Shall I tell his wife about your affair?

[IWillHaveAnotherOneThankYou]

Hello all,

I am fairly new here, I actually just registered because I'd really like to know people's opinions on my situation.

In autumn last year I became close to my then colleague. He was newly separated from his wife, but not divorced. They have three kids (a 4 year old and 1 year old twins). He'd moved to a small rented flat and left his wife and the kids in their home. The plan was, as he told me straight from the start, to start the divorce in summer 2020 because apparently that's when his wife's widowed mother would officially retire and move in with his wife to help with the kids (they're apparently a bit of a handful).

He said that his wife doesn't know about us because it's better this way apparently. He indicated that it may be easier for everyone to tell her after the divorce to keep 'things in check', whatever that means.

The thing is that we didn't hide our affair very well at work and as a result I lost my job because of that (it wasn't so straightforward but essentially it came down to the fact that one of us had to go and as he was senior, but not my manager, he was more 'valuable' for the company and so I had to go). That was in January. I have got over it more less by now, however, as he's an experienced IT expert, he was head hunted for and was offered a better job elsewhere and left the company a month after me to start in his new, better paid job. So the sum total of this is that I've lost my job but cannot find a new one easily, at least not in my line of work, because most companies have temporarily frozen recruitment, whilst he's enjoying a great step up in his career. Unfair much?

To top it off, just before the lockdown he moved back home (apparently for the sake of the kids so that they don't suffer without seeing him for the duration of the lockdown) but his wife's mother is apparently there as well, supposedly helping with the kids and he confirmed that she's taken the guest bedroom which would mean that he's back in the marital bed with his wife. So there is he with his wife and her mother and of course the three kids in their home, for the duration of the isolation.

Here is the thing - our relationship has become rather sour, I'd even say non-existent during this lockdown period. Previously he would message me a 100 times a day, but now I haven't heard from him for a couple of days. Previously he would be super affectionate, lovey dovey, planning our future and generally being swept of his feet by me etc etc etc. Now, at my age (36) I approach this love bombing with caution but I think he really was genuine when things were great. I don't understand what's happened but I feel very hurt by the sudden lack of his attention. When I asked him about it, he didn't really say anything.

I went from feeling sad, to confused, to super angry. When I consider that I lost my job because of our affair (I know, I know, I took part in it voluntarily) but he smoothly transitioned from one job to another, it makes me fume inside. He used to be all lovey dovey treating me almost like the love of his life - this went on consistently for months and now nothing. I don't hear anything from him at all. Not a beep. I've tried to initiate some contact this week but he came across as distant and all his affection/love/ enthusiasm for me was gone.

I am super angry. I am also feeling lonely (I live alone). I am jobless and generally things are not easy. I probably came off as a bit of clingy when trying to talk to him this week, that's not my usual self. He always admired how strong and independent I am. And now I was almost begging for attention. It's not a situation I've experienced before and my ego is taking over my rationale. The last straw was when tonight I saw him bragging to someone about his new job on LinkedIn. I really, really feel very close to letting his wife know about us....They were separated anyways and according to him, the divorce proceedings were to start in summer. It just seems so very unfair that he seems to be getting away with everything and coming across as the good guy (a responsible father who didn't want to be separated from the kids too long and a reliable breadwinner who quickly moved to a better paid job). Nobody knows about our affair - well, apart from people at our old office, but deep down I wish he suffered a bit too. I know it's awful to admit this, I should probably be the better person here but it's very, very hard. Normally the right thing to do in this situation would be to move on and find someone else, with better circumstances but I can't even date anyone else because of this lockdown! Part of me deep down wants to let his wife know which would, potentially, make their isolation situation rather unpleasant, hopefully for him mainly!

Thoughts please? I think I know what you all will probably tell me - that I should raise above it and let it be and move on. But that's that one thing that it's hard for me to do and I dont' even want to do that if I am perfectly honest. It feels like I am the one who is paying for everything but he's is breezily running through it all with flying effing colours...

He has used you, lied to you and strung you along. Forget him - hard, I know - but move on with your life. His wife needs to find out for herself what a sh** she’s married to and, one day, she will!

You already know the right thing to do.

You've been shat on. Don't revel in the shit - get up, get a shower, move on.

There are better men out there for you.

OP, I know that you are angry and to be fair, you were misled.
But for now, focus on getting another job and improving your skills.
Not planning on telling the wife.

