Really confused about newish relationship.

[AllTheNamesIThinkOfHaveGone]

I've been struggling with a new relationship for a while.

I had a post on here about it a couple of months ago (under a different name) and the overwhelming response was that the issue was mine and to get over it. I have spoken with a couple of trusted real life friends about it and their position was not dissimilar. Even my adult son, who is very concerned that I have been unable to find a loving relationship in the almost 10 years since I split up with his dad, is advocating for this man.

But it still doesn't feel right to me. I was emotionally abused by my parents until one died and I cut contact with the other (also almost 10 years ago) so I'm trying to accept that it might be me who is off kilter in this. But I think this is making me feel I ought to accept things that I'm not happy with.

Even if it is all me, does it matter? If the relationship isn't making me happy, I should just walk away anyway, shouldn't I?

Thanks. I think you're right about him just not being the right person for me.

I am aware of how asd makes it difficult for me to understand people and situations. But I can't do anything about that. No amount of counselling or reading is going to change that any more than it's going to make me 3 inches taller.

What I do do is counter is as best I can. So I don't generally tell people why, but I am clear that people need to be straightforward and direct with me - if anything is left to interpretation then this is what happens.

He's generally very good with things like this and has seen first hand that I just don't pick up on hints etc but he hasn't, for whatever reason, been able to express himself in a way that means I understand this fully. There are just too many contradictions and it makes no sense.

The benefit to asd is that I tend to accept what people say to me once it's clear. I don't need reassurances; I don't get jealous; once I have clarity, that's it. Neither do I take things to heart or react badly. If he'd said he didnt think i was attractive, I'd have just accepted it. People can't help how they feel or whether they find someone attractive.

But without it I'm in utter turmoil and I do overthink and get anxious because none of it makes sense.

Neither do I "love too much". This isn't about that. I don't love him or feel like i love him. I just want to understand so that I know how to respond/behave/what to do next.

But you're right. The whole thing has been utterly stressful for me. The first month felt very different and, whilst i didn't have 'clarity', I could handle it because there were clear signs of interest from him that have declined ever since. And yet, he still gets in touch and stil claims to want to see me. If he's lost interest I'd rather he just said but he claims to still be interested.

Either way, I know I need to end it for my own peace of mind.

My first two questions to him were, "Do you think I'm attractive?" and, "Do you like me?" because I didn't know the answer to either. Which just sounds a bit pathetic now I write it down.

I may have missed this so apologies if so, but how did he respond to this? Did he give you any reassurance at all?

I could handle it because there were clear signs of interest from him that have declined ever since. And yet, he still gets in touch and stil claims to want to see me. If he's lost interest I'd rather he just said but he claims to still be interested.

Why do you believe he has lost interest if he gets in touch and wants to see you?

Can you be specific about what additional reassurance you need than the above actions - is it words?

OP, you keep saying that you like him but what do you actually like? NOt his coldness, for sure. And in the latest post you say you don't love him. I think yo uwould at least have an inkling that you were falling in love by this time if you had actual chemistry/compatibility, In which case, why so much dount about ending it?
If you don't know how to say it to him, just say as it is, that he's not being clear of whether he is interested / he's evasive when you ask /the intial excitement isn't there, that's more than enough of an explanation.

Neither do I "love too much". This isn't about that. I don't love him or feel like i love him. I just want to understand so that I know how to respond/behave/what to do next.

You see, @AllTheNamesIThinkOfHaveGone, I think this points to some of the problems you have in understanding what's going on with him and perhaps others. You are very literal, and I expect this is to do with your autism. You saw the title of the book, thought "I'm not a woman who loves to much", and concluded that this book would not speak to you, i.e. you'd not benefit from it.

The books I suggested are classics for a reason. They are extremely useful as part of an emotional and practical education about relationships and how to understand what is going on with other people - for anyone, not just those who are struggling like you.

I realised who you are now when you said you have HFA. Honestly OP you got good advice in your previous thread. This is utterly exhausting. He does like you or he wouldn't be bothering. He also doesn't have to message you 24/7 just because he's also online.

Just end it.

Buttery he said that he doesn't usually let people in his house if he doesn't like them. He has no problem in telling me about other women he finds attractive so I assume that he doesn't think I am. Or I'd know. Either by his words or actions

Gutterton I don't know anymore. Nothing specific. Just anything that means I don't feel like he's ambivalent towards me or that I'm a nuisance. He never asks me to go home but neither does he give any indication that he wants me there. Words, a hug, a kiss, even just a look. Anything. Just some affection. Or opening up and talking/sharing. Closeness. Anything.

Cat he's intelligent, kind, considerate, funny, thoughtful. We share similar values. He's quite eccentric. There's a lot about him that i could fall in love with but keeping me at arms length means that there is little to no emotional connection so I can't fall in love with him and don't see how he could either. He has said he is very guarded, which is fine, but he is so much so that I can't tell if he's interested at all. Like I said before, I can't see what he is getting from being with me either. Other than company.

FlowerArranger I'll take a look at those books then. Thanks. Yes, I am quite literal but I'm not always aware of it.

