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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The sheer relief of realising it's over

157 replies

Thesheerrelief · 05/04/2020 20:49

I've finally, finally after three years - being left when pregnant, tried again twice and now going through lockdown - realised I've done all I can. I've tried tried tried but I can't make it work on my own. It feels AMAZING. I feel so light.

My partner works away and would be with me and DS (2) for about two weeks after being away for four weeks. The last few times he's been home there have been a few ups and downs - he's always accusing me of having multiple affairs, trying to catch me out on things, refusing to go or do anything I want to do. This time he's been up for a day then hostile, cold and inventing things about me, then nice again for a while. Then it would be nice for a few hours and awful for maybe two days. On mother's day he screamed at me that he was going to spend lockdown elsewhere (his brother's) because I said that going to the shops wasn't a good idea, given the current restrictions and that we'd gotten food in two days previously and had everything we needed.

When we go out for our daily walk it has to be on his schedule. He smokes outside while I do everything to get DS ready, then comes in to hurry me up. I asked him not to snap at me and he decided I didn't want to leave the house until a certain time because I was "taking orders" from someone I was having an affair with and needed to be out at the right time to catch a glimpse of them. The next morning he sat in the bed and didn't move at all while I got myself and DS ready - he said this was so I couldn't accuse him of hurrying me and said we'd go out when I got my "orders".

I don't even like him anymore. The (increasingly shorter) periods of him being nice are ruined by knowing his awful moods are coming. I feel so relieved by knowing I've done enough. I've tried so hard and it's okay to give up now.

He usually tries to dump me by text every time he goes away to work. He gets drunk and accuses me of all sorts and insults me. He'll be going soon because his job is still permitted to be open right now and I'm just not going to talk him around this time. That's why I'm posting this - I need to get it out, to say I'm not doing this anymore and I'm changing it. It's the safest option rather than ending it before he goes, just pretending its his idea. He grabbed me by the neck at xmas when he was drunk because I was texting friends in front of him.

OP posts:
Starface · 05/04/2020 22:41

Pathological jealousy and delusional disorder are both psychiatric diagnoses that might apply here. But really whether he meets criteria for a diagnosis or not is pretty irrelevant right now. He sounds outright dangerous already, and depending on exactly what he believes could well become more dangerous now and after you separate.

Definitely womens aid, police, ask for all the DV support they have. Don't underestimate this at all. Keep yourself and your child safe. Be very careful until he is gone and be very careful after. Listen to advice and do not underestimate or minimise the risk he poses.

Aknifewith16blades · 05/04/2020 23:12

OP, please talk to Women's aid, make sure you do this as safely as you can. The past attacks, the jealousy all sound very concerning.

Original poster
Thesheerrelief · 06/04/2020 07:15

Thank you everyone for your responses. It's helped me to see that I'm definitely doing the right thing. He likes to make out that he's only with me because I wanted him to be and that he's going to do "his own thing" so pride will hopefully make him just walk away. I am very very alert to the possibility of violence though - some nights I make sure I don't go to sleep until I can tell he's nodded off - so I won't drop my guard now.

OP posts:
copycopypaste · 06/04/2020 07:20

He's abusive op, I lived like you got 10 years and it wasn't until I left I realised just how bad it was. Even now 20 odd years later, something may pop up in my head and I think 'yes, that was abusive' I'd never realised before. I remember I once lied to save an argument (a little like you and your thrush test) and I had to lie to dig my way out of the other lie, it was nothing serious either, it was because he was constantly paranoid. He'd record my mileage, quiz me over phone bills, etc etc, it was horrid.

Keep your tinder dry for now. Don't rock the boat, but as soon as he's left, change the locks, bag his stuff up and contact 101, tell them what's been happening and what you've done, they will put your house in record so if he does kick off when he's back, they will know and respond accordingly.

Good luck and well done for seeing the light.

Veterinari · 06/04/2020 07:22

Stay safe OP - you sound incredibly strong and this is absolutely the right thing.

Your husband is an abusive arsehole. Make sure you plan - get legal advice, copies of income, statements, birth certificates passports etc. You should also file a domestic violence report. It's almost inevitable that your ex will get nasty and evidence of abuse will be helpful when it comes to protecting you and your DS after you split. Keep screenshots of messages take photos of bruising etc.
Change the locks after he goes
He sounds dangerous

TwilightPeace · 06/04/2020 07:22

He sounds really dangerous Op.
You’ve had good advice on here, definitely let the police know what’s going on.

