Things you need and want to say to your husband/partner during this lockdown but can't...

[asafeplace]

The CoronaCrisis is taking lives and shredding already strained relationships and some people are finding themselves literally locked down with someone they no longer like, let alone love. Covid-19 is real, and very scary, and no one would wish it on anyone. We all want it sorted, not least for those poor people who have it and especially those who are very poorly with it, or who have lost someone as a result of it.

So, for everyone who is really genuinely struggling in your relationship, if there are things you need and want to say to your husband/partner during this lockdown but can't, for whatever reason - maybe you don't want to upset someone else in the household, maybe your partner is fragile in some way, maybe you just can't face hurting their feelings, or maybe you just physically can't say the words - say it here.

I'll start.

Throughout our marriage, your refusal to honour any agreement we make that is important to me, has been and remains deeply wounding and has destroyed all trust. I can't believe anything you say or rely on you doing what you say you will do, because they are just words to you, without meaning. Do you not realise that I have grown to despise your behaviour? That now we have reached the point where you change the atmosphere of a room when you enter, and not in a good way? Do you not understand that I feel only stress and tension when you are in the house, and peace and relaxation only comes for me now when you are out? Trying to make conversation with you exhausts me. And thank you, really, for telling me that when I speak you hear noise. I really appreciate that. Thank you for your utter self-centredness and selfishness, for making drinks and meals only for yourself and not for anyone else. For using the last of the milk, bread or whatever, and simply shrugging it off as unimportant. Because of course it is. What's important is that you have your drinks and meals, that you come first in everything, that you have things your way all the time.

FUCK OFF.

Sending to all the posters literally stuck with arseholes.

As soon as this is over — please have honest conversations and where necessary, leave.

I genuinely wake up each morning (often after bad dreams where I’m still married) and my heart skips with happiness to be legally divorced and free. My friends and family have all remarked how utterly shit my lockdown life would be had I not managed to finally be rid of you

Your selfishness knows no bounds. You see me washing up, loading the dishwasher, emptying the dishwasher, loading the washing, drying the washing, doing the shopping, doing the cleaning, cooking multiple meals a day, whilst you play PS4. You never offer to help. You sit there, playing games, or on your phone doing whatever you want to do, whenever you want to. Relationships shouldn't be so one-sided. It's ridiculous that this has gone on for so long. For 4 years there have been traits of selfishness but now I know that you are selfish through and through. We both work. We both earn the same amount of money. It's not my 'duty' to look after the home.

After 13 years of watching your behaviour with others, I thought I had married a sensitive and empathetic man. Friends constantly told me I had a good 'un, my parents adore you. Now I wonder if you are just someone who 'blows smoke up people's arses' - the choice description you use for people pleasers. Because you have shown no empathy, only anger and dislike towards me recently.

Against my wishes, we moved our family to the opposite side of the world so you could look after the family business when your parents retired, and I have sacrificed the life I have spent 48 years building - I will only ever be a visitor in my family and friend's lives, I have had to give up a 25 year career, the home I renovated (you did fuck all and my parents gave us the money), the country I love and my independence. I have no income, just a card that you put money onto for groceries, I do not know what you earn, what the plan with the business is, and cannot ask - it's 'private', your family business. When I met you I was 36, solvent, fiercely independent had just bought the fourth London property I had owned. During our relationship in London I looked after all the joint finances but now I am a passenger.

I am lonely, scared and deeply depressed. Grieving for a life I loved. Yet you are angry with me. Pissed off that I am miserable, that I shout and scream and cry. Annoyed I don't want to spend all my free time with your family. I have told you that I am probably peri-menopausal. I have cried ever day for 6 months. Yes, I have been vile at times, but you do not try and understand why.

Even with Covid 19 striking the UK so badly and knowing I am desperately worried about my frail parents and the trip I have planned in July you have not softened or supported me.

You disappeared for two weeks isolating with your family, leaving me in this new country in lockdown with our two children and refused to speak to me for the whole of this time.

