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Original poster

Husband has gone to another house

127 replies

smileandsing · 01/04/2020 08:15

I heard my DH leave very early this morning and get in a taxi. I messaged him and he said he was going to a friend's house and admitted he had been drinking (a whole other thread). I told him to come back right away as he was risking our health by doing this. Initially he said he was but it's been over 2 hours and he's not home.
I am really worried as he has breached the 'rules' and put several people's health at potential risk, particularly as I have a compromised immune system and we have a young child.
I think calling the Police may only serve to inflame the situation and in him getting a fine, which doesn't solve the health worries. Pretty sure the friend won't allow him to stay there indefinitely.
Any practical suggestions on what to do?

OP posts:
Wisteriacottage · 01/04/2020 09:04

You are in danger allowing an alcoholic coke head around your child and in that regard he has no semblance of what is kind and thoughtful behaviour.

He is reckless and selfish to the highest order and unless you are a fully trained mental health nurse you should not take that on as a project whether immuno compromised or not!

Please keep him locked out, involve the police if necessary and put your health and your DC's first because he has the genes of a selfish bellend which course through his DNA so no hope of changing him for the better, sorry op.

MitziK · 01/04/2020 09:05

I wouldn't let him back in again. Ever.

Nobody needs a cocaine snorting alcoholic endangering them and getting shitfaced all the time in their life, never mind at present.

kilisibird · 01/04/2020 09:09

Should I call 101 for advice

No. Why would you? They are not there to help you deal with a marriage problem. No crime has been committed against you.

or only do that if he comes back?

You still don't need to call 101. You are adults.

CallmeAngelina · 01/04/2020 09:09

Well, if it had been the case of him "just" going to a friend's house, then I think locking him out completely would have been an over-reaction, unless you also don't allow him to return to the house after going to the supermarket or to work.
However, the alcohol and cocaine thing is a game-changer.
Life is hard enough at the best of times, let alone now., without this sort of shit. Tell him to stay away.

Frownette · 01/04/2020 09:17

Why did he go? Had he ran out of alcohol?

I should imagine he'll fall fast asleep. It's not on at all he's potentially compromising your health, he sleeps elsewhere. You don't need that worry.

YouAreTheEggManIAmTheWalrus · 01/04/2020 09:19

Re 101, if he comes back and is getting angry/abusive/persuasive then you might need to call. He has made a choice, alcohol and cocaine over his partner and kids’ health and wellbeing. He needs to deal with the consequences of that decision. Stick to your guns here, you’d never forgive yourself if you let him in and you or kids became ill.

TheletterZ · 01/04/2020 09:24

If you are concerned about his behaviour when he returns then calling 101 for advice is a good idea.

I’m very sorry that you are having to deal with this. It is very hard living with an alcoholic, especially if this is a relapse.

Shitsgettingcrazy · 01/04/2020 09:24

You have an alcoholic and drug addict around your child.

But this is what's pushed you over the edge?

Thers many reasons to not have him back and corona is just one of them.

What advice would 101 give you?

You should only call the police if he is kicking off or a danger to your himself.

Not sure how it works at the moment, but you simply can not refuse entry to your husband to the home you share. Even if it's in your name only.

So all the 'if dh goes out for crisps he isnt coming back in', could find themseleves not having a choice in the matter.

stairgates · 01/04/2020 09:31

Does he have mental health issues. Not wanted to be alarmist but would locking him out push him to a different mental place?

Nomorepies · 01/04/2020 09:42

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

Original poster
smileandsing · 01/04/2020 09:43

stairgates yes he does have mental health issues which is why it's incredibly difficult to take serious action as the consequences for all of us are terrible.

To those who say I should just lock him out permanently, this is not only illegal, it's incredibly difficult to do. In the past he has been arrested many times because of his behaviour, sometimes taken to hospital for mental health assessment, but always released to come home. The authorities seem to consider his right to reside at the family home to outweigh our right to safety.

So coronavirus risk is not the biggest issue here, but it is a real concern. Who would look after our child if I were to get ill or worse? What if DC got ill?

