Just need to share - no solution

[Witchesandwizards]

I met my kiwi husband 13 years ago in London, I am 48, he is 42 and we have two children, 10 and 7. We moved to NZ October 2019 against my wishes, but my husband always wanted to come back.

It was always an understanding that at some point we would move to NZ but this was decided before children, before my parents became frail and it kept getting put off as we built a successful and comfortable life in London with a close network of friends. I hoped that this would mean we didn’t have to move. By the time he decided we should move, I didn’t want to, but my husband held me to a ‘promise’ I had made 12 years earlier, and despite a lot of arguments, we set the wheels in motion and moved 6 months ago.

Immediately I felt homesick and suddenly realised that I had taken my life for granted, but emotionally I still felt in control and we threw ourselves into finding a house. And when we moved into that house, I looked forward to our container arriving and then it was Christmas. I spent 4 months either expecting things to improve or busy with the holidays. I still cried, we still had arguments, but nothing could prepare me for how I felt when the kids went back to school.

At the start of February it hit me like a ton of bricks that I have left most of my family and all my friends, my career, the home we renovated together, the city I love and my country of birth. It dawned that the rest of my life could be unhappy, living in a place I hate and don’t belong. At almost 50, I don’t really have much chance of building a life that is as fulfilling as my old one - I feel bereft and trapped. The best way I can describe it is that it feels like I’m in a coma and someone is trying to turn off my life support and however hard I try to yell, I can’t make them understand that I’m alive. I feel trapped in a nightmare - I have lost all control over my life. It’s a horror movie. I can’t even look back at last year and all the planning and believe I actually came. It’s a blur. I don’t know how I got on the plane.
Everything I do reminds me of an occasion, place or person from home. Hundreds of times a day. Music makes me sad, photos make me sad, social media makes me sad. I’ve always been the sort of person who can compartmentalise my problems, and still get up every day and find something to enjoy, putting a face on through hard times and still functioning well at work and socially. But now I only function for the children and nothing brings me joy. I have deserted my parents when they need me most, I argue and fight with my husband in front of the children, I don’t earn a living and I am horrible to live with.

Consequently, we are having terrible marriage problems - I’m not playing ball and embracing life as he wants me to, and he says I am negative. He is the classic extrovert and I am a natural introvert but with extrovert ‘cover’ when needed - he thinks I should socialise more to get out of my rut, find a job (after a 24 year career in advertising, I can’t get work for logistical/childcare reasons, age and now probably recession), and is pissed off that I don’t want to hang out with his family all the time (I don’t particularly get on with them). In return I have been absolutely vile to live with, lashing out (not physically) because I blame and resent him for my situation. He is now talking about separation but has said I can’t take the children home so I would have to stay here with 50% access, spending half my time alone in a country I never wanted to live in. I don’t know if I love him, I can’t see the wood for the trees.
I know I am depressed, but what good are anti-depressants, I need a time machine.

If you got this far thank you! There is nothing anyone can do to help but writing it down maybe helped. Or maybe not. 3.30am and I'm done x

Oh god OP. While he’s away can you look for other evidence? Did he take his car? If not check in there. Go through his drawers his clothing? I’m sure others will have suggestions.

I’m pretty sure it’s the work thing.
He bought a wholesale box of them.

Haha

Urgh - how revolting! But as you say, that's a plausible explanation.

Did you find any financial papers while you were in there?

I didn’t think he would have done that and opportunities would have been very scarce without his family being complicit.

Nothing interesting financially.
Our finances are quite clean as we transferred all our money in one go via a foreign exchange service 6 months ago, I know what he earns and I look after the finance for the rental.
Now I know there’s no chance of access to the business, that’s pretty much it.

This morning when I pulled him up on the business situation he said that of course he wasn’t going to get given the business straight away, that it would take time and he would have to prove himself.

But that’s not what he told me, my family or our friends. He didn’t mention any conditions

I asked what those conditions are, what are the timings, is there a plan?
Of course there isn’t.
And my lawyer told me that it is highly unlikely anyone would take a business out of a trust once it is in as one of the reasons to do it is to protect it from creditors.
He doesn’t get that it’s the deceit that’s the issue. I am here and miserable based on untruths.

There are many questions that he needs to answer

It could be taken that his reluctance to answer them could be seen as deep down he knows things are not as bright and rosy as he makes out.

Are you sure that the weekends away are not his families answer to him asking awkward questions.
Deflect any awkward questions then get him to come away with them and shovel so much alcohol down his throat that he forgets that he needs some answers.

He needs to sober up.

