Really confused about newish relationship.

[AllTheNamesIThinkOfHaveGone]

I've been struggling with a new relationship for a while.

I had a post on here about it a couple of months ago (under a different name) and the overwhelming response was that the issue was mine and to get over it. I have spoken with a couple of trusted real life friends about it and their position was not dissimilar. Even my adult son, who is very concerned that I have been unable to find a loving relationship in the almost 10 years since I split up with his dad, is advocating for this man.

But it still doesn't feel right to me. I was emotionally abused by my parents until one died and I cut contact with the other (also almost 10 years ago) so I'm trying to accept that it might be me who is off kilter in this. But I think this is making me feel I ought to accept things that I'm not happy with.

Even if it is all me, does it matter? If the relationship isn't making me happy, I should just walk away anyway, shouldn't I?

@Musti

Not necessarily and not in my experience.

Wouldn't you also expect to know?

Or that someone would tell you? Even just once?

Otherwise, how would you know? Wouldn't you expect that someone would see you differently to they saw other people that they know? Otherwise, what is the point?

Or do other people's 'relationships' really have no emotional connection or nothing to differentiate them from other 'relationships' in their lives.

If someone doesn't say something, do people really just go around 'assuming'?

All I actually want to know is where I stand. Or do other people not care?

The relationships board is full of people being told it's fine to have the 'exclusitivty' talk and that it's foolish to make assumptions without knowing for definite.

As much as anything, if he is just going to push me away and keep me at arm's length, and avoid make emotional connection, then why hasn't he ended it himself?

I tried wording a message to end it but I can't even do that because there's nothing really to end it over. I'd just let it fizzle out but can't because we have things at each other's houses that need returning and we will see each other again when al this is over and people are going out again.

No, I presume they're attracted to me and like me if they're with me. I've had exes who have told me how beautiful I am etc but someone I was with for 10 years I can't remember him ever say it. But we had an amazing relationship and I never questioned that he found me attractive.

But I guess I find someone attractive if I like their personality so looks aren't at all important to me.

OP, as on the last thread, I would say again that you need a BF with a different communication style/personality - someone who's open and warmer by mature. He's not for you, he'd get on with a very secure woman who likes a practical, intelligent type.

You need someone very compassionate and who can be open about his emotions much more though don't expect men to be as open as you'd ideally want.

It s a bit strange that it started with him being quite different and then abruptly he stopped - did you ask him why? If you want to articulate the reason you aer splitting up, jus mention that, so he knows he's given you a different impression of himself and that you need a man with initiative and a more sincere style. He may just be trying to be very respectful but this translate into 'too careful', this doesn't suit you, now would it suit many other omen.

Musti to be fair there aer a lot of realtionships when after an initial spark of lust or liking the novelty of someone, people may feel attarction dissipating yet still liking the other person so trying to see how ot goes - and PLENTY of r-ships where people are attarcted physically but don't really like each other.
We are not talikng about LTRs, but only months-long relationships. Obviously they don't last. So Op questioning this in early stages, not surprising if she feels something is off / possibly he lost the initial interest.

Thank you ,Cat No, I didnt ask him why. I just assumed he'd lost interest but was also confused because he still kept asking/making arrangements to see me. So was just waiting to see what happened, I suppose because I know I'm not very good at reading people and situations and everyone kept telling me not to act too hastily by ending it.

Musti but presumably, in this 10 year relationship, you knew he was attracted to you?

But I guess I find someone attractive if I like their personality so looks aren't at all important to me.

Same here but, again, presumably they would know you were attracted to them? Presumably your relationships still include some positive regard and aren't just based on neutral interactions and guesswork?

I think you misunderstand me. I wasn't expecting him to fawn all over me telling me how beautiful I am, i was just trying to make sense of what was going on. I don't like over the top displays of affection; or expressiveness. I find a lot of these aspects of relationships uncomfortable and insincere but I do expect to know if I'm in a relationship or not.

And, I suppose, on a sheer curiosity level, when I'm not his type physically; he says that we don't have a huge amount in common and he is cold towards me (whether a reflection of his feelings or his nature), what reason can he possibly have for continuing it? Or for telling people it's going really well when they ask? For any of it?

