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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do I do to salvage this?

106 replies

Happygolucky444 · 30/03/2020 08:17

Sorry, feel like we have all got more important things to worry about than my love life but would appreciate some help.

3 months in to an exclusive relationship that has moved fast...he took me away to the US for a long weekend etc.

He has some complex issues due to his past and I was not aware that March is a tough time for him. He basically blanked me as soon as we arrived home and after 10 days of no calls and only a few very distant msgs, I assumed I had annoyed him on holiday and he was no longer interested. I tried to arrange to meet to chat through which he cancelled so I messaged him saying I felt he no longer wanted this so as upset as I was, I was finishing things. I expected him to agree his feelings had changed but he said he was very sad, he did like me and felt it was a sudden decision. I tried to salvage in light of this by telling him why I had sent the message and how i felt about him and he asked for thinking time as he is confused. That was 2 weeks ago and with lockdown, I'm struggling massively. He text twice with things like "I don't know what to do, wish I could flick a switch and make a decision". My stomach is in bits.
Do I message him again to tell him how much I care and am sorry, or do I leave it and hope he misses me? So hard....

OP posts:
Greybutterfly · 30/03/2020 16:54

Message him and make it clear that you are walking away because of his behaviour. You are not satisfied and have realised he will not fit into your life. thank him for the time spent together and wish him luck for the future. The message will really annoy him as he will realise he has lost all control. You need to come across as a polite strong independent woman.

You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you. It should not take him this long to decide. There should be no decision. He should have fought to save your relationship but he obviously didn’t believe it was worth fighting for.

SybilWrites · 30/03/2020 17:15

He does sound like a complete narcissist. I bet he's with another woman who he's had in the background.

Lovebombing, trips to the US, headfuckery messages - he won't dump you, but he'll want to keep you holding on. And decent men don't ghost, they end relationships respectfully and kindly.

He will be back I suspect.

SybilWrites · 30/03/2020 17:21

and yy on the hold and cold behaviour. It's designed to hook you in. Confuse you. Bond you to him. And it's working - you talk about your stomach being in bits.

Walk away. Don't message him. Block him and don't look back.

strawberrylipgloss · 30/03/2020 17:43

Lucky escape OP.

He clearly needs to be single and only date April to February or take some time to work through his complex issues if he wants a long-term relationship.

I think you were right to dump him (good boundaries there) It's quite frankly astounding that he's wallowing in "don't know what I want" mode when he should be explaining his moods, working on his issues and apologizing for acting like a knob. You are the one who should be wondering whether or not to stay in this relationship after his disrespectful behaviour.

Fruitandnuts · 30/03/2020 17:48

He’ll be back.....they always are. Years ago I was ghosted and had absolutely no idea why, days later I got the ‘I was sick’ ...then it was changed to ‘my father who I haven’t saw in years got back in touch and my mind was elsewhere’ all stories to gain my sympathy. Thankfully I didn’t fall for it.

Years later I get a random text ‘ive been thinking about you....you’re so nice, I had issues going on...would love to grab a coffee etc etc’ like I should be so grateful. Followed again by a story to gain sympathy...can you see a pattern here?

I played along and then called him out for ghosting me and his reason for it was....wait for it ‘we had a slight disagreement and both of us were too stubborn to admit it’

Now I have no idea what on Earth he was talking about, I presume it was yet another ploy to get me to engage. Absolute head F he is.

Do the same as me - Sack Him Off Angry

TopShelf · 30/03/2020 18:01

Here's the 'Dumped by text' thread mentioned earlier, op:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3800477-Dumped-by-text?msgid=94330505

Dontjumptoconclusions · 30/03/2020 21:17

Block him.

Too many people go no contact, then when that person texts, they are entertaining it (either by conversation or argument).

It doesn't matter what he has to say. Give him forever to figure it out.

VodselForDinner · 30/03/2020 21:19

Walk away.

He’s training you.

