Really confused about newish relationship.

[AllTheNamesIThinkOfHaveGone]

I've been struggling with a new relationship for a while.

I had a post on here about it a couple of months ago (under a different name) and the overwhelming response was that the issue was mine and to get over it. I have spoken with a couple of trusted real life friends about it and their position was not dissimilar. Even my adult son, who is very concerned that I have been unable to find a loving relationship in the almost 10 years since I split up with his dad, is advocating for this man.

But it still doesn't feel right to me. I was emotionally abused by my parents until one died and I cut contact with the other (also almost 10 years ago) so I'm trying to accept that it might be me who is off kilter in this. But I think this is making me feel I ought to accept things that I'm not happy with.

Even if it is all me, does it matter? If the relationship isn't making me happy, I should just walk away anyway, shouldn't I?

Then rewrite that sentence and tell him.
Right now it should not be this hard .
He should want your attention and your asking him about things
You have nothing to lose by pushing him for some answers.
If he really won't interact with you, then just give a few word answers when HE contacts you.

Even if you did understand his behaviour, would it then be acceptable? Surely it doesn't matter why he does what he does, the point is that you want something other than that which he offers.

He seems like the kind of man who likes the idea of a girlfriend more than the actuality, where he has to put in work.

If you’re not happy stop going out with him. I don’t know what else to say.

Yeah, I know you're all right.

I suppose I just hoped that, after meeting him through friends, after having been single for a good few years and after having a lifetime of shitty relationships, it would be my time to have a good one 🤷‍♀️

Tbh u are self isolating so a good time to break up

I remember your last thread I think.

I think you said that when you were actually with him all was good but you struggled to understand text communication when you didn’t see him during the week.

You were hanging back emotionally because you were scared that it would all end at 4/5 months anyway.

You were encouraged to ask him face to face where he hoped the RS was going to reassure you. Did you?

Have you started to feel like this since lock down ie back to the confusion of texts etc.?

Or is the chemistry not there?

Do you do nice romantic, caring things for him? And is the issue that they are not reciprocated? Is their any chemistry there?

Would it help to post a link to the previous thread - so posters don’t go over old ground?

I did, Gutterton.

All he'll ever say is that he enjoys spending time with me and he is enjoying getting to know me and that it's too soon to say anything else. That is it.

I don't know if the chemistry is there tbh. There are moments when it is but that all seems dependent on the way he chooses to interact with me. When he 'chooses', it's fine but there are times in feel I might as well be his sister.

I probably hold back on doing romantic caring things for him as much as I would because I feel a bit silly. Like he is 'tolerating' me or is ambivalent towards me. I feel a bit foolish.

I would link but I'm not sure it's worth it. I think i have my answer really.

He sounds extremely avoidant. And very much like someone I know. Could be wrong but definite alarm bells.

Yeah, I think so

He's just called me. We were on the phone for an hour and a half - easy conversation but, had you been eavesdropping, you'd have thought we were 'just friends'.

Just makes mean bit sad because, if it weren't for this, it could be so good. But then I think about the number of threads I read where someone has said, "if it weren't for the fact he loses his temper/drinks/doesn't love me... it would be so good" and how is this any different in terms of what it means for me or a relationship with him? Obviously, it has far less potential to cause physical harm but mental and emotional..?

He told me a few weeks ago that I could ask him anything I wanted. We'd been out for the evening so had had a few drinks and so were tipsy but not drunk.

My first two questions to him were, "Do you think I'm attractive?" and, "Do you like me?" because I didn't know the answer to either. Which just sounds a bit pathetic now I write it down.

The only insight I've had onto it at all was a few weeks ago, when he came to pick me up and I was wearing a polka dot dress. He said, "you look very spotty this evening." I replied, "yes, i do" because i did.

When we were out, I was a bit surprised when a man at the bar told me I looked lovely. He was a lot older, he wasn't trying to chat me up. I got back to him and relayed what had been said. His response was, "I told you you looked lovely this evening" and I said, "no, you told me I look spotty." I think, in his head, it had been the same thing 🙄

This is all too complicated, if you aren’t happy speak up about why not and decide based on his reaction.

I’ve been seeing someone a similar amount of time and I know exactly where we stand . Some aspects of our relationship might not be conventional (too much to explain) but I am totally relaxed with things and know where we stand and both of us are happy

Classic avoidant! The spotty thing....

He sounds like an incredibly primitive communicator — like that joke Monty Python semaphore Wuthering Heights — which I couldn’t handle for one date, let alone five months. OP, the more you say, the lower it’s clear your bar is. You shouldn’t have to be sounding vaguely relieved that a phone conversation went on easily enough at five months, or having to get tipsy before he will apparently answer direct questions.

What an odd thing for him to do, to say you could ask him anything when you had both had a few drinks! I mean, shouldn’t you usually be able to ask him anything? Was he puzzled you didn’t want to know whether he’d ever hired a prostitute or slept with a man, or what he’d rescue in a house fire, but whether he liked you and found you attractive?