Qwerty I haven't said anywhere that I want to be in contact with him 24/7. Because I don't.

I suppose I also feel that I'm not 'good enough' for him and suspect that he thinks he could do better. I think that is what underpins it. I'm clearly not his type. I suppose I'm just looking for anything that suggests I'm 'wrong' because a) i know I find these things difficult and b) because it's hard to accept that I've never met anyone who had genuine/lasting feelings for me. I really wanted this time to be different.

Obviously, I do need to end it for both of our benefits. But I'm finding that hard because I want to be wrong.

Of course you are finding it very hard. You have invested so much in him. He seems to dominate your life, even though you don't spend much time together. Your over thinking is detrimental to your quality of life.

Can you just put him aside for a while and consciously focus on yourself? You don't have to end it right now - just let it fizzle out.

What do you enjoy doing? Do that instead, assuming it's possible during lockdown. Or start something new. Everyone can be an abstract expressionist painter . Or watch some of the cultural stuff that is currently online - National Theatre, Royal Ballet, museums, art galleries...

OP, you said you've had a load of shitty relationships in the past. This is not one, though, I presume? This sounds like a meh relationship! So you can chalk it up as useful experience.

You would like to end it, but want to be nice about it, so he doesn't feel to blame. How about saying you want to end it because you're not able to see each other and that makes it hard for you? You can even say, maybe we can reconnect when the restrictions are lifted. It'll be easy enough at that point to say the timing is not great for you or whatever.

I knew you had HFA before you said it.

He's nice. He likes you. He's respectful of your sexual boundaries.

I have a husband who told me he loved me once and then thought that would do forever as if the situation changed he'd update me! Not every man sends little notes or texts every day. All the rest of it is you over thinking and over analysing and getting in a mess over communication styles.

When he told you 'You look spotty' he did mean 'You look nice' - but in HFA speak it just meant 'You look covered in spots'.

If you want to dump him, do it but next time you have a relationship have some counselling from someone experienced in HFA otherwise the same thing is going to happen all over again.

he's intelligent, kind, considerate, funny, thoughtful. We share similar values. He's quite eccentric. There's a lot about him that i could fall in love with but keeping me at arms length means that there is little to no emotional connection so I can't fall in love with him and don't see how he could either. He has said he is very guarded, which is fine, but he is so much so that I can't tell if he's interested at all. Like I said before, I can't see what he is getting from being with me either. Other than company.

This along with your other thread sounds to me like YOU have been keeping him at arms length and scouring every micro movement and text punctuation to find blame at his door so that you can abandon him before he (in your head only) abandons you. This has been the pattern of your RS and this is what you need to work through with a counsellor.

Look at his actions and his words in the above. These are facts. Then look at your negative interpretation and assumptions.

He sounds like a nice person to spend time with. It sounds like you enjoy and value his company. How would it feel if you decided that he was a friend for now?

I do keep people at a distance until I know it is safe to let them in.

Maybe that is part of the problem, that I don't feel it's safe to let him in.

I don't agree with posters who say you were looking for the negative in his beaviour, OP. It really IS all about compatibiliy. Many.any women would find a reserved man who doesn't offer affection or compliments either unexciting or uninterested!

OP, yo usay he's kind and thoughtful - do yo umean with others, ,ainly? He's not that with you if he never eve gives you any expression of missing you / letting you feel like je's really attarctted etc.

I think he's very guarded and a bit 'numb' after his past experience (your mutual friend hinted at that) and that makes you so incompatible. He would need a secure woman who possilby initiates emotionally - but you need a ditto man! Sometimes after a bad experience, people do look for companionship as they aer too scared to go all romabtic again, he may well be doing that.
In that case, you can either wait a long while till he s ready (but you'd need to be chilled out and not in a rush yourself - seems impossible), or just end it. Just a wrong timing and probably wrong chemistry really.

sorry for so many typos!

Thanks.

I wasn't looking for the negatives in his behaviour. As much as anything, I'd only heard good things about him so I was a bit taken aback the first time I thought something was amiss and just ignored it. This whole thing has gone on for a lot longer than it would have done otherwise.

Yes, he's kind and thoughtful to everyone. Including me. But when he has done something kind and thoughtful for me, it's because that's who he is and he'd have done it for anyone. There isn't anyone who has a bad word to say about him - because he's "lovely". He's just not interested in me or attracted to me. And no, he doesn't miss me or look forward to seeing me or have any feelings for me...

I appreciate what you're saying with the exception of him needing someone really secure. Surely, it wouldn't matter how secure a woman was, she'd still want a partner who was interested in her and attracted to her?

I think it's a moot point anyway now. We've had little to no meaningful contact over the past few days and I think the effort he made initially was for my benefit rather than because he wanted to anyway. So I'm going to end it today.

I can't just let it fizzle out because I need it to be definite. I'm just trying to work out if I can just say "this isn't working for me" or whether I need to give a brief explanation. I don't want to look like I'm blaming him or playing games and i feel a bit stupid 'ending it' when there isnt anything really to end. I just need it to be definite.

Can it just be definite in your own mind?

Not really because I'll end up seeing him again when all this is over and we still have things at each others houses. That would be awkward i think.

