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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Things you need and want to say to your husband/partner during this lockdown but can't...

144 replies

asafeplace · 02/04/2020 01:20

The CoronaCrisis is taking lives and shredding already strained relationships and some people are finding themselves literally locked down with someone they no longer like, let alone love. Covid-19 is real, and very scary, and no one would wish it on anyone. We all want it sorted, not least for those poor people who have it and especially those who are very poorly with it, or who have lost someone as a result of it.

So, for everyone who is really genuinely struggling in your relationship, if there are things you need and want to say to your husband/partner during this lockdown but can't, for whatever reason - maybe you don't want to upset someone else in the household, maybe your partner is fragile in some way, maybe you just can't face hurting their feelings, or maybe you just physically can't say the words - say it here.

I'll start.

Throughout our marriage, your refusal to honour any agreement we make that is important to me, has been and remains deeply wounding and has destroyed all trust. I can't believe anything you say or rely on you doing what you say you will do, because they are just words to you, without meaning. Do you not realise that I have grown to despise your behaviour? That now we have reached the point where you change the atmosphere of a room when you enter, and not in a good way? Do you not understand that I feel only stress and tension when you are in the house, and peace and relaxation only comes for me now when you are out? Trying to make conversation with you exhausts me. And thank you, really, for telling me that when I speak you hear noise. I really appreciate that. Thank you for your utter self-centredness and selfishness, for making drinks and meals only for yourself and not for anyone else. For using the last of the milk, bread or whatever, and simply shrugging it off as unimportant. Because of course it is. What's important is that you have your drinks and meals, that you come first in everything, that you have things your way all the time.

FUCK OFF.

OP posts:
baubled · 06/04/2020 14:24

I could write similar to all of the above (apart from the nice ones) I can't wait for lockdown to be over to get out, it's pushed me over the edge.

I'm now worried that the majority of men out there will also be emotionally abusive arseholes and what happens if I get pulled in by another, not knowing until it's too late.

Mrsorganmorgan · 06/04/2020 15:16

After this is over I am going to divorce you. You lied and lied to me about your affair (it lasted 8 years that I know of - so more of a relationship).

This terrifies me at my age but I will do it.

I feel bad about this sometimes, in the wee small hours of the morning,
because you had a life threatening illness which means that now you cannot speak at all. Otherwise you are perfectly ok. Having said that it is like caring for a toddler who has some disgusting habits.

Most of the time I can't understand anything you try to say and you get very angry with me.

I must have done something bloody awful in another life to be stuck with you.

PowerToTheMeeple · 06/04/2020 15:43

We uprooted our family for you, tore away our children from their friends for you. I didn’t want to move in with your mum while we saved for another house, as the old one had no equity in it. You promised you’d speak to her before we moved. We moved into a shithole which I had to clean. You said you’d help discuss setting boundaries. You didn’t. We’ve been here for almost two years and I’ve had enough. I had a nervous break down after being here for 10 months, which meant having to take permanent medication since then. I’m sick of living here, lockdown has made it 10x worse.

I don’t know if I want to be married to you forever any more. I always feel the need to escape these days, yet I’m terrified of uprooting our children’s lives again. I hate your moods, I hate the way we’ve become. You never seem arsed about doing stuff...you’re allowed to have poor mental health, but when I was really poorly you forced me to come out to a pre-planned event, which I couldn’t sit through because I felt constant panic and the diazepam wasn’t helping. You had the cheek to say I ruined it when I begged not to go. I’ll never forgive you for how you treated me at that time.

I want to break free, but at the same time I’m scared to be alone. I don’t know what to do.

LovesNettles · 06/04/2020 15:56

I love you and enjoy having sex with you honey, but I am really missing my lover during this lockdown. I can't share that with you because it's supposed to be a casual relationship with him, but the truth of the matter is that I wish he was here in lockdown with us. I miss his arms around me, I miss his scent, I miss the way he looks at me, and the way he makes me feel.

Daisy12Maisie · 06/04/2020 22:08

Sorry to hear people are struggling but its making me feel better about being single.

