I don’t want to kiss him any more.

[scarlettsmama]

Hi there, I’m just looking for some advice. Quick bit of background, me and my partner have two children, aged 7 and 9. I got pregnant with dd on our second date (!) then ds unexpectedly not too long after.
Me and my partner are so very different as people, and although I love him in a way, I just am not in love with him any more. I don’t want to kiss him and haven’t actually snogged him in over a year. He tries to have sex with me most nights which I’m just not up for, when I move away from him in bed he turns over and huffs and sulks. I do give in sometimes but literally just to please him. He’s been at uni part time for 6 years now and has just committed to another 6 year long course while I work my arse off full time in the hope that we can one day afford to move house so our kids can have a bedroom each, he’s not interested in talking about this. We’ve not been out of the house in the eve together since August. When we argue he storms off and often goes and lays on the bed upstairs crying until I go and smooth things over.
The thing is that he thinks we are fine, he’s a good dad but we’ve just grown so far apart. I dread telling the kids and also have no idea how to go about telling him. It feels so cruel as he’s never done anything ‘wrong’ and I know his family are going to resent me, and my kids will be so upset but I just can’t do this forever.. should I start making a plan/ saving up where I can and play along for another year or shall I just tell him when this lockdown is over? I just don’t know what to do.. thanks everyone x x x

adultchildren.org/

Really prioritise yourself. You were sold v short as a child and the best thing that you can do for your DC is work on your boundaries

I’m working on my boundaries but this morning he had a massive tantrum, kept on repeating that this is going to completely fucking destroy the kids, they’ll be damaged for life, everything is ruined etc.. I know he’s upset and the children will be upset but now I’m feeling guilty that I’m ruining their lives!!! 🤦‍♀️

No surprise. As predicted (and demonstrated to date) he can’t take any adult responsibility for the situation and is just pointing the finger in blame.

You need to hold strong. Don’t give him any info about your plans. Cut him off in midstream - you are not here to manage HIS selfish emotional meltdown. Don’t engage or entertain it. Be v firm with actions not words. No response, walk away, leave the house.

Calm and detached.

Your kids need this to be swift, clean and calm.

They will be much better off with a calm, peaceful and respectful home and a relaxed and happy DM.

@Gutterton
Such great advice, yet again.

Two darling daughters here, with a really wonderful father and husband as an example, yet I so wish this shit was taught in schools.

Say: If you can't be adult about this then you need to pack and leave now, because arguing around the kids will damage them. Rinse and repeat.

@Scarlymama
Great advice from @Gutterton

You need to focus your energy, time and attention on yourself and your children now.
It won't be easy, but it will get easier. This is not something that comes to us all easily. Some of us had to learn it the hard way through bad experiences, but when you do (as you have now) you'll soon spot the red flags early on in future.
Well done. Stay strong and positive 💐

Hello everyone- just an update on this situation which you so kindly advised me on- you were so helpful... he’s getting the keys to a flat tomorrow!!!! He’s got until 9th July to move out. I’m so happy and relieved that this is the final hurdle. However I’ve still not told the kids. We are thinking of telling them a week or so before he goes, so that they can help him set up their new bedroom at his place etc. I now spend most nights worrying about how this will affect them and how hard it’s going to be for them- but I know long term it’s for the best. Thanks again lovely people x x

@Scarlymama
It's good to hear that you've followed through on taking the necessary steps to a happier life. Just remember to not to ignore the red flags in future relationships. All the best x

Hi I’m in a bad relationship and I don’t know what to do every time I tell him to leave he won’t go I’m really in happy and I need some advice because it’s really starting to affect me x

Georgiee07 It'll be best to start your own thread

It feels so cruel as he’s never done anything ‘wrong’

The sulking and huffing etc if you don't shag him on demand is sexual coercion and is beyond wrong. You've felt you've had to have sex you don't want to placate him- that's awful. xxx

He leeches off you financially, and tries to control if you see your friends with his moods.

Estate agents etc are working I think, so you don't have to wait for anything to be lifted in order to kick him out or whatever. xxx

@Georgiee07 start a new thread, lovely, and ask your question there. You'll get some brilliant advice there.