Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Husband has gone to another house

127 replies

smileandsing · 01/04/2020 08:15

I heard my DH leave very early this morning and get in a taxi. I messaged him and he said he was going to a friend's house and admitted he had been drinking (a whole other thread). I told him to come back right away as he was risking our health by doing this. Initially he said he was but it's been over 2 hours and he's not home.
I am really worried as he has breached the 'rules' and put several people's health at potential risk, particularly as I have a compromised immune system and we have a young child.
I think calling the Police may only serve to inflame the situation and in him getting a fine, which doesn't solve the health worries. Pretty sure the friend won't allow him to stay there indefinitely.
Any practical suggestions on what to do?

OP posts:
Louise91417 · 01/04/2020 11:52

You and your child will never be more important to him than drugs and alcohol! Walk away for your own sanity! If he has any decency losing you will be kick up ass he needs to get help..

Sammymommy · 01/04/2020 11:54

OP, I haven't read the whole thread, but I just want to remind you that just because some people are very aggressive and patronising doesn't mean they are right.

Have you ever dealt with an alcoholic/drug addict? FFS

OP, if you are worried for your safety and your DH is out of hand, call the police. 111 or 999 depending of how much at risk you are.

Sammymommy · 01/04/2020 11:56

I meant 101

copycopypaste · 01/04/2020 12:01

Wow what a selfish tear he's being, does he not realise he could bring home a potentially fatal virus into your home, especially as you are at risk.

I agree with others, lock him out and phone 101 for advice

forrestgreen · 01/04/2020 12:04

What's your housing situation. Is he working.

ohwhattodowithmylife · 01/04/2020 12:11

To all the people saying don't call 101 please don't say this. This man could be unpredicatable and dangerous if high on coke and alcohol.

My ex was the same and 101 were extremely helpful at times, they can get services involved for you that can help.

Have you seen how many women have died in the last week from abusers? What this man is doing is abuse.

Please don't let him in, you need to get out. His behaviour will never change. I am free now and life is better. Please don't pig up with his behaviour you and your children are worth so much more x

Krong · 01/04/2020 14:11

Legally she cannot do this.

Of course she can. She is taking measures to protect her child from someone very drunk, potentially high on drugs with potentially threatening and unpredictable behaviour. Not to mention thread of spreading a deadly virus.

YgritteSnow · 01/04/2020 14:19

Of course she can. She is taking measures to protect her child from someone very drunk, potentially high on drugs with potentially threatening and unpredictable behaviour. Not to mention thread of spreading a deadly virus.

I've been in this position, more than once. I was not able to keep him out in these circumstances. All he had done was become intoxicated - not illegal, left the family home - not illegal. As I said further in my post, which you didn't quote, CV might make a difference to that though and I hope it does for OP and her child's sake.

Fantasiaa · 01/04/2020 14:48

You can’t lock somebody out of their own home. Ffs

YouAreTheEggManIAmTheWalrus · 01/04/2020 15:13

@kilisibird Google what to do about a husband with previous who’s gone off for a fix during lockdown in a pandemic when the family are in an “at risk” category? And what her rights are about locking him out because normally she has no legal right to?
Ok.

YouAreTheEggManIAmTheWalrus · 01/04/2020 15:17

@smileandsing well done, I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this shit. I hope you and your DC are ok. Take care and stay safe Flowers

kilisibird · 01/04/2020 15:46

@YouAreTheEggManIAmTheWalrus

I don't know what you are trying to get at but my google comment was made as part of my 'don't phone the police for relationship advice' point. It's not necessary. You call the police to report a crime not to ask what to do if your husband comes home.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 01/04/2020 15:56

YgritteSnow I am sorry you have been through this but grateful for your perspective. I am not someone who readily jumps onto threads advocating that a poster changes the locks but I do sometimes shake my head and wonder why they don’t. I don’t like casually passing judgment on situations I don’t understand. You have helped me not to do that in future.

BackseatCookers · 01/04/2020 16:23

Are you doing ok @smileandsing? Hope you're alright Thanks

PicsInRed · 01/04/2020 17:26

Look, a person can do whatever the police won't enforce against. She is at risk and locking him out. The police and family courts arent going to require her to take him back in. They just aren't.

Hold you ground, OP, say no he can't come back in, stand absolutely resolute and watch them tell him to sleep at his "mate's" house. They have other things to do and won't be kicking you door in to put a drunk, dangerous, possibly now coronavirus infected man into a vulnerable person's house.

