The sheer relief of realising it's over

[Thesheerrelief]

I've finally, finally after three years - being left when pregnant, tried again twice and now going through lockdown - realised I've done all I can. I've tried tried tried but I can't make it work on my own. It feels AMAZING. I feel so light.

My partner works away and would be with me and DS (2) for about two weeks after being away for four weeks. The last few times he's been home there have been a few ups and downs - he's always accusing me of having multiple affairs, trying to catch me out on things, refusing to go or do anything I want to do. This time he's been up for a day then hostile, cold and inventing things about me, then nice again for a while. Then it would be nice for a few hours and awful for maybe two days. On mother's day he screamed at me that he was going to spend lockdown elsewhere (his brother's) because I said that going to the shops wasn't a good idea, given the current restrictions and that we'd gotten food in two days previously and had everything we needed.

When we go out for our daily walk it has to be on his schedule. He smokes outside while I do everything to get DS ready, then comes in to hurry me up. I asked him not to snap at me and he decided I didn't want to leave the house until a certain time because I was "taking orders" from someone I was having an affair with and needed to be out at the right time to catch a glimpse of them. The next morning he sat in the bed and didn't move at all while I got myself and DS ready - he said this was so I couldn't accuse him of hurrying me and said we'd go out when I got my "orders".

I don't even like him anymore. The (increasingly shorter) periods of him being nice are ruined by knowing his awful moods are coming. I feel so relieved by knowing I've done enough. I've tried so hard and it's okay to give up now.

He usually tries to dump me by text every time he goes away to work. He gets drunk and accuses me of all sorts and insults me. He'll be going soon because his job is still permitted to be open right now and I'm just not going to talk him around this time. That's why I'm posting this - I need to get it out, to say I'm not doing this anymore and I'm changing it. It's the safest option rather than ending it before he goes, just pretending its his idea. He grabbed me by the neck at xmas when he was drunk because I was texting friends in front of him.

What a nightmare OP.
I hope you got some support for your termination.
And I really hope he buggers off for work soon!
for you!!!

My DH also suffers from paranoia OP. If I am doing something he doesn't approve of or is away from him (even if I go out to the store and don't mention it until after, or if ExH is too long dropping the kids off between our whatsapp messages) he accuses me of fucking Ex or someone else.

following your post, perhaps it will help me with my situation.

Hey. Just to say I'm thinking about you. Wondering how you are x

Hope you’re ok OP. Update us if you can

Thank you for checking in on me. That's really kind.

I've had the termination so I'm just going to post a TRIGGER WARNING here because I wouldn't like this to upset anyone.

Physically, it was okay, probably because it was so early on. Two sets of tablets, 24 hours apart. The clinic said to make sure I had someone with me all day after taking the second lot of tablets, because every woman reacts differently and some may need medical attention. My partner was charm itself until 2 hours after I took the second tablets, so I was still waiting for things to happen. He decided he had a very bad sore throat that required antibiotics immediately and wanted to drive to his brother's house 20 mins away to collect some that he had left over. I asked him to stay put and he screamed at me to get over myself. He didn't go out but tucked himself up on the couch with a blanket by the rest of the day while I dealt with DS. I spent a few hours in bed when I had pain and bleeding and just put cartoons on for DS. Two days after I wasn't feeling up to going for a strenuous walk and he told me I'd just passed something the size of a pea and should be fine.

Since then he's been up and down as usual. Said to me one day that he can't see how anyone could stay with me, when we disagreed about something we saw on Netflix. I said that if he really can't see the good in me then he knows where the door is.

Things are still up and down with his work, too. Due to leave on Saturday, finally. Today he's ignoring me because I was on my phone yesterday and he's looking at me and just bursting out laughing and shaking his head. I don't rise to it anymore.

@StrangeGuitar it's a hard way to live, having to account for your every move and make sure you don't forget to mention anything. It's draining and depressing. I can't believe I spent so long crying over this man and wishing he'd come back to me. They don't change, so if you find a way out then take it.

Thanks for the update. He really sounds like a shit. Can you not throw him out?
Good luck.

He's a very confrontational person and it would set the tone for future dealings to do with DS. If he ends it as he usual does and I go along with it instead of convincing him we're good together (can't believe I did this) then it's 'his' decision and it's like I'm just going along with it. I know it must seem like a massive cop out but I honestly feel this is the safest way out.

He tucked himself up on the couch while you had to go through physical and emotional pain plus had to look after your DS.
He really does take first prize for being a hell of a cruel bastard.
I can see why you're biding your time until it's safe to put your leaving plan into action.
This is one of the most chilling threads i have come across on MN. Be very careful that he doesn't see this thread because he really is unhinged.

He was nice until I'd taken the second tablets to make sure I went through with it. It was my own decision and it was the right one for me, but he was keen to make sure I did it. I kept DS in bed with me watching cartoons until the worst had passed.

