I don’t want to kiss him any more.

[scarlettsmama]

Hi there, I’m just looking for some advice. Quick bit of background, me and my partner have two children, aged 7 and 9. I got pregnant with dd on our second date (!) then ds unexpectedly not too long after.
Me and my partner are so very different as people, and although I love him in a way, I just am not in love with him any more. I don’t want to kiss him and haven’t actually snogged him in over a year. He tries to have sex with me most nights which I’m just not up for, when I move away from him in bed he turns over and huffs and sulks. I do give in sometimes but literally just to please him. He’s been at uni part time for 6 years now and has just committed to another 6 year long course while I work my arse off full time in the hope that we can one day afford to move house so our kids can have a bedroom each, he’s not interested in talking about this. We’ve not been out of the house in the eve together since August. When we argue he storms off and often goes and lays on the bed upstairs crying until I go and smooth things over.
The thing is that he thinks we are fine, he’s a good dad but we’ve just grown so far apart. I dread telling the kids and also have no idea how to go about telling him. It feels so cruel as he’s never done anything ‘wrong’ and I know his family are going to resent me, and my kids will be so upset but I just can’t do this forever.. should I start making a plan/ saving up where I can and play along for another year or shall I just tell him when this lockdown is over? I just don’t know what to do.. thanks everyone x x x

He met you and then put his feet up.

Your DCs have been in full time school for at least 4 years and no doubt in pre-school before that. Do they go to your school? Do you do all the work of getting them out to school with you in the morning.

No wonder you don’t want to kiss this vile, lazy, sulky, cock lodging, sex pest, man-child.

Kick him to the kerb. Doesn’t have to be nasty - just we are not compatible - need to move on.

Don’t underestimate what the damage that your (valid) underlying contempt for him is doing to your kids. It is draining your finite emotional energy and sucking your joy. If you move on your DCs will have a happier Mum. You have no obligation or loyalty to him - he has none to you.

You say he hasn’t done anything wrong - I would say he has done loads wrong and hasn’t done anything right.

He hasn't done anything right OP.

A complete waster.

@creaturcomforts yes exactly this, it’s really worn me down. Whenever I get back from work and he’s picked the kids up from school but nothing has been done in the house ( sometimes he washes up but that’s about it) I say “what are you up to tomorrow?” And he says “same thing as today, same thing as you! Working!” When he’s actually just doing his essays for uni. He’s dead set on the fact that this is ‘work.’ Which in a way it is but I’m just so over the whole thing. This thread has helped me to see it from a new perspective so thanks everyone. I’m going to give it a few months, stock pile some money and look into the freedom programme then tell him. I still feel guilty about asking him to leave and worried that when I do, he won’t!

I did a full time degree while also job sharing a full time job. And did all my essays. And, by the way, it was a hard degree. 'Working' my arse.

And stop having guilt sex. That will be doing nothing for your mind either.

It's not work! It's voluntary study.

And I went to full time university when I was younger and still managed to work 30 hours a week.

He's got a family, he needs to do his 'studying' around a full time job. Like normal people do.

I don't know how you can even bear to look at him.

Turn it around and feel guilty if you stay.

You are only living a half life and his abuse of you and the low level bitterness you hold will continue to rise and seep deeper into the souls of your DCs as this will be their compromised “normal”. You all deserve some joy and certainty - which will never happen with him.

Do you want him to move out of your current rental? Or do you plan to find another rental and just move on without him.

Ideally I’d do this without uprooting the kids for now so he would move out, but I am worried that he won’t go when I ask him to.. 🤨 I agree Gutterton I’m definitely feeling exactly this..

@simplekindoflife @MrsTerryPratchett I know it can be done but he’s completely convinced that this degree and forthcoming PHD (!) are actual ‘work’ and if he gets funding for the PHD than that’ll be fine as that’s all he would need to live on. Which is probably fine for him but I just need a plan, want something to look forward to as a family etc- anyway to be honest now I’ve thought about it, even if he suddenly did start doing the housework and earning money I think I’d still want out.. I just need to hang in here for the next few months while this lockdown thing plays out..

you don't ASK him.. you TELL him pack his stuff.. an say FUCK OFF .. leave yer key then you change the locks pronto

even if he suddenly did start doing the housework and earning money I think I’d still want out..

You're done. And that's OK.

Even if he was hard-working, loving, not a sexist wanker who expect you to do everything, hot and kind, you'd STILL be allowed to leave if you want to. Relationships aren't compulsory! And sex really isn't.

You have rightly just lost respect for him. Well done! Plan, coldly, your next moves and please carry them out!

@MrsTerryPratchett thank you so much, that is so true and I needed to hear it x

There are soooo many issues with your relationship, so it doesn't matter if he has done anything that you can specifically point out as being something that he's done wrong. Even if someone is perfect we're still entitled to end relationships if we're over them anyway, but there are so many things that are wrong!

You don't want to kiss him and you have sex with him only because you're giving in. You might not realise it now but that can cause long term sexual trauma going forward. It's HORRIBLE to have sex with someone when you're not into it anymore. Don't do it to yourself anymore please!

When you don't give in he turns over and huffs and puffs, ugh!! What a turn off sexually but also towards him as a person...it just makes himself look pathetic and childish and wants to make sure you give in again in the future!

