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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do I do to salvage this?

106 replies

Happygolucky444 · 30/03/2020 08:17

Sorry, feel like we have all got more important things to worry about than my love life but would appreciate some help.

3 months in to an exclusive relationship that has moved fast...he took me away to the US for a long weekend etc.

He has some complex issues due to his past and I was not aware that March is a tough time for him. He basically blanked me as soon as we arrived home and after 10 days of no calls and only a few very distant msgs, I assumed I had annoyed him on holiday and he was no longer interested. I tried to arrange to meet to chat through which he cancelled so I messaged him saying I felt he no longer wanted this so as upset as I was, I was finishing things. I expected him to agree his feelings had changed but he said he was very sad, he did like me and felt it was a sudden decision. I tried to salvage in light of this by telling him why I had sent the message and how i felt about him and he asked for thinking time as he is confused. That was 2 weeks ago and with lockdown, I'm struggling massively. He text twice with things like "I don't know what to do, wish I could flick a switch and make a decision". My stomach is in bits.
Do I message him again to tell him how much I care and am sorry, or do I leave it and hope he misses me? So hard....

OP posts:
chipsandgin · 30/03/2020 09:18

Oooh, not sure what happened to my running emojis there!? They were a ‘woman running’ now appear to be a little boy creeping away from a gender symbol!?!! How very bizarre (& a bit weirdly MN)!! Eh? 🏃‍♀️

chipsandgin · 30/03/2020 09:20

Ok, now I just look bonkers & nobody will know what I’m talking about as my original post is showing the correct emoji!!! Ignore me, I clearly need coffee.... 😬

kaldefotter · 30/03/2020 09:22

Good for you in deciding to walk away. It's not your job to fix him.

HisBetterHalf · 30/03/2020 09:26

could that red flag get any bigger....

category12 · 30/03/2020 09:42

I see the boy running from the symbol, chipsandgin Grin. You are not bonkers.

Daisiest · 30/03/2020 09:59

Read the thread on here called dumped by text, and never reply to him again. Self absorbed prick.

Original poster
Happygolucky444 · 30/03/2020 10:11

Daisiest are you able to send me the link?

OP posts:
billy1966 · 30/03/2020 10:30

You lost me at "complex issues"...

Honestly....wtf....

Is life not hard enough....and relationships not difficult at times for people....... that they need to be in relationships with "complex issues".....not to mind children too.

OP, he sounds like a complete headfxxk.......and a twat..

Delighted you are finally seeing that.

Take some time to work on why you would allow yourself to be in bits over this man.. after 4 months!

Flowers
Sally2791 · 30/03/2020 10:38

What ByGrab says. He was training you to put up with crap, so he could have a lifetime of pleasure tormenting you. Be so grateful you’ve seen him for what he is before you are more entangled.

Original poster
Happygolucky444 · 30/03/2020 11:12

Thanks all. I was love bombed and got swept away by it. Luxury surprise holiday, treated like a queen and after a ten year marriage where I was given zero attention, I lapped it up. Lesson learned. X

OP posts:
Original poster
Happygolucky444 · 30/03/2020 11:13

I suspect I'll hear again at some point when he feels I have been punished sufficiently and has made up his mind. Think I'll be strong enough to walk away.

OP posts:
copycopypaste · 30/03/2020 11:15

Glad to hear you've made a decision and seen the relationship for what it is. There's nothing more to add really as pp have said it all

HollowTalk · 30/03/2020 11:22

So he takes you on holiday - all lovely. Then he completely ignores you. When you react by trying to win him around, he still ignores you. When you say you won't put up with this he blames you?

Oh get rid. More fool him for spending all that money on a holiday in March, knowing that was a difficult month for him. Or did he decide it was difficult as a reason for his bad behaviour?

NoMoreDickheads · 30/03/2020 11:25

^Block on everything, then he can't say anything hurtful again, and you won't be tempted to get involved again.

You stood up for yourself and said how he was treating you was not ok, and he tried to use it against you.

He will keep playing these games and you deserve better than this,

Candyfloss99 · 30/03/2020 11:25

If a man wants you he makes it clear. If he doesn't want you he makes you confused.

Original poster
Happygolucky444 · 30/03/2020 11:45

Don't understand why he didn't just end it.....the two weeks of head f*ckery is just bizarre

OP posts:
BackseatCookers · 30/03/2020 11:48

I suspect I'll hear again at some point when he feels I have been punished sufficiently and has made up his mind. Think I'll be strong enough to walk away.

Why on earth aren't you blocking him?! Do that today, he's the type to keep popping up for attention and validation. Lockdown is the perfect time to block - you aren't going to run into each other. Unless you secretly want him to message you there's absolutely no reason not to block him! Thanks

pooopypants · 30/03/2020 12:37

You've seen the light. So block him and he can't perform any head fuckery

Windyatthebeach · 30/03/2020 13:16

Surely you will be blocking him? Unless you think he has gone off for a personality transplant and will return reformed??

madcatladyforever · 30/03/2020 13:23

If you decided to go back t this relationship you could look forward to a lifetime of bad behaviour based on his so called "complex issues".
The rest of us manage to have complex issues and not make such a big fuss about them or make other peoples lives a misery.
He sounds like extremely hard work and I couldn't be bothered with it.
I'd be telling him to grow up and get therapy.
The next girlfriend will no doubt be regaled with how both his wife and you ruined his life.
Run for your life.

Honeyroar · 30/03/2020 13:25

Flick the switch for him. (bear in mind he will ramp up the “oh but I’m not sure I want it to end!...etc). Even IF, and it’s a tiny if, he was doing this due to previous emotional baggage he’d clearly not be in a fit state to start a new relationship. His behaviour is unacceptable on any level. Bin and move on (ignoring anything else he says).

CorianderLord · 30/03/2020 15:58

If it's hard after only 3 months it'll only get harder

CorianderLord · 30/03/2020 15:59

"I thought you were different" aka he's guilt tripping you because you're not willing to be blanked by someone for 10 days when in a fledgeling relationship.

He sounds like a cock

CorianderLord · 30/03/2020 16:02

Nice to see you saw the light and are walking. Too many women ignore the red flags x

Astrabees · 30/03/2020 16:04

Yes, I have been the victim of a narcissist. the pattern of blowing hot and cold is a method for controlling people. Never being sorry for anything he has done wrong and attempting to blame you is another sign. I didn't see the light until I found out about narcissistic behaviour 4 months after we had split up - it was "my fault" because I'd not been accepting of him having another woman for the previous 3 years.

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