Really confused about newish relationship.

[AllTheNamesIThinkOfHaveGone]

I've been struggling with a new relationship for a while.

I had a post on here about it a couple of months ago (under a different name) and the overwhelming response was that the issue was mine and to get over it. I have spoken with a couple of trusted real life friends about it and their position was not dissimilar. Even my adult son, who is very concerned that I have been unable to find a loving relationship in the almost 10 years since I split up with his dad, is advocating for this man.

But it still doesn't feel right to me. I was emotionally abused by my parents until one died and I cut contact with the other (also almost 10 years ago) so I'm trying to accept that it might be me who is off kilter in this. But I think this is making me feel I ought to accept things that I'm not happy with.

Even if it is all me, does it matter? If the relationship isn't making me happy, I should just walk away anyway, shouldn't I?

That makes sense tbh, Scott asd or not.

If men don't like talking about emotions and personal things, how do they make emotional connections with people or get close to them?

If he had asd too, none of this would bother me because it would all make perfect sense and it would be 'normal'. But I don't want to make those kind of assumptions without anything real to base it on - largely because I also know that the simplest explanation is usually the right one.

I don't expect to be told I'm beautiful because I'm not and I don't see the point in unnecessary flattery either. Compliments should be genuine and freely given - not coerced or given disingenuously. I ended a relationship in the past where I felt that the compliments were OTT and disingenuous because I took it as a sign of insincerity and a lack of trustworthiness. I dont fish for compliments - if I ask someone a question, it's because I want to know the answer, not because i want to be complimented/flattered. But I do rely on being told things because, if not, I don't know.

sosickofthisshit there have been no compliments at all. Well, he did say once, "wow, you look nice" and then there was the 'spotty' observation. If he had 'lovebombed' me or been OTT, I would have picked up on it straightaway. If all he wanted was a fwb arrangement, I'd expect there to be a greater expectation of sex and yet there is little to none. I tried not initiating it for 2 weekends and, eventually, he did. But I've also just taken that as an indication he's not attracted to me.

EightNineTen I understand that but i have ended every single relationship I've ever been in. I've been told it's impossible to be unloveable and it's hard to accept that the reason might be that I will only ever attract men who can't possibly respect, love me or even like me particularly. So, at some point, I have to question whether the problem is me and try to avoid the 'knee jerk' reaction of just walking away..

Quentin your first paragraph is my counter narrative.

I tried to initiate a conversation about where we are and what the lockdown means for us last week and he just repeated what he said a few months ago - that he's not interested in seeing anyone else; that he enjoys spending time with me and that he is enjoying getting to know me. It kind of shut the conversation down and I don't feel able to bring it up again now that I've been told so many times that what I've already done is 'needy' and unattractive. So my choices are to end it or exist in this uncomfortable limbo.

I suggested we used the time apart to open up and share more about ourselves which he said he was happy to do but I dont know how to initiate that conversation and he hasn't done so either.

Since then, there has been little to no contact and i don't know what to do. At least if I end it, that's definite.

Maybe be blunter. Say the things you appreciate but say his lack of emotional openness is causing a problem for you because you need it to feel loved and secure. Ask if he recognises what you are saying, if it's been a problem for him in other relationships, whether he knows what causes it?
Be prepared for the conversation to take a long time because if he engages he will have to reflect on stuff he probably prefers not to think about.

If you start feeling anxious or scared take a break and go back later

Unless you truly feel he isn't for you, then cut your losses. But I would explain why so he can work on it for future relationships

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/the-freedom-change/201504/fear-intimacy-and-closeness-in-relationships%3famp

Hope the link works, I think you should read that

Huh
www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/the-freedom-change/201504/fear-intimacy-and-closeness-in-relationships

He isn't affectionate when you're alone and he doesn't take an interest/ask anything about your life or get to know you......he doesn't fancy you.
For whatever reason, he's going through the motions of 'relationship'...maybe, like you, he thinks if he sticks at it long enough he can 'make' a relationship happen?

There's no chemistry between you, definitely no sexual chemistry, no excitement, no easy banter.....so there's actually nothing to be confused about. Both of you are just pretending to like each other and be in a relationship for some strange reason, neither of you actually FEEL it.

always end them at around the 4/5 month mark generally because of something they've said/done that's shown a lack of respect for me
There's nothing wrong with that.
You're choosing not to ignore that shit like a lot of others do.

You don't NEED to have a man in your life/relationship, your self worth doesn't depend on that.
You'd be better off dealing with your own childhood trauma first...

Just text him and say "this isn't working for me".
It's obvious neither of you fancy each other and he isn't even interested in you as a person.

I think I'm just going to leave it. I'm not going to contact him again and say something if he contacts me.

Thanks for the links, Quentin. I'll look at them.when i have a bit of time later.

OP, so what if you've ended every relationship? The bit about attracting certain men is where working on your own self esteem comes in. It's a good thing to see that someone isn't great then dump them. It isn't great to convince yourself something is wrong with you and force yourself to continue.

What's made you go out with these men anyway?

Like I said get rid of this one then concentrate on yourself.

What's made you go out with these men anyway?

We had things in common; we 'clicked'; we found each other attractive; we were friends first so knew each other well; we ticked each others boxes... all the usual reasons I suppose.

My self esteem is fine generally. I go out with friends, I 'date myself'; I'm happy to go to gigs and stuff on my own; i have hobbies; i have (a few) friends - although none of them close; I spend time on my own; i have self care routines; I'm educated; i have a professional career. Romantic relationships is the only area of my life that I havent been able to 'sort' because it involves being close to someone else. But I'd really like to have a relationship. Even if it's just once. And even if it didn't last. Just so I've experienced it.

Because of the asd, I manage things quite closely - so I'm organised because otherwise everything falls apart. People seem to like me well enough.

A good relationship, I mean. I'd like to be loved and cherished. Just once.

I am aware I'm not going to have either of those in my current situation.

Surely, it wouldn't matter how secure a woman was, she'd still want a partner who was interested in her and attracted to her?

Yes, of course! This was in the context of being able to wait and be relaxed if he was 'very guarded emotionally' as you said - such men can take a long time to open up emotionally and let the guard down. A secure woman could lead him by the hand slowly , so to speak. But obviously only IF she believed that there is chemisrty there and it just needs time and patience with a man who had bad experiences before.

Sometimes this works - but no guarantee obvs, so again a woman needs to be strong enough in case she fails.

It can also work if the woman wants a very slow prigression herself - either because she has kids, or just wants to take he time after divorce - then he might take over to pursuade her.

Just let it go, and if he questions it, say that you need a closer connection and you don't feel there is enough chemistry (you can add 'from your side' if you like), this does NOT put blame on him, it's just describes the facts.