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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I don’t want to kiss him any more.

112 replies

scarlettsmama · 10/04/2020 14:39

Hi there, I’m just looking for some advice. Quick bit of background, me and my partner have two children, aged 7 and 9. I got pregnant with dd on our second date (!) then ds unexpectedly not too long after.
Me and my partner are so very different as people, and although I love him in a way, I just am not in love with him any more. I don’t want to kiss him and haven’t actually snogged him in over a year. He tries to have sex with me most nights which I’m just not up for, when I move away from him in bed he turns over and huffs and sulks. I do give in sometimes but literally just to please him. He’s been at uni part time for 6 years now and has just committed to another 6 year long course while I work my arse off full time in the hope that we can one day afford to move house so our kids can have a bedroom each, he’s not interested in talking about this. We’ve not been out of the house in the eve together since August. When we argue he storms off and often goes and lays on the bed upstairs crying until I go and smooth things over.
The thing is that he thinks we are fine, he’s a good dad but we’ve just grown so far apart. I dread telling the kids and also have no idea how to go about telling him. It feels so cruel as he’s never done anything ‘wrong’ and I know his family are going to resent me, and my kids will be so upset but I just can’t do this forever.. should I start making a plan/ saving up where I can and play along for another year or shall I just tell him when this lockdown is over? I just don’t know what to do.. thanks everyone x x x

OP posts:
Daisy12Maisie · 12/04/2020 09:16

Thats awful that he is doing so little whilst you do so much. I dont want to work full time either. I would much rather be at home or doing something in genuinely interested in but its tough! He should be working to support his family. He absolutely has done something wrong.
I would start planning now or just tell him, let him kick off if necessary and call the police and report him for emotional abuse (which is what it is if he is sulking and manipulating you). I'm furious on your behalf

Scarlymama · 12/04/2020 17:15

Hi all, just wondered has anyone any experience of telling their partner to leave and them saying that they are taking the kids/ you have to leave the kids in the house and leave on your own? Just had a worry about this today...

CodenameVillanelle · 12/04/2020 18:17

Scarly it really depends on what the housing situation is and your marital status as well as who is main carer of the children.
Best start your own thread with all the info and you will get some great advice.

Gutterton · 12/04/2020 18:19

That’s why it is really important to do all of your research, get legal advice and have a poker face until everything is sorted before telling him.

I don’t know if he would have a claim on being the current main carer so to become the main resident parent and then claiming CM off you because he doesn’t work?

In all likelihood he doesn’t want the DCs but some people play this revenge game to frustrate their partner. He might well pull this stunt - so it might be better just to move on and out with your DCs - then he may effectively have to take you to court?

This is just an assumption from me - but a good call from you to consider this and why it is critical to get your ducks in a row before telling him anything.

I am sure that there are online legal resources that may help - there are separate legal matters and divorce sections on MN which might be worth a read through.

PurpleBlueAnemone · 12/04/2020 18:27

@Scarlymama you've had a name change I think.

Scarlymama · 12/04/2020 18:54

Thanks all, yes I tried to change my name to make it slightly more ambiguous as I got paranoid but then couldn’t think of anything much different that wasn’t taken! 😂 we rent, equally and the tenancy is in both names. We aren’t married. I’ve started a new thread on this. I’m scanning rightmove as we speak! Thanks so much again everyone you’ve helped me realise that I don’t HAVE to stay. X

BubblyBluePebbles · 12/04/2020 23:36

@Scarlymama
Hi all, just wondered has anyone any experience of telling their partner to leave and them saying that they are taking the kids/ you have to leave the kids in the house and leave on your own? Just had a worry about this today...

Change the locks whilst he's out and then tell him.
You're obviously the main carer and he definitely hasn't got your kids best interests at heart if he expects you to move out with or without the kids!

Also, I'm another one who embarked on a FT degree whilst working PT (inclu. weekends). At the time, I was a single parent of a 3yr old, so I also did all the childcare (outside of nursery & not much of a support network), housework and shopping. I also did additional temp work during the Summer holidays.

Years later, I have the opportunity for further study which would be paid for by my employer but I'm not even considering going down that route until my last two DC are in secondary school. I wouldn't do that to myself or my family right now. I work PT and I'm busy enough. It's not just about money, it's about being present, less stress and quality time with the family.

managedmis · 12/04/2020 23:39

Total waste of space

Doughnut100 · 15/04/2020 21:30

I agree about changing the locks and packing his bags for him. It sounds like a harsh thing to do but actually it tells you that the person being chucked out is impossible to deal with. My sister's abusive ex always had complained that his last girlfriend had done this to him and how awful she was. Then my sister realised what a controlling dangerous guy he was and she had to do almost the same thing, and it all made sense. If you can't see the discussion working out, take the decision out of his hands.

JKScot4 · 15/04/2020 21:41

JFW!’
I actually laughed out loud at the sheer fuckin cheek of this guy!
6 yrs studying part time and has a Saturday job?? Is he 16?
My DD is studying full time at uni and works 30+ hours a week and this prick has a wife and kids?
Get rid, he’s dragging you down.

CorianderLord · 15/04/2020 22:10

Why is he studying part-time but only working Saturdays? I worked more than that during my full-time degree. He could have an almost full time job and pass his degree in 3 years... he just doesn't want to. He wants to leech off you.

Plus it doesn't take all day every day to write essays... maybe 5 days of the month total.

noyoucannotcomein · 15/04/2020 22:37

Don't people generally study part time degrees because they work full time? That was certainly the point of the one I did.

What age is this third child, OP?

noyoucannotcomein · 15/04/2020 22:39

And what's the Saturday job? Related to the degree?

