Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Husband has gone to another house

127 replies

smileandsing · 01/04/2020 08:15

I heard my DH leave very early this morning and get in a taxi. I messaged him and he said he was going to a friend's house and admitted he had been drinking (a whole other thread). I told him to come back right away as he was risking our health by doing this. Initially he said he was but it's been over 2 hours and he's not home.
I am really worried as he has breached the 'rules' and put several people's health at potential risk, particularly as I have a compromised immune system and we have a young child.
I think calling the Police may only serve to inflame the situation and in him getting a fine, which doesn't solve the health worries. Pretty sure the friend won't allow him to stay there indefinitely.
Any practical suggestions on what to do?

OP posts:

carly2803 · 02/04/2020 20:36

put your kids first.

In any normal situation, you would be hearing advice of chucking him out. For me, that still stands.

YgritteSnow · 02/04/2020 21:18

In any normal situation, you would be hearing advice of chucking him out. For me, that still stands.

And what would you do when he just lets himself back in or if you locked him out and he just broke the lock to gain access as he is legally entitled to do, or he sobers up and asks the police to help him gain access to his home where is he on the tenancy or mortgage and legally entitled to be?

Goingtogetflamed · 02/04/2020 21:28

OP I hope you’re ok. The tone of the thread seems unnecessarily harsh but now it’s in Relationships hopefully you’ll get some more balanced views. Good luck.

Dery · 03/04/2020 12:43

This sounds a truly awful situation. He may be lovely when not at the mercy of his addictions - my DH has some former addict friends and maintains they were some of the loveliest people he knows when functioning and that it is often their sensitivity that leads them to self-medicate with harmful drugs which then make them unbearable and potentially dangerous, as is the case here. They are all decades into their recovery now but their lives became very grim before reaching that stage.

Unfortunately, unless and until he goes into recovery and stays there, you won't get the lovely side without the dreadful one.

You may have grounds for a non-molestation/occupation order because of the behaviour you have to deal with when he's using such as now. If you call the National Centre for Domestic Violence (www.ncdv.org.uk), they can advise you on the process and may be able to refer you to a law firm to help you prepare the papers free of charge. I am discovering from some very recent applications on which I have assisted that the court may not order him to leave (particularly not on a without notice basis, and the first application would generally be made without notice to him) but it can in the interim at least make a 'zonal' order requiring him to keep away from certain parts of the house which are allocated to you and your DC. Given the COVID-19 situation, courts are mostly receiving applications by email now and then the hearing is dealt with by phone. Breach of the non-mol is an arrestable offence so it gives the police power to act.

Gutterton · 03/04/2020 13:11

I think that the alcoholism and addiction need to take a back seat for now.

The very big risk to you and your child is CV.

He has not been social distancing whilst in the taxi or shit-faced and coked up at his addict or dealers house. He has put himself at v high risk of infection and will pass this on to you.

I would do anything and everything to leave with your DC.

Gutterton · 03/04/2020 13:12

This also isn’t a one off.
He will do this repeatedly.
No doubt he has taken many risks to date.

It’s not if - but when you become infected IMHO.

SharkAttack1972 · 03/04/2020 14:46

I would use this time to buy some cheap door bolts either online or at a hardware shop. Next time he does it put the bolts on the doors.

Gutterton · 03/04/2020 20:09

How are things this evening smileandsing?

Original poster

smileandsing · 05/04/2020 10:39

Thanks again for all your responses. I'm sorry I haven't been back to update sooner.
After what happened last week my husband eventually appeared from the spare room on Friday evening. He was unapologetic for his behaviour as expected, preferring not to talk about it. Then last night he started drinking, became verbally abusive then disappeared again in the middle of the night. Since then he has repeatedly messaged much as he did on wednesday ranging between abuse, self pity, nostagia and vague suicide threats. I responded initially to ensure he was 'safe' but have not responded since I woke up after eventually getting a couple of hours sleep because it is not going to help the situation. I am extremely worried about his mental health, as I think he is perhaps having some kind of breakdown. But I'm also worried about our safety.
I've no idea what to do in the immediate short term. As YgritteSnow said the Police won't do anything because he isn't breaking the law (except for perhaps the distancing restrictions, no idea if that's actually 'illegal' though, and they would likely only send him home-exactly what I don't want). I can't really ask for medical help for his obvious mental health issues as he's not even at home. But this behaviour is extreme even for him and it has to stop for all our safety.

dery thankyou for the info and the link. I understand why a zonal order might be used right now, but surely that would defeat the purpose of an occupation order as the perpetrator would still be in the house? How long does it take to process an application for an occupation order? And what can the person at risk do in the mean time, especially right now?

OP posts:

Gin4thewin · 05/04/2020 10:47

The police can get involved as i would grade this as a domestic with possible controlling and coercive behaviour. Ie suicide threats etc. So i would give 101 a call. Can you order a door lock from b and q or amazon and change them? I would call it essential in this situation. Also if he starts kicking off outside because he cant get back in, there is an offence called 'threatening violence to secure entry ' as well as breach of peace, so there is options x

dontgobaconmyheart · 05/04/2020 12:39

You need to call the police and get proper advice OP, there is little to no point hypothesising about what can be done when you can just call just receive accurate info. He is abusive and is breaking the law (several by the sound of it).

I'd do anything I could to get him gone, he doesn't care about your mental or physical health one bit, or your DC's. He is an adult and is responsible for himself, if he cannot manage his own care as a mentally I'll person then the proper authorities can attend. He isn't your dependent and you owe him nothing. He has he no family he can go to?

