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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Massively overstepped the mark with colleague

120 replies

BlackCatFan · 28/03/2020 15:04

I wondered if I could have some advice. I've never been in this situation before.
I started a new job recently, it's well paid (for me) and I tried very hard to get it. Was pleased when I was offered it.

I started with three other new people. One of the guys I sort of noticed, he was generally friendly with me. I thought nothing of it.

We went on a training course and while we had some free time we ended up getting chatting. Turns out we have a great deal in common, especially music which is my thing. He what's app'd me a playlist he'd made. Didn't think much of it, thought I'd made a new friend which I was happy about.

One Friday afternoon we had a long chat about all sorts. I saw him talking to another colleague and as soon as I entered the room he cut the chat short and walked straight to my desk. That night he what's apped me and talked about weekend plans. Nothing weird.

A lot has happened in one week and we ended up flirting which has moved on to full on sexting. Including images......

I like him, and I tried to pull back but I wasn't strong enough. I genuinely think it will be ok at work as long as I'm professional and mature but I still worry about my job

I've looked up some policies and it looks like it's ok to have a work relationship as long as it doesn't disrupt work.

Equally I'm worried he just sees me as a shag

Does anyone have any thoughts on what I should do? Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
BlackCatFan · 28/03/2020 15:08

I should add I'm off sick at the moment and don't return for another week. It's easier to deal with this while at home

OP posts:
Cordial11 · 28/03/2020 15:08

Well you should be social distancing, shags on hold lol Grin

But anyway... you probably should of went on some dates first before sending pics etc but it's done now. If you want more then fun you should make him take you out before jumping into bed.

Original poster
BlackCatFan · 28/03/2020 15:08

I think I agree Cordial.

OP posts:
mamato3lads · 28/03/2020 15:14

It's easy done, especially with the current situation. He was obviously joining in, not just you, so don't overthink it. You haven't done anything wrong, but maybe hold back on those images as you work with him and yes, could be a bit cringe. X

Original poster
BlackCatFan · 28/03/2020 15:15

The issue is we can't go on dates. Nothing... 😔

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 28/03/2020 15:16

Are you both single?

Why did you send him intimate photos when you haven't even had a date?

Ifonlywecouldwishuponastar · 28/03/2020 15:17

Are you already in a relationship?

CoffeeRunner · 28/03/2020 15:20

I’m assuming you’re both single? In which case you’ve done/are doing nothing wrong.

It’s a shame you can’t physically go on a date or meet for coffee outside of work at the moment. Try to keep your messaging & sexting on a level you are comfortable with for now.

Racmactac · 28/03/2020 15:25

Yeah don't send images to another person. What were you thinking.

AnyFucker · 28/03/2020 15:31

Let's hope he doesn't share those images. What the bloody hell were you thinking, you barely know this guy.

AwrightDoreenTakeAFuckinDayOff · 28/03/2020 15:31

You don’t really know this person. Sexting and images aren’t a good idea with a colleague you aren’t even dating.

Keep it light and chatty. If he’s worth it, you’ll get a date. It will just take a bit of time.

MrsNoah2020 · 28/03/2020 15:31

HR-wise, doesn't sound as if you have done anything wrong, as it was consensual and I assume you're not his manager. So don't worry about work rules, but you need to wise-up about sending images to someone you barely know. You have no idea what he might do with them. Hopefully he's not a total twat and keeps them to himself, but learn from this and don't do it again.

AwrightDoreenTakeAFuckinDayOff · 28/03/2020 15:33

And I’m sorry, if you are sending him intimate images before you’ve as much as shared a night out, he probably will see you in the ‘shag’ category.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 28/03/2020 15:41

There's nothing wrong with a workplace relationship within reason, but it's advisable to get yourself established professionally first .... I'd say that whether you were male or female. Personally I'd back off and definitely don't send images that could be shared around the office. He might be lovely and honourable or he might not. Get to know him first.

Lilythepink99 · 28/03/2020 15:43

You are both consenting adults so it is up to you what you do, however, be mindful this is your job and livelihood. Having recently dealt with a case where it tipped into the workplace when it all ended and one of the parties submitted all the texts as evidence no one came out looking good. It was quite mortifying for them. Try and establish if this is a flirtation or something that may go the distance. Good luck Wink

flippityflobberty · 28/03/2020 15:46

Why can't you go on dates? Are you both single?

I don't understand why anyone would send images, but I can understand how the sexting can happen.

If you use Signal and set the messages to disappear, you have a little more control. (But still not a lot).

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 28/03/2020 15:50

sexting with apps, yak

sluj · 28/03/2020 15:52

I'm professional and mature

You probably need to re-evaluate that.

AgentJohnson · 28/03/2020 15:54

I genuinely think it will be ok at work as long as I'm professional and mature.

You sent intimate pics to a colleague you’re not even dating while being in a new job. I think the professional and mature ship has well and truly sailed.

dontgobaconmyheart · 28/03/2020 15:54

Not admonishing you OP because you can do what you like (without doubt) but I think it was and is incredibly unwise to send nude images to anyone, let alone a stranger (which he is and don't forget that!). I would be asking him to delete them, not that you will ever know or can control where they end up.
I wouldn't let the situation with the world as it is to prompt you to escalate things more than you otherwise would, and I think if he isn't trying to spend at least a lot of the texting time getting to know you as a person, asking about your family, calling on the phone etc then it's fairly obviously a displacement activity/fills a void/is a cheap thrill.

You obviously cannot meet him anyway and likely wont be for some time. See how interested he is if you take the sexting off the table and go from there if you think there might be something in it but do be careful, you don't know him or his morals from adam and he could be telling you anything at a time when there is no way to find out if he is dishonest.

I'd also be steering clear of employment issues in these times. You are presumably on probation if you recently started. Any issues or financial problems at work and you could be the first to go without a redundancy package as you will not likely qualify.

Northernsoullover · 28/03/2020 15:56

Oh my God did you really send pictures of your hoo-ha? That is really really stupid. If you do go on a date with him I'd be desperately trying to delete those.

ednatheevilwitch · 28/03/2020 15:56

Blimey sending him explicit images before you've even had a date might make it more likely that this is in the one night stand/list category.......good for you to be so body confident though. I would be terrified about where those pictures would end up......so wouldn't even send them to my boyfriend.

mamato3lads · 28/03/2020 15:56

Come on ladies don't shame her. I think she realises that sending images was a bad move, especially to a colleague.

However, you're not the first person to do this OP and probably wouldn't have done if you two were actually able to meet. I'm assuming he sent photos too, so hopefully he's a decent bloke and won't show them around the office.

I'd tell him. Say you're a bit nervous about all this, see what he says, it'll probably make you feel a bit better.

Live and Learn OP, it's not the end of the world x

SirGawain · 28/03/2020 15:59

Why can't you go on dates? Are you both single?
CoronaVirus!!!

Ginger1982 · 28/03/2020 16:00

If you're both single, there's no issue but I would slow things down a bit!

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