Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do I do to salvage this?

106 replies

Happygolucky444 · 30/03/2020 08:17

Sorry, feel like we have all got more important things to worry about than my love life but would appreciate some help.

3 months in to an exclusive relationship that has moved fast...he took me away to the US for a long weekend etc.

He has some complex issues due to his past and I was not aware that March is a tough time for him. He basically blanked me as soon as we arrived home and after 10 days of no calls and only a few very distant msgs, I assumed I had annoyed him on holiday and he was no longer interested. I tried to arrange to meet to chat through which he cancelled so I messaged him saying I felt he no longer wanted this so as upset as I was, I was finishing things. I expected him to agree his feelings had changed but he said he was very sad, he did like me and felt it was a sudden decision. I tried to salvage in light of this by telling him why I had sent the message and how i felt about him and he asked for thinking time as he is confused. That was 2 weeks ago and with lockdown, I'm struggling massively. He text twice with things like "I don't know what to do, wish I could flick a switch and make a decision". My stomach is in bits.
Do I message him again to tell him how much I care and am sorry, or do I leave it and hope he misses me? So hard....

OP posts:
Cornhole · 02/04/2020 08:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Happygolucky444 · 02/04/2020 08:49

Why shit cornhole?

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 02/04/2020 08:49

Ignore them, they are they a troll.

Original poster
Happygolucky444 · 02/04/2020 08:51

You ladies have been amazing xxx

OP posts:
daffodil1224 · 02/04/2020 08:51

I hope you don't reply to the text! X

oreoxoreo · 02/04/2020 08:58

After the last text, I would never text back. Wrong man, wrong time.

lottieloop · 02/04/2020 09:08

Nah .... he's so full of shit OP.

Well done for acting with your dignity intact.

Huge thumbs up 👍🏻

I0NA · 02/04/2020 09:09

Yoive had great advice here op and well done for following it.

I know it’s hard when you are alone at home without distractions. But it’s not him you miss, it’s your hopes and dreams for the future.

You still have these, just not with him.

Guiltypleasures001 · 02/04/2020 09:50

Hi op

Can I recommend you go and look at the Mumsnet classics part of the forum

Will cheer you up Grinno end

pinkyredrose · 02/04/2020 09:54

Omg what a self obsessed twat he is!

Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal · 02/04/2020 10:18

That text is nosenical and contradicts himself. You hurt him, but I’m your still the right woman for him! That to em reads as I don’t want you but I want to give you enough so that you don’t move on!

BackseatCookers · 02/04/2020 10:30

Block from texts too. Block from everything, it isn't going to help you being able to hear from him on anything because even if you manage not to reply he's taking up headspace.

SybilWrites · 02/04/2020 10:35

oh god it's like a script. Mine said that too. It keeps you hanging on, gives you hope, that the right time will come.

It's just a means of keeping you hooked. Unhook yourself and block everywhere. Blocking is there to protect you, not to punish him.

Keep strong! Don't respond.

Astrabees · 02/04/2020 13:04

It takes much longer to get over a relationship with a narcissist.

DelphiniumBlue · 02/04/2020 13:12

So he's essentially said he can't see it talk to you because it's March?? WTAF??
You've dodged a crazy one, well done! Don't give him headspace.

conduitoffortune · 02/04/2020 17:54

It's honestly like this breed go to a niche school of gaslighting where they all learn the same lines. And they are all so transparent (as an outsider). This type of man will hold you to an impossible ideal and then debase you completely.

You are a source of entertainment for him. Messing with your head is his adult equivalent of being a little boy pulling the legs off an insect one by one.

He made you really believe you had done something wrong. He ghosted and then kicked off when you dared to question him about it, and THEN managed to have you tying yourself in knots trying to appease him. Can you see how crazy that is? Never, ever let yourself fall into a trap like that again.

There is no doubt that he will ultimately decide that although you have hurt him and let him down (🤦🏼‍♀️) he has chosen to let this go. This is the part where you are supposed to rejoice and lap up his forgiveness and vow to work harder to please him. Then the cycle starts again, and again until that's what your life is every day. The gaps between the 'bad bits' will close until every day of your life is made a misery.

If I were you I would send the coldest message I could compose, aimed to dent his ego as much as possible, and then block off everything. He's an utter cunt.

Honeyroar · 02/04/2020 17:57

Just block and don’t reply.

Original poster
Happygolucky444 · 02/04/2020 18:22

Thanks conduitoffortune. I've never experienced this before... The high ideal part is true; he was annoyed when I told him I dyed my greys.

I suspect after the holiday he realised I'm just like any other woman; he saw me without makeup for 4 mornings in a row etc.

I think even if I hadn't had blocked, I doubt I would've heard from him again as I suspect he is messaging the next victim.

OP posts:
Original poster
Happygolucky444 · 02/04/2020 18:23

Onwards and upwards x

OP posts:
SybilWrites · 03/04/2020 10:47

op there's a book by Patricia Evans - I think it's called Controlling People - which absolutely resonated with me. She proposes that these men have in their head a perfect idea of what a mate looks like. And to start with you completely fulfil that picture, but of course you aren't perfect, and you aren't that person. So as it becomes apparent that you aren't, they do things to try to get you back into line, to be that person. (and at the extreme, it's being violent to you, to get you back into line, but it includes the silent treatment, shouting at you, moulding you, controlling you)

My ex completely did all of that. Of course, we can't be that perfect person, so if your partner is like that, they are always destined to be let down. And you are always destined to be subject to their control.

It was a real eye opener to me.

SybilWrites · 03/04/2020 10:54

But he'll be back over and over OP, because the next woman isn't perfect either. He's always destined to be disappointed.

WelcomeToTheMountaintop · 03/04/2020 21:59

Don't understand why he didn't just end it.....the two weeks of head fckery is just bizarre*

Because this way, it was LOADS more fun (for him)

BumbleBeee69 · 03/04/2020 22:11

Christ what a simpering pathetic prick... glad you're not buying into his bollocks.. Flowers

EngagedAgain · 03/04/2020 22:15

Nrtft (are you still with him?) but it's said that it takes precisely 3 months for someone to show their true colours. Happened to me, exactly 3 months in. Unfortunately Mumsnet weren't around to kick me up the backside, and I've been stuck with an emotional abuser ever since. I ignored my gut feeling then, and I ignored it a year ago when I had the chance to get away.

Original poster
Happygolucky444 · 03/04/2020 22:27

Engaged again tell me more... what was your experience?

OP posts: