The sheer relief of realising it's over

[Thesheerrelief]

I've finally, finally after three years - being left when pregnant, tried again twice and now going through lockdown - realised I've done all I can. I've tried tried tried but I can't make it work on my own. It feels AMAZING. I feel so light.

My partner works away and would be with me and DS (2) for about two weeks after being away for four weeks. The last few times he's been home there have been a few ups and downs - he's always accusing me of having multiple affairs, trying to catch me out on things, refusing to go or do anything I want to do. This time he's been up for a day then hostile, cold and inventing things about me, then nice again for a while. Then it would be nice for a few hours and awful for maybe two days. On mother's day he screamed at me that he was going to spend lockdown elsewhere (his brother's) because I said that going to the shops wasn't a good idea, given the current restrictions and that we'd gotten food in two days previously and had everything we needed.

When we go out for our daily walk it has to be on his schedule. He smokes outside while I do everything to get DS ready, then comes in to hurry me up. I asked him not to snap at me and he decided I didn't want to leave the house until a certain time because I was "taking orders" from someone I was having an affair with and needed to be out at the right time to catch a glimpse of them. The next morning he sat in the bed and didn't move at all while I got myself and DS ready - he said this was so I couldn't accuse him of hurrying me and said we'd go out when I got my "orders".

I don't even like him anymore. The (increasingly shorter) periods of him being nice are ruined by knowing his awful moods are coming. I feel so relieved by knowing I've done enough. I've tried so hard and it's okay to give up now.

He usually tries to dump me by text every time he goes away to work. He gets drunk and accuses me of all sorts and insults me. He'll be going soon because his job is still permitted to be open right now and I'm just not going to talk him around this time. That's why I'm posting this - I need to get it out, to say I'm not doing this anymore and I'm changing it. It's the safest option rather than ending it before he goes, just pretending its his idea. He grabbed me by the neck at xmas when he was drunk because I was texting friends in front of him.

@Prawnofthepatriarchy I'm so sorry to hear that. Take good care of yourself.

I have been lucky that him working away gave me a natural break in things and also that he has ended it so often in the past. It gave me an out that most people don't get so it's harder to end things. I knew I just had to bide my time.

Well done; I can almost hear the relief in your posts. Have you changed the locks and put a video doorbell in?

So happy for you OP! Seems like you finally got the relieved feeling! Sorry to hear about the job! X

Ive just read your post OP, and well-fucking-done. Youve had the strength to do what would crumble so many others. Has his leave come back around yet since he left? Have you contacted the police again at all, or considered it? Just so youve got what you need to get a non molestation order or some protection for you and DS if he decides to show back up. I really just want to say well done you again, you should be proud of yourself x

@Gin4thewin thank you so much! I don't feel very strong. I didn't ever say to him that I didn't want him anymore, I just let it play out, but that was the safest thing for us.

About the police - does anyone know if it's possible just to log the incidents with them retrospectively? Also, his brother is a police officer so hopefully it wouldn't be easily accessible

I can help there too hopefully as an ex officer. Does brother work for the same force? If not, no, if yes, and he checks (will have no policing reason too) it will be tracked (near enough every mouse click is) and hell loose his job for it, simple as that. You can make a report, someone will most likely have to see you due to it being a domestic report, you can choose not to give a statement, they will do a domestic violence risk assessment (high, medium low scoring) they COULD go victimless prosecution if they chose to but that's only if they thought your risk from him was so high they had no choice. Im worried hes going to waltz back when hes on leave, make sure locks are changed, and PLEASE call 999 if he shows up, which is why i also think its important to speak to the police, a note/ marker can be added to your address if you call, even if you dont say anything. It should link up. Ive seen many women get out but then the men make their lives so damm hard and impossible (abuse, threats, violence etc) it seems easier to get back with them. Do i think hell just turn up like nothings happened and make out like you were making a fuss and over reacting, yes, i do.

I cannot say it enough, you have done what i have begged so many women to walk away from and take my help, it honestly makes me so proud when someone manages it, sticks to it and lives their lives bloody happy how they deserve to. Dont let anyone ever take that away from you and dont you dare downplay what a great thing you did x

@Gin4thewin that is incredibly helpful, thank you! Yes, his brother is on the same force. He (the brother) seems like someone who abides by the rules but it does make me anxious. They have differing views on lots of things but are still quite close. I did call the local police station over a year ago when he was threatening to go to my elderly parents' house to talk to my dad about things when we were estranged so they probably have a note of that I'd imagine. I told him I'd spoken to the police then and he backed off.

The thing that really gets me is that I was devastated over this man. Genuinely heartbroken, hurting and grieving for years. I invited him back into my life - repeatedly!!! I'm so glad my feelings have completely changed because I know many women go through the anguish of trying to leave someone abusive while still loving them. That all switched off for me and it's wonderful to be free of the torment of my feelings for him.

I will get the locks changed. That won't be a problem because it's a relative of mine who owns the house. I have a good alarm system too and I'll change the code.