The sheer relief of realising it's over

[Thesheerrelief]

I've finally, finally after three years - being left when pregnant, tried again twice and now going through lockdown - realised I've done all I can. I've tried tried tried but I can't make it work on my own. It feels AMAZING. I feel so light.

My partner works away and would be with me and DS (2) for about two weeks after being away for four weeks. The last few times he's been home there have been a few ups and downs - he's always accusing me of having multiple affairs, trying to catch me out on things, refusing to go or do anything I want to do. This time he's been up for a day then hostile, cold and inventing things about me, then nice again for a while. Then it would be nice for a few hours and awful for maybe two days. On mother's day he screamed at me that he was going to spend lockdown elsewhere (his brother's) because I said that going to the shops wasn't a good idea, given the current restrictions and that we'd gotten food in two days previously and had everything we needed.

When we go out for our daily walk it has to be on his schedule. He smokes outside while I do everything to get DS ready, then comes in to hurry me up. I asked him not to snap at me and he decided I didn't want to leave the house until a certain time because I was "taking orders" from someone I was having an affair with and needed to be out at the right time to catch a glimpse of them. The next morning he sat in the bed and didn't move at all while I got myself and DS ready - he said this was so I couldn't accuse him of hurrying me and said we'd go out when I got my "orders".

I don't even like him anymore. The (increasingly shorter) periods of him being nice are ruined by knowing his awful moods are coming. I feel so relieved by knowing I've done enough. I've tried so hard and it's okay to give up now.

He usually tries to dump me by text every time he goes away to work. He gets drunk and accuses me of all sorts and insults me. He'll be going soon because his job is still permitted to be open right now and I'm just not going to talk him around this time. That's why I'm posting this - I need to get it out, to say I'm not doing this anymore and I'm changing it. It's the safest option rather than ending it before he goes, just pretending its his idea. He grabbed me by the neck at xmas when he was drunk because I was texting friends in front of him.

I'd definitely say enough is enough OP- I'd do it swiftly, safely and well planned-

Well done OP.

He sounds disgusting. Is the house rented?

Oh goodness op, definitely get rid and never look back

Thank you. I actually feel the relief coursing through me now that it's nearly over. The last few weeks have been particularly bad and something inside me has just switched off. He's very "proud" in his own head so won't argue with me at all when I don't try to talk him around this time.

House is rented in my name from a family member. I've been here 5 years

Fabulous. Get the locks changed, move all of his belongings into bags, and tell him to collect them from outside.

Oh, and install a ring doorbell or cctv in case he tries to get in.

Is he due to go away soon at all?
I’d be changing the locks and telling him to feck off, he sounds nuts!

That's a great idea about the doorbell. DS is only two and is very attached to him when he's here but adapts quickly again when he goes. He has said a few heartbreaking things lately like, "Daddy shout Mummy." It feels like I've been walking on eggshells for so long and been in an awful pattern of begging him to stay when he threatens me to leave. I had a very sad and lonely pregnancy after he left me so the emotional impact of that had me thinking that it would be terrible if he left me again. Now I can't wait for him to go.

Be very careful op. Domestic abuse statistics have shown that putting hands around the neck increases the risk of domestic homicide by sevenfold. My blood ran cold when I saw that.

The point of separation is the most dangerous time and abusive behaviour can seriously escalate when the abuser senses they are losing control.

How soon until he goes to his job? If he’s going anyway, is there somewhere you can go in the meantime?

He's going next week. Sometimes he turns on me by text 20 mins after he leaves, sometimes it's 5 hours and once it took three weeks. I remember that because it was the longest period of time he'd ever been nice to me.

I'm just going to play it safe until he goes. Act as normal, make him food to take with him etc. Then let it play out when he's gone.

Have you read about the police text service? Not too sure but think you register then can text if you can't ring....

Get the locks changed and never ever let him in again. Pack up his stuff and get family member to collect it from the doorstep. He sounds absolutely vile.

That's a great suggestion about the police text service, thank you. I don't use my phone when he's around. I'm careful to leave it where he can see it when I'm in the shower etc, because he really scared me at Christmas when he went crazy over it.

I've made the decision in my head and it feels so right. Previously I've thought, "This isn't working but I know he can be nice because he's nice sometimes." Now I just know it's wrong, it's all wrong and I don't want to do it anymore.

Can you look into report the Christmas incident to the police and applying for a non-molestation order?

There is a high risk of him really kicking off because of his paranoia.

I spoke to a lawyer previously when we weren't together about access arrangements for DS. I told her about a prior, much milder episode and she said, "Well you're obviously not scared of him. You let him back in the house so the police won't believe you're at risk." I might talk to the police directly when he goes this time.

I told her about a prior, much milder episode and she said, "Well you're obviously not scared of him. You let him back in the house so the police won't believe you're at risk

What a stupid thing to say. She obviously has no idea about how coercive control works. Ignore her.

Coercive control (and stalking and harassment) are criminal acts now. You should definitely get in touch with the police as soon as it’s safe for you to do so - if you have an opportunity to speak to them before he leaves, then take it - tell them you are in a relationship with a coercively controlling and violent partner and you wish to leave the relationship but are scared for your safety.

Please also give Women’s Aid a call.

I thought it was a stupid thing to say too but I'd run out of fight and energy at that point. It's taken me a long time to get to the stage when I'm not frantically panicking about him leaving me. I've spoken to Women's Aid twice in the past and I'll call them again

Stay safe and let us know you’re okay.

He's a loony. He's also projecting i.e. that's what he would do or has done with regard to you having to take orders from a non existant affair partner.

Is he bi polar or having a psychotic episode or a full scale mental breakdown ?

None of this matters, you are not his doctor or a psychiatrist.

Make the house safe for you and your child.

I do honestly think there are some underlying psychiatric issues at play. He genuinely seems to believe what he's accusing me of - not like a way to wind me up or distress me (which it does), but a genuine belief that he's right and he's uncovered my secret life; which only exists in his head. I have suggested he talk to a doctor and get a referral or some guidance or support, but he was having none of it. He's also said things like he's heard I'm not a trustworthy person but he already knew this. It seems real to him when it couldn't be further from the truth.

Terrifying to read your post, OP. I'm so glad that you're going to end this nightmare - and relieved that you're going to do it in a safe way. I agree with PP, get in place any arrangements with the police/Womens' Aid - and let your family support you. I think you'll probably find that this won't be a surprise to them, even if he does put on a good act.

Well done, not long to go and dream of changing those locks until he's gone - then make it a reality, first job!

Honestly truly I think he will try and attack you once her realises you don't want him back and have changed the lock etc. I would also apply for a residency order for your DS.

I would not be permitting contact until he has had some sort of MH assessment.

It's really eye opening to read your responses because this has become normal to me. I hid a self test for thrush because it would lead to all kinds of accusations. I replaced a bottle of gin when he was away so the same level was gone from the bottle. I rarely drink but one a week does make the bottle look different. He also tells me that lots of his comments are jokes. He made the comment about the orders three times and accused me of being a puppet, so that was no joke. I did start to wonder if it were just me and if I were reading too much into things.