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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do I do to salvage this?

106 replies

Happygolucky444 · 30/03/2020 08:17

Sorry, feel like we have all got more important things to worry about than my love life but would appreciate some help.

3 months in to an exclusive relationship that has moved fast...he took me away to the US for a long weekend etc.

He has some complex issues due to his past and I was not aware that March is a tough time for him. He basically blanked me as soon as we arrived home and after 10 days of no calls and only a few very distant msgs, I assumed I had annoyed him on holiday and he was no longer interested. I tried to arrange to meet to chat through which he cancelled so I messaged him saying I felt he no longer wanted this so as upset as I was, I was finishing things. I expected him to agree his feelings had changed but he said he was very sad, he did like me and felt it was a sudden decision. I tried to salvage in light of this by telling him why I had sent the message and how i felt about him and he asked for thinking time as he is confused. That was 2 weeks ago and with lockdown, I'm struggling massively. He text twice with things like "I don't know what to do, wish I could flick a switch and make a decision". My stomach is in bits.
Do I message him again to tell him how much I care and am sorry, or do I leave it and hope he misses me? So hard....

OP posts:
Original poster
Happygolucky444 · 30/03/2020 08:18

I should add, he is confused as I hurt him so much by finishing things and he felt I was different Sad

OP posts:
Sicario · 30/03/2020 08:19

Don't bother. You already know he's a whole heap of trouble with his "complex issues".

Put this one down to experience, move on, and stay well away.

YouCantBeSadHoldingACupcake · 30/03/2020 08:21

It shouldn't be this hard, this early. Dump him, block him and move on

Original poster
Happygolucky444 · 30/03/2020 08:21

Sicario, why do you think that? His issues are down to bereavement and his wife leaving. I should have been clearer. He is a bit controlling though and I'm not sure he is used to women standing up to him in the way I did

OP posts:
Windyatthebeach · 30/03/2020 08:21

Don't attempt to be his therapist. Issues or not he is a twat...

dollyknocker · 30/03/2020 08:22

Walk away. As hard as it is if you are feeling like this after 3 months you will have had a lucky escape. If he genuinely has issues that make him ignore you like that then he really should deal with them before getting into a relationship.

You are worth so much more than this. Is this what you want from a partner? Confusion and unhappiness? Sack him off and look forwards to a happy, relaxed relationship with someone who respects your feelings as much as their own after all this is over.

OhLook · 30/03/2020 08:22

It's nonsense. He's not interested and he's stringing you along and gaslighting you for his own satisfaction.

Original poster
Happygolucky444 · 30/03/2020 08:23

It's good to know I'm not 100% in the wrong. Have really beaten myself up over it.

OP posts:
dollyknocker · 30/03/2020 08:24

Telling you he is hurt you finished with him, after basically ignoring you, is a huge red flag btw.

Shitsgettingcrazy · 30/03/2020 08:24

So every march he is going to play the 'I dont know what I want' game and leave you hanging for weeks.

He knows the answer. He doesnt want to be with you. If he did, he wouldnt be pissing about.

He probably just felt like he should say he was sad you were ending it. Or not wanting to let go completely incase you are up for a post lock down shag.

Why would you want to salvage something with a man who is a 'bit controlling' and treating you like this 3 months in?

Bluewater1 · 30/03/2020 08:27

"he is a bit controlling though"
Oh I don't like the sound of that. OP that would be a red flag in my book.....cupcake is right....it really shouldn't be this hard this early on. I'd walk away now. If it's this hard and this confusing this early in your relationship... imagine what it will be like as time goes on. It will only get worse. He took you to the US on a holiday and then you barely heard from him in 10 days then he couldn't understand why you pulled away. Couple that with "he's a bit controlling" and I think I would run for the hills

Original poster
Happygolucky444 · 30/03/2020 08:30

Thanks all. Think I'll walk... getting tired of the "I haven't yet found clarity" "You hurt me and I thought we had something special, now I'm confused" "Still not clear, wish I could flick a switch" nonsense.