Stillfunny · 07/04/2020 01:29

You think that if you stick around , I will be too weak to force you out.
But having you around all day makes me even more determined not to spend what is left of my life with you.
And I will take all the money I can.

FthisS · 07/04/2020 08:03

It makes me feel suicidal that you always go in a mood with me but won't tell me what I have supposedly done. It takes sometimes days of me saying just tell me please.
You rewrite what's actually been said or happened to make me question my own mind.
You have never said one nice thing to me, you have always treated me like shit. You blame me for everything that goes wrong.
You question every penny I spend. It's not child tax credits it's your money as a top up to your wages.

I wish I had somewhere to run away to, but I have nobody and no money.

Every little talent the children have is because of your family. The children loving animals is because your mother always liked pets not because I have raised them vegan. Being good at art not because I have always encouraged expression in drawing but because your mother liked drawing. Love of reading again not because I read on average 4 books a week but again because of your mother. Your mother was a toxic bitch who died 9 bloody years back.
Whenever someone says one of the kids look like me you pull a face and say no they don't they look just like your family.
You have never once laughed at anything I say. I embarrass you because I'm very introverted but you won't read up on introverts.
If you bump into people when we are out you will stop and have conversations but completely blank me and have never introduced me. I feel so sad just stood there.
If you died I would be relieved. I have thought about suicide so many times.

I get palpitations when you are around I'm that nervous and anxious around you.

Downunderduchess · 07/04/2020 08:57

Nothing to say here about myself, however, just wanted to say how sorry I am for all of you who are stuck with these partners during this difficult time. I hope you all find the courage & resources to leave/make him leave when life returns to normal. Good luck to you all. This won’t be forever, just focus on your future & how peaceful & freeing it will be when it happens. Stay safe xx

asafeplace · 07/04/2020 11:39

Flowers for everyone who has used this thread to say what you have been unable to or cannot say at this difficult time. My thoughts are with you all. When the Coronavirus Crisis has passed, I believe we will all be able to take first steps or continued steps on that path to a better (and for some, physically safer) life.

@Downunderduchess@ and others who have responded with kindness rather than sarcasm or judgement, thank you for not simply attacking this thread and recognising that those who are posting here are doing so because we cannot say these things at home Flowers

I hope this thread continues to support those who need to say what you need to say, even if we who read it are the only ones who will ever hear you. Stay safe and God bless x

OP posts:
mostlydrinkstea · 07/04/2020 11:45

Mine walked out before all this started. Being single after a long marriage is OK. Some days it is even great. Stay strong ladies. You have so much evidence of unreasonable behaviour if that is what you want to do.

mamato3lads · 07/04/2020 13:35

@FthisS

Your post brought tears to my eyes. I don't know what to say but I had to send you my love and strength. You must feel so lonely, please post again if you need support xxx

WhoAmIToTellYou · 07/04/2020 17:48

Your ‘business’ is there to placate your ego and you are stupid not to realise that 8 months of zero income means it’s time to get a fucking real job. Calling yourself a big title is more important to you than actually earning money you sad fucker.

You’ve been ignoring me as a person for most of our relationship and marriage, we have zero connection and no, i wasn’t able to forgive you going to strip clubs after our first dc was born. And that’s not my fault- you put precisely zero effort into that.

Guess what, i’m seeing a divorce lawyer in a few days and you have no clue. You have no idea i have this up my sleeve and still think i’m full of empty threats. You think i wouldn’t dare. You’re wrong.

SooPDoZang · 07/04/2020 18:42

Ive lost so much respect for you its unreal. Stomping about the house, slamming doors, shouting?

Who the fuck do you think you are? At this moment in time i want you gone. I'm so disgusted in you its unbeliavble,

nighttimetalk · 07/04/2020 18:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Carouselfish · 07/04/2020 18:53

You're an imbecile and I hate your hang ups and neurotics. I don't fancy you.

