Just need to share - no solution

[Witchesandwizards]

I met my kiwi husband 13 years ago in London, I am 48, he is 42 and we have two children, 10 and 7. We moved to NZ October 2019 against my wishes, but my husband always wanted to come back.

It was always an understanding that at some point we would move to NZ but this was decided before children, before my parents became frail and it kept getting put off as we built a successful and comfortable life in London with a close network of friends. I hoped that this would mean we didn’t have to move. By the time he decided we should move, I didn’t want to, but my husband held me to a ‘promise’ I had made 12 years earlier, and despite a lot of arguments, we set the wheels in motion and moved 6 months ago.

Immediately I felt homesick and suddenly realised that I had taken my life for granted, but emotionally I still felt in control and we threw ourselves into finding a house. And when we moved into that house, I looked forward to our container arriving and then it was Christmas. I spent 4 months either expecting things to improve or busy with the holidays. I still cried, we still had arguments, but nothing could prepare me for how I felt when the kids went back to school.

At the start of February it hit me like a ton of bricks that I have left most of my family and all my friends, my career, the home we renovated together, the city I love and my country of birth. It dawned that the rest of my life could be unhappy, living in a place I hate and don’t belong. At almost 50, I don’t really have much chance of building a life that is as fulfilling as my old one - I feel bereft and trapped. The best way I can describe it is that it feels like I’m in a coma and someone is trying to turn off my life support and however hard I try to yell, I can’t make them understand that I’m alive. I feel trapped in a nightmare - I have lost all control over my life. It’s a horror movie. I can’t even look back at last year and all the planning and believe I actually came. It’s a blur. I don’t know how I got on the plane.
Everything I do reminds me of an occasion, place or person from home. Hundreds of times a day. Music makes me sad, photos make me sad, social media makes me sad. I’ve always been the sort of person who can compartmentalise my problems, and still get up every day and find something to enjoy, putting a face on through hard times and still functioning well at work and socially. But now I only function for the children and nothing brings me joy. I have deserted my parents when they need me most, I argue and fight with my husband in front of the children, I don’t earn a living and I am horrible to live with.

Consequently, we are having terrible marriage problems - I’m not playing ball and embracing life as he wants me to, and he says I am negative. He is the classic extrovert and I am a natural introvert but with extrovert ‘cover’ when needed - he thinks I should socialise more to get out of my rut, find a job (after a 24 year career in advertising, I can’t get work for logistical/childcare reasons, age and now probably recession), and is pissed off that I don’t want to hang out with his family all the time (I don’t particularly get on with them). In return I have been absolutely vile to live with, lashing out (not physically) because I blame and resent him for my situation. He is now talking about separation but has said I can’t take the children home so I would have to stay here with 50% access, spending half my time alone in a country I never wanted to live in. I don’t know if I love him, I can’t see the wood for the trees.
I know I am depressed, but what good are anti-depressants, I need a time machine.

If you got this far thank you! There is nothing anyone can do to help but writing it down maybe helped. Or maybe not. 3.30am and I'm done x

My heart breaks for you being so unhappy. To move country is a massive thing but to move with a partner who seemingly changes who he is once there is unimaginable.

Be kind to yourself. Take one day at a time. And try and find a little joy in each day, even if it’s just playing a game with the children for 5 mins as living in full time misery is awful and as you currently know x x

@ThumbWitchesAbroad
The borders. This has just about broken the last bit of me. If anything happens to him before I can see him again. But it kind of makes sense. To use my flights in July I would have to quarantine for 2 weeks upon arrival in the UK, see them for 2 weeks, then quarantine upon arrival back in NZ. Obviously I would do this, but no one would do this for a holiday so demand is going to be too low for it to be commercially viable to run flights

@Gutterton your post made me cry. It resonates so well with what I go through with him. Even the morning after - he just pushes the kids too far, winding them up, playing 'too hard', if that makes sense. They can tell now. Hangovers don't make him ill but they make him different. Larger than life. Too much. Insensitive.