I’m pleased for you that you’ve broken out of the cycle of abuse and can see him for what he is now. You’ll be so much happier without him.
You just need to be careful and get through this next step and then you will have your freedom.

copycopypaste · 06/04/2020 07:22

Also, you need to steel yourself against tears, begging, suicide threats, family members begging on his behalf, flowers. I had this and he was a very proud man too, I stupidly went back, but he was up to his old tricks in less than 2 weeks Hmm

Buggedandconfused · 06/04/2020 07:25

OP, I am proud of your strength - I went back to my abusive ex three times and nothing ever changed. I wish I’d been as strong as you are being. Well done and🌺

Original poster
Thesheerrelief · 06/04/2020 07:37

It's like my eyes have been opened. He left me twice in early pregnancy and I didn't see him again until after DS was born. Then he blew hot and cold for ages. I'm only strong now because my view of him has completely changed. I went for counselling all through pregnancy and used to wake up crying from dreaming about him. I'm so glad to be free from that now.

OP posts:
Buggedandconfused · 06/04/2020 08:14

It’s such a relief isn’t it!! The feeling of freedom is amazing.

Have you read ‘Why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft? It’s amazing. It’ll strengthen your resolve.

Original poster
Thesheerrelief · 06/04/2020 08:17

I've read the descriptions of the abusers on here but haven't read the full thing. I'll do that.

OP posts:
TigerDater · 06/04/2020 08:32

Well done OP, your calm resolve and joy are heart-warming to read. You can and will do this. Best wishes for the next week until he goes

Original poster
Thesheerrelief · 06/04/2020 08:48

Calm is exactly the right word for it. No mere panicking and trying to please someone who is impossible to please. No more waiting to shower at the 'right' time - funnily he can shower when he wants but my showers delay him.

OP posts:
Weenurse · 07/04/2020 01:04

Keep to the plan

KatherineJaneway · 07/04/2020 05:45

Stay strong Flowers

Original poster
Thesheerrelief · 07/04/2020 14:26

Thanks everyone. He goes on Thursday. Usually turns on me fairly quickly after he leaves and my brain starts to go, "Maybe I overreacted, maybe I'm too sensitive, maybe if I try harder."

It feels different this time though. I'm not thinking about the potential of when he's nice to me, just that he isn't actually nice to me.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 07/04/2020 14:47

But you won't this time, Thesheerrelief, will you? Because you know that you haven't overreacted, you're not too sensitive and trying harder will make not a whit of difference except give him the 'green light' to ramp it up.

It feels different this time because it IS different and YOU'RE different. You're planning your life without him and it's going to be great. It may not feel like that immediately but that's the trajectory once he's gone for good. You've done it all... just the physical jettison and you're home free. So pleased for you. StarBrew

Original poster
Thesheerrelief · 07/04/2020 15:01

Yes, I'm definitely different this time. I'm sure it won't be plain sailing all the way but I now know for sure that this isn't working, it hasn't worked and I've been living on my nerves.

It's better to be free and a bit lonely at times as I adjust than carry on like this.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 07/04/2020 16:06

You sounded pretty lonely in your first post, Thesheerrelief, being alone doesn't mean that you'll be lonely. I think the euphoric feeling you'll have of being free and not under the spell of an abuser will carry you far... or quite far, by which time you'll be building your life and making it what you and you alone, would want it to be.

It's natural to be fearful. Face the fear and do it anyway. That's the advice I was given and it was so true. Your life is thataway --> now, into your future. :)

Original poster
Thesheerrelief · 07/04/2020 17:52

Yes, you're right. Being lonely in a relationship is tougher in many ways than being lonely by yourself. Alone can be very peaceful. I've been in a previous long-term relationship with a man who was very moody (not to this extreme) and I was very lonely in the last couple of years. I know I have work to do on myself after I get through this to see why I keep choosing relationships like this.

OP posts:
lilmishap · 07/04/2020 18:03

Is he married or something? It doesn't matter either way so long as he's not your pain in the arse to deal with anymore. But a lot of jealous paranoid men wouldn't be able to cope with not being there for weeks at a time without making excuses to come back and check up on what your doing or springing a surprise visit.

Enjoy the feeling you've got though, it is like a gift to yourself!

lilmishap · 07/04/2020 18:08

Get a different solicitor though. One that is a bit more human understanding that doing what the scary man wants so you don't get hurt is very fucking normal

Original poster
Thesheerrelief · 07/04/2020 18:37

He works in a different location- think oilrigs or similar - so he's not physically able to get here. I'm pretty sure one of his friends drives by to check there are no strange cars outside because he said once that he'd better not hear that we had anyone round without him knowing

Yes, definitely a different solicitor!

OP posts:
Original poster
Thesheerrelief · 07/04/2020 18:47

I've had a couple of surprise visits in the past when he'd travelled back early but didn't tell me

OP posts:
Original poster
Thesheerrelief · 07/04/2020 21:01

I'm going to have to act like normal until he goes, including having sex with him. Really really really don't want to but it'll really make him paranoid if I don't.

OP posts: