Shall I tell his wife about your affair?

[IWillHaveAnotherOneThankYou]

Hello all,

I am fairly new here, I actually just registered because I'd really like to know people's opinions on my situation.

In autumn last year I became close to my then colleague. He was newly separated from his wife, but not divorced. They have three kids (a 4 year old and 1 year old twins). He'd moved to a small rented flat and left his wife and the kids in their home. The plan was, as he told me straight from the start, to start the divorce in summer 2020 because apparently that's when his wife's widowed mother would officially retire and move in with his wife to help with the kids (they're apparently a bit of a handful).

He said that his wife doesn't know about us because it's better this way apparently. He indicated that it may be easier for everyone to tell her after the divorce to keep 'things in check', whatever that means.

The thing is that we didn't hide our affair very well at work and as a result I lost my job because of that (it wasn't so straightforward but essentially it came down to the fact that one of us had to go and as he was senior, but not my manager, he was more 'valuable' for the company and so I had to go). That was in January. I have got over it more less by now, however, as he's an experienced IT expert, he was head hunted for and was offered a better job elsewhere and left the company a month after me to start in his new, better paid job. So the sum total of this is that I've lost my job but cannot find a new one easily, at least not in my line of work, because most companies have temporarily frozen recruitment, whilst he's enjoying a great step up in his career. Unfair much?

To top it off, just before the lockdown he moved back home (apparently for the sake of the kids so that they don't suffer without seeing him for the duration of the lockdown) but his wife's mother is apparently there as well, supposedly helping with the kids and he confirmed that she's taken the guest bedroom which would mean that he's back in the marital bed with his wife. So there is he with his wife and her mother and of course the three kids in their home, for the duration of the isolation.

Here is the thing - our relationship has become rather sour, I'd even say non-existent during this lockdown period. Previously he would message me a 100 times a day, but now I haven't heard from him for a couple of days. Previously he would be super affectionate, lovey dovey, planning our future and generally being swept of his feet by me etc etc etc. Now, at my age (36) I approach this love bombing with caution but I think he really was genuine when things were great. I don't understand what's happened but I feel very hurt by the sudden lack of his attention. When I asked him about it, he didn't really say anything.

I went from feeling sad, to confused, to super angry. When I consider that I lost my job because of our affair (I know, I know, I took part in it voluntarily) but he smoothly transitioned from one job to another, it makes me fume inside. He used to be all lovey dovey treating me almost like the love of his life - this went on consistently for months and now nothing. I don't hear anything from him at all. Not a beep. I've tried to initiate some contact this week but he came across as distant and all his affection/love/ enthusiasm for me was gone.

I am super angry. I am also feeling lonely (I live alone). I am jobless and generally things are not easy. I probably came off as a bit of clingy when trying to talk to him this week, that's not my usual self. He always admired how strong and independent I am. And now I was almost begging for attention. It's not a situation I've experienced before and my ego is taking over my rationale. The last straw was when tonight I saw him bragging to someone about his new job on LinkedIn. I really, really feel very close to letting his wife know about us....They were separated anyways and according to him, the divorce proceedings were to start in summer. It just seems so very unfair that he seems to be getting away with everything and coming across as the good guy (a responsible father who didn't want to be separated from the kids too long and a reliable breadwinner who quickly moved to a better paid job). Nobody knows about our affair - well, apart from people at our old office, but deep down I wish he suffered a bit too. I know it's awful to admit this, I should probably be the better person here but it's very, very hard. Normally the right thing to do in this situation would be to move on and find someone else, with better circumstances but I can't even date anyone else because of this lockdown! Part of me deep down wants to let his wife know which would, potentially, make their isolation situation rather unpleasant, hopefully for him mainly!

Thoughts please? I think I know what you all will probably tell me - that I should raise above it and let it be and move on. But that's that one thing that it's hard for me to do and I dont' even want to do that if I am perfectly honest. It feels like I am the one who is paying for everything but he's is breezily running through it all with flying effing colours...

Your just coming across as vindictive now in your posts

Op, move on, this is really bad for your mental health.

You work in the same industry and he’s senior to you. You need work. Can’t you see how damaging it would be when he bad-mouths you as a stalker/bunny-boiler/liar? Tell his wife and that’s exactly what he’ll do.

It’s a very interconnected world. Don’t damage your own prospects for a moment of revenge.

Btw, may I ask how the wife reacted when you told her? Just out of curiosity?