Scarlymama · 17/04/2020 09:31

Thanks so much everyone. Update: last night he tried to put his arm and leg over me in bed, I pushed him away and he said ‘why don’t you want me to touch you?’ So although I wanted to wait till after lockdown I had to tell him. We got out of bed and had a long conversation. He even agreed with some of it, despite tears and a bit of manipulation about his mental health during lockdown, how awful this will be for the kids etc. I ended up saying we should have counselling after lockdown but that this would be primarily to help us understand one another’s points of view and stay amicable. I now regret mentioning counselling as it might have given him false hope, but I feel overwhelming relief as I’m hoping lockdown will help him to process it and then when we do split he won’t be blindsided by the news and I don’t have to keep ‘playing along’ Like I have been doing. Also I have been imagining life with just me and my kids living here and it’s going to be good.. I know they’ll be very upset as they love him but I know I’m strong enough... yikes. Thanks so much everyone who had posted this has helped me so much xxxxxx

daisyjgrey · 17/04/2020 09:37

There's! nothing more unattractive than the eternal student

Ahhh yes. Nobody finds anyone with a doctorate attractive, what a terribly unattractive accolade Hmm

Weenurse · 17/04/2020 09:43

Well done

hellsbellsmelons · 17/04/2020 09:56

@daisyjgrey - that is working towards something and means a good job at the end of this.
12 years of study for OP's partner and he'll have no better prospects!!!!
12 fucking years and he contributes almost fuck all.
There is a massive difference and you know it!!!

strawberry2017 · 17/04/2020 10:10

Another one that's totally confused about why he's doing a part time course when he doesn't work?
I think you are doing the right thing getting rid. Marriage is supposed to be a supportive union and the fact he signs up for another course just assuming you will continue to support him is completely selfish.
He's only thinking of himself.

strawberry2017 · 17/04/2020 10:13

@hellsbellsmelons I agree with you. Who actually gives a fuck that someone can study for 12 years part time to get a doctorate at the end.
He doesn't work. Can you imagine getting his CV in front of you and it shows he's studies but has literally only had a Saturday job for 12 years!
He's hardly likely to walk in to an amazing job compared to other people with the same qualifications!

pinktophat · 17/04/2020 10:23

It'll be hard getting out of the whole thing but I can't tell you how great it is living with your kids on your own after a bad relationship. It is brilliant! You can manage everything to suit yourselves and you have so much more headspace now you don't have to waste time being annoyed with someone.
It would be ideal not to uproot the children but wherever you end up it will be your own space and your own future. This relationship sounds utterly draining and you will feel such a relief being free of it. I wish you every bit of luck.

Qgardens · 17/04/2020 10:34

It doesn't matter if he has hope. He knows it's on the cards so can mentally adjust.

SleepingStandingUp · 17/04/2020 10:52

@scarlettsmama student loans company so far... how has he got 2nd degree funding unless this 2nd one is science? Do you have shared finance? I'd check he's not planning on you paying for it.

Also part time study like OU is about 20 hours a week, so totally doable around a job. I do it around full time SAHM so I don't study before 8 pm in the week and not much more of a weekend.

Gutterton · 17/04/2020 11:04

You would be better placed using resources to have one to one counselling for you first.

It’s really important that you develop an understanding of the deficit in your boundaries to have let this get to this state.

You need to build yourself up b clearly - otherwise you will go into couples counselling with dangerous and risky levels of pity and over responsibility for him.

Focus on you and how you with support your DCs through this.

You will need every once of your finite emotional energy over the coming year - preserve it and direct it to you and your DCs.

Don’t let him drain you of this precious resource, don’t let him take it away from your DC who need it more than him.

He has caused the heartache that your DC will endure.

He has had his fill of your support and generously and he has exploited it and abused you and hurt your DCs.

This is his own emotional journey now - and it will be a better, more authentic, sustainable one (which in turn benefits your DCs) if he works through it all himself and has his own intrinsic motivation rather than you involved enabling and facilitating some false narrative. That’s what has been happening to date and it is dysfunctional.

You really need to work hard to understand why you feel the need to continue to support him through this - because it will be at the expense of your DCs emotional recovery.

He will manipulate and exploit. He will push boundaries. Look up the script. Sulk, beg, plead, blaming, shaming, threatening (suicide) - you have all this manipulative and punishing nonsense to come and you can allow yourself and your DCs to be whipped up in his psycho drama - and be emotionally harmed or you can emotionally detach and withdraw and resist any urges to help him and protect your DC from the fall out.

What was your childhood like? I see traits of over-responsibility and co-dependency which have laid you right open to this exploitation.

strawberry2017 · 17/04/2020 11:12

One thing you need to ask yourself honestly is, if you hadn't fallen pregnant on the second date would you have even still been with him?
You have clearly worked hard at making the relationship work but it's time to put you first. X

Scarlymama · 17/04/2020 12:51

Thank you @Gutterton and @pinktophat I really appreciate you guys taking the time to respond, my parents had terrible loud drunken rows a lot while I was a child and I used to try not to let my little brother hear them so I’m pretty sure this is why I feel responsible for others emotional states before my own. @Gutterton I know I’ve got the whole lot to come. He left the house at about 10 am today saying he was off for a walk. Usually if he did this I’d be going ‘are you ok?’ But I’ve not. Progress. I’m a bit worried about staying positive and strong this next week but at the centre of it all I know this is the right decision for me. Feels like a mountain to climb. @strawberry2017 no I know we wouldn’t! He had a few tantrums early on and I was so shocked by the pregnancy I felt that I needed him at the time. But was also put off by his behaviour.