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Original poster

Husband has gone to another house

127 replies

smileandsing · 01/04/2020 08:15

I heard my DH leave very early this morning and get in a taxi. I messaged him and he said he was going to a friend's house and admitted he had been drinking (a whole other thread). I told him to come back right away as he was risking our health by doing this. Initially he said he was but it's been over 2 hours and he's not home.
I am really worried as he has breached the 'rules' and put several people's health at potential risk, particularly as I have a compromised immune system and we have a young child.
I think calling the Police may only serve to inflame the situation and in him getting a fine, which doesn't solve the health worries. Pretty sure the friend won't allow him to stay there indefinitely.
Any practical suggestions on what to do?

OP posts:
Lynda07 · 01/04/2020 10:25

What BigChocFrenzy said.

Enjoy being without him, re-evaluate situation when all this is over but prioritise yourself and child.

Good luck.

YouAreTheEggManIAmTheWalrus · 01/04/2020 10:26

@lowlandLucky the guy is an alcoholic with cocaine issues have you read what OP has said? But don’t let facts get in the way of a good story will you. He’s clearly got pissed and decided he needed a few lines and his mate has the goods. The pull of that is stronger than any woman, wife or side.

TheletterZ · 01/04/2020 10:26

Is there some where else you and your kids could go to? You parents, siblings, friends? If you can’t get him to leave then you might have to.

YouAreTheEggManIAmTheWalrus · 01/04/2020 10:28

@smileandsing have you heard from him this morning? If he has previous then the police more likely to be understanding. To be honest I’d ignore pp’s and ring 101 for advice as to your rights in this situation.

Michelleoftheresistance · 01/04/2020 10:29

Agree with BigChoc

He is prioritising his addictions over the lives of you and his children. His decision. That choice comes with the consequences of him needing to find somewhere else to stay.

Atleastthedoglovesme · 01/04/2020 10:32

This is what addiction looks like.

You cannot have him in your home if he continues to put your life at risk - and he will.

OldUnit · 01/04/2020 10:35

I bet his 'friend' sells coke.

pocketem · 01/04/2020 10:38

Why would you call 101 lol. They don't give relationship advice

kilisibird · 01/04/2020 10:38

To be honest I’d ignore pp’s and ring 101 for advice as to your rights in this situation.

Or OP could just use google for that.

Original poster
smileandsing · 01/04/2020 10:39

Thankyou for the comments and advice.
He was texting but has gone quiet so I guess he's fallen asleep or his phone has died.
The door is locked. I've told him I will leave stuff outside for him if he wants to collect it, and he should stay with his mate for the time being. You are all right, he needs to deal with the consequences of his actions, which he never normally has to, and I need to take steps to protect my child and I from enduring any more of his selfish, addictive behaviour. I have 'allowed' this to go on for too long and it's time to do something

OP posts:
Vinosaurus · 01/04/2020 10:41

I think, in light of current circumstances, the authorities may take a different view on his right to enter/stay at his house after the stunt he's pulled.

Yes, I know, alcoholism is a disease etc. but you can't put yourself and child at risk. He can go back to his mate's house.

gamerchick · 01/04/2020 10:44

This isn't normal circumstances, the rules don't apply and you need to protect your household from whatever he could bring back with him. You don't want to wish you had have done later.

It sounds as if you need long term action though. An alcoholic drug user isn't someone you want around full time. His mental health is not your responsibility. You can refuse to have him back.

StrongMama1989 · 01/04/2020 10:46

@smileandsing don’t worry I totally understand.. everyone going on about ‘friend my arse’ obviously doesn’t know that people actually stay up all night drinking and usually snorting coke and then move on to another persons house when all the gear and alcohol runs out, as soon as you said that he got a taxi I knew straight away that would be the reason! Very selfish. Not sure tho I mean do you want to make him homeless? Maybe scare him and text saying he has to stay at his mates now and lock the door but I dunno I think eventually you’ll have to let him in? I dunno it’s a tricky one

Qgardens · 01/04/2020 10:50

What was his response when you told him to stay away?

IdblowJonSnow · 01/04/2020 10:51

What zombie said.
Good luck. No one needs this behaviour in their life.

