Married 11yrs, 2 DC 10 and 8. To save on drip feeding DC 1 was a surprise when DH and I had not be dating long. DH was not my knight in shining armour, but we decided to make the best of it. I'm from a very religious background, so that had a bearing. Marriage has been good some of the time, middling some of the time and awful some of the time.
I earn about £60k working part time (70%), DH earns just under 10 x my salary and works mostly 12 hour days M-F. Since DC were born my career has taken a huge back seat. First I went part time and then I went freelance. My working pattern (which involves working evenings and weekends) made family life difficult because DH didn't know where the children clothes lived and couldn't manage beans on toast struggled to manage small DC alone. We outsource almost everything - cleaner 2 days a week, gardener to cut the grass and hedges, and nanny on the days I'm at work. DH doesn't want to spend his down time doing chores and doesn't want me doing that either . (Having said that since the lockdown we have split the cleaning 50:50 on a Saturday and cracked through it in a couple of hours.) DH is currently working form home(so not commuting 2 hours/day). This involves me trying to keep the children quiet, homeschooling, keeping the house going, going in to do my own job 3 days a week and trying to keep on top of all the additional coronavirus stuff that need to know for my job(which is in addition to the 3 days I have to be actually at work). I have NO time for the latter- in fact I've been really struggling for about 2 years to keep on top of my job at all. This morning we have just had another argument about how he almost never does anything I ask hime to do and that impacts my job as I don't have time to do any of the non client facing stuff at home. He says he values my job. I think he only values it if it doesn't impact his life in any way. Today it started because I'd asked him several times to do something (non essential, but the kids have been going on for days about having it fixed, and it will occupy their time in lockdown) in the garden. He hasn't done it. I did it yesterday evening and then was joking with him about how once again 'his' job becomes mine and he became really angry and says that he didn't have any time to do the job and where do I think he should find the time from(he was off sat, sun and Monday). My response was my usual "where do you think I find time from?" I have never had an answer from him for that question. He always blames his job - he's just too busy to do anything he doesn't want to do. Then he suggests (again) that he gives up work so I can work full time and he can do all the things I think he should be doing. Financially we could do this. BUT, there is no way DH could run a house. I'd end up working full time AND doing all the stuff I currently do plus a whole heap more as we couldn't afford paid help. Then he said 'most of the stuff doesn't need doing anyway'. So not only does he think my job isn't important, but nothing I do in the house is worth doing either. I am so fed up with this attitude. Anything he doesn't feel like doing or doesn't notice becomes my job.I'll ask him to do stuff and he'll say he is going to do it, but several weeks later it still isn't done, I've reminded him several times and I just end up doing it. He regularly tells me that my stuff is always lying around the house. When he says 'my' stuff he means anything that isn't directly his. So all the kids stuff is 'my' stuff - uniform, books, sports equipment etc...its all 'mine' to sort and put away , the large box of grass seed that arrived a week ago and is still sitting in the hallway whilst I hope that he might ask where it needs to go and move it....thats 'mine' because I ordered it, and I will use it to cover the bare patches of lawn where he has been playing football with DC, and in his world the patches don't need covering with grass anyway. I see the grass seed as 'family' stuff, therefore he has an equal responsibility to put it away (and use it, but he is never going to use it, so I'd settle for putting it away). The pile of stuff that sits on the table - mostly kids books/drawings is 'mine' and therefore he doesn't touch it. The hose pipe that lies in a heap across the patio - I think it actually annoys him, but not sufficiently to do anything about it, so the only time it will get rolled up is once I've ordered a hose reel and wound it on myself or drilled the wall mounted one we have to the wall. I'd love to do my job better, but the only time I have to myself is once the DC have gone to bed at 8pm, by which time just want to collapse in a heap, not start working.
Before all the LTBs pop up......
1.He does work long days.How much should he be doing around the house when he is out for 12 hours and usually logs in the evening for another 2...atm is saving 2 hours commuting daily, and I do appreciate that perhaps my expectation of what he should do whilst WFH is possibly deluded and unfair. Am I being too fussy expecting him to do things like put the grass seed away or facilitate the hose not lying all over the patio?
2.he puts the bins out 😂, puts the laundry away, clears up at least 2/3 of the stuff after dinner every night (i cook), helps with or independently does bedtimes most days, makes a mean Saturday brunch.
3.He sets up and maintains EVERYTHING techie in the house (we wouldn't even have a TV if it was down to me)
4.He plays a lot of football with DC......and can even manage to pump the football up when it goes flat (although couldn't find the pump last week....because its 'mine').
5.He would happily pay for a part time house keeper to pick up all the shit he can't be bothered to, and is more than happy for me to get people in to do any job.....but the emphasis is on me. I have to get the people in. He doesn't do it.
Now he is having the inevitable post argument passive aggressive silent sulk. We argue about this at least once a fortnight atm.
Thoughts MNers?