She didn't reply. I know she received it though because the lowlife of her husband appologized by text a few days later (to which I didn't reply, I was young and so over him already).
In your case, the wife probably already knows. Be happy you're not her. Imagine having 3 small kids with someone like him

Sounds like you ran into a textbook version of a malignant narcissist, OP. You're spot on when you said 'game-playing'. After identifying his target (and strong independent women act like a magnet to them...it gives them more pleasure to defeat them in their sick game), the first stage of the game is love-bombing. You're made to feel so special. It's as if he has put you on a pedestal and your head is reeling from all the attention. You feel as giddy-sick as a girl. All you can think about is him. The next stage of the game is to throw you off balance. Sometimes he'll be available, sometimes he won't. He blows hot one minute, blows cold the next. It makes you feel needy---and he will have been loving this. This phase often tends to happen when he's reeling in the next target. By making you feel needy, he has already won. After he has hooked her, you get the cold, cruel discard. Nothing makes any sense to you, and you feel the same sense of loss/grief that you would if he had died. In essence, it's because your 'drug' has been withdrawn.
It's a rinse and repeat cycle, and there is almost always an ex-wife or a ''crazy stalker ex'' in the background. This triangulation makes the game even more enjoyable to them. And in many cases, the ex is not really an ex at all.
Being so cruelly abused by someone you loved and trusted-who you thought really cared for you-is not something that you get over easily. The only real way to get your sanity back is by going complete 'no contact '. No looking at any of his social media posts, and you must block him from your phone. He has enjoyed hurting you once, and given half a chance, he will do it again...even though you know in your heart that any relationship is broken beyond repair.
I'd hazard a guess that the wife already knows. Not necessarily knows your name, but knows that hubby was up to his same old tricks. You won't have been the first and you certainly won't be the last. Sometimes the women who stick around in their lives are masochists. More often it's that they kid themselves that this time he'll have changed. They NEVER change.

Funny enough when you say you don't want him back I don't believe you...

If you didn't want him back all this petty revenge wouldn't even enter your mind and you would just drop him like the lodged up sack of shit that he is.

Put it down to experience and move on.

I haven’t read the whole thread (bad form, I know), but as much as he probably deserves some shit, his innocent wife & children do not.

The impact on the children by having a completely devastated mother is not worth even thinking about, especially during this difficult time.

Best of luck, OP. Please do the right thing. X

I took the wife’s side and think you should not contact her for several reasons

1. You were not just going to contact her and let her know that her husband had been seeing you while they were separated. Your plan was to Facebook message her screen shots of the sexting you have done with him. That is a plan designed to inflict maximum pain and distress on this innocent woman. It showed that your only concern about her mental well being was how best you can upset her so she would then make him miserable.
2. His wife likely knows already that he was seeing someone while they were separated. She may not know who you are or any details, but she most probably knows there was someone. You know this too, which is why just telling her that you and he were having a relationship isn’t enough to ensure your plan of getting her upset enough to punish him so, youve decided to share the sexting. I bet if you had a video, you’d send that as revenge porn.
3. there are 3 small children in that home who are the biggest innocents of all. Your plan would also make their home environment hostile and frightening to these children. Which is added stress on top of a lockdown during a national crisis. But you don’t seem to care.

You come across as petty and vindictive. If you really just wanted to warn the wife off a shit man you’d have a plan to contact her after the lockdown, on neutral ground and not use the hand grenade of sex texting. You’d have a bit of concern of ensuring she had access to her friends and family for support and that she’d have space to compose herself. But you aren’t. You seem gleeful that you’d deliver her the gory details while she is in lockdown with him and children and no access to friends for support or space of her own.

You're having a tantrum, OP. The sooner you realise it, the better.

But, if you must 'tell on him', bear in mind that whenever you do it, it will have equal power. Currently you are in a position where you could potentially wreck his life at anytime. Once you've done it, you hold no power at all. You're just 'the bitter other woman'.

For this, if not for one of the better reasons, don't say anything yet. Give yourself time to a) calm down and b) fix up your life. When he comes snapping back at you, surely you'd rather take the call from your yacht than from your bedsit, so to speak?

No, don't do it. It won't make his lockdown hell so much as his wife's. She doesn't deserve that when she can't even chuck him out or get away from him for weeks/months. And yes, use this time to look at the legalities of your dismissal from work.

I actually think you have been incredibly stupid here. What person with an ounce of intelligence messes up their work situation? If you got fired, then it would mean that this was not acceptable in a work environment. But yet you went ahead. That is on you.

And secondly, he has very small children. 1 yo twins? Barely had the babies, and yet you thought hes seriously ready for a whole new relationship. Sorry but you must be very desperate, foolish or just plain stupid to have gone for this setup.

Either way, you made the choice to be with him. Take a step back and think of the judgement and choices you made and learn from it.

