Hello all,
I am fairly new here, I actually just registered because I'd really like to know people's opinions on my situation.
In autumn last year I became close to my then colleague. He was newly separated from his wife, but not divorced. They have three kids (a 4 year old and 1 year old twins). He'd moved to a small rented flat and left his wife and the kids in their home. The plan was, as he told me straight from the start, to start the divorce in summer 2020 because apparently that's when his wife's widowed mother would officially retire and move in with his wife to help with the kids (they're apparently a bit of a handful).
He said that his wife doesn't know about us because it's better this way apparently. He indicated that it may be easier for everyone to tell her after the divorce to keep 'things in check', whatever that means.
The thing is that we didn't hide our affair very well at work and as a result I lost my job because of that (it wasn't so straightforward but essentially it came down to the fact that one of us had to go and as he was senior, but not my manager, he was more 'valuable' for the company and so I had to go). That was in January. I have got over it more less by now, however, as he's an experienced IT expert, he was head hunted for and was offered a better job elsewhere and left the company a month after me to start in his new, better paid job. So the sum total of this is that I've lost my job but cannot find a new one easily, at least not in my line of work, because most companies have temporarily frozen recruitment, whilst he's enjoying a great step up in his career. Unfair much?
To top it off, just before the lockdown he moved back home (apparently for the sake of the kids so that they don't suffer without seeing him for the duration of the lockdown) but his wife's mother is apparently there as well, supposedly helping with the kids and he confirmed that she's taken the guest bedroom which would mean that he's back in the marital bed with his wife. So there is he with his wife and her mother and of course the three kids in their home, for the duration of the isolation.
Here is the thing - our relationship has become rather sour, I'd even say non-existent during this lockdown period. Previously he would message me a 100 times a day, but now I haven't heard from him for a couple of days. Previously he would be super affectionate, lovey dovey, planning our future and generally being swept of his feet by me etc etc etc. Now, at my age (36) I approach this love bombing with caution but I think he really was genuine when things were great. I don't understand what's happened but I feel very hurt by the sudden lack of his attention. When I asked him about it, he didn't really say anything.
I went from feeling sad, to confused, to super angry. When I consider that I lost my job because of our affair (I know, I know, I took part in it voluntarily) but he smoothly transitioned from one job to another, it makes me fume inside. He used to be all lovey dovey treating me almost like the love of his life - this went on consistently for months and now nothing. I don't hear anything from him at all. Not a beep. I've tried to initiate some contact this week but he came across as distant and all his affection/love/ enthusiasm for me was gone.
I am super angry. I am also feeling lonely (I live alone). I am jobless and generally things are not easy. I probably came off as a bit of clingy when trying to talk to him this week, that's not my usual self. He always admired how strong and independent I am. And now I was almost begging for attention. It's not a situation I've experienced before and my ego is taking over my rationale. The last straw was when tonight I saw him bragging to someone about his new job on LinkedIn. I really, really feel very close to letting his wife know about us....They were separated anyways and according to him, the divorce proceedings were to start in summer. It just seems so very unfair that he seems to be getting away with everything and coming across as the good guy (a responsible father who didn't want to be separated from the kids too long and a reliable breadwinner who quickly moved to a better paid job). Nobody knows about our affair - well, apart from people at our old office, but deep down I wish he suffered a bit too. I know it's awful to admit this, I should probably be the better person here but it's very, very hard. Normally the right thing to do in this situation would be to move on and find someone else, with better circumstances but I can't even date anyone else because of this lockdown! Part of me deep down wants to let his wife know which would, potentially, make their isolation situation rather unpleasant, hopefully for him mainly!
Thoughts please? I think I know what you all will probably tell me - that I should raise above it and let it be and move on. But that's that one thing that it's hard for me to do and I dont' even want to do that if I am perfectly honest. It feels like I am the one who is paying for everything but he's is breezily running through it all with flying effing colours...