What on earth would make you want to tell his wife, how do you even know they had separated? He could have told his wife he was renting a place due to work etc he clearly is a lier, but I know if I got a message for a woman telling me my parent we had cheated I would fuck him up and I would beat the shit out of you just because it would make me feel better just like you telling his wife makes you feel better. Your be pulling her world apart if she had no idea, for all we know he could do this all the time you clearly don't know as you yourself have said he lies you could be one of many, Just move on I'm sure you won't be last and his wife will find out what he really like in the end don't be that woman !!

*partner not parent

The more you post OP, the more unhinged you look.
I'm actually wondering at the circumstances of your 'job loss' because you're feeling a little too 'Alex Forrest' now, especially with your attitude to his wife, or wives in general really.

When you play games, sometimes you don't win. It's a good lesson to learn

You don’t get fair when the scales are tipped to start with.

I'm reading this story and I'm sure I've seen another post something along the same lines from the wife's point of view. Young child set of twins ..she knows he had an affair

You want to hurt his wife because he's hurt you?
Speaks volumes about you I'm afraid.

If the separation was not what it seemed it is odd that he did not hide his relationship with you OP, and all the office knew etc...that makes me think that his wife may already know something if not the full picture.

He is just an appalling person OP. He leaves his wife with three children under five including two very young twins...or at least he pretends to have done....not content with that he decides to knowingly hurt you for his own gratification, including damaging your livelihood just on the slight chance that the job move he already has in place for himself falls through. He is too cowardly to face you about any of this.

A man like that will never be able to offer anyone true commitment, or emotional support, or loyalty or protection. Not you, not his wife. Pity her that she ended up married to him and count your blessings you didn't.

Op I have just read this entire thread and I think you should be thinking purely about yourself in this situation you need to look out for number one and think about what "practically speaking" is the best outcome for you and you alone.
At the moment you are worried about your finances, he promised that he wouldn't see you financially suffering, he is not currently comunicating with you.
You need not to rock the boat, so to speak, play the long game, and see if he honours his promise, if he doesn't then is the time to put the cat among the pigeons.
You don't know he may have told his wife about you already, you don't know her what her reactions or motives could possibly be. He could be telling her all kinds. She might be relieved he is back and trying to mend the marriage.
Who knows??????
Just look after yourself and protect yourself, stop brooding over it and despite other PP's telling you to pursue the company you worked for, legally, don't waste your time and money, its a long and protracted process, and unless you have evidential proof that it was not a redundancy it is pointless pursuing it.
Yes its all very unfair but I'm afraid thats life. What you need to do is not dwell on this unfairness, the healthy thing to do is put the whole sorry episode behind you and try to move forward, for your own sake don't prolong the agony.
Look after yourself, first and foremost.

He wasn't separated when you starting shagging. He told you a big fat porkie pie to get what he wanted.

Now, he doesn't want the affair any more and has cut contact with you.

His wife may be aware that he was shagging around and his punishment is self isolating with his MIL.

It's done, there is nothing good that can come of this situation, there never was. Take a deep breath, learn from your mistakes and move on. Don't let his deception define you.

Let him be FGS. This ‘outing’ will not elevate the situation. Its done, just let it go and focus on rebuilding yourself.

Reading the various replies and your reaction to them OP, you sound more and more like a silly, spiteful teenager who just can't believe you were entertainment for a few weeks for a married man who wasn't getting enough fun at home. I do wonder if, at any point, you actually saw a future in which you were a loving and supportive stepmother to those tiny children.

Still... yawn. You have too much time on your hands, stop being so poisonous and be glad you're only a little part of his past, not his present nor his future, because there will be others in your place and he isn't worth it. Get a job, doing anything that stops you feeling so sorry for yourself, and don't sleep with anyone at your new job, whatever tale they tell you about the state of their marriage.

I am sorry, op. Your man wasn't separated very long when you got together and maybe everything moved a bit too fast for comfort. There was no point in his wife knowing about you at that stage because new, rebound relationships often don't last (yours appears not to have lasted), and it could complicate divorce proceedings.

He and his wife may well reconcile and if they do, you have to accept it. What would be the point of her knowing about you now it's over? Also he wasn't with his wife when you and he got together so, strictly speaking, hadn't done anything terrible - except maybe to you who appear to have wanted more from the relationship.

