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Original poster

I don’t want to kiss him any more.

112 replies

scarlettsmama · 10/04/2020 14:39

Hi there, I’m just looking for some advice. Quick bit of background, me and my partner have two children, aged 7 and 9. I got pregnant with dd on our second date (!) then ds unexpectedly not too long after.
Me and my partner are so very different as people, and although I love him in a way, I just am not in love with him any more. I don’t want to kiss him and haven’t actually snogged him in over a year. He tries to have sex with me most nights which I’m just not up for, when I move away from him in bed he turns over and huffs and sulks. I do give in sometimes but literally just to please him. He’s been at uni part time for 6 years now and has just committed to another 6 year long course while I work my arse off full time in the hope that we can one day afford to move house so our kids can have a bedroom each, he’s not interested in talking about this. We’ve not been out of the house in the eve together since August. When we argue he storms off and often goes and lays on the bed upstairs crying until I go and smooth things over.
The thing is that he thinks we are fine, he’s a good dad but we’ve just grown so far apart. I dread telling the kids and also have no idea how to go about telling him. It feels so cruel as he’s never done anything ‘wrong’ and I know his family are going to resent me, and my kids will be so upset but I just can’t do this forever.. should I start making a plan/ saving up where I can and play along for another year or shall I just tell him when this lockdown is over? I just don’t know what to do.. thanks everyone x x x

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 10/04/2020 14:44

what is he studying for 12 years ?

does he earn any income whatsoever ?

it sounds like you are not physically attracted to this man... and should ask him to leave OP Flowers

Mosseywossey · 10/04/2020 14:46

He sounds like a sex pest, man child and cock lodger. Should like you are exhausted and would be best getting rid!
Ducks in a row. Copy everything. Save in a secret fund. Do you rent? Or Mortgage? How long would you need to get a deposit

Original poster
scarlettsmama · 10/04/2020 14:51

Thanks guys, he’s been studying a part time degree in history just because that’s what he’s interested in, he’s about to do another similar degree course.. he is self employed and barely earns anything ( under the tax bracket) we rent but it’s so expensive round here that I worry where he would be able to afford, I could probably cover the rent in our current place on my own for at least a while.. if I saved up a bit. I just worry about upsetting the kids, especially as he’s quite openly emotional in front of them when we’ve had disagreements in the past, I can imagine him just taking to bed and making me explain to them what’s up with him..

OP posts:
Mosseywossey · 10/04/2020 14:57

How is he affording these courses????
Honestly don’t let him play the victim. Take a strong standpoint and don’t let him manipulate the narrative. My mother had a really similar marriage to my step dad, it was awful. His emotional outbursts made life hell. He would mope around and threaten suicide, it was really traumatic.
If he tries, not saying he will, please call police straight away and note down everything he does

Mosseywossey · 10/04/2020 14:59

Also don’t worry about him! Make sure you and the children are okay. He is an adult and can take care of himself.

Original poster
scarlettsmama · 10/04/2020 15:18

Thank you so much xx

OP posts:
gamerchick · 10/04/2020 15:24

There's nothing more unattractive than the eternal student OP. You don't need permission to get rid of the man child. He'll be ok, he'll probably find another surrogate mother to leech off. You'll have a chance of finding someone more equal in values.

Stop having sex if you don't want it. You owe nothing.

RandomMess · 10/04/2020 15:28

I take it you didn't agree to him doing another course?

You have the ick it's over!

No doubt he spends studying instead of doing a "fair" share of wifework to enable you to have equal leisure time?

pooopypants · 10/04/2020 15:28

So he's already spent 6 years studying, he intends to spend another 6 years studying, while you work and pay for the entire household beside a minimal financial input from him?

Cocklodger. Look it up.

Original poster
scarlettsmama · 10/04/2020 15:30

Thank you so much I haven’t wanted to talk to anyone else about it during this lock down thing as I’m always within earshot. It’s so good to hear some other views on this. I know he’s going to be upset and maintain that he hasn’t done anything wrong. I don’t even know if he will refuse to leave or whatever, I’m just worried my kids will suffer if he does go and suffer more if he’s sulking and he won’t go, they love him and when he’s on form with them he’s a great dad..