He doesn't want to discuss anything to do with planning for the future, buying houses etc. I do an online full time degree...and even though technically we're suppposed to do 39 hours a week, the work load is nowhere near close to that, so there's no way that he's spending that much time on his part time course and unable to help in any other way!

He storms off and goes off crying until you smooth things over? Oh my god!! He needs to get a grip. If he is genuinely that emotional and can't deal with arguments then that is his issue, he needs to go and learn some coping and communication skills so that he can handle arguments. This is not your issue.

It's not cruel to end it and you need to get that out of your head!

So what if his family resent you, they might not anyway, but even if you got on great with them after the split they could still turn on you after or if he meets someone else so that shouldn't even be a consideration.

You say the kids will be so upset, the thing is they might be upset during the adjustment period, but they adapt, they always do and they'll be perfectly happy :)

When I ended it my ex ran upstairs and blurted it out in an awful way to them and I didn't get a chance to handle it properly, so I do understand your concern about him getting emotional and leaving you to deal with it, but the thing is you can't control how he's going to act or respond or what he's going to say to the kids. That's not a good reason to stay.

Work out what you intend to say to the kids just in case he does run off crying trying to make you look like the bad guy.Have something ready to say just in case and you will feel a lot more calm about it.

If you're waiting until the lockdown is over would it be possible to have someone mind your kids on the day you plan to tell him, that way he won't be able to have a tantrum in front of them!

You can emotionally detach in your head.
Tell yourself you are done.
Fanaticise about your new life. It doesn’t have to be about materialistic stuff - but the pure gold of having a home free of tension, joy, peace, calm and certainty.

Sounds like you are v nearly there.

Once you have showed up your emotional motivation with positive stuff - start planning the logistics. Do this all online and have it all nailed down before you tell him.

Then just take actions.

You don’t owe any justifications or explanations. Because this is where the emotional abuse, circular arguments, pleading, feet dragging kicks in.

You don’t need any of this - you have done enough.

When does your rental contract come up for renewal? Can you put it all in your own name and he just has to leave?

@Gutterton @user1481840227 thanks so much for taking the time to reply to my post, it’s really helped me, I’m going to wait till lockdown is over then tell him. Playing along is hard but I have to save up etc.. x

Could you speak to the landlord and explain that you want to end the joint tenancy and start a sole tenancy on the same day? Then you can give one month notice to do that and at the end of that period he will have no right to occupy the property.
The children will be upset for a while. But it doesn't sound like he's all that as a dad anyway (he's a good dad when 'on form'?) and you can't sacrifice your life to avoid the children getting upset.

OP I am married to the eternal student who barely lifts a finger at home and its shit. He was halfheartedly looking for work since the beginning of the year. Just be grateful you don't have a mortgage with this man, we put ours in joint names but I solely pay it. We had been discussing separation before lockdown but now I'm stuck with him as I need him here for childcare (I work on call with random hours). I've seen a lawyer and he is entitled to half the equity in the house and half my pension. What's more, as he has no income he could technically get me to pay for a rental that he moves out into (I refuse to move me and the kids out of the house that I pay for!). If I could go back in time I would have still had kids with him but not married and put the house only in my name. Separating will mean years of debt for me and it feels so fucking unfair.

Sounds like your relationship is over. The problem isn't really his study it is the attitude to everything else.

But I don't understand why he would look to stretch a PhD out over so long if he is going to get funding. A full time PhD will be finished in 4 years and AHRC Stipends are around £15k per year tax free, so you would probably be in a better financial position. Not that it really matters.

I once knew a guy on a 12 year degree but he was studying dentistry then medicine to be a max fax surgeon. He's now earning vast sums of money. Your partner on the other hand is not on that career trajectory and is having an easy ride. Yep he's a man child. Get rid!

@MissGrizzlesniff that's so shit. Is there not anything you can do to argue he hasn't contributed towards the mortgage?

@Flower1309 yes probably, and I hope that my husband would not be unreasonable about the settlement, it's just the law starts from a point of a 50/50 split but I have paid for everything for a decade. I can see how that protects stay at home parents, but in our situation I paid for childcare so that my husband could study. He did bring in some income from a stipend for 3 years but now he won't 'lower himself' to take any old job. He has no motivation and is happy to pretty much do nothing all day while I work and do most of the housework. He will look after the children but that on it's own is not enough to sustain a relationship.

You need to get rid, you're obviously not happy. Your dc need to see happy contented Mum, not knackered pissed off Mum. You also need to set a good example and show them what a good relationship is, or that you can support yourself.

I'd love to spend 12 years studying something I'm passionate about, but I have two dc I need to provide for. I'd also not let my dh take full responsibility for this whilst I studied. He's seeing you as a cash cow, he gets to study his passion all day, not do anything 'housework' or 'child' work, no responsibility for providing as you do it all

@MissGrizzlesniff he sounds very similar to my partner, won’t ‘lower himself’ to take any old job and is happy to sit at home all day with stacks of dirty mugs and plates building up.. I’m so sorry that your situation is so tricky. I have found mine easier to manage now I’ve made up my mind totally..

When I did my degree I also worked 20-30 hours per week and kept the house spotless. He sounds like a lazy shit? Is it another undergrad degree or a masters?
Sounds like you have (rightly) checked out of the relationship because of his behaviour so you definitely need to make plans to split up or you’ll go insane living with him for the rest of your life.