Today my partner is pretending he doesn't hear me when I talk and came into the room where I was playing with DS and took him away, saying they'd give "mummy time to do what she wants." The implication being that I'm up to no good somehow. Apparently I also need to get my vibrator out to 'rattle myself' into relaxing. This was also mentioned during the abortion.

It's windy today so we haven't been marched out for our walk. I'm still in my pyjamas because I've been folding laundry and doing housework. This is not acceptable. Lots of looking at the clock and sighing

How are you OP? Is he gone yet?

Yes, he's gone and it all kicked off after he left. He saw on a video call with DS that I was changing the duvet and that turned into me changing it because I'd cheated and "come all over it." I got upset, DS was upset because his dad hung up twice. It was a disaster. I told him that I'd had enough and that if I can't even change sheets without things turning nasty then I'm done. He subsequently dumped me in a text conversation and i went along with that. Apparently I'm a witch for not seeing the comments about the sheets as a joke and it was my fault DS got upset.

I'm tired and upset. I'm glad it's over but i don't feel the relief yet that i thought i would.

He's talking shit of course.

You might feel deflated and upset after how he acted, but I'm sure you'll eventually feel relieved.

You could try doing something tomorrow he would've frowned on x

I haven't slept properly since I met him so I'm looking forward to that. At the moment I'm not sleeping well but that will pass. I had a read back over this thread to remind myself of how shit just this last month has been, never mind the last three years. I can't believe I put myself through that.

Maybe I'll buy new sheets and change them as often as I like! Also certain food he'd mock me for eating. Nothing interesting, but he'd put me down for liking sweet potato for example. Seemingly that was a big flaw in my personality!

Start doing these things now OP. Buy yourself some new sheets, get some sweet potatoes and enjoy them

Write down as many of these things as you remember them and then make sure to read them back if you weaken.
Well done

Thank goodness he’s gone. What happens now? How long is he supposed to be away for? Surely he’ll try to patch things up with you when it gets close to the time for him to come back. Will he be expecting to come back?

Oh OP, I had an ex just like this, really feel for you.
So very pleased for you he’s gone

Now he's gone, first thing to do is get someone to change all the locks. Do that straight away in case he tries to 'catch you out' by coming back without warning. Then speak to the police and get his threatening behaviour on record. You've come this far, do keep yourself safe now. You're still wound up with tension - the relief will come.

Just wanted to give an update. I haven't been on in a bit because I was down in the dumps after not getting a job I really wanted. Would have been a great chance to get back to work.

On the positive side my and DS' lives are much happier. I'm way less stressed and a better mum because of that. Ex-P has reframed everything to him ending it because I was apparently doing peepshows for the neighbours He was video calling DS one day and I stupidly answered the phone in a towel because I was about to have a shower. He told DS he had to go because "people are waiting for Mummy." It makes me blood boil but there's no reasoning with insanity. He's only video called once since and our days are so much easier for it. He's dropped contact with me almost completely so I suggest suspect there is someone else on the scene and I really don't care.

He's not due back just yet but I think there will be the option to stay on for a second stint- I know this is true because I've heard from the other wives and girlfriends of his team members.

I'm finally feeling a huge sense of relief now. DS and I can go about our day without having to report in and we can do impromptu things (within lockdown restrictions) without letting him know or sending picture evidence.

You do realise his continued accusations of you being up to something is actually because he is.. and paranoid! Been there, got that t-shirt! Never did see it at the time.. hubby working away, I was taking driving lessons to gains some independence. He called seconds after every lesson needing to know I was home not off fucking the instructor.. turns out he was living a double life whilst working away. Ha! I'm far wiser now

So glad you are feeling the relief now. Don’t worry about the job, I like to tell myself that it’s all interview practice for a better opportunity to come. Do you have a plan for getting rid of all his stuff? Can you leave it with a relative so he doesn’t have to come over for it? Have you changed the locks? I sincerely hope he has moved on and leaves you alone. Wishing you and your DS much happiness.

Oh Op I hope he is really is gone for good he absolutely disgusting. It turned my stomach when you described the vibrator to relax you, just after your termination. He is also emotionally abusing your son via these video calls. He certainly does not care about him to be talking about his mother like that. Peep show to the neighbours? He is seriously deranged. I would be going absolutely no contact with the weirdo.

I don't think this is over for him once hes back from work. Have you changed the locks and got rid of his stuff?
What would you do if he walked back in?

I've just RTWT and just wanted to say how inspiring you are. I'm feeling sad atm, lying here in the dawn (nothing similar - my mum's dying) and your courage really cheered me up.

I'm really sorry to hear that, @PrawnofthePatriarchy - you look after yourself.

@Thesheerrelief, I strongly recommend you read Gavin Becker's The Gift Of Fear. It should give you a good idea of warning signs and tactics to deescalate worrying situations.