Actually I think if I wasn't in lockdown with two kids and a full time job, I wouldn't give this airtime x

OP posts:
Bluewater1 · 30/03/2020 08:32

Absolutely, focus on you and your family. You deserve better Flowers

Original poster
Happygolucky444 · 30/03/2020 08:33

Thanks all, have given myself a slap. Fully expect a message in a few weeks but will ignore.

OP posts:
Manyminieggs · 30/03/2020 08:36

He is a penis. You've had a lucky escape! Block him...at least he can't turn up at your door (sorry 😆). Seriously though, he sounds like an absolute tool. He's now using the the fact that HE behaved badly as a stick to beat you with. He's messing with you, trying to get you to feel pathetically grateful that he's 'decided' he will forgive you and have you grovelling to him. Believe me, he'll never let it drop either. You've already noticed he's controlling, and this is a supreme example. Run, and run fast. You do not need headfuckery like this. He's pathetic.

lottieloop · 30/03/2020 08:39

I'm glad you've seen the light OP.

Never ever continue dating someone anyone that drags you into 'therapist role' so soon after dating! He has unresolved issues.

Men really aren't complex creatures, they either want you around or they don't.

Also agreeing with fellow posters that the controlling bit is a huge flag.

Write him off, put it down to experience don't look back.

category12 · 30/03/2020 08:41

You're not in the least bit wrong. He went cold on you and you did the sensible, healthy thing of ending it.

His (possibly bullshit, but even if not) past doesn't give him licence to treat new partners like crap. If you have that much baggage that you can't be a good partner, then you need therapy, not to be in a relationship trying to make the other person tolerate poor treatment.

SambaMamba · 30/03/2020 08:41

Love. Isn’t. Hard.

Boom

category12 · 30/03/2020 08:42

You have healthy boundaries, don't talk yourself out of them.

curiouslypacific · 30/03/2020 08:42

Good job OP. If you have a wobble when he invariably tries to reel you back in (as soon as you fuck him off, I'll put money on him suddenly deciding he did want to be with you after all). Just remember that none of this situation was of your making. It was all him, he's not the victim here.

It's quite possible to be having a tough time but still be respectful. All he had to do was give you a heads up that he needed some time to deal with something, and to ask you to be patient.

He's either so incapable of empathy that he genuinely feels wronged, or is veering into abusive territory of deliberately setting you up to 'fail' a test you're entirely unaware of (and couldn't possibly have passed anyway) so that he can justify behaving even more badly.

So you've either got a badly behaved man, who can't accept that he's ever in the wrong. Or you've got an abusive headfuck who's testing the waters as to whether he can get away with escalating levels of arseholery. Throw in some controlling behaviour and neither option makes for a happy life.

Original poster
Happygolucky444 · 30/03/2020 08:45

I'm reading up on narcissism....lots of traits....running for the hills...

OP posts:
FenellaVelour · 30/03/2020 08:51

He may not have found clarity, but it seems you have.
Stick to your guns.

ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings · 30/03/2020 09:08

By "I thought you were different" he means "I thought you would put up with my totally unacceptable levels of bullshit, sit around waiting for me like a puppy dog, and then act as if nothing had happened when I decided to stop ignoring you". He's trying to frame your unwillingness to do this as a personal failing because he wants to be able to do it whenever he wants without you challenging him. And that's before we eve get to the "controlling tenancies". Do you want a relationship where you become a door matt, an unpaid therapist, and an emotional punching bag at least once a year? I say "at least" because once you're more invested I strongly suspect there will be many other occasions when he suddenly becomes so brooding and complex that he can't possibly treat you like a human being with needs and feelings of her own. Don't become a supporting character in his one man twat show. He will drain your energy and crush your confidence. Sounds like there's been a fair amount of loving bombing in the relationship so far as well. Do yourself a favour and block him so he can't manipulate you out of your normal healthy boundaries.

chipsandgin · 30/03/2020 09:14

Well done OP 🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️ it’s too easy to get sucked in to shit like that, especially if you are nice & he’s a self-indulgent manipulative narcissist! Sounds like you’ve had a lucky escape..

Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal · 30/03/2020 09:17

Leave him, no decent man keeps you hanging for 2 weeks while they “decide” this is a cruel and unnecessary control game.

Decide for him that your out and you will feel so much better without the uncertainty hanging over you.

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