@Star81 Thank you. I am trying hard. A five minute chat with a friend, baking a cake with the kids, dodgy '90s movie on Disney+ with them (although has anyone noticed how many are based on broken homes? Flubber, Mrs Doubtfire, The Parent Trap)

@Gutterton On ‘fun’ Saturdays DH doesn’t know his own strength/can’t read their emotions and is just as likely to make them cry as laugh. But he’s still obviously fun. While I’m a nag. Exhausting. X

You can change that dynamic though and you need to for yourself and your DCs. You don’t have to be the nag anymore. Let him spin off into oblivion. One day I consciously made a decision that my DCs and my neighbours would never hear my raised voice again or sense my ugly, angry, futile banshee moods.

So I emotionally detached in my head and in my heart. It was so easy. My aim every day was to stop, look and listen before reacting to anything - listen to my emotions, knowing I was triggered into rage and anger but I would not show it. Gently switch that energy inside of me into something different outside of me - so deep breath, walk away, pitying smile etc

But more importantly I recognised that my DCs were been emotionally neglected by DH in all of his emotionally distant states - and also emotionally hurt by my unavailability when I was in a raging banshee mood and the times either side when I was preoccupied and distracted.

So I realised that I need to change my game so that I could prioritise be present and attuned to my DCs emotional needs - because my emotional energy was finite and I couldn’t be in two emotional places at once and they deserved it, needed it and were deprived and deficient of it.

So my approach was to turn to them and give them a calm and peaceful parent, where their emotional needs front and centre and where kindness, respect, joy and hope are how we live.

And that was a very different experience to the hurtling around Dad - it was a slow and gentle pace - and a welcome refuge and counter from his nonsense approach.

My new approach was the difference between them being dragged along to a funfair at 8am to go on a rollercoaster to have enforced, exhausting, generic “fun” with him, versus mooching about at home with me, allowing the down time and safe space for the DCs to process any worries and discover and express their own unique interests which may or not have been the sports my DH was obsessed with.

My job was to sense, listen, soothe and encourage. You can’t do that if you are in full head lock battle with a passive aggressive / covert abuser, alcoholic or struggling with your own MH issues (which are likely exacerbated and escalated by being dysfunctionally engaged with the alcoholic, passive aggressive / covert abuser).

Really important to focus on your DCs - for their sakes directly - but also yourself indirectly - you don’t want to have to deal with behaviour issues and young adults with chronic MH issues.

Have a look at the Adult Children of Alcoholics website to see the long term emotional harm that being raised in an alcoholic family can cause (and this includes the inadvertent destructive actions of the non-alcoholic partner).

Your DH seems to have taken his “contained” alcoholism into a the toxic permissive soup of his family in NZ. Know that it is a progressive disease and it will rapidly escalate in this new facilitating environment, whilst his behaviour and relationships with his DCs and you rapidly deteriorates. I would save you all from any more of the inevitable heartache and destruction and get him out ASAP.

Oh lovely, I just want to give you the biggest hug - I know, I know. Even though your Dad can't have a conversation with you, at least you can tell him that he was a great Dad and he did a brilliant job - make sure he knows that what he gave you was so much better.

That is actually what I have started doing when he returned from his isolation 3 weeks ago, although I did it so I would not give him ammunition. I have stopped swearing, I have stopped shouting, I appear more chilled (ignoring the inner turmoil), I’ve stopped pulling him up on his messiness. And this is what stopped me reacting on Saturday and being able to see so clearly what he does in fights.

And similarly, I am very conscious that our neighbours must think I’m the protagonist because I’m the one who loses my shit while he smirks and goads. I’m desperate for them to know that I’m not a bad person, that I have the world on my shoulders.