I had a relationship with a "newly separated" man. Long story short, he was playing a game with me and was actually still with his wife.

His wife found out, and although I was dreadfully angry (and I'm sure she was too), I totally and utterly admire the lady for never contacting me....never causing any issues... not stalking me etc. Had I been her, I would have probably done what you are thinking of doing, and stirred up a hornet's nest. She totally rose above it and instead, made her marriage work again and they both focussed on their children and each other.

Could I really have competed with a 20 year marriage and lovely children when the chips were down? No.

If your chap already had moved out and had his own flat, it seems odd that he'd choose to go back to his "ex" wife, MIL and children during this lockdown, especially as the MIL in law is there to help.

Hold your head up. You'll earn more brownie points by not contacting her and at the end of the day, he'll forever be wondering what he's perhaps missed out on!

Please don't tell his wife now. I'm sure she knows what he's like already anyway.

I'm trapped in lockdown with my cheating stbxh and it's a terrible situation to be trapped in. I'm actually worried for my, and my dc's mental health.

Please don't trap innocent people into living in that situation. Your ex is used to living a lie and may even be reliably to have it in the open. But you don't know how his family will cope.

I reckon the op thinks his wife will kick him out and he will then have to be with her.

Reality is he would probably hate you for that and think you are a psycho.

Why do people keep saying the wife probably knows anyway?

Most cheated on partners absolutely do not know and it comes as a dreadful shock.

I always assumed that if you have an affair, you enter into some kind of silent contract whereby you both understand that you’re both amoral shits so neither one has the right to suddenly become holier than thou about monogamy later on.

(Talking about general affair talk OP - appreciate that this doesn’t apply to you since he was already separated.)

I hope somebody’s keeping their eye on his rabbit.

You got what you deserved for starting an affair with a married man. The novelty has worn off and he's gone back to his wife.

Op he's not the one starting a thread. You are so you will hear people opinions.

It you believe that he loved you so much In such a short about of time imagine being his wife and carrying his children....

That is why pp don't feel sorry for you.

You were ok to stay quiet while you got the golden cock and now you what to mess with his life especially in a time like this.
It's shameful

If it were my husband I would wnt to know. Don’t care who tells me. I don’t see that you’ve done anything wrong, and I certainly
Don’t see why he should be allowed to fool her/keep fooling her. What a prick.

Your own fault for getting yourself in this mess.

Just move on with your life

@Candyfloss99 nailed it, you need to take legal action regarding your job loss. What he did was an abuse of power, and letting you go because you are the weaker female is discrimination. You now need to take care of yourself and finances. Were you properly compensated when you left? Call an employment lawyer and get advice.

There are things I don't understand here.

The guy was married with three little children
OP said that he separated from his wife but didn't tell anybody in the office, so they all thought he was still married.
He and the OP openly carried on an affair in the office for all to see.
Obviously the OP and her BF had absolutely no shame in flaunting their relationship.

I can imagine gossip was rife. Their colleagues must have been disgusted with them.
I can well see why both would have to leave. It is not good for the atmosphere in an office when such behaviour is tolerated.

Honestly I would tell her.

He walked out on his wife with potentially newborn twins.
He lied to you - potentially about the separation.
Lied to her.
Could've saved your job but decided to sit pretty and let you go jobless uneccesarily whilst lining up a better one for himself.
Dropped you like a hot stone for no good reason.
Went back to his clueless wife and DC's playing happy families hoping you would just quietly go away and make it nice and easy for him.

Fuck. That.

She at least deserves to know (if she doesn't already).
I for one would like to know.

Yeah but she was having an affair with a married man with young babies (I don’t buy that separation nonsense) it’s not going to make him a decent guy is it.

If you tell his wife you are doing it out of revenge and are only thinking about hurting him, his wife and children as you know full well the impact it will have upon them especially as one poster notes they would be arguing and stuck together in the house due to the c virus and that is not fair on the innocent parties in this scenario. I agree his wife should know as I think I would want to know but also some women don't want to know. But the wife finding out from a bitter ex seeking revenge, is cruel. Your motives are bad as you are only going to tell the the wife to hurt your ex, you are not doing it because you are concerned about her in anyway. Especially as you want to send her messages he sent you to add maximum impact and hurt. That is cruel. Do you not want him and his wife to reconcile? If you really want her to know and you think it is in her best interest tell her mum or friend who will break it to her gently. Don't be mean to her and her children they are innocent and don't deserve it. And I get it, you feel hard done by as it was hurtful how he treated you but that doesn't give you the right to be cruel to others. You will have to live with the decision you make and it's consequences for the rest of your life. There is no easy answer here. Good luck op.