However, do you really want more from this man? Do you know why he and wife broke up when they had such young children? You could probably do better.

I'm really sorry about your job, that was so mean and then for him to leave the place for greener pastures. Life isn't fair.

Good luck.

I often wonder how men get away with such hideous behaviour. Who on earth would find a man who left his wife with 3 very young children attractive? The only sane response to the sort of man who leaves his wife with 3 young kids because they are a handful is that you would rather be single forever than go out with such a selfish prick, especially one who wasn’t prepared to tell his wife about your relationship. This has been a harsh lesson but take it on the chin and have more respect for yourself. How on earth could you find such a selfish creature attractive.?

He was also involved but he doesn't seem to be paying the same price, so far no price at all. How far is that? (fair). OP this is what happens when relationships end or fail and one person feels like the wounded party. It's irrelevant if he has gone back to his Wife or started with someone else, sadly (for you) from your more recent posts, it seems your relationship with him has reached its conclusion... who knows what price he is paying back home, you have to put it out of your mind and get moving with your life again.

I think you need to have a conversation with him and find out exactly is going on. It could be that they were separated but this virus has made them want to give it another go and he's not contacting you as he's hoping it fizzles out. I do agree that he cannot have his cake and eat it, but I think what you really need is the truth before you can make any decisions.

Agree with others that an unfair dismissal case would take years and may not even give you a desirable outcome as you have already accepted the dismissal money.

I hope things start looking up for you. You should be able to claim benefits until you find work. It may not be a lot, but should get you by until you get a job. Fingers crossed for you

You are so right

I don’t think you’re unhinged at all OP. You’ve been played by a con artist cheater. If he’s started a new job he’s probably got another girl on the go. This guy is vile and sadly you fell for being love bombed. The flat was probably an Airbnb and he’d never actually even left his wife. Nobody at work knew he was separated because he wasn’t. The babies were tiny! Oh dear. It’s sad that you didn’t think to contact the wife or his friends to check he was actually separated before sleeping with him. Your need to be with a guy allowed him to rip your life apart. I honestly think you should use this experience to warn others. You’re currently unemployed. Why don’t you write about it and try and get it published in the papers/magazines? Young women everywhere need to be warned never to trust what a married man says and definitely never touch one at work or one who had young kids. Never carry other peoples baggage.
In your situation I would definitely tell the wife. The poor woman needs to know. Do you know where he lives? I’d print off the messages and some facts and address the envelope to her and put it through the door. I’d say “I thought long and hard about this but thought you had a right to know the kind of man you’re married to. When your twins were newborn, he told me you were separated and that he had fallen in love with me. We slept together for many months and I even lost my job because of him. He’s a liar and ruthless. He told me he was going to divorce you in summer 2020. I think you have a right to know. I’m pretty sure he now has a new girl on the go in his new job. Be very careful”
Fuck him.
If I was the wife I would absolutely want to know.

I was actually thinking about messaging his wife on FB - basically resending some of the messages he sent me. If she's not completely stupid, she should work out pretty quickly what it's all about

If he was recently separated, why does his wife even come into it OP? Just spell it out, you are the other woman.

Come on guys, she knew he was still with his wife when she started shagging him. They had an actual affair. She thought he left his wife for her, he has now gone back. And she's throwing a tantrum.

She's never denied that, because it's the truth.

You are incredibly immature for a woman in her 30s, OP. That last post sounds like a spiteful 16 yr old girl having a tantrum.

This is all about the fact he picked her, not you, isn’t it? Might as well be honest with yourself.

Exactly that ,100%

OP, with you ‘her situation is better than mine’ and planning to destroy ‘her situation’ because no one is supporting you is making you sound worse than ‘inconsiderate’.

Tell HIM what he has done. Send HIM a message telling him what he has done to your life and how he has been able to move in to more money while you are left without income.

And if you really want to hurt him, send a message to his new employers telling them that he broke company protocols by having an affair with a woman in the office, causing discord in the team and allowing her to take the brunt and be moved out of the company not him. It will cause him embarrassment at the very least, and maybe his new manager will keep an eye on him.

As Pp said, the wife is the innocent in all this, and being left with 3 young children (of COURSE that is a handful, you naive so and so) while your DH fucks around us NEVER the better situation whether you have your Mum with you or not.