I think he thinks life couldn’t be better and truly sees himself in charge of a million dollar company.... one day... and living in a 5 bedroom house with his wife and children and back with his family

In reality he works in a job in his parents company, his home life is balancing on the edge because his wife is miserable and is having to take pills to keep herself subdued enough to manage to live in a country she hates and is thinking seriously of divorce.
If there is a choice between his parents and his children then he chooses his parents. (His dc know they come second that is why they crave his attention). The parents most likely lied to him so he would come back to run a business for them so they could carry on their lifestyle without having to do anything and an extended family who can only function with alcohol

A bit like his dc craving the attention from their father he craves the attention from his parents and that only comes through alcohol and doing as he is told no questions asked.

I think a lot of people live in a fantasy of One Day that relies on other people playing their part and not looking at the reality of the situation they are in.

He won’t be asking any questions, especially on my behalf - he knows full well why the business is in a trust, not least because his brother’s marriage has been hanging by a thread for years. As well as the business and it’s premises, there are 3 other properties in the trust - plenty for the 3 brothers. His One Day is easy - he didn’t need to interrogate their offer - he knew they would look after him.

And yes, he thought he had the life of Riley until I became a spanner in the works. And I did try at first, I went through the motions for 4 months, but couldn’t keep it up. And instead of supporting me and trying to make it work he’s decided to reject me. To defend his family when I question exactly what he was told or when I criticise their drinking and the way his mum always bloody disagrees with me. I am the problem he must deal with, not them.

They FaceTimed the kids tonight from the beach house - all of them drunk and lairy at 6pm. I’m so weary about it all. Dreading lockdown and having to see them.

As a side note, I think he planted the condoms so I would find them and lose my shit. They are in the bag he used as hand luggage when we came over and he’s used it here - he wouldn’t have left them in that. And they are obvious - the only things in an empty bag. His work bag still has all his shit from home - the syringes, paperwork etc. Glad I realised in time.

Your power here is in not losing your shit and emotionally detaching from him and his antics in your head and your heart.

Not rising to the bait, not falling for being goaded - because he has it all set up so that all he has to do is yank your chain for you to fly into a rage - big win for him - makes you look like the crazy banshee to everyone, including your DCs - he gets a chuckle and an emotional release by the power he wields over you.

BUT

You now know his game - and you always win the war by attacking the strategy not flying headlong into battle after battle.

Don’t give him what he wants. You are not his whipping boy - his circus freak who he gets to prod and provoke for a reaction.

Don’t play his game. Drop the rope and turn your back. Slip quietly from his life.

The gold in your life is your bond with your DCs. Nourish this in the correct way and you will have everything and he will have nothing.

This one is an open goal.

I agree with PP that we enable and facilitate the “fun dad” stuff. That’s a real eye opener for me personally. But these dads aren’t so much “fun” when they have to do 50/50 - they are almost like the children’s entertainer that we employed for an hour at a Sat afternoon children party - we have done all the hard graft 99% so are tired and exhausted because we have picked up all his slack.

But a good sustainable relationship with children is not just what you do or say but how you make them “feel”. It’s about low level, every day consistent calmness, encouragement, listening, feeling safe, heard etc - emotional availability.

And he isn’t emotionally available. He isn’t even physically availability.

What “fun” Dad repeatedly abandons their DCs - because this is what he has done, emotionally and physically and they will feel that and be hurt and confused by that even if they don’t “know it” yet. Any bad behaviour / acting out by the DCs I would put down to living with an alcoholic parent, being abandoned by and alcoholic parent and living in a toxic alcoholic marriage.

He will also be casting you as the bogey man to them - he can point at your anxiety, preoccupied, frustration and rage - she is the bad one. Even though he incited it.

The money situation and your legal options seem relatively straightforward and you are on top of this. You are getting help for depression and menopause - but I would bet $$$$ that these symptoms will massively reduce once you have emotionally detached from him.

Look at your lifestyle and prioritise being calm, present, emotionally available, joyous, loving and fun with your DCs. Just little things, small gestures and moments throughout the day that ensures a calm and peaceful home for them.

Even if you have to fake it in front of them. It’s fine to hide and cry and scream at other times. Al anon will help you through this.

He also won’t want 50/50 - too much hard work - no fun at all.

Get yourself sorted first emotionally and physically because your DCs will need a stable supportive Mum if they have an alcoholic for a Dad.

