Is he manipulating me or am I losing the plot?

[NoMoreMarbles0]

First ever post so please bear with me...I have a bf...with his a year. I also suffer from depression. I feel smothered to the point my depression has crept in to the point it’s never been this bad, but when I try to explain to him he reflects it back. He wants to spend every single second I have free with me. I tell him I need space and I get ....I’m sorry for being such a good boyfriend....or....why would you feel like that? .....I barely see my friends and when I do he makes me feel guilty for it....but says things like ...’sorry for wanting to see you when you have free time’. He’s nice...people on the outside looking in think he’s prefect but I’m miserable and not sure if it’s me or if he’s manipulating...or is he’s oblivious to any of it. I told him I needed some time to sort myself out and he says....’so what you’re saying is you can’t be bothered with me anymore’ and ‘so it’s all my fault you feel like this, is it?’. But this is constant. If I don’t text saying I love you he messages.....do you still love me.....how much do you love me...why can’t you tell me you love me. Or if it’s not that he will message...do you miss me...how much do you miss me...do you miss me more than I miss you. And then his mum does the same, she messages stuff like....awwww he misses you, do you miss him. Or ....you’re lucky to have each other, don’t you think?...this is the tip of the iceberg. If I communicate how I feel he tells me I’m wrong to feel like that. Am I losing my marbles? Is he manipulating like I suspect? It is he oblivious?

Good for you OP.

I agree with others, it doesn't matter why he does this.

It doesn't matter if he's consciously manipulative or it stems from an unknowing place in him - the effect to you is the same, stress, panic, feeling suffocated and ungrateful when you are being yourself and being perfectly normal and reasonable.

Please don't cave on this. Coronavirus is so fucking awful that the only positive anyone can take from it at this point is a firm reason to tell people like him you will not be seeing him to discuss this.

Your decision is final and that's perfectly ok, don't let him make you think otherwise.

He'll be back OP (over and over again). Don't let him lovebomb you back into a relationship.

Well done!

@SybilWrites

He'll be back OP (over and over again). Don't let him lovebomb you back into a relationship.

Agree - this is why you should block him once you've said it's done.

Well done OP. As PP have said block and don’t engage any further. If you want to respond, tell him its over and not to contact you again. be direct and to the point. Leave nothing open to interpretation. I wish I had been brave enough to do it after 2 years. Mine, started exactly like yours and got progressively more controlling and abusive. It took me 22 years to leave. I was the slowly boiled frog. He destroyed me emotionally and financially.

You are brave and smart! Covid aside, life will now improve for you.

Good luck.

So....it’s completely done. I am sad...because I will miss the person I met and fell for. But I’m also so very very aware that that isn’t him....and so I need to try not to miss a person that doesn’t exist. Thank you all x

Of course you're sad, and that's allowed.

But try not to let the sadness cloud your decision. Eyes front! because a better future awaits you without him in it.

Oh dear god what an insidious little nag, I know a girl who met a guy like him, even down to the mother, 20 yrs and 3 kids on, they both monitor her every move, he eventually became abusive to her, cut her off from all her friends and the only person she is allowed hang around with is his ma.

She has literally aged so much in those years, he robbed her of her personality and her freedom and she gave up and let them win. When I see her on social media with him it sends a chill down my spine.

Well done on dumping him, he sounds so absolutely draining , imagine having kids with him. Good god

Very well done, OP. It's so refreshing to see someone listen to their instincts the first time alarm bells ring, rather than doubting themselves until they're married with three kids and no job.

well done Op. You have been strong.

I was so in love with someone and it's so painful to realise that you're in love with a person that doesn't exist. You have learned much sooner than I did. Good luck!

Hope you are OK OP.

I didn't know about mumsnet when I had this and I ended up marrying him. Utter disaster... Destroyed my mental health, very nearly destroyed me.

Well done for seeing it and asking for help and advice. Stay strong and safe!

thank gawd you got rid...

I doubt he will be able to see that it’s his behaviour that’s the problem.

I suspect his analysis will be “ Oh well she dumped me because she was probably cheating on me / she doesn’t understand me / she’s a damaged person and can’t appreciate a loving caring man like me “.

Sounds like my ex. Only it took me 30 years to leave, and my MH took a nosedive. He even asked me if there was someone else, probably because he could never (and still can't) see his own behaviour was the issue.

OP, I'm glad you're out, and don't worry about what he's thinking of you/saying about you or anything like that. It'll probably surprise you have many people actually see through the public face he presents. I had so many people telling me they don't like my ex and that they were glad I was away from him. I've even heard about comments from his BIL, someone my ex didn't like so we didn't see.

He’s done everything people said he would do....name calling, flipping everything back on me...messaging me but then asking me not to pester him...I’m heartless, I’m a liar, I’m a fake...he sees me for what I really am now. He’s never done a thing wrong...I’m evil. This man is actually a textbook manipulator and this group helped me see more clear and that it wasn’t all in my head. Despite his best efforts for him to make me think I’m the problem (although I know I’m not perfect) I am very glad to be separated from this lunatic coz he’s on a complete other level and what’s worse is he denies all knowledge and I actually think he’s fully aware. Thank you to everyone who posted. I’m a free woman now x

Well done OP, his behaviour now is textbook as you say.

Normal, healthy man would be, ok I’m sorry it’s over, and give you space.

Thank god you got rid. Block him now if you can.

Be prepared for the threats to top himself now too. Just ignore him.

Just ignore block him

That's better

I agree with @Buggedandconfused. He will threaten to take his own life.

Or turn up at your house / work claiming he’s worried about your mental health ( because the only reason would dump him is that you are crazy obviously ).

Or contact your friends / family / work saying he’s worried.

Or stalk you to see who you are dating now ( so easy to date in a lockdown ).

I’m glad you are staying strong OP. Do you have RL support ?

Well done op.

Lunatic is the right word.

well done OP stay strong

Well done!

It’s literally the best thing I’ve done...he even tried to twist what my therapist had told me ...steps to help me get better in terms of my depression and he even managed to twist that!! I talked to them about him and they said what you guys have...he is a manipulator and he probably always have been. Certainly makes sense now. Now he’s realised I don’t want him he tried turning nasty and I replied (stupidly) for a little while but I won’t fall for that again. He’ll cry to other people (literally) and I’ll be the worst person in the world but I honestly couldn’t care less what he says...121 responses on this thread and not a single person thinks his behaviour is normal...if only he could read this lol, but then he’d only say I’m lying...or the whole world is wrong except him ha. Good bloody riddance I say...should have done it sooner x

Thanks for the update. It's such good news. Mumsnet at its best can be so life enhancing. Your future looks bright, without that dead weight.

Just had a dead if this as I posted the thread and