Things you need and want to say to your husband/partner during this lockdown but can't...

[asafeplace]

The CoronaCrisis is taking lives and shredding already strained relationships and some people are finding themselves literally locked down with someone they no longer like, let alone love. Covid-19 is real, and very scary, and no one would wish it on anyone. We all want it sorted, not least for those poor people who have it and especially those who are very poorly with it, or who have lost someone as a result of it.

So, for everyone who is really genuinely struggling in your relationship, if there are things you need and want to say to your husband/partner during this lockdown but can't, for whatever reason - maybe you don't want to upset someone else in the household, maybe your partner is fragile in some way, maybe you just can't face hurting their feelings, or maybe you just physically can't say the words - say it here.

I'll start.

Throughout our marriage, your refusal to honour any agreement we make that is important to me, has been and remains deeply wounding and has destroyed all trust. I can't believe anything you say or rely on you doing what you say you will do, because they are just words to you, without meaning. Do you not realise that I have grown to despise your behaviour? That now we have reached the point where you change the atmosphere of a room when you enter, and not in a good way? Do you not understand that I feel only stress and tension when you are in the house, and peace and relaxation only comes for me now when you are out? Trying to make conversation with you exhausts me. And thank you, really, for telling me that when I speak you hear noise. I really appreciate that. Thank you for your utter self-centredness and selfishness, for making drinks and meals only for yourself and not for anyone else. For using the last of the milk, bread or whatever, and simply shrugging it off as unimportant. Because of course it is. What's important is that you have your drinks and meals, that you come first in everything, that you have things your way all the time.

FUCK OFF.

@84teacher
I'm with you on the mother thing.
She's more important to him than I am - he calls her at least once a day and tells her every intimate detail of our relationship. Today I found out he has told her about my suspected peri-menopause and depression. He also jumps when she says - she is isolating at their holiday home so today he drove 20 mins to her house and back to put her bins out. But won't put a dirty mug in the dishwasher, or beer can in the recycling at home.

It's her birthday tomorrow and mine in three days - let's see who gets treated better.

Interesting isn’t it how so many husbands and partners are absolutely lovely to colleagues, friends and other family but can treat their wives and girlfriends with such contempt? Being taken for granted is bad enough but it’s the contempt that I struggle to understand. Is it because they feel they have “won” us so don’t need to try? Or because they feel we know them so well and have seen their true colours which others haven’t...they need to keep up their image of a thoroughly decent person somehow?

I once read that a loss of respect causes far more damage to a relationship than a loss of love. I wholeheartedly agree with that. I wish I could regain respect for my husband but I’m not sure I can. I don’t see him as a decent person any more.

Please, please stop going off piste with the sodding shopping list! we do not need any more frozen peas and we have a soup mountain. I've done all the thinking and planning, just stick to the fucking list. Also, thank you for buying the ham, I'd forgotten to add it to the list...

@AudTheDeepMinded I totally get that one!
I'd also like to add: "please stop buying mountains of crisps and sweets, and then complaining to me that you're gaining weight - as if that's MY fault!?"

To the outside world you are charming hard working and a good father and husband. Behind closed doors you manipulate the kids against me always playing the victim, I have to ask for money, you control every single thing I do, over the years I have lost friends and family due to you, which you use against me. Everyone hates me and you have no one, are your favourite frases. I have no confidence, you have been unfaithful, you don’t love your children when they have been ill you couldn’t give a shit, becoming historical if I do much as tend to them if they had a temperature when they were little. I’m in agony at the moment from a health problem you enjoy my pain and relish in the fact I have to ask you to help me. Over the years you have shut me in rooms pushed me around screamed in my face all when the kids have been out of the way. You say awful things about your own children to me and then are lovely to their faces. I want out now and told you so before lock down so you are now using this time to turn our grown up kids against me as they are working from home. You are the victim I am evil and no one likes me. I tried to leave 10 years ago but came back after 2 months you spread some disgusting rumours about me I crumbled. You own your own business it was my idea I started it up but it’s yours apparently as is every move I make. Why would I want to go to yoga don’t be so stupid was what I was told last year, of course doing something without you up my arse is out of the question I feel like I am not a real person, I feel so alone, worried about you turning my kids against me, but being in lockdown and not even being able to peel a potato without your orders, as I try and stand in agony to do the tea, I know that if I can escape this awful virus because as you say if I get it I will probably not make it due to a bad bout of pneumonia that has left one lung in a mess, but if I do I am going to a solicitor, I will leave this time you were my first boyfriend I was very unhappy at home, I was naive and young, your perfect catch. Well I hate you and I will get better and be free you don’t know the meaning of the word love.