@Musti is correct. If they are still going out with you, you should presume they like you and find you attractive. Asking comes across as if you are playing games and testing them. Its really very hard to give a good answer to that sort of question. You have to give just the right amount of enthusiasm. Too little, you come off as cold. Too much, you come off as insincere. Or you could just redirect and not answer directly, as he did, which carries its own risks.

I just read your latest answer:
"I think you misunderstand me. I wasn't expecting him to fawn all over me telling me how beautiful I am,"

Unfortunately when someone asks do you like, do you find me attractive, etc. this is what they are normally fishing - a gushy, slightly over the top answer - but not too over the top, so a delicate balancing act. This is probably what he thought you were asking for, and he declined to play along.

OP, all your thinking is about what HE'S thinking and feeling. But that's his problem. What about what you think and feel? Do you like him? Are you attracted to him? Do you like sex with him? Is it fun with him? Is he good company?
If you like him stay, if you don't, don't.

I would walk away from this relationship OP

You deserve more than this. He sounds like he's playing at being in a relationship just to give him something to do.

Ask yourself how you would feel if he ended it today? Relieved or upset?

I think a few posters are being harsh on you OP. You've every right to want a romantic partner, that'snot necessarily needy. He sounds slightly standoffish and is leaving you feeling

Scott72

Ok. I can see that now. Thanks. I really just wanted a yes or no answer though. Because I didn't know.

Tbh, I wasnt even sure we were 'going out'.

Without clear parameters, I just don't know. I dont want to talk about it endlessly but a single, simple conversation would have been enough.

And, tbh, I still don't know.

Ask yourself how you would feel if he ended it today? Relieved or upset?

Both I suppose.

Upset because I like him; relieved because it would at least be a definite response.

He sounds like he's playing at being in a relationship just to give him something to do.

That's what I think too.

Thanks, Icant

I just don't know how to end it.

Do I need to explain?

"This isn't working for me, see you around" ?

If you're not happy just end it. It really isn't that difficult to figure out.

Also, you are allowed to have more than one relationship and to end them after however much time you fancy. Nothing wrong with seeing someone for 4 months then someone else etc.

Surely when you meet the person you want to be with for longer, you will know?!

As in, if you wanted to be with them longer then lo and behold at 4 months you would still be together, with no "confusing" thoughts..

Actually, I think it's true that he's just not interested. I think he quite likes the idea of having a girlfriend and, in the absence of a girlfriend, I'm a good enough substitute but he isn't actually interested in me and he doesn't have any feelings for me.

I just need to be brave and end it. I don't think he'll be bothered.

I did speak to a mutual friend of ours about this a few weeks ago and she said that in the very many years that she's been friends with him, she has never known him to be in a relationship and not take it seriously/unless he really liked her, which saddens me because it means it's just me and not him at all.

I just assumed he'd lost interest but was also confused because he still kept asking/making arrangements to see me.

That’s a v big clue that he is into you. How can you be not clear if you are even going out if he is calling you and the above is happening?

Also you just said above that you don’t like people fawning all over you - but up thread you were complaining that he wasn’t doing any romantic gestures but said that you hadn’t done any for him either.

Sounds like he could be mirroring your communication style so as not to tread on your toes.

You said in your last thread that you have a v close mutual friend who was v supportive of the RS. Would you feel comfortable asking her where she thinks he is at? Or even if she thinks he has HFA as well? Maybe you need a mediator / sounding board who knows you both?

Surely when you meet the person you want to be with for longer, you will know?!

I don't know. It hasn't happened yet.

Gutterton I suppose I'm just looking for anything that gives me a clear sense of where I stand/what he thinks.

I don't think he's mirroring my communication style. I was very open to begin with - I told him thing about myself; I told him that I like him; I've told him I think he's attractive; I've been affectionate toward him. I've only really stopped that because I'm mirroring him. All I've really got is that he's not criticised me or complained about anything.

If I pay him a compliment, he just dismisses it so I've taken that as him not really feeling comfortable with receiving compliments from me because he doesn't feel similarly. I've thought about doing romantic things for him but stopped myself because I didn't know if it would be welcomed or not.

I wouldn't feel comfortable asking her again, no. And he's been quite 'coupley' with me when she's been there so she wouldnt have an accurate picture anyway.

I really do think it's more a case of me being better than nobody.

If I knew that he liked me but was a bit 'reserved' then I would be fine with that. But he won't even give me that.