I had a hard night tonight. Spoke to my parents and they are having a tough couple of days with isolation. Mum cried.
I am aware that the fallout of this will break their hearts.
It’s another thing that is adding to my worries (like I need any more!) but I have a brother who is in a 10 year, coercively controlling relationship with a narcissist. It’s as bonkers if not more, than my situation.
They met on eharmony, she faked a pregnancy so they married within 6 months (conveniently ‘miscarrying’ a few weeks before) and then she took over his life (and they never managed to have kids). He has no friends, she controls his phone, email, social media, she made him give up his job as a pilot to work for her business because she didn’t like him travelling, she wouldn’t let him see me for 6.5 years after a minor falling out and we only reconnected last summer. She has an obsession with my parents’ money. My parents, are frugal, sensible baby boomers, my dad has an interest in the stock market and they invested in a bit of property at the right time. Comfortable not loaded. SIL thinks she has a right to their money and as soon as lockdown started she made my brother call and ask for £15k to tide them over the next 3 months as they were in trouble. Mum sent the first £6k making it clear it was a loan and SIL returned it with a stream of vile messages basically saying that they are mean, tight, evil and should give the money as a gift. Torrents of vileness. And vileness on FB directed at my parents. My parents can now not get in contact with DB.
So I’m trying to support my parents emotionally through this as well.

It’s literally too much to handle.

@Gutterton Interestingly he has stopped the over enthusiastic dad thing here. He’s now doing the more classic ‘stay in bed til noon’ morning after. Which gives us the chance to make pancakes and hot chocolate then mooch around and I try and get them out of the house before he gets up.

I am very conscious of their mental health going forward - the toxic combination of depressed mum, and drunk weekend dad can’t be doing them any good so thank you for highlighting this and your coping mechanisms x

Can I just say that, more than I ever expected, this forum has been a lifeline. The kindness, practical help (you know who you are) and wisdom, has been overwhelming to the loneliest person in the world right now x

That’s really shocking about your DB - and horrific how she is now financially and emotionally abusing your elderly and ill parents. The only advice you can give them now is to emotionally and financially protect themselves. Don’t know if they could re-write their wills so that his inheritance goes into some trust that you manage for him? Not sure if that’s realistic?

However although he is being severely emotionally abused he is a grown competent adult - there by “choice”
and are no DCs involved. She is severely personality disordered - which will
continue to get worse over the years - until your DB hits his own breaking point. That’s the time that you will be ready to support him. You may have to wait. But is you have safeguarding concerns for him and also financial abuse, coercive control of your parents (malicious emails) maybe you can report these concerns and crimes to the police?

I can’t imagine the pressure you must feel. What a horrid situation.
Go first
Lawyer second
Hopefully the next flight home is one way

So sad and sorry for you and your family

Here’s where it gets tricky. My other DB is a very senior police officer, specialising amongst other things, in people trafficking, and has in/depth knowledge on coercion and control. So we know she is breaking the law, but it’s nigh on impossible to prosecute without DB1 coming forward, and he is so under her control that he won’t. Currently the status of this law is in a similar place to physical DV in the 70s and 80s. We will get there, but successful prosecutions are few and far between, especially when not combined with physical violence and where the male is the victim.

It’s particularly grating because her dad earned more than my dad ever did, but they were spenders and ended up in old age with nothing and my parents know that money given to DB previously went to them.

I haven’t stepped in before but this time I contacted her to ask her what she was playing at. One phrase stuck out ‘when their lack of spending impacts on us’

An example of her FB rant.

DB is the perfect victim for a narcissist. Clever, nerdy, skinny and spotty, bullied at school, then found his niche at Cambridge before joining the navy to fly and, reading between the lines, bullied there.
And as kind a person you could ever hope to meet.

Yes it’s the pure irrational “entitlement” that comes across with Narcs. They truly believe that they are entitled to what you have.

Along with their arrogance and delusion - and then the manipulation.

She’s furious that my parents are including the grandchildren in their will as she believes it should be divided equally between us siblings.
My parents have set up small trust funds for the kids for uni, and in all seriousness she said her dog should have one...

So many examples.

Fruit loop. But scary one.

You family need to take the power away from her. Normal rules don’t apply - maybe something uncomfortable for your DB in the short term - but in his best interest in the long term. Redirect it to an escape fund for him.

