Really confused about newish relationship.

[AllTheNamesIThinkOfHaveGone]

I've been struggling with a new relationship for a while.

I had a post on here about it a couple of months ago (under a different name) and the overwhelming response was that the issue was mine and to get over it. I have spoken with a couple of trusted real life friends about it and their position was not dissimilar. Even my adult son, who is very concerned that I have been unable to find a loving relationship in the almost 10 years since I split up with his dad, is advocating for this man.

But it still doesn't feel right to me. I was emotionally abused by my parents until one died and I cut contact with the other (also almost 10 years ago) so I'm trying to accept that it might be me who is off kilter in this. But I think this is making me feel I ought to accept things that I'm not happy with.

Even if it is all me, does it matter? If the relationship isn't making me happy, I should just walk away anyway, shouldn't I?

Anyone?

I feel like I'm forcing myself to go against my instincts here and can't see the wood for the trees anymore.

Cheryl Strayed said (not in her exact words) "you not wanting to stay is enough reason to leave".
It can be tricky seeing you've been without a relationship for 10 years but that doesn't mean you have to stay where you clearly aren't happy, OP.
Write a list of reasons you should be alone vs reasons you should be in a relationship. That might provide clarity. You've only got this one life.

Did you post it in AIBU last time? Whatever you say there, they will disagree with you and it will all be your fault.

If you feel you should leave - leave.

Ultimately, what does it matter what other people think? It's not obligatory to be in a relationship.

No, it was in relationships.

I have started about 3 or 4 relationships in the past nearly 10 years but always end them at around the 4/5 month mark generally because of something they've said/done that's shown a lack of respect for me.

It's at around the 5 month mark with this man now. I tried to open up a conversation with him the other day about it but felt that he just shut me down.

I know I don't need to be in a relationship but it would be nice. My marriage wasn't good and I've never really had a loving relationship.

My son told me of something he had done for his girlfriend yesterday and no one has ever done anything that came close to that for me - it wasn't so much what he'd done, just the fact he cared enough about her to want to do something.

It would just be nice to experience it, you know?

Maybe you need to learn to care more for yourself.

I'm single. I've been married/in relationships, but I would far rather be single than pandering to a man in the hope that he might be nice to me. I've had some great relationships too, and mourn their demise, but I'm in no hurry to try to recreate them.

So I spoil myself. Take myself out (when we could go out!) cook myself nice meals, buy myself flowers. It would be nice to have a man to do all that for me, but in his absence, well, I shall make do. I don't want to have to put up with a lot of shit, just to get some nice bits.

So would you rather have a bloke who shuts you down (or who you feel shuts you down) for the odd bunch of flowers and a foot rub?

You're absolutely right, Zaphod. Thanks.

And i don't even get those. Or didn't when i could...

I've been doing all the taking care of myself stuff - dating myself and all. Was just hoping this time might be different, that's all.

Would just be nice to feel that someone else cared about me too, I guess. It's just knowing what to say too. He's not a bad man and we have a number of mutual friends so our paths will cross again in the future. I just don't want to leave it on a sour note, if I can help it.

Sorry, just musing now...

I spoke to an older make friend of mine yesterday (he's 66) who is someone I've previously talked things though with. I think he's been of the impression that I'm a bit 'needy'. But when we spoke yesterday, there were things he'd just assumed/taken for granted that arent the case and i think he was a bit shocked/saddened by it too.

He asked me if this man is attentive/affectionate/cares for me when we are alone/in company and I said that he is, but only really when there are other people around. He doesn't seem to notice me when we are alone together.

I just dont understand why he'd be with me at all, especially knowing we have these mutual friends, if he weren't interested. Or why he is attentive and affectionate in front of others but far less so when we are alone.

He's also quite sexually confident/adventurous, yet rarely seems interested in me.

I get that he probably just isn't interested. I suppose I just dont really understand it. Especially when other people are telling me that he is. They all seem to think that the way he is with me in public is a really good sign and they've not seen him be like that before... but it means nothing.

Had he been anyone else, I'd have walked away ages ago but I just kept telling myself i was wrong because everyone else said i was and I don't trust my instincts in these matters.

If the relationship isn't making me happy, I should just walk away anyway, shouldn't I?
Of course you should.
Why would you want to be with someone who is making you unhappy.
That makes no sense.
And frankly OP... FUCK everyone else.
This is YOU and your life.
You make decisions that are best for YOU.
You are not here to please others.
Put YOU first and do what is right for YOU!

It doesn't sound right that he's affectionate in public but not in private. Your instincts are right.

Also, it doesn't matter what other people think and even if he was a wonderful person, if you're not happy in your relationship then you have every right to leave.

Sounds like you've got good boundaries. You get through the honeymoon period, then, if you feel they disrespect you, you leave.

That's healthy.

Thanks. Just feel a bit sad about it, I suppose.