AprilFloundering · 05/04/2020 12:46

He's threatening to hurt himself? can he be sectioned?

TomHardysjockstrap · 05/04/2020 22:23

Hi OP, how as the rest of your day been? Has your OH tried to come home at all?

Original poster

smileandsing · 05/04/2020 22:55

Hi. He hasn't come home yet but I suspect he will once he knows I'm asleep. He's been in contact via text though. Has been at the same person's house he went to the other day, most likely drinking.

With regard to him being sectioned, he would have to be assessed willingly or do something so extreme as to require emergency attention. Even at his absoute worst due to sucide attempts he was given an urgent referral then sent home for me to look after him (against my wishes as he was very unstable and dangerous at the time).

Today I called the Police around lunchtime because I was worried about him and because of how he has been behaving toward me. They managed to locate him and let me know he was ok. They were very supportive and have put in a report and advised me to contact the local domestic abuse team asap instead of waiting for them to contact me (I've had contact with them before) to seek advice on how to proceed. They invited me to come and make a statement about the abuse. However I cannot do that right now because of the current situation and having no childcare (I can hardly ask my husband can I?) They encouraged me to call them should anything else happen and to take steps to end the effects of his abuse and appauling behaviour.

With regard to the current restrictions, that didn't seem to be their main concern, but it has been noted. They could hardly tell him to go home given the reaons I called them after all.

I know what I need to do and that is to start legal procedings to separate, possibly try to secure an exclusion order too. I am scared of pushing the button but it is horrendous to live this way-this is not a new thing. At the moment he takes it to the absolute limit but avoids breaking the law. It's intolerable but I've lived with it for a long time and I know it won't change. If he escalates things I would call the Police. If he breaks the law he would most definitely be removed from our home and that would speed things up.

I do love him but this is no good for any of us, least of all our child. But it is such a huge thing to do

OP posts:

Gutterton · 05/04/2020 23:52

Well done smileandsing for calling the police. Have you anyone else in RL to support you.

LouHotel · 05/04/2020 23:59

Op the police are very aware of the heightened threat of domestic abuse at the moment, please do follow up how they've told you to as I think you'll get a non molestation order and he can stay in his drinking pit with his mate.

Can you put a chain on the door? Just to stop coming home in the middle of the night.

pusspuss9 · 06/04/2020 00:10

@smileandsing

do you have anybody that will support and help you?

iswhois · 06/04/2020 00:13

Do you have other family around at all?

Original poster

smileandsing · 06/04/2020 10:41

No family nearby but if it came to the worst I could go to my parents. However I couldn't stay forever as our lives are here.
They are very supportive but they don't know about this latest drama or many of the things that have happened. I hate telling anyone IRL about things as I don't want to worry them and it's so shameful. I don't want to be seen as a 'victim' or worse, someone who just puts up with this and puts her child at risk (not just as easy as saying 'no more' though).

He came back in the night as predicted. But we haven't spoken.

I will contact the domestic abuse team as advised and take it from there.

OP posts:

Gutterton · 06/04/2020 11:18

The alcoholism and drug addiction are a side show for now. Significant emotional injury will have already been inflicted on your child to date and it is up to you to manage this situation in the best way for all of you in the medium term.

BUT regarding CV

By staying in the house and allowing your DH to return when he has repeatedly been in v high risk CV infection situations YOU are putting your DC at risk of:

Having a v ill mother and no one to care for them because the DF is incapable and has abandoned them.

Having a mother who after being v ill is left with v long term chronic health condition unable to care for them and an DF who is incapable and has abandoned them.

A mother who is in hospital / intensive care for 3 weeks and a DF who is incapable and abandoned them.

And you know the worst outcome.

This isn’t an “if” - it’s a “when” and as you are immuno-compromised the outcomes for you are your child are dire.

YOU have to make some serious choices now. You need to leave to keep you and your DC safe. Any excruciating pain / shame (which is not yours to own) in opening up to family and friends is minuscule to the potential impact on your DC.

What do you need right now to be able to talk to someone IRL?

Scbchl · 06/04/2020 11:38

OP my DHS friend was like this and his wife did put up with it for a very long time as they co-owned the house. In the end she told his parents and hers everything that had been going on and that he couldnt be there anymore as it wasnt good for the child and them all knowing meant he had to move out. Anyway it was over a year ago and he has now moved back into the home after finally sorting himself out completely. Obviously there is a risk he may one day go back the way (he has many times over the years before he was with her) but has agreed if he does it will be over for good and they will divorce.

HappyHedgehog247 · 06/04/2020 11:45

I held off talking to my family for ages due to the shame and at first they weren't especially supportive as they didn't know what had been happening. As soon as they did, they were really supportive. If he is going to friends and going out to buy alcohol you need to be isolated from him given you are immunocompromised. Imagine if you die - your DC will have one alcoholic parent. I think there are 3 options for isolating:1. Isolate in same house- hard if only one kitchen or bathroom, 2. You and DC leave, 3. 'D'P leaves. Separating the relationship can go on the back burner if you want but physically separating to preserve the physical health of you and DC cannot wait.

HavenDilemma · 06/04/2020 15:33

@Alsohuman Sounds like you have a DH problem! He clearly cares about himself and his own health a heck of a lot more than he cares about you

Friendsofmine · 06/04/2020 15:38

Well done for taking some big steps at an exceptionally stressful time. You can do this.

HavenDilemma · 06/04/2020 15:39

Contact NCDV. They can get you an occupational order which removes him from the house for 30 days (regardless of him owning half), and allows you time to explore your options

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6