would move to NZ but this was decided before children, before my parents became frail and it kept getting put off as we built a successful and comfortable life in London with a close network of friends. I hoped that this would mean we didn’t have to move. By the time he decided we should move, I didn’t want to, but my husband held me to a ‘promise’ I had made 12 years earlier, and despite a lot of arguments, we set the wheels in motion and moved 6 months ago.

Immediately I felt homesick and suddenly realised that I had taken my life for granted, but emotionally I still felt in control and we threw ourselves into finding a house. And when we moved into that house, I looked forward to our container arriving and then it was Christmas. I spent 4 months either expecting things to improve or busy with the holidays. I still cried, we still had arguments, but nothing could prepare me for how I felt when the kids went back to school.

At the start of February it hit me like a ton of bricks that I have left most of my family and all my friends, my career, the home we renovated together, the city I love and my country of birth. It dawned that the rest of my life could be unhappy, living in a place I hate and don’t belong. At almost 50, I don’t really have much chance of building a life that is as fulfilling as my old one - I feel bereft and trapped. The best way I can describe it is that it feels like I’m in a coma and someone is trying to turn off my life support and however hard I try to yell, I can’t make them understand that I’m alive. I feel trapped in a nightmare - I have lost all control over my life. It’s a horror movie. I can’t even look back at last year and all the planning and believe I actually came. It’s a blur. I don’t know how I got on the plane.
Everything I do reminds me of an occasion, place or person from home. Hundreds of times a day. Music makes me sad, photos make me sad, social media makes me sad. I’ve always been the sort of person who can compartmentalise my problems, and still get up every day and find something to enjoy, putting a face on through hard times and still functioning well at work and socially. But now I only function for the children and nothing brings me joy. I have deserted my parents when they need me most, I argue and fight with my husband in front of the children, I don’t earn a living and I am horrible to live with.

Consequently, we are having terrible marriage problems - I’m not playing ball and embracing life as he wants me to, and he says I am negative. He is the classic extrovert and I am a natural introvert but with extrovert ‘cover’ when needed - he thinks I should socialise more to get out of my rut, find a job (after a 24 year career in advertising, I can’t get work for logistical/childcare reasons, age and now probably recession), and is pissed off that I don’t want to hang out with his family all the time (I don’t particularly get on with them). In return I have been absolutely vile to live with, lashing out (not physically) because I blame and resent him for my situation. He is now talking about separation but has said I can’t take the children home so I would have to stay here with 50% access, spending half my time alone in a country I never wanted to live in. I don’t know if I love him, I can’t see the wood for the trees.
I know I am depressed, but what good are anti-depressants, I need a time machine.

If you got this far thank you! There is nothing anyone can do to help but writing it down maybe helped. Or maybe not. 3.30am and I'm done x

This is a really dreadful situation op and I really feel for you.

It is to your credit that you made the move but the decision was based on ignorance or false information.

I agree that this is a dh problem rather than an expat problem. If your DH was a decent bloke , he would be very attentive to your needs and helping you through this. And he's not really a great dad if he can go off for a fortnight and not be in touch with the kids. Or did he contact them separately to you?

Also, how do your DC like NZ so far? It's only been six months but apart from saying your son is showing signs of stress, you haven't mentioned if they like the schooling, the sports, whether they are homesick?

Also - when you were talking about his friends - what did you mean when you said you don't feel "safe"?

And I don't think you are making up excuses about your work either. I live in a country where it is difficult to work and anyway,mid your DH travels, that makes it much, much more difficult.

This is all so awful. I think your depression is entirely understandable given the situation and how trapped you feel. It's an entirely natural response. Please get some proper help for it as I think you need some clarity of thought as to whether your marriage is over or not. If it is then you need to do something about it quickly. And ditto if it isn't. Otherwise, as you know, it is going to be a car crash for the DC.

Good luck op

I wrote a post to you upthread and have been following the thread since. I am sorry for what you are going through, his behaviour is horrible. I am concerned that, with his level of drinking, he could also be dangerous.

While I stand by the first part of my post, my (revised) advice to you now would be to leave ASAP. Separate but stay living in NZ as a first step. Move into a rental and claim any benefits that are available. I also think that you should contact your doctor with your concerns about his drinking, so that you have it on record. The fact that he has told you he wants to leave is a gift, use it.

I also strongly suspect that he might lose interest in being an involved father once he has to make an effort to see and maintain a relationship with them. He may then be willing to give you permission to go back home.

Yes, same as Maybedoctor I managed to post without reading some of your updates. The more you post, the worse your DH appears to be.

Just thinking, OP, you have a house in London and potentially a family trust which could (probably unsuccessfully, but still) be contested as part of your divorce. You also have the family home in NZ and possibly other assets.

Have you considered offering to settle the divorce in a way slightly more favourable to your DH in order to receive permission to relocate back to the United Kingdom? I have no doubt you would make back any loss and more, returning to your old industry. With the support of family and friends in the UK, you would he best placed to financially recover.

I would start by enquiring with a solicitor both in NZ and also in the UK whether you could just qualify to file for divorce in the UK. Your settlement on the house may be more favourable in that jurisdiction. If your petition for divorce is accepted in London, you have a strategic advantage to begin negotiations on return.

Dont discuss any of this with him until you have spoken with solicitors and know where you stand. I also wouldnt execute any financial agreements until relocation permission was documented, signed and properly witnessed and all of your feet had stepped back onto the floor of Heathrow.

A man like this loves control - but the ultimate is money and he may be willing to dispense with you all in order to receive a lump sum and no further realistically and practically enforceable child support to pay.

Well, I definitely can’t take the kids without permission. The lawyer was lovely and being English, understood the issues as he has a lot of personal experience, even down to his English DIL arriving a few months ago and realising her UK work experience is null and void. He gets the type of family I married into, is worried about the alcohol, said child custody isn’t necessarily 50:50...

But it still leaves me here if DH doesn’t let me go home. And if we split assets, even if I get the 70/30 share best case scenario because of our imbalance in income potential, I couldn’t afford to live in our suburb and would have to move schools and away from the friends we have made. And probably further from the CBD and work opportunities. This throws up a whole heap of new worries.

Op there may be an easing of the property market with the coming recession and the cha fed to the tenancy act which are viewed as unfavourable to landlords (some may sell up, and this plus falling house prices may mean a temporary dip even in Auckland where housing is so astronomically expensive). Given it will take a few weeks at least to work through what will happen next with dh, there may be an outside chance of properties becoming cheaper where you are.

Changes not cha fed!

ilovemydog I don’t think he planned to bring us then dump me, I just think he didn’t think! He was hoodwinked by his overbearing mother and the brother desperate to get him back. Really shit adulting and an immature way to deal with such a big decision. Now I’m not playing ball and causing unrest in his happy family, and want to choose my own friends, it’s not working out the way he planned.

I’ve put a few things on my FB that make it clear I’m homesick - nothing controversial, just ‘missing home/people’, comments on memories, replies to posts on my wall, Billie Eillish singing Yesterday at the Oscars. He told me that his friends have said ‘is Witches ok mate’ wink wink? Not supportive, critical, taking the piss, and he’s embarrassed. Walk for a day in my shoes and you might be a little less fucking mean.

@slychomping
Thank you for your post.
He tried to call the kids once, but I said I needed to speak to him first (I’d just heard tenants in the UK couldn’t pay rent because of Covid and the Internet was down and needed it for homeschooling - his account) so he put the phone down.

The kids are very happy in NZ, but definitely homesick and would be happy to move back. Not without daddy though which is a worry.

By safe, I mean who I feel comfortable and able to open up to. They are his brother’s friends who have a known each other from school and the wives for 20 odd years. They are perfectly nice for the odd bbq, but I feel like an outsider and can’t be myself and it makes me feel more lonely. X

OP I would scenario plan your future around what is the best emotional environment for your DCs and you to be safe and prosper.