I suppose the whole lockdown situation is making it clearer. He's said we'll see each other again when it's all over but that could be months away. He said he feels quite lonely at times, being stuck at home, but makes little effort to be in touch with me - yet I know he's having lengthy/frequent communications with other people. For example, he was chatting online with his friend's wife, on and off, for a couple of hours the other night.

We've had a phone call and a video chat but there was nothing in that to suggest we were anything other than friends. He hasn't even said that he's looking forward to seeing me when this is over - just that we will.

Only thing i have noticed is that, even with our mutual friend (and he's known her a long time) she is quite affectionate and tactile towards him and he wasn't very responsive to her either.

It actually sounds to me as if you both have similar ASC traits, and you're trying to mirror each other, which is causing massive amounts of confusion and upset on both sides.

If you want to carry on the relationship because YOU like him, and enjoy spending time with him, then why not try again after the lockdown is lifted? In the meantime, try and lift the contact from something deep and meaningful to something lighter and sillier, to relieve the strain on both of you.

OP this man just isn’t for you. He’s not a bad person at all, he’s just very very different to you. There’s nothing wrong with that at all but you’re not compatible. He sounds a bit like me to be fair, if I was seeing someone who was asking if I found them attractive I’d be horrified. And that is absolutely not a criticism. I also don’t feel the need to be in constant contact with anyone but it doesn’t mean I care about them any less. As a previous poster has said, you need to find someone with the same communication style as you. We are all very different. It’s a shame but if I was you I’d end it, no blame, no drama. That way you can hopefully stay friends in the long term. He sounds like he’s generally quite a kind person.

That's the the thing though, Aminuts23

I dont want constant contact either. I'm actually fine with the level of contact, it's just the nature of it more than anything. And just the disparity between saying he feels lonely and speaking for hours to other people and a few brief message exchanges with me.

I don't require constant reassurance - but presumably if you're seeing someone you do at least know where you both stand? Presumably, they know you care about them? I asked him once because i didn't know. That's all.

Or am I really expected to believe that there are successful and functioning relationships where neither party ever makes it clear or known?

I read lots of threads on here where women say, "I know he moves me to bits" when there is absolutely no evidence of that in anything they say. So just 'assuming' seems silly to me.

That's what I want - to end it without any blame or drama. I'd just rather end it with a conversation ornexplanation and not just a "this isnt working for me. Bye" because I want him to understand but not think I'm blaming him. He is a good man, he just isn't interested in me.

If I'm honest, I'm quite happy being single. I dont have a need to be in a relationship and I've been single for a while. But if I am going to be in a relationship, I want to be cared about by someone where there is the potential for 'love'. I don't just want 'companionship' because I, ornthey, are lonely and bored.

It seems a struggle and also one that you have encountered repeatedly in RS. Have you done any reading on “attachment styles” - sounds like you might be anxious/preoccupied type and choosing the wrong type for you?

Tbh, this is the first time I've experienced this situation which is probably why I'm having so much trouble processing and responding to it properly.

My previous relationships have always looked and felt ok until they didn't anymore. They've pretty much all ended at the 4/5 month mark when I realise they don't respect me/aren't interested.

I suppose, if anything, I feel it is clearer with this man but I'm just finding it more difficult this time because I like him and I just really wanted it to be different this time. It just feels like this is something I'm never going to be able to manage.

@AllTheNamesIThinkOfHaveGone.... It's sad to see how confused you still are, and how you are struggling to make sense of this man and the way he communicates with you. I still think your HFA is at the root of all this confusion. Have you ever had any specific counselling and/or read books about how your diagnosis may affect your ability to 'read' people and your tendency to over think.?

Autism isn't something I know much about, but I feel you would find the books below useful, even though they are primarily aimed at NT people.

Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood
The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Barden
Attached: Are you Anxious, Avoidant or Secure? How the science of adult attachment can help you find – and keep – love by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
The Journey from Abandonment to Healing: Turn the End of a Relationship into the Beginning of a New Life by Susan Anderson
The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman

Bottom line: He isn't a puzzle to be solved by you, so you can live happily ever after. I very much doubt that he is the right romantic partner for you. Your attachment and communication styles are too different, plus he seems somewhat manipulative and altogether too avoidant. Most importantly: he doesn't make you happy. On the contrary, he is stressing you out.