And to add insult to injury, you are a slob. You didn't get up before 11am at the weekend, you leave your dirty washing around, don't change the bed you are sleeping in for weeks. You leave dirty crockery just above the dishwasher, dirty socks next to the laundry bin. You do not thank me for food I cook and you spend all day on your phone. You drink far to much and become nasty and belligerent. But I can't say anything because you are threatening to leave me. In this new country that I didn't want to move to.

You are an amazing dad. The playing bit anyway. Couldn't do the other bit for more than a day.

I have no respect for you left anymore and no more strength to have all your problems projected on to me. I am avoiding you because you’re a nasty bully who shouts all the time and needs me and the children as recipients of your vile verbal and emotional abuse and violence in order to feel important. You say that if I leave I will never meet anyone like you again, and I am thankful - thank fuck, I will not meet anyone else like you again.

I can’t believe I made such a mistake marrying you and having children with you and my mind is full of thoughts of how I am going to unravel this without causing significant harm to the children. And constantly weighing up how much it will harm them to have to spend 50% of their time with you if we go to court, which we inevitably will, as you cannot stand to not have everyone under your control.

@justamassivefart That is my worry. The children. My husband is not abusive, but him and his family (who will do a lot of his share of the caring if we split up) all have a dysfunctional relationship with alcohol.
I'm also not sure I can cope only having them 50% of the time, especially now I am not in the UK and have no life here.

Witchesandwizards 💐 Your situation sounds unbearable. I wish you could just jump on a plane (with your children) and come back. So sorry this is happening to you.

You're a lying cheating bastard and you always will be. I'm sick of you wanting a fucking pity party about how you won't see your child as much anymore and how you have lost your family. You don't deserve me and I hate you. You are leaving as soon as lockdown is over you giant knob.

@Apple222 thank you. Me too x

@Witchesandwizards I have seen a few posts of yours on here. My heart goes out to you. I know it doesn’t really mean anything but I couldn’t read and run. Your posts made me realise how sure I am that I cannot relocate with my husband and that it’s right for us to separate. Please stay strong and believe you can build yourself a life, it won’t be the same life you had in London but from your other posts you’ve said you’re well qualified and experienced and you WILL be able to support yourself. You don’t need to live like this with such an uncaring husband who isn’t showing compassion or support for you. Your dc will love you for your strength and maybe you can all come home someday. This too will pass. Please believe it.

I need some space

Stop complaining about our children - they’re coping very well, we can’t expect perfection

Find somewhere other than the kitchen table to work - I can’t cope with not being able to pop in there or having to delay meals cos you are on calls

Why is everything my responsibility? Why am I juggling work, children and home and you are doing work and the odd load of washing?

Lovely response Fallingstars20 I agree with you. Relocating is stressful and challenging at the very best of times and one person usually drives it while the other loses out. Stay where you want to be. My heart goes out to anyone who is in this situation....who has made the move and hates it 😢

asafeplace...... Thank you for this.

First off, the situation that we're all in at the moment has brought me to the realisation that not only do i not love you any more, but that most of the time i don't like you as a person. We have our days when we get on and I feel like i can relax a bit, then other days i want to rip your throat out because of your stupid remarks and bare faced immaturity. You have a go at me for spending £120 in the space of two weeks on online food shopping then don't offer anything in return. What gives you the right to blast me for spending money on food for our family when you haven't even contributed? You don't like the idea of click and collect or delivery. Well i don't like the idea of walking around a supermarket being breathed on every 5 seconds so that's why im shopping online you ignoramus. I hate it when you talk to me like I'm stupid when you're the one who doesn't even know the difference between there, their and they're. I hate that you're so immature, angry all the time, disrespectful and just a plain arsehole most of the time. I love it when you are at work and dread the time you come home. I know deep down you love me and the kids but you're just a complete fucking twat at the moment and i so want you to change. I can always dream. P. S. You don't know everything and you're not always right you prick.

Aaaaaaand breathe.