CKoRn · 01/04/2020 18:23

You've done the right thing, also these are unusual times. He may have been allowed home after a MHA in the past, but at the moment that's unlikely to be the case. He'll likely get placed on a mental ward if he keeps up - it's too dangerous to allow drug addicts to gallivant all over the place right now. Talk about a bloody liablity - I'm glad you're keeping him away from your kid.

DBML · 01/04/2020 18:27

Alcoholic? Druggy?
Op, I’m sorry that your partner puts you through this. You deserve far better.

YgritteSnow · 01/04/2020 19:02

The police and family courts arent going to require her to take him back in. They just aren't.

You are wrong. The only thing in the OP's favour at the minute is CV and that she is vulnerable as awful as that sounds. In my DV support group I heard so many accounts of police being called and the man in question denying or claiming he was attacked by her and there is nothing the police can do in this situation. Especially if the woman is not badly injured. On so many occasions the most they could do was tell the man to leave the home for the night to let things calm down. My own cousin was arrested for assault after her husband attacked her and he made a counter accusation. Also how long will this take to go through the family courts? Weeks if not months.

I do think the CV situation could give OP leverage though and I hope so much she manages to keep him out. With my ex the police were able to give him a temporary restraining order which told him could not come to the address for two weeks I think it was and that was all I needed. He had actually committed an offence though and was later convicted. Maybe this could happen in this case? OP definitely needs to speak to the police.

This is why it is so difficult for women to leave abusive men and why I am so impatient with people who say oh just lock the doors or chuck his stuff out. A decent-ish man would know he should be the one to go and would do the right thing. A selfish, abusive alcoholic will do anything to remain in the family home and has the right to do so right up until he actually breaks the law and sometimes even after that.

@GetOffTheTableMabel I think many people find it incomprehensible how difficult it is to leave an abusive man who will not leave the family home. The expectation is always that the man should and will leave when relationships breakdown and he is at fault, but if he won't and hasn't actually broken the law there's very little that can be done if he is legally entitled to be there.

MashedSpud · 01/04/2020 19:27

You can’t rely on someone whose priorities are alcohol and drugs.

God forbid he brought home covid 19 and gave it to you he wouldn’t be looking after you or your child.

Keep him away from you both. He’s made his decision.

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 02/04/2020 03:36

I suspect that you.and your child would have to leave to stay away from him. I don't think you can kick him out. Pack and leave, you can apply for an occupation order later if he is has been violent. If not, you'll getvassets split during the divorce.

He's an alcoholic who uses street drugs, as he has proved, his next fix matter more than you or your child. Get out and get a divorce.

TheletterZ · 02/04/2020 09:19

How are you getting on today? Did your husband come back yesterday?

I hope all is well.

Original poster
smileandsing · 02/04/2020 10:15

Thankyou all for your advice and concern.
YgritteSnow I'm sorry that you've been through very similar with your ex, I'm glad you're happy now. Thankyou for explaining exactly how difficult it is to break free of such a man. Mine sounds just like your ex, but he is careful never to do anything that would give enough evidence to have him prosecuted.

To update, he stayed away all day texting regularly rotating between begging, self pitying and abusive messages. As I expected he never once apologised or acknowledged my concerns.
He came home in the middle of the night (we have one of those locks that a key can't be left in on the inside). He only stayed away during the day because he feared what I might do. But I expected this. I doubt I will see him til late afternoon, and then he'll want to forget all about it and attempt to be a good husband before the mask slips again in a few days.

I plan to seek legal advice on the next steps to getting him out. Much as I love him when he is being 'normal', this side of him comes out far too often and I cannot tolerate his outrageously selfish, addictive and abusive behaviour.

I spoke with women's aid around a month ago who gave a lot of good advice. But I know ending it won't be easy and there's a distinct possibilty that we may have to live together while separating, which quite frankly is terrifying as his behaviour is so extreme already. But this cannot continue.

OP posts:
EL8888 · 02/04/2020 10:18

That’s fine. But if l was you l wouldn’t let him back in especially to jeopardise your health or others. Just noticed you mentioned a young child. NO WAY. He can stay with his “friend”

MNHQ
LouMumsnet · 02/04/2020 10:28

Hi there, @smileandsing - we've moved your thread over to Relationships now, as requested. Hope you continue to get advice and support from other MNers.

Flowers
TheletterZ · 02/04/2020 11:41

Do you have anywhere you can go? It isn't going to be pleasant living in the same house when you separate. It could get very nasty.

Get advise and take measures to keep yourself and your children safe. Tell friends and family the truth, you will need their support.