ColdTapwater · 07/04/2020 18:56

Yes we have run out of Milk and yes you do need to walk the 5 Minutes to the Shop to get some for our Toddler in the Morning, in case you have forgotten I am 32 Weeks pregnant with Asthma and 3 Weeks into isolation - I am not going to beg then praise you everytime you pop to the shop to buy something for our Child.

Goldwispa · 07/04/2020 19:03

Why do your problems come before anything else? I don't think you're suffering from migraine, I just think you say you've got one because you want to have a lie down or lie in. Let's split up and be amicable.

Helpamothaout · 07/04/2020 21:19

I wish when you stormed out last night without saying a word to me or our children that you hadn't come back. I know you gamble all of your money and you resent the money you have to pay towards our bills. It makes me feel sick that our DD told me "Daddy gets angry when you don't tidy up" as I sneak out at 6am to go to work - which has been horrendous since COVID & I am so mentally and physically exhausted that I have no energy to argue with you. I am working 13 hour shifts in hospital and you are complaining to our kids about a mug that's been left out. While you haven't been working for over 4 weeks now and instead stay up playing video games until 3am and lying in bed until 11am on my days off. We have nothing to say to eachother, our sex life is non existent and I know you watch porn every day. I also know you look for local escorts online & I do not care. My job is awful and people are dying every day, yet I would rather be there than at home with you. Nothing I ever do is good enough and I will never ever please you. I look forward to the day you leave for good - and no, just because you realise I'm pissed off and decide to be nice to me it doesn't mean all is forgiven. I'm fed up living my life by your rules.

Ronnie27 · 07/04/2020 21:34

Please stop making out I’m some kind of careless spendthrift. I’m trying to improve our home environment for all of us and you’re the one who knows how to do all this handy stuff, if you got off your arse and helped me plan and order materials and actually did something then it wouldn’t be costing so much but I’m sick of waiting years for any little thing to get done. Your inaction is not attractive. Feel better now! Grin

Ronnie27 · 07/04/2020 21:40

Some of these are really sad. Mine is just tight and lazy but an otherwise good egg. Feel bad for complaining now!

Kiki275 · 07/04/2020 21:50

I've told you many times; if I'm upset in any way, give me a hug and tell me everything is going to be okay.
It's a simple instruction and yet you've forgotten it.... again.
I'm grieving for my babies, stuck inside a festering house that I hate, with a toddler who demands constant attention. I have absolutely nothing in the calendar to look forward to. No one phones because they don't know what to say and I feel so alone. Then you don't know what to do or say either, so just clear off well out of the way. I just need a hug but I refuse to ask/beg for one!

Gingaaarghpussy · 07/04/2020 21:50

I am so very sorry for all of you going through this.FlowersFlowers
I am fortunate that I just have my cat for company. I hope those of you who have shit partners will be able to leave when you are able to. FlowersFlowers

HalfBottleofRum · 08/04/2020 12:17

You sit on your PC ignoring me and your son for most of the time. I have zero respect left for you. You might be trying harder around the house now you've not got work but it's 1. Still not enough, and 2. Too late.

You come to bed at a stupidly late hour and wake me up/keep me up with your requirement for sex. I just want to sleep you selfish arsehole. And I have to imagine you're someone else to find any enjoyment out of it.

You keep all of your earnings to yourself after paying bills (which are super low because I worked my ass off before our son was born) and expect me to pay for shopping and anything our son needs out of my meager tax credits. I can't wait for our son to be in school so I can get a decent job and can afford to leave you.

You get jealous when I hang out with my friends, but I understand it must be hard for you seeing me actually happy after not being with you, considering I'm so miserable when I am. But you have no right to be a passive-aggressive dick to me. I found the condom you used when I spent the night away. Despite my threadbare feelings for you, it fucking devastated me.

Mix56 · 08/04/2020 14:30

FtThisS please call Women's aid, they have seen & heard it all before, you can leave & live again. Your wonderful children will thrive. Please get out there are people there to help you.

Interestedwoman · 08/04/2020 15:07

I wish all of you that could tolerate their OH's if they changed all the best, and for those that have had enough I hope that you manage to get out as soon as possible.

Trust me, life is so much nicer without these cunts. xxxx

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