Daisiest · 30/03/2020 22:24

Thanks topshelf, I was trying to find it. That was a great thread.

triedandtestedteacher · 30/03/2020 22:32

He's talking rubbish. The trip away was too much too soon. You were quite right that he'd lost interest after and dumping him was correct. Now he's just stringing you along for a bit of light entertainment.

Original poster
Happygolucky444 · 31/03/2020 10:31

God. No contact is so hard when you are locked down alone without any distraction

OP posts:
category12 · 31/03/2020 11:12

Turn on some music and have a dance around.
Contact old mates you haven't spoken to for a while.
Play an absorbing game or do something creative.
Read some self-help books and the Baggage Reclaim site.

Cloudyapples · 31/03/2020 11:17

The love bombing and head fuckery was a test op. He was checking if you’d come running and beg for his attention.

SybilWrites · 31/03/2020 11:53

the previous posters are right - you are being tested. if you cave and contact him, he will have trained you to give in, to be ok with that behaviour. it's what he wants.

And if you go back, the treatment and headfuckery will get worse.

I've seen this in action (and sadly also experienced it). It's incredible the treatment that some people will tolerate, will beg for even, if they are sufficiently trained and groomed.

if you think rationally, and think back through your other relationships, it isn't normal to be this messed up by a 3 month relationship. To be this fixated on it.

BackseatCookers · 31/03/2020 13:28

God. No contact is so hard when you are locked down alone without any distraction

Talk to us Smile

If you have Netflix watch Tiger King. Trust me!

Original poster
Happygolucky444 · 31/03/2020 20:17

Watching Tiger King!! Thanks xxx

OP posts:
BackseatCookers · 31/03/2020 20:26

Ah I'm so pleased. Honestly it is absolutely fucking MENTAL! You can come back with your review of it Grin

Original poster
Happygolucky444 · 01/04/2020 20:42

Why am I feeling so sad after 3 months??? Usually I'm over it within a day....felt less shit when my 12yr marriage ended!!

OP posts:
category12 · 01/04/2020 20:50

You had hopes of this one. You probably had plenty of time towards the end of your 12 yr marriage to realise it was going down the swanny?

SybilWrites · 01/04/2020 20:59

I was the same OP. Felt more sad about the end of my relationship with a headfucker like your ex than my marriage.

I bet he fits most of the indicators of a narcissist/sociopath and you were well on the way to being properly bonded to him. either way, stay away - you'll feel worse if you go back for a second go, I guarantee that!

Unrealist · 02/04/2020 07:45

Don’t mistake that the churning stomach is because you care about him, it’s because he’s treated you badly and is making you wait. A long time ago I got sucked deeper and deeper into a bad relationship, thinking if only I can make ‘this’ better (this being whatever he’d decided I’d done wrong this time) everything will be ok and I won’t feel like this anymore. That type are also very charming and seemingly ‘get you’ it’s all an illusion to suck you into their world.

Original poster
Happygolucky444 · 02/04/2020 08:20

Update: I blocked him on WhatsApp but he text last night to say " I can't give you the answer you need quickly enough. You hurt me. I really liked you and wanted things to develop....right woman, wrong time. X"

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 02/04/2020 08:23

Bloody hell what a wanker. So he drops you, ignores you, when you end it, he blames his behaviour on you and makes it all your fault? Took no responsibility for how he treated you?

Not a good man op. Stay out of this one.

category12 · 02/04/2020 08:25

You hurt him?! Self-obsessed much. Hmm

Shitsgettingcrazy · 02/04/2020 08:28

Block him. On everything. Dont reply. Dont get drawn in. He is trying to play on your feelings, to make you feel sorry for him and get drawn in.

Distract yourself. He is still trying to shift blame. YOU really hurt him. It's the wrong timing blah blah blah

Non of it is his fault, is it?

What he means is, you hurt is ego because he thought he could keep you dangling and would take his shit and be grateful for scraps he throw at you.

You have dodged a huge bullet. Stay strong x