I mean, is he just a bit thick?

No. Quite the opposite. He's an excellent communicator. He is intelligent and articulate. He's very engaging and knowledgable... except when it comes to emotional stuff.

I did say on my other thread that I have HFA and so I don't always find it easy to communicate how I feel. So I think I'm a bit more forgiving than most would be when other people have 'difficulties' of some sort because I'm neither straightforward nor easy and I do find it difficult to express myself at times. Which is why I've given this so much time. I can't always trust my own judgement. And a lot of the emotional abuse i experienced growing up was because of my 'differences'.

He did say that my first two questions were "very telling" but he didn't elaborate and I didn't think to ask what he meant.

Classic avoidant! The spotty thing.... how do you mean?

My first two questions to him were, "Do you think I'm attractive?" and, "Do you like me?" because I didn't know the answer to either.

Okay, you shouldn't have asked this, but what were his answers?

He did say that my first two questions were "very telling" but he didn't elaborate and I didn't think to ask what he meant.

He is telling you that you are needy. Which, to be honest, you are. From your posts I get the impression that he is keeping you at arm's length, especially emotionally, and yet you keep pushing for answers he clearly doesn't want to give.

Two books you may find enlightening:
Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood
The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Barden

Bottom line: someone with such a deeply engrained dismissive-avoidant personality will never open up to you in the way you currently need.

Classic avoidant! The spotty thing.... how do you mean?

It wasn't me who posted this, but I can tell you what he meant... You were fishing for a compliment. He, being dismissive-avoidant, deflected to give a purely factual answer.

The dismissive-avoidant is afraid of and incapable of tolerating true intimacy. Since he was brought up not to depend on anyone or reveal feelings that might not be acceptable to caregivers, his first instinct when someone gets really close to him is to run away.

It is clear that you find it very difficult to read people, and statements that would be clear to most people are confusing to you. Google attachment styles and also look specifically at *dismissive-avoidantandanxious-avoidant`. [The latter may apply to you...]

the-love-compass.com/2014/03/01/understanding-the-needs-of-the-avoidantdismissive-attachment-style/

I have to say that you do come across as extremely needy and you are overthinking so much stuff eg to ask someone that you have been seeing for a couple of months if he likes you ..of course he does if he is seeing you . What a ridiculous question . It also sounds as if you are preparing for this man to leave by picking him up on things that you don't like to get in there first ? You sound as if you want to be in a relationship but fear it at the same time.

You then mention you have HFA - surely then that explains all of this ?

He is keeping me at arms length. I'm just going to end it. I don't see any point in continuing it. It's clear he isn't interested and I'm hanging on because I just don't want to admit it to myself.

I wasn't fishing for a compliment about my dress. I was just a bit surprised a complete stranger had said something and so I told him. Clearly I can't explain it well. If he took something I said as me fishing for a compliment, i have to accept that but it's not what i was doing.

Wny shouldn't i have asked? I didn't know. I only wanted a yes or no answer. I was trying to work out what was going on and why he was 'with' me. Tbh, I stil don't know. I can't see what he is getting put if this other than being able.to say that he isn't single. He doesn't seem to benefit from being with me in any way.

I don't know if it's appropriate to end it by text. I don't like talking on the phone. I can just about manage if it a general conversation but not if it's anything more than that.

I just really wanted to be capable of having a relationship and to manage it just once.

I'm clearly just failing on every level and he must think I'm pathetic.

And yes. HFA probably does explain it but it doesn't help.

He’s not for you. End of story.

This all sounds very stressful but you also seem to overthink things quite a bit. I presume anyone I'm seeing finds me attractive/is attracted to me and likes me and I'd be very surprised if someone I was seeing asked me those questions. That's surely a given??

@AllTheNamesIThinkOfHaveGone
It seems that your HFA is making it very difficult for you to see how others perceive you. You come across as very needy. Neediness isn't just unattractive, it makes people fear that you'll be wanting more than they can give at this stage of the relationship.

I'd suggest you read up a bit about neediness (for instance the article below); then go through all your posts in this thread and pick out anything that, based on what you have learned, seems needy. I'm sure youd learn something by doing this.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/happiness-purpose/201402/happiness-others-4-dont-be-needy

I think you would also benefit from counselling.
But do also read those books that I suggested up-thread.

What's HFA?

Bloody hell, a relationship taking up this much negative headspace just isn't right so yes you need to end it.

Be single for a while! It's shit you haven't met someone you're super happy and secure with yet but that's just real life and you can't stay with someone because other people think you should.

I think there's a tendency for people to hesitate ending relationships when the other person isn't totally awful. You can leave for any reason at any time. You have a very good reason - you aren't happy together and you're anxious all the time.

Your communication styles aren't compatible. That's not something you'll be able to change. I don't understand why you're hand wringing so much when you are unhappy - break up and focus on getting happy!!!

Hello,
I really don't think you are needy. He is not right for you. A new relationship should never be this hard. Because you are not compatible, it's making you question your own personality. Please leave this man and start living your own life again.