As soon a lockdown is over they are going to see their solicitor to work out a plan.

On a side note, I’ve been thinking about the alcohol thing and a I did a quick calculation of DH’s alcohol consumption on Saturday night and worked out that he had at least 40 units, the majority (the two bottles of wine) consumed between 9pm and midnight.
This is totally not normal, but I have been led to accept that this is normal for him, therefore it’s ok.
All his family do to entertain themselves is drink. And my kids might have to spend a couple of days a week with them

One (dubiously, and not for her) positive thing, is that one of his friend’s wives died after a long and sad battle with alcoholism in October, and their daughter recently spent time with my kids. She is very open and matter of fact about what happened (at only 9 she’s amazing) and afterwards DD 10, had a lot of questions so is now aware of the dangers of alcohol and started to open up to me, questioning the in-laws behaviour. How MIL’s breath always smells of wine, why do they drink every day?

But I don’t want this to even be a ‘thing’ in her life. It’s screwed up.

I mentioned it up thread, but please seek out Al Anon. It's a support group for the families of alcoholics. They can be a real source of support.

One of the main things to remember about being married/family to an addict:

You didn't cause this
You can't control this
You can't cure this

Your 'H' (not so 'D') will have to want to stop drinking himself. You can bully, cajole, threaten but if he doesn't want to stop drinking for himself nothing you do will make him.

I agree about Al Anon - and especially to guide you on how to deal with this in an age appropriate way with your DCs - it cant be brushed over, denied etc - needs addressing in the correct way - nothing worse than secrets and lies in a family,

I have found an Al Anon meeting within walking distance so as soon as lockdown ends I will be there.

He will never want to give up.
Alcohol is too much of him.
It’s too much of his family, and without it they have nothing.
Yet they scorn my SIL for being what they see as a ‘proper’ alcoholic.

It always takes two years to feel settled somewhere. Give it a chance. It is a big thing that you have done - it will get better with time

bem have you not rtft? OP's problems are more than just geography. Sorry OP. Also, yes 6 months is not a long time but the 2 year thing isn't some magical wand either - I spent 12 years abroad, got a job, spoke the language, faked it til I made it - well, to look at me you'd have thought it was okay - but it was a facade/charade. The OP needs to get her ducks in a row, sort out finances and custody/access, and get the hell out before she gets stuck there. Once the kids have settled, have friends, feel like kiwis and have school exams coming up she's screwed. As for Will people STOP telling OP to fucking take her children away?! earlier on upthread, her 'D'H started that one when saying she could live in NZ separately until they were 18 - they have lived in the UK longer, unless they would prefer to live with Fun Bobby, they'd be better off with their Mum by the sounds of it.

OP, he sounds like Lundy Bancroft's abuser type "The Water Torturer".

These ones express their rage through your rage.

You could try remaining calm when he starts up,
and eventually he will explode in open rage and you'll get better (more understandable and recognisable to outsiders) evidence of his domestic abuse.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1235958-Tactics-to-deal-with-a-Water-Torturer-please

@Witchesandwizards - I have read most of the thread, and really feel for you.

I'm American, and came over to the UK in the 90s after marrying my then husband. Even then, and not having children, found it really difficult to adapt. And the overwhelming family dynamic must make it even more difficult for you.

My grandparents in the USA, decided to retire where they were brought up, and have to say, it was not really a great move as their idea of what it would be like, was way way different to the reality. They imagined having family around on their terms, whereas it's more common to have family turn up randomly, which they found difficult. There were well established routines and the brothers, sisters, nephews and nieces, who always dropped everything to see them on their bi annual visits, had busy lives and other family commitments.

I wonder if your husband had the romantic idea of New Zealand, as he seems to have been determined to go back, almost irrationally so despite having friends in the UK.

Obviously his drinking is a massive red flag, and his nasty temper, but am wondering whether some aspect of the move, he actually regrets? Or do you think this was the plan all along - arrive in NZ and then he has you and the children on his home turf?

Glad you are getting proper legal advice though and making plans if needed.