OP posts:
Original poster
scarlettsmama · 10/04/2020 15:31

@RandomMess yes I definitely do have the ick badly!!! X

OP posts:
Original poster
scarlettsmama · 10/04/2020 15:32

@RandomMess I defo didn’t agree to this next course..

OP posts:
wheresmymojo · 10/04/2020 15:35

I'm intrigued as to how he actually funds the degree course fees?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/04/2020 15:36

Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

You really do need to get this person out of your everyday lives now; what does he bring into your life?. He's the eternal student who is now looking at doing another 6 years of studying at your overall expense and or further knocking your own self out. And do not have sex with him if you do not want it.

Your children need to see a better relationship example; he does not care for them at all. I think your kids would be more upset to be honest if you decided to remain with him for what are really your own reasons. Is this really what you want to teach them about relationships, just what are they learning here?.

His tears towards you and the kids are manipulation 101 (its very underhand of him also to be this "upset" in front of them). Do not keep falling for it as you have done to date.

wheresmymojo · 10/04/2020 15:37

But yes, definitely a cocklodger. No-one needs to do anything 'wrong' for it to be okay to break-up.

You deserve to be happy and that's that.

But FYI spending 12 years doing courses that interest you as opposed to actually earning money to contribute properly to your family is 'wrong'.

Original poster
scarlettsmama · 10/04/2020 15:37

@wheresmymojo student loans company so far...

OP posts:
browzingss · 10/04/2020 15:38

He sounds useless and has no redeeming qualities

Fair enough, he was studying and had a low paid job but he shouldn’t be perpetually stuck in the same situation. He should have a desire to at least bring in minimum wage to support your children instead of 12 years of studying.

The fact that he’s childish, immature and a sex pest just makes me want to tell you to leave him

RandomMess · 10/04/2020 15:39

Do you get equal leisure time? I could his study as leisure time as it clearly is his hobby not anything towards a better career from what I can tell?

Original poster
scarlettsmama · 10/04/2020 15:39

@wheresmymojo I guess when he started the first one I thought it’d be ok, I’m so busy anyway and I didn’t stop to think how much it’d piss me off 6 years later.... yes you’re right but oh my god he does not see it that way at all....

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/04/2020 15:40

"I’m just worried my kids will suffer if he does go and suffer more if he’s sulking and he won’t go, they love him and when he’s on form with them he’s a great dad.."

You do realise that sulking is a form of emotional abuse. They and you will suffer more if you and he remain together.

What did you yourself learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did your dad treat your mother like shit too?.

And he is NOT a great dad to his children if he treats you, the mother of his children and in turn them like this. And he should be on form with them the whole bloody time, not turning it on and off like a tap. Some father he is; he is crap OP and you know it deep down too.

Mascotte · 10/04/2020 15:42

He sounds awful. Look up the benefits calculator thing to see what money you would get so that you could plan to get rid as soon as possible.

Original poster
scarlettsmama · 10/04/2020 15:42

@RandomMess no, I work Monday to Friday as a primary school teacher and he has a Saturday job so I get bugger all leisure time and he hates it when I go out with friends , he also says he’s ‘working’ when he’s at home all day with me and kids at work/ school and he’s studying..

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/04/2020 15:43

A loan too that will in all likelihood get written off because he will never have the means to repay it. And then he will apply for a third such loan....

I can see what he gets out of this relationship OP all too clearly (he has it made really), but you?. The only good thing to come out of your relationship at all with this man and particularly now is your two children.

DubiousGoals · 10/04/2020 15:44

I know he’s going to be upset and maintain that he hasn’t done anything wrong

This doesn't matter.

The only reason you need to leave him (or preferably ask him to leave) is that you don't want to be in a relationship with him any more.

RandomMess · 10/04/2020 15:45

He is choosing to study rather than having to run the house, you know it, he knows it.

What is his excuse reason for doing this next one?