Great advice from gutterton above. I have found the books ‘Listen so your kids will talk (and talk so your kids will listen)’ and ‘Siblings without rivalry’ both by Adele Fabre and Elaine Mazlish) invaluable in my parenting in terms of tuning in to my dcs and help g me to feel calm and available to them. In addition, in nz you can do a course called The incredible years which absolutely transforms families. You can do this by yourself or with your dh (if he will go) once lockdown ceases. It is once a week in the evenings and runs for 14 weeks. Aimed at parents of children 3-8 but if you can attend the techniques are beneficial to older kids as well. pb4l.tki.org.nz/Incredible-Years-Parent. I also find Larry cohens playful parenting site really good for strategies for connecting to my dcs and neutralising day to day conflict with them.

I haven’t read the full thread, sorry, just wanted to share my sil’s experience of emigrating. Her dh told her it was ‘a trial’ and they could come back if she didn’t like it. He had already decided they were staying and went full steam ahead to get citizenship. My sil was furious, but not strong enough to tell him to fuck off, despite not having sold their UK house. She fought against him for a couple of years but finally got used to it and now absolutely loves living there. She misses her family but loves the lifestyle.

To be fair, OP, your dh didn’t physically force you onto the plane and gave you fair warning that he wanted to go home. You can’t legally take your dc away (I know you don’t want to remove them from their df). I’m going to be a real bitch and say suck it up, you’re thee, you’re massively homesick after 6 months, anyone would be. We’re in a really weird lockdown situation but things will improve. Vent away on here but please, for your sake and that of your dc, try to make the best of It. No lawyer will grant you leave to return to the UK with the dc when you don’t want to take them away from their df anyway.

I feel for you hugely, I couldn’t make the leap even to a European country, you’ve done what your dh wanted, it could be fabulous if you just stick it out. I know it’s all very well for me to say this, you’re the one in the situation, not me, but it could work.

Thanks @Gutterton - more very wise words and good for thought.
And @Honsandrebels - this is what I need now. My parenting is facing challenges at a time when I need to be on my best form. It’s inevitable with the lockdown and my personal problems but I need to dig deep. If I wasn’t facing the DH problems, my goal would be far lower - keeping them alive would suffice right now!

On a slightly lighter tone, last night we watched 3 Men and a Little Lady, and both kids were begging me to get pregnant and have a little girl. Oh the irony, but bless them.

@shizzlestix
If you haven’t read the whole thing you might have missed the bit last week about DH telling me he doesn’t love me and he’s going to leave me to have fun. Kind of puts a bit of a different perspective on the ‘emigrating, homesick, no support network’ thing and is going to hamper my attempt to settle in.

Otherwise I do get it. He didn’t physically force me to come and 6 months is early days.

Yet he did tell me untruths to get me here, has not supported me since arriving, and continues to put his family and alcohol before myself and to some extent, the children.

Op the books are amazing, I felt really supported by the authors IYKWIM and reading the books was like doing a big breath out and feeling like there were strategies and tools available to help me AND my dcs. I tried stuff from day 1 and saw immediate effects. They could be a great support to you atm if the authors approach gels with you. I think when your emotional bucket is already brimming any self care/parenting support you can find that works for you is going to be invaluable. I am sure you are a great parent without any of this but when in a situation like yours finding the energy to be the parent you want to be can be so, so hard x

Shizzlestix We moved because of Dps job to about 2 hours outside of London.
No amount of sucking it up was ever going to make me like the place

Sucking it up is just settling for things you can’t change and can’t alter. It isn’t never going to make you truly happy.
You are just pushing everything down and painting on a face.

With your dc Witchesandwizards otoh I can see having alternate weekends and one night during the week is showing the courts that you are most definitely the primary carer but this leaves your dh as fun dad who’s children look forward to their small amount of time the have with their father and will end up with them putting him on a higher pedestal

OTOH if you go for 50/50 would his mask of fun dad slip.
Would he be able to cope with his children, getting them to school a few nights per week. Making sure their uniform/ homework/pe kit is ready, making sure they have a proper meal and get to school in the mornings
How long before the mask slips and dc can see him for what he is.

@oliversmumsarmy is right. I know I won't like it. It can probably improve (hard to get worse!), but NZ is not me, and I cannot be me in NZ. As I tried to explain to DH, he needs to acknowledge that, at the ripe old age of 49, I do know what I like and what I don't.

I think he would manage because he would be at his parents for the first two years and MIL would make sure it works. DH would also be able to finish work early for pick ups etc (everyone would feel sorry for him, poor single dad with stroppy English wife). They would miss my cooking, their stuff and play dates on his days.