user1497873278 do it. Stuff him. Stuff the stupid lies he may tell. Get rid of him and look after yourself. And get some therapy to keep you strong. Your story brought tears to my eyes x

For all the sadness, loneliness and fear on here there is a great deal of strength in your voices. You may not be visible in your own life but we can here you loud & clear, you are still there. Leaving is hard, even when it's a horrible place, but you will feel joy again and you will be able to breathe. I feel joyous handling all the crap in life because it is my crap and I can sort it out, it is not the crap of a situation I can't control when I don't know the cost or even presence of resources. Living with fear of reprisals is unbelievably freeing, 'mistakes' I make are lessons/obstacles and not cause for blind panic. Sending love, hope and strength to all of you..

@Straysocks thank you, I needed to hear that. I'm fortunate not to be in physical danger but I'm more hopeful now that I'm not doomed to be miserable forever.

Thank you he’s done much worse than I put down over the years, I will end it I have no doubt at all about what I need to do. It’s just being in the house with him using all of this situation to his advantage, having to defend myself to the kids because he is so careful what he says so they only hear my blunt reply’s or snappy ness all well timed by him obviously is all just hell, I feel so helpless and desperate. But trying to think positive thank you so very much when you have no one a reply from a total stranger is worth more than I can say, especially when you are in constant pain too really thank you

Sending strength to everyone who needs it. It is sad to read this. I’m single and separated from my now ex husband years ago. The posts here bring back memories and honestly it can be better on your own. 💐

user you arent helpless, you are actively plotting your freedom. Believe that you deserve far more for yourself. Knowing that may help you endure these final weeks. You can do this. Your children will work out for themselves who and what he is. Stay strong and embrace a new life that you control

If I may make a light hearted comment, I would like to tell DH who's wfh to stop telling his 'jokes' whilst on conference calls as they are not fucking funny and I've heard them all approximately 6296357865 times.

The recycling doesn't live on the counter top by the kitchen door. It takes ten seconds to open the door and put it in the bin.

When I point this out to you, it's not cause to become defensive and say you never leave it there. You fucking do. Because no one else does and it doesn't get there on it's own.

And now the argument is about the fact that you can't accept a request to do something differently without making a huge fuss.

But if you just put the fucking recycling in the bin in the first place then there wouldn't be an argument at all 🤷🏽‍♀️.

See also, dishes left on top of dishwasher, not put in it.

@PaperDreamsHoney I'm glad you have hope. It is undoubtedly difficult with children, which can S why we have to help us first so we can help them. Worth talking to an advisor? Refuge & Womens Aid give advice and Gingerbread is really good too.

I've thought of a few more today: it is not acceptable for you to spend 1.5 hours in the bathroom each morning, and then bang on the door 10 minutes into my time in there. You do need need 30 minutes to get changed, do your hair, look for your designer sunglasses etc just to come for a walk around our estate with me and baby. Quit with the showing off in front of our neighbours! Your fake telling our child off with condescending vocal tone sounds just like your mother!

Oh... And your mother... I despise her! She has cleaned her garage out 3 times so far this year, the shit you left in there has been there for 10 years, there is no urgency to collect it during a lockdown just because she wants it done. And quit buying her flowers when you go to visit. In 5 years you have never ever bought my any flowers!!!! And NO she is not coming to see our daughter and keeping a 2m distance, and if I find our you have been near her with our daughter while I am at work you can pack your bags and move back in with mummy for good! 😤

Thank you Windmillwhirl,I have been struggling so much just to see a response helps when you feel so desperate and alone day after day

Clean the toilet and OPEN THE FUCKING WINDOW

Turn off the bloody power hose, Im trying to relax & watch telly.

Why not come inside & wash the dishes (silently) instead.

How can you tell me (on my birthday) that you have worked out that you only loved me because I looked after you so well, and that now I have stopped you want to leave and have fun? I have asked you to cook two meals since lockdown when I haven’t felt like eating, and change the bedding once. Meanwhile I do all the shopping, 99% of the cooking, cleaning and laundry, childcare and home schooling while you sit in the garden for hours watching YouTube and vaping.

I’m dealing with severe depression after you made me emigrate to your country, and have only been here for 6 months. You couldn’t have told me this after 12 years in the UK so I could have stayed and not given up my entire life? Do you know what it feels like to have no one in the same hemisphere to turn to?

I would send you to live with your ‘real’ mummy right now if I wasn’t worried that the kids will have to spend time in that toxic house of alcoholics.

You might be so drunk you forgot exactly what you said, but I recorded it, and one day, if I ever need to defend myself against your manipulation I am not afraid to use it.
Your daughter would be so proud of daddy.