I hate your religion. All it's ever brought me is misery. I gave up so much, so many opportunities, at your encouragement, and now I'm trapped. I don't care what your God says, you're not in charge of me and I can make up my own mind what to think. I wish so much that we could both admit that getting married at all was the wrong decision and separate amicably, but you'll never allow that because your 'faith' forbids it and you can't think or see or consider anything outside those limits. I don't want our children to end up like us. I don't want my intelligent, unique, ambitious daughter being forced to dumb herself down in order to be acceptable to a bunch of bigots or be told what to do by some idiot man just because he's the one with the Y chromosome. And I don't want my sweet, happy, caring little boy to grow up thinking women are there to service men's needs and do as they're told. I don't want either of them to think this is a healthy relationship, because it's not. I've told you before that if I'd had more self respect I'd have ended our relationship before we even got engaged. And it's true. I was young, recovering from a nervous breakdown and living with abusive parents, and you took advantage of me. And now you whine that I'm not 'tender' enough towards you because I don't mollycoddle you? Why don't you fuck off back to your mother? I'm sure she'll be only too happy to baby you and sympathise with you and tell you everything's my fault. Our children are the only good thing to come out of this marriage. I've wasted almost half my life on you. Sometimes I think I'd rather be dead than live like this. But if I'm unhappy it must be my own fault, or some unresolved trauma. Because you're perfect.

I wish you would see me.
I'm so bored of listening to you talk about your hobby and all of the things you dislike about your job. I'm bored of listening to your music, watching your TV shows. I'm sick of asking you how you are to hear something negative in reply. I'm sick of you moaning at DS all the time.
I'm sick of always having to be the one to initiate sex, you know it makes me feel unattractive and unloved that you don't touch me anymore.
I'm glad we can't go out anywhere at the moment - your refusal to ever 'make an effort' in the way you dress when we do makes me feel like you don't care.
I hate feeling like I have to nag at you to get a conversation out of you.
I'm getting tired of putting all the effort into 'us'.
There is no point in saying any of this to you, I've said it all in the past and you just sulk.
Sometimes I fantasise about leaving and starting again, and maybe at some point I will have the finances to do so.
I just want to feel loved and appreciated by you, and wish that just occasionally you would do something that I like doing, with me. I wish you would spontaneously put your arms around me and give me a cuddle.
I'd like you to be a bit more like the man I met all those years ago, the one I fell in love with.
And if you don't love me anymore, I'd like you to be honest and tell me.

God that feels better!

So many sad situations I feel for so many of you.
If I could tell him what I wanted to it would be I'm sorry I doubted you. I had no reason, you are an amazing partner and I hurt your feelings with my hormones and irrational behaviour. It is no excuse and I hope you can find it in your heart to love me the way you did before this arguement. I hate the coldness between us. I wish I could hug you but I am afraid you will turn your back.
Please hug me with your big protecting arms,I need to know we will be ok.

I know you are working hard at home to do your job and I know it is really stressful at times. I also really appreciate all of the stuff you are doing in the house alongside me (and yes I’m also WFH whilst doing all the home ed) but will you, for the love of God, stop being such a pompous prick!

When you pass your (ill-formed) opinions as facts and insist on having your say over every matter I really do want you to just shut up.

Why is it, when we disagree over anything you try hard to shut me down? You insist on having your say but I am told not to cause arguments. Do you realise how arrogant this shows you to be?

When you snap at me because you don’t understand something or when you blame me for your mistakes (perish the thought you should ever be wrong) you don’t realise what you are actually doing - any love I felt for you is slowly being chipped away.

You are a small man. You have poor social skills and a real sense of self-importance. Yes, you are clever in the academic sense but you have little emotional intelligence.

At the moment I’m barely tolerating you and I don’t like you very much.

I could walk away so easily if I had somewhere to go but I don’t. I love our DD but I never wanted a child as I feared it would tie me to the father if I ever wanted to leave. That fear has come true.

I feel stuck with you and I hate this.

Put your phone down.
Stop vaping in front of our child.
Do all the jobs you've said you are going to do for years, instead of pretending you are too busy.
Stop spending more time talking with your mother than me.
Stop nipping out of the house to cater to your mother's every demand.
Stop making plans for what we are going to do with your mother when this is over... I'm not interested in being belittled by her just to make you happy.
Stop treating my career that required a degree, postgraduate degree and master's degree as if it isn't as important as your lower-paid maintenance job in a quarry - that didn't require any qualifications.
Stop tinkering with your cars and motorbikes and finally fix my bloody car while you're off!