I suppose it's the 'conflicts' that have put me off kilter. So things like I have some pretty strong physical boundaries due to previous experiences. They're not necessarily set in stone and, if I trusted someone and felt safe with them, they might be moveable. He has responded perfectly to these. And he's observed them unquestioningly. I've not even verbally articulated them - he's just recognised and responded to them. But then there is no forum to talk about it or explain. Any effort I make to bring up 'emotional' stuff just gets shut down. I don't know if it's related, but he has told me I can hug, kiss, 'touch'/instigate sex with him anytime I like. And he always responds positively when I do but if I don't, then he doesn't either. So I don't because it makes me feel a bit anxious and uncertain because I dont know if it's wanted at that time. And it just makes me feel undesirable which makes me less likely to do so.

I think he tried to drop a hint a couple of weeks ago but I don't pick up on hints and I didn't realise until he smiled and said, "tell you what, I'll do it 😉" and that was the first time he'd instigated anything in several weeks.

So i can't tell if he's trying to be 'respectful' and thinks this is what he's doing. Or if he's just not interested.

But then I think, well does it matter anyway when it feels like such hard work?

It doesn't sound right that he's affectionate in public but not in private.

My friend was quite surprised about that and asked me to clarify it three times! He was expecting it to be the other way round.

He's not possessive and isnt bothered at all if i go off and speak to other men etc; we're not joined at the hip. But when we are standing together, he always has a hand on my back, arm round my shoulder, kisses me randomly....

But then, if we're at his house, a whole day can go by without him even touching me.

I've been struggling with a new relationship for a while.

I didn't need to read any further. This is not how a new relationship should make you feel.

OP, why are you behaving as though other people's opinions on this relationship are more important than yours? We don't form relationships by dint of committees agreeing -- this is the ultimate situation where it's your call. It doesn't matter a shiny shite whether your entire circle think he's the Relationship Messiah, you're not happy, and that's all that matters.

In fact it sounds to me as if other people are too important to the relationship from both your POV, perhaps because you have friends in common -- he's only affectionate to you in front of other people (because he thinks their opinion of him is more important than yours?) and you have repeatedly discounted your own unhappiness because other people have told you it would be unreasonable to split.

I hadn't thought about it like that, FatMatress

Maybe he has a need to be seen as a 'good boyfriend' and so that is the part he is playing when there is an audience.

He is keeping in touch daily throughout this lockdown but it's little more than a brief exchange on what we is/we are doing. He asks how I am but then shows little interest in the response - good or bad. He'll quite often disappear mid chat and I wont hear from him for 24 hours until he checks in again.

I've stopped bothering contacting him other than to reply to him. It's pointless isn't it?

I suppose i just don't really know how to end it. If it weren't for the fact we have mutualmfriends, I just wouldnt reply and let it fizzle out.

He phoned the night before last and i didn't answer because I was tired and realised I just didn't want to talk to him. He messaged yesterday afternoon to say hi and asked if I'd fallen asleep. I just said I had. We exchanged 3 or 4 messages and then he disappeared. Nothing since although he was online on and off for another few hours.

He is working from home but he works for himself and to his own timescales. He doesn't have deadlines as such.

But I feel I need to end it properly and politely so that it isn't awkward when we next see each other. Which we will. Just not sure what to say, tbh.

Especially as I can't imagine he'll be that bothered!

Yes, I think it is pointless.
His walked away from a chat means something more interesting has his attention.
The no touching at home is odd, because he touches when out, so that would mean he can make the effort to be affectionate .
Your not happy so tell your son that he ignores you at home, ask him if he considered ever being like that to his girlfriend.

Although, we did talk briefly the other day about what the lockdown would mean for us.

He said that we were no different to any other non-cohabiting couple, that we'd see each other when all this was over, he was still happy soending time with me and getting to know me.

Except that we arent spending any time together and I don't feel that he is getting to know me!

He said he didn't think we had much in common but we were making it work so far so all as good.

But he wouldn't know if we had much in common - he knows very little about me because he doesn't ask. If I ask about him, he answers but never asks anything about me. He only knows what I've volunteered.

Tbh, I can't see what he's getting out of this 'relationship' either!

mummmy2017

He'll put his arm round me/stroke my leg if we sit down to watch a film in the evening but that can be after a day of absolutely no physical contact whatsoever.

My friend said yesterday, "but surely he sends you little notes, a card, messages to let you know he's thinking of you or how he feels?" I had to say that no, he doesn't.

That's not to say he's not done anything nice for me - he gave me a small gift a couple of weeks ago; he bought tickets to a show a few weeks ago; and he cooks for me.

But that's a pretty low bar, isnt it?

Goodness, I am getting stressed and confused just reading your posts and trying to figure out what is actually going on!

It shouldn't be this complicated. Imagine how calm you'll feel if you don't have to second guess his motives and intentions anymore.

Send him a brief text, or let it fizzle out. He'll get the message either way and, by the looks of things, he won't be too bothered.

I agree FlowerArranger

Except that I did talk to him about something a few weeks ago and he said afterwards that he'd been a bit worried I was going to break up with him.

It's not really been any different from the start. A close mutual friend has said that there are things he knows about him that would make this all make a bit more sense, if I knew about them but he obviously isn't going to break any confidences.

I just stuck around because I thought it might improve with a bit of time but I can see that isnt going to happen.

Actually, it's not been the same since the start. It was great for the first few weeks when we spent an hour and a half kissing in the rain and sat up till 3am talking... but that's all stopped now. And that's what I want, i guess.