I wouldn’t colour that with materialistic and financial considerations just yet because once you have decided on your emotional nirvana / goal / vision for you all - once you know what that feels like - maybe a calm and peaceful home, with joy and hope, enriched with nourishing family and friends as positive, encouraging and inspiring role models, you can then adapt your financial and practical situation to meet your goal

• even if it means significant compromises financially and logistically to achieve this.

This is giving your DCs riches that are not £££s or $$$s and will last a lifetime.

To me your immediate family environment with your DH sounds toxic, the extended family an even more polluted soup to raise your DCs in - and even if you separated sounds like this polluted soup would be even more concentrated with DH and DCs spending a lot of time with his corrosive alcoholic family.

How do you think your DCs will be affected by this and turn out?

Who will be their counter balance - who are the healthy role models?

To me on the outside your DCs will be much more set for a sustainable, emotionally successful and productive life if protected and away from toxic alcoholic families / communities and raised by a stable Mum surrounded with lots of positive healthy loving family and friends - if that’s a simple
lifestyle materialistically so be it - a fancy beach house and swimming pool won’t protect or erase the damage inflicted by toxic family.

I would be really, really careful about giving any indication of your emotional state to his brothers friends and their wives - directly or indirectly on FB. They will close ranks, bully and victimise you because they will interpret this as a criticism of their way of life, of their community and country.

Really don’t trust them. Compartmentalise your deep emotions - get them listened to, heard and processed in private - in a safe place - with a counsellor, your old friends back home, online forums, Al Anon (also online) etc.

I wouldn’t bother socialising with his extended family and friends - keep it distance, breezy and polite if you bump into them. Make new friends through hobbies etc (but be careful that there are likely to be connections) - keep these friendships light to bring you fun and distraction for now.

Oh my word, I have read many threads over the years, but what a nightmare situation you have landed in, you have my sympathies.

As others have said above all you have a DH issue. He is either your life partner and should be helping you resolve the issues, or he is just another problem you have to deal with, he needs to decide which!

Just one other point, it may be worth trying HRT before antidepressants, though you may have to push for it. They may give you more energy and help you feel a little more in control.

Personally I think if you want to come home, set that as your objective and start working on it, I mean if your husband won't give you permission to take the children home with you, leaving gives him a logistical nightmare to solve, & I suspect he would fold and allow you to take them, and yes they of course would miss their 'good' dad, but they could have lovely holidays with him and more importantly you would get your life back.

Agree with Torres. Many expat situations and inter-country relationships are complex, but this is one of the most difficult I have read about on here and experienced in rl. (Many of my friends and acquaintances have been through torrid times living in an expat situation.) I can completely understand how your dh can appear relatively ok in the UK and as soon as he gets back to his own culture and family "revert" to being more like them.

I think that is very good advice from Gutterton. It's really awful that just at the time when you need to reach out and be open and ask for help, you have to keep your deepest feelings from the only family contacts you have on the other side of the world, but I think it's a wise strategy. Some proper counselling with a supportive older woman who has seen a bit of life might be very helpful indeed in this situation. You need some time and space to arrive at a place where you have clarity of thought and purpose.

Wishing you lots of strength

I was going to say similar to what Gutterton has just posted - keep the brothers' friends and wives at arm's length, do not admit them into your confidence. Make your own friends, or save your deeper feeling chats for people from home or on here, but do NOT let on to these people what your plans may be.

I would actually attempt to get your H (I refuse to use the D for him) to give you permission to take the children back. Since he's not exactly behaving like a responsible parent, he might be ok with letting you all go - he can then get back to being like a single drunkard with his pals again. But not until you have other things in place.

Either way I think you have to leave him, because he's causing devastation to your family - it might be less noticeable now but it will become more so, especially now that you've got this other little girl around who knows exactly what it's like to lose someone to alcohol. :(

So please do all you can to separate from him and keep yourself and the children safe.