I've started looking for places to rent alone. I have a list on my phone of things I need to do when I leave. I have told no one, but I am leaving you after years of a barely existent sex life. I need to feel wanted again and I need to do shit that I want to do! I've been saving my money for me, not for a holiday after lockdown and not for our extension. I can't tell you right now because who knows what's around the corner but if we get out of this OK then I'm starting again. Sorry.

Stop shouting so much.
You're far too self important and follow the pattern of your father who quite frankly was a bully.
Find somewhere better to work than the kitchen, where we can't disturb you most of the day.
Stop criticising our child who is doing well under lockdown conditions.
Show you care for us once in a while.
I wasn't 'faking it' as you suggested when you reluctantly drove me to hospital 4 days ago. I needed treatment for my accident and hospital staff didn't feel the same way as you did.
I feel like you actively dislike me and I feel trapped and sad much of the time. I'm a nice person, have friends in real life who think I am kind and special. Why don't you?
And by the way to misquote Friends: It's not ok, it doesn't happen to everyone and it is a big deal! By the way, when you can get it up, women need kissing and foreplay, not just it being stuck in you in case you lose your erection...

What a powerful thread. Thanks OP for starting it.

Breaks my heart, your outpourings....

I have been through abuse, even while pregnant and am so blessed to be divorced long time (subsequent relationships of course), solo at home now with adult DS independent too in his own place.

Wishing all of you all strength to get through this and find the way to live the life you want. It's not easy but so worth it.

I was looking forward to us being a family but you have disappointed me as a father. You feel it's fine for our child to cry because they need to learn not to be spoilt. You feel I hold our baby too much despite the fact she will only nap when she is on me and apparently that is my fault. You forced me to get dressed and go out when all I wanted to do was sit in my pyjamas and recover from the birth. You feel it's better to shake the entire pram than picking our baby up when he is crying and all he needs is a cuddle. You refuse to give our baby to me to breastfeed because you do not feel the he needs a feed and I am feeding him too often. You believe our crying 6 week old baby is gassy and needs burping but that does not mean you should hit him harder and harder to get him to burp. Our baby just started sitting but rather than saving him from falling over, you let him so he 'learns' to sit properly. He has had a fat lip and bruise to his forehead because of this but you say I'm too anxious and controlling. When our baby was colicking and you shouted at me saying it was my fault he was crying so much you broke my heart completely. When I was crying in the bathroom and all you could do was shout at me when I came out, asking me why I was crying, you truly lost all the love I had for you. I have always wanted more children but I don't want anymore with you.

that I love you but

• you have put on so much weight, i fear for your health
• lockdown is not an excuse to drink 2 bottles of wine a day (not every day but still)
• that when you pulled away from me and tried to hide a message you'd been sent a few weeks ago and then said it was a surprise for my birthday week and then deleted it - I haven't forgotten, it's my birthday this week and I'm going to mention it if I don't see a related surprise
• that I desperately want to believe you love me like you say but I'm not convinced you do
• I know it's hard as your business is doing badly in coronavirus lockdown but your lack of contribution while I'm working my arse off is making me resentful. You can't keep spending from our joint account when you're not contributing anything, you're going to have to do something about it

chokka I'm sorry to say it but that is child abuse and you need to step in to avoid your baby getting harmed. Please try and see if you can't go somewhere else with the baby or kick him out.

@Fallingstars20 Oh thank you, it does help. Believe me, when you don't have anyone in the same continent as you who loves and appreciates you (other than your children), gestures and messages of support mean the world. I heard from a poster on my main thread who is in almost exactly the same position here in NZ , and her experience and similar feelings made me feel a whole lot better - less crazy and validated my opinions.

I hope I have helped you make the right decision - if I could go back in time I would have broken up with him then. Or at least refused to move and make him make the decision about leaving his children or not.