Lipz · 01/04/2020 10:53

Oh dear he sounds adorable, what a shit life you and your child have. You are worried in case you get ill, it is possible for him to get the virus and not know and have very mild symptoms. If you do get ill he can look after your child, now that would kill me because of his addictions and his tendency to fuck off in the middle of the night.

RockinHippy · 01/04/2020 10:56

Lock the door & he doesn't get back in until we get the all clear. If his mate is so important to him he risks his families health, he's a selfish dickhead. I'd be reevaluating my marriage too

YgritteSnow · 01/04/2020 11:19

My ex was like this. I understand why you are in this position. Alcoholics are like limpets. They'll do anything to stay in a home and situation where they can carry on drinking. My children and I had to live with it for years though I protected them as best I could. People always say "get him out!" as though it's that simple. Legally you cannot force him out, you are reliant on him being decent and doing the right thing. He will do the right thing...for him and that is staying in a place where his practical needs are taken care of while he drinks. I wish people would understand this before they criticise. How would you get an aggressive alcoholic out of your home who was legally entitled to be there, has nowhere else to go and is not doing anything "wrong" but getting drunk?

OP, is it likely he would stay with his friend and carry on drinking? My ex would disappear for days at a time. It might give you some respite to work out what you can do. I don't have much advice I am afraid, I only got my ex out when he actually broke the law within the property and was arrested. After that I was able to get him out.

Devlesko · 01/04/2020 11:23

Why are you with such a loser anyway, you have a child. ffs get rid of him and put your child first.
You are just making excuses for him. Call the Police and get him fined.
You can stop him from coming back if he's putting your life at risk, I'm sure the police would agree.
Pack him a bag, leave it outside and lock your doors.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/04/2020 11:30

I'm so sorry that he has put you in this position.
I don't think you should allow him to return at all, agreed - but if he insists, what can you do? Report him as a health risk to yourself?

Perhaps ring your GP (if they're taking calls) and ask them what protective measures you can/should take to keep yourself safe?

It's outrageous that he's doing this but it is, as you know, what alcoholics do - the drink is more important than anything else at all. Does he have parents you can call? I don't know if they'd be able to do anything either, tbh, because they probably wouldn't want him at theirs either!

Hope you find a way to keep him away.

BackseatCookers · 01/04/2020 11:31

Well done, you poor thing I'm sorry he's done this.

Ex addict here, I'd guess he went out to buy coke because he was offered the opportunity and didnt know when he'd get it again.

People need rock bottom to get help, you'd be enabling him not to put in place consequences that safeguard you first and foremost.

No judgement here, you are doing absolutely the right thing, he needs to live with the reality of his decisions Flowers

weliveincrazytimes · 01/04/2020 11:35
Shock

Only this morning I was complaining about my DH nagging me about not ironing his work shirts that he is no longer wearing whilst he now works from home.

He's an alcoholic. He was drinking all night (didn't know, but not surprised). He ran out and went to a friend's to drink. He also has issues with cocaine.

But this is a whole new level of DH problems! I think I would lock the door and not let him back in especially if you have a small child OP.

SocialConnection · 01/04/2020 11:38

This may be for the best. A selfish alcoholic cocaine user, who will not do what is best for his family - is that what you want for yourself and your child?

Could you see this as a 'turning it off and on again' situation? The chance to remake the next stage of your life without all this?

YgritteSnow · 01/04/2020 11:41

But this is a whole new level of DH problems! I think I would lock the door and not let him back in especially if you have a small child OP.

Legally she cannot do this. CV may give some respite in that the police might tell him he must return to where he was previously but I am not convinced of that. The best outcome for the OP is if the police get him to stay away and he gets his feet under someone else's table for a bit - poor them Sad. There is no way this man will go voluntarily. They never do.

Michelleoftheresistance · 01/04/2020 11:46

The police are enforcing safety for the virus, I can't see that they would insist that a vulnerable person must take someone who has just exposed themselves to a high infection risk back into their home. These are not normal circumstances, he is putting you at a very direct risk.

He felt it was more important to service his need than to protect you and his kids. The results of that are either that you suck up the consequences in the danger now and however many times again he does this in the next few days and weeks, which may be very serious consequences, or that he sucks up the consequences that now he can't come home until you no longer need to be isolating at home.