I dont know. Maybe i wont say anything today and see what happens. Maybe I'll wait and see if he gets in touch again and say something then instead.

Since this is making you so unhappy of course yes you need to break it off. Earlier you wrote:

"but always end them at around the 4/5 month mark generally because of something they've said/done that's shown a lack of respect for me"

I see the coincidence here - you broke those off at 4/5 months, and you've been going out with your current boyfriend for 5 months. Did you feel uncomfortable with them in the first couple of weeks but just kept going far too long?

He has no problem in telling me about other women he finds attractive

Can you expand a bit more on this? Because I wouldn’t be with someone if they kept telling me about other people they found attractive..

Scott72 It was fine for the first couple of months or so. He asked to see me; seemed keen; we flirted; we discussed our christmas plans together and he based his plans around my availability to see him (largely because he had a lot of flexibility and I had very little); he was quite open about some things that had affected him emotionally; seemed keen to impress me and concerned about what I thought; he made time for me - we saw each other quite a lot initially. We talked about being exclusive and both said we had no interest in pursuing anyone else and hadn't from the start.

I started to notice a change after a couple of months. It wasn't all at once, there were just little things i noticed or little changes. Close mutual friends reassured me that he wasn't the sort to mess women about and that he is very emotionally guarded and i know that i don't read other people well so I trusted them and tried to ignore it. The first thing I really noticed was emotional pushback. So any attempt to have a deeper conversation or make an emotional connection was shut down. He almost opened up to me about something once and shut himself down. When I've complimented him, he's shut it down or been dismissive. Yet, until the lockdown, he was still asking me out and we were still spending weekends together. He cooked, made sure I had everything I needed, was very attentive in that respect. He was still introducing me to his friends up to the lockdown.

But he doesn't regard me as his 'girlfriend'; there's very little affection or emotional connection; he wasn't falling for me on any level... And now he's really only one step up from ignoring me completely. I've just found the whole thing utterly confusing. We spoke briefly last week about the lockdown and whether that changed anything. He said it didn't and we would see each other again once it was over but, at week on, that's not how it feels.

I suppose I just really wanted it to work this time (at least enough to get past the 5 month mark!) - I'm usually a lot more pragmatic about things than this.

Splitsunrise Not in real life, but when watching films etc. He had no problem with telling me when women were beautiful, gorgeous, sexy. Although, I suppose I can't expect to hear those things from someone about myself if that's not how they see me - and, tbh, I'm neither beautiful nor sexy!

It's not about jealousy. I'm not 'jealous' - I just can't see why he'd be with me if he didn't find me attractive and, if he did, why I wouldn't know.

To clarify, there wasn't any 'lovebombing'. Just normal levels of interest on both sides.

I've just ended a 'relationship' for exactly the same reasons as you OP. Was very keen at first, wanted to see me all the time, full of compliments but over time, he stopped making arrangements with me, it was me doing all the chasing, although strangely he was happy to text me every day 🙄. I had it out with him last night, turns out he's looking more for a fwb arrangement not an actual relationship so he was promptly told to do one. Your gut is telling you this isnt right, listen to it and end it, it's clearly making you really unhappy, and life is too short to be in a crap relationship.

He may or may not have ASD but his behavior maybe shows some ASD tendencies. He's not comfortable talking about his emotions (this is common to most men though). He hasn't contacted you much during the lockdown. It could be he's losing attraction, or it just could be he doesn't see the need since he's told you he'll see you later when possible, and to him that seems like enough reassurance.

He doesn't say you're attractive, because to him it seems self evident that he finds you attractive or he wouldn't be going out with you. He calls other women on TV etc. beautiful in your presence and doesn't realize this hurts your feelings. He doesn't call you beautiful because he doesn't find you beautiful, but just attractive, and doesn't see the point in unnecessary flattery.

I know I'm guessing here, but perhaps I'm on to something.

OP, you don't need our validation to end a relationship you're not happy with. You don't need anyone's validation. You can just end it.

Instead of turning over and over the whys and wherefores, why not end it, then do some work on why you felt you couldn't just act in the first place and have had to seek opinions from friends, family and people on the internet. You've kept a relationship going that you don't really want to be in because of what other people have said. They're not the ones going out with him though.

To want to end it but not doing so because others like him is not the sign of a healthy relationship with yourself. Only your own validation counts. Work on your self esteem, then in future when you find something isn't working for you, you can quickly act and move on.

I feel a bit sorry for him tbh. It sounds like he knows you have strong physical boundaries and wants you to feel respected. So he touches you in public where it's "safe"to do so (because no risk you will feel pressured) and then when you are alone he is waiting for you to initiate so you feel ok with what's happening.
That is actually a lovely, respectful thing that shows he is thinking of your needs.

Could you try telling him how you feel and what you need? And be open and curious with him about why he behaves as he does?

I think the 5 month mark is a good time to have a chat about the future of the relationship, especially in lock down

Obviously this assumes he's worth having a relationship with. Maybe he isnt but as you are thinking about it so much that suggests to me that he is important to you

PS second reading "Attached" by Amir Levine - brilliant book