Thanks everyone
My FB friends list was well and truly audited and privacy status double checked as soon as I found out what people had been saying.

I am unlikely to see the friends as they do not live in our suburb, but family I will. I will see them afer lockdown, I will go with my kids as will be expected.They will see I am in pain (I look shit at the moment), but I will be strong. Lockdown has been useful to get my ducks in a row without causing a scene, and now I need to be strategic

And Gutterton, I completely agree about money as a principle, but I have been worrying how I would put food on the table - if you add Covid 19 to my previous employment restrictions, there is every chance I will struggle to earn enough to keep myself.
And as for the area, I would like to be away from him, but my only 'comfort' are the friends I have met. And the reason they are as they are, is that none of them are Aucklanders, they haven't known each other since kindergarten, and as such are much more diverse and interesting. They are all kind women who have gone above and beyond to include me and look after me.

@Maybedoctor, I am definitely going to log the drinking with my GP. I'm already worried about tomorrow night as it's darts night, this isn't.

And the lawyer said I can get rid of him and stay in the house. In NZ you can't file for divorce until you have been separated for two years so that buys me time. And also time to either find a job or prove that, despite trying hard, I just cannot. The legal concept of 'economic disparity' means I will likely get between 70 and 100% of family assets and while I can't touch the trust par se, the fact it includes a business means I could make a claim for maintenance against it.
This is still all shit as this is the 'stay' scenario', but it makes me stronger and less scared if it does happen (and because DH believes the spilt will be 50:50, custody 50:50 and no responsibility for me going forward).

I'm also going to be proactive and look into honing up my IT skills once the kids are back at school, even just MS Office - for years I have been using bespoke industry packages and I am rusty. At least I could get an admin job, maybe work from home.

Slychomping, I have a personal recommendation of just that counsellor from my lovely friends, as well as another who helped one of them transition back into NZ life after 10 years in the UK x

Witchesandwizards it’s only over 2 weeks since you started your thread about not being settled in NZ - you seem to have come a long way since then. Are you now accepting that you will stay in NZ and divorce your DH? You sound quite calm about that?

@Gutterton
My preference is still to go home - I have worked out what I need financially to do that, and I have a friend we can stay with while I sort stuff out. But the lawyer (actually a barrister specialising in Hague Convention cases) said I won't be able to go without DH's permission.
And even going home has problems - in our old house DD would have got into an outstanding secondary school in September with all her friends but now what? What will the job situation be like for me with Covid? Will the kids hate me? Will not having their beloved dad harm them? I can't explain any of the stuff that he has done to them.

I don't have the mental capacity for more emotional stuff so I am channelling my anger to work out practically how I can survive here if I have to. DH actually stands to lose a lot more financially if I stay, so I could use this for ammunition to leave. But to be honest, while he won't want to give me more than 50% if he doesn't have to, I don't think the money will really phase him as his parents have the means to bail him out.

I would caution on the trust - is it your husbands own trust, over which he has control, or is it his parent's trust and he is merely a discretionary beneficiary (if at all)? This could affect your ability to access the trust in divorce.

Parents like that dont share money. Money is drip fed at will through their lives in order to keep control and power. Your husband will know this and may be willing to make a deal in order to obtain a lump sum for himself now.

It is his parents’ trust with him and his brothers as beneficiary. I will have no access to the assets, but the lawyer said I may be able to claim for maintenance against the trust income.

This feels like such a betrayal.
The ONLY reason we came and the reason he used to justify the move to all our friends and my family, is that he was being ‘given’ half the business. It’s just not true.
He’s not even a director. His parents own 5% of shares each, 90% is in the trust.
If I can get back on my feet and survive financially, I don’t give a shit about the money - at least the kids will be looked after in the future so that’s one less worry. It’s the deceit and the in-laws use of this ‘carrot’ to get us here.
As the lawyer said, it will never make sense to take it out if the trust so I’m pretty sure this was the intention all along.

And I can’t even say anything because I look like a gold digger. But it’s not that. I’m here on the basis of a lie. And I guess it’s a ‘fact’ as well - black and white. I was told this and it’s not true. I’m so angry.
If I had known this in the UK it would have given me ammunition to stay.

he kept hanging up and then they all drove up to their beach house and he didn't pick up the phone to me for the next two weeks. Ignored every call and email

I’ve only read the first page but wow - this stood out - he sounds like a vile, controlling bully. If my dh did this it’d be over.

I’m so sorry you fell for his “move to his home country” plan. Sounds like he has you right where he wants you now. And using the kids to threaten you to not return to the uk. Wow. He’s horrible and you have been duped.

I really hope you leave him - no matter what country you live in.

Did his parents lie to him or did he lie to you? Maybe if you can prove he lied to you it may give help to your case .

@Peridot1 I'm not sure. He played innocent 'that's what (BIL) told me'. I wouldn't be surprised (and I'm sure no one who has read the thread would be) if all this was discussed and agreed in drunken conversations. I didn't realise until we had to get a mortgage that he didn't even have a contract for his actual job.

Even if they lied to him, he's a dick for not confirming details in writing.

Sounds like you have top legal advice - that’s the best place you can be in right now - so take comfort from that - lots of ground covered. Make your mental and physical health a priority now - learn about what you can do, and what you need to tolerate (for now) around menopause. I would also really get to understanding all about alcoholism from Al anon because that’s an important terrain you and your kids unfortunately will have to navigate - but if you are informed and supported they can avoid the worst fall out and harm to them.

You are a lot further along than you think,

I suggest that your MIL might well be involved behind the scenes pulling the strings emotionally and financially. I would imagine she would not let you take her DGC away from her DS. And these types (IME) will be delighted with a separation to get their golden boy back under their roof and back in their emotional sphere.

A bit of a sleepless night and a lot of thinking about the alcohol thing and how it’s actually a bigger part of our problems that I thought.

I know I shouldn’t be really be talking to him about anything that could blow up, but I’m already worried about his drinking tonight (Friday here) and last night told him that I think he’s an alcoholic. I was calm, gave him a couple of facts from Al Anon website. He replied ‘No, I’m just a binge drinker’. Al Anon say that is usually the response.

I also referenced what he did on Saturday night and he claims to not really remember anything he said. Again, another red flag.

For 13 years I have thought that my temper is to blame for any problems we might have. His constant go-to argument is ‘but you call me a c*nt and you say that you hate me’. With no acknowledgement of what happened leading up to me doing that because he can’t remember and it’s so subjective and hard to explain after the fact. But now I am starting to realise that this sort of argument, that happened every couple of weeks before I started avoiding him, built up resentment that spilled into the ‘normal’ bit of our life. I used to get anxious when he started getting ready to go out on a Friday and he always translated this as me not wanting him to go out. No, I was happy to have the house to myself, not have to cook on a Friday night, I didn’t like the result of his 7, 8, 9 hour benders. And his behaviour with some of his friends was worse than others and I would be worse on those nights.

On nights when I was drinking he would also blame my drinking. I’m a social drinker, I drink when I am happy, not sad, when I am with my friends, not alone, and I can take it or leave it - not having a drink for weeks is not unusual.

And of course now he is drinking in the house not out, everything is intensified. I can physically see how much he is drinking, he is loud and obnoxious, there is no escape.
I am 100% sure he would never hurt me physically though, it’s just not and never has been a thing.

But to counter all this, at home, Sunday-Thursday, we would sit on the sofa watching whatever Netflix series we were into, blanket over our knees with a pot of herbal tea.

Jekyll & Hyde

He also asked me to go to the beach house this weekend with the PILs and BIL. LOLs
Luckily lockdown means it’s not allowed so I’m saved until another day.