I've finally, finally after three years - being left when pregnant, tried again twice and now going through lockdown - realised I've done all I can. I've tried tried tried but I can't make it work on my own. It feels AMAZING. I feel so light.
My partner works away and would be with me and DS (2) for about two weeks after being away for four weeks. The last few times he's been home there have been a few ups and downs - he's always accusing me of having multiple affairs, trying to catch me out on things, refusing to go or do anything I want to do. This time he's been up for a day then hostile, cold and inventing things about me, then nice again for a while. Then it would be nice for a few hours and awful for maybe two days. On mother's day he screamed at me that he was going to spend lockdown elsewhere (his brother's) because I said that going to the shops wasn't a good idea, given the current restrictions and that we'd gotten food in two days previously and had everything we needed.
When we go out for our daily walk it has to be on his schedule. He smokes outside while I do everything to get DS ready, then comes in to hurry me up. I asked him not to snap at me and he decided I didn't want to leave the house until a certain time because I was "taking orders" from someone I was having an affair with and needed to be out at the right time to catch a glimpse of them. The next morning he sat in the bed and didn't move at all while I got myself and DS ready - he said this was so I couldn't accuse him of hurrying me and said we'd go out when I got my "orders".
I don't even like him anymore. The (increasingly shorter) periods of him being nice are ruined by knowing his awful moods are coming. I feel so relieved by knowing I've done enough. I've tried so hard and it's okay to give up now.
He usually tries to dump me by text every time he goes away to work. He gets drunk and accuses me of all sorts and insults me. He'll be going soon because his job is still permitted to be open right now and I'm just not going to talk him around this time. That's why I'm posting this - I need to get it out, to say I'm not doing this anymore and I'm changing it. It's the safest option rather than ending it before he goes, just pretending its his idea. He grabbed me by the neck at xmas when he was drunk because I was texting friends in front of him.