I will lock the door and maintain that he is to stay away. Then I will consider what to do about the bigger issues

OP posts:
zombieapocalypseisnigh · 01/04/2020 09:49

Pack a few bin bags with his belongings, put them outside the door and bolt it. Text him and tell him you're packed up his things for him and you while you don't wish him any harm, you're done allowing him to jeopardise you're health and well being and actual life now, and he'll need to find some other place to live.

If he comes back and causes a scene outside, call the police.

Get a solicitor as soon as possible and take steps to make the split permanent.

zombieapocalypseisnigh · 01/04/2020 09:51

Can you not tell the police you told him if he left to do this, he agreed to stay away because it would be putting your life in danger for him to return? So he 'll have to stay/live elsewhere?!

Whatwedontknow · 01/04/2020 09:52

Well who will look after your child if you get ill now because he couldn't. Lock the door tell him this is the last time, if he gets arrested let him, tell the police or Doctors you cannot have him at home they will need to discharge him somewhere else. Don't keep protecting or rescuing him.

awesomeaircraft · 01/04/2020 09:55

As PP I think you cannot lock him out.

Re: a CV19 perspective, could he spent 7 days isolation at friend then come back if no symptoms?

Re: alcoholism , I would suggest posting in Mumsnet Alcohol support forum

GaspodeWonderCat · 01/04/2020 09:59

Pack a few bin bags with his belongings, put them outside the door and bolt it. Text him and tell him you're packed up his things for him and while you don't wish him any harm, you're done allowing him to jeopardise you're health and well being and actual life now, and he'll need to find some other place to live.

If he comes back and causes a scene outside, call the police.

Get a solicitor as soon as possible and take steps to make the split permanent.

^^ THIS

leckford · 01/04/2020 10:00

I imagine many addicts are finding lockdown difficult if they cannot access their drugs of choice. Can you access money as he could be spending everything on the drugs rather than keeping it available for food for all of you

pingbloodyping · 01/04/2020 10:08

What are the police going to do? Fine him? The fine wouldn't even stand up. Please don't call them, they're busy enough as it is.
Kick him out if you must, don't let him return. Is there somewhere else he could go?

lmcneil003 · 01/04/2020 10:11

Ride out COVID19 and then leave him if he doesn't get help for his addictions.
He's a sick man, and needs to get well before he can be a proper husband and father.
Not much you can do now OP, so plan for the split.

BadBear · 01/04/2020 10:11

Please, please, please let this be the defining moment you have had enough of him.

Dealing with addiction is not easy but it's not easy for the families of the people dealing with it either. And I know very well that it is not as easy as people make it out to be about locking him outside.

Don't let your child grow up around him, he needs to sort it out before he's allowed anywhere near you. There's a free charity support line helping the families of those dealing with addiction, it's called DrugFAM, please consider giving them a call. They have a wealth of experience and can help you get your thoughts in order. Can you in the meantime call his friend and ask him/her to keep him there. I suspect if he has been drinking all night and morning, he will pass out for hours.

kilisibird · 01/04/2020 10:13

If you are concerned about his behaviour when he returns then calling 101 for advice is a good idea.

No it's bloody not. You phone 101 is you need to, not because you have had a row with your husband. They are not there to offer marital advice. Adults are expected to sort out their own relationships and living arrangements. The police should only be called if he commits a crime.

No wonder the services are under pressure constantly. Some of the shite that Mumsnet would call the police/go to A&E/see the GP for is ridiculous.

Krong · 01/04/2020 10:16

He sounds like a real peach OP. If I had a man like this I'd be celebrating when he left. Lock the door and leave him to it.

lowlandLucky · 01/04/2020 10:18

Sorry OP but i think the "friend" maybe the other woman

FizzyGreenWater · 01/04/2020 10:22

You can fucking lock him out.

Put a bag on the doorstep, and yes I would call the police for advice, outlining exactly what his behaviour has been in the past, his drug and alcohol abuse and being clear that you see this as you and your childrens' right to safety outweighing his right to come and go as he pleases into your family home while breaking the lockdown rules.

BigChocFrenzy · 01/04/2020 10:23

Under normal circumstances, you couldn't lock him out

However, with your immune system issue, currently he is putting you at serious risk
Some police are being very hard on those who break public health advice and risk others

So, I suggest packing him a bag and leaving it outside for him.

Under these circumstances, the police may well not say you have to let him in,
if you explain what he is doing and that you are in a high risk group

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