@Honsandrebels I have emailed for course info (and recommended it to my best friend here who is worried about her DS at the moment) and downloaded the books onto my kindle x

Ps @Oliversmumsarmy I had Oliver’s Army going round my head all day yesterday because of you x

No chance he will want 50-50 unless he can palm them off to his mum.

@Witchesandwizards I just read the whole thread. I think you need to find and channel your anger.

He is an alcoholic who lied to you about the business to get you to move to NZ.

You need to find whatever evidence you need to demonstrate that he has coerced you and is a bad, shitty husband who expects you to do everything and is not present and able to care for your DC.

You aren't depressed, you're in a relationship with a wanker who systematically denies your emotional reality.

Don't play nice. Use whatever you can to get evidence that will let you take the children home. If not, use whatever you can to let you take the children to a new home in NZ that you can make your own, and whatever will stop him taking them to a beach house full of alcoholics every weekend.

I think you need to take a bit of narcissistic SIL's playbook here!

You aren't depressed, you're in a relationship with a wanker who systematically denies your emotional reality.

100% - and who is an alcoholic who got you to NZ to dump you - and immerse himself in his alcoholic oblivion / nirvana.

All of this unchecked will destroy your DCs emotionally - ask anyone who has an alcoholic parent. And don’t do 50/50 because then he ends up paying zero maintenance and your kids get to live in the polluted soup of an extended alcoholic family. You want the opposite of this for them.

The fun Dad has in reality significant limitations - it might make them happy for the few hours they are tearing around - but either side of that are is physical absence, moods and resentment when he has to do any wifework related to them and his emotional unavailability when drunk/hungover. This fun Dad is shallow, fragile, volatile, temporary, fleeting and transient - they will know and feel all of this and be wary.

You can give them so much more. You can do fun once you have offloaded this albatross and give yourself more emotional capacity.

That’s another big step you have made with the parenting books. Your head is 100% in the right place. I did the incredible years and it was amazing for my family - much better than just reading the book - watching the videos, being part of a group, doing “homework” over a 10 week period.

The alcoholic stuff is the biggest elephant in the room and imho is what will impact your DCs the most. This needs addressing whether you are in the UK, NZ or on the moon. This is what your DCs will be exposed to and emotionally injured by - he will not stop - so don’t even try - just get informed so that you and your DCs know what you are dealing with and you can protect them and minimise the damage as best you can.

Al Anon will help you through this.

Lovely to hear you having precious quality time with your DCs - is that because he is out of the house? Even when he returns don’t divert your limited emotional energy to him - keep it focused on your DCs. Detach from him, his goading, his alcoholism.

As well as the business and it’s premises, there are 3 other properties in the trust - plenty for the 3 brothers. His One Day is easy - he didn’t need to interrogate their offer - he knew they would look after him

But it is still “one day”

There is a huge chasm between what the parents have now and what in reality will be or who will be left in 10-20-30 years.

No one knows what is going to happen in life and banking on One Day no matter how many properties there are or how rosy the bank accounts and future looks today is a risky strategy.

Would your dh be still in for an inheritance whether he was working for the family business or not?

I could list many examples of how things change. How once profitable businesses go under and take the family members down with them, how people rely on outliving a relative but end up dying before them. Or how after 30 years of cruising during retirement and £1200 per week nursing home fees and a bad investment there isn’t anything left.

Today there are 3 properties and a successful business.
If it is run by a bunch of alcoholics how long before mistakes are made and it is slowly run into the ground.

If your husband is banking on an inheritance and a business when does he think it will happen. 5-10-20 years from now.

If it isn’t going to happen in the next 12 months then I think he is just living in hope.
What happens if the brothers do get hold of the business and 1or 2 of them decide they want the money out of it to start again elsewhere.

I get the impression your dh moved to the other side of the world so he could go drinking with his family.
Every other reason is just One Day.

One thing I would like to mention is atm this business supports 1 family and some workers.
How in the future is this business going to support 3 families?
We had friends who had this. It didn’t end well. Especially as the family homes were part of the business so when the business went under the houses went with them.

well why did you marry a kiwi in the first place?your concerns would be his if you moved back to london

Just about to start the dreaded hone schooling so I’ll answer the easy one first.

@guanciale Life looked very different 13 years ago when we met and he told me he wanted to go back in 2 years. I had only been in my job for a couple of years, mid 30s is a different kettle of fish for finding a new job than late 40s, we had no children and none of the community they help build, my parents were healthy, and it was pre Parkinson’s diagnosis for my dad. Two years would probably have been OK, but when it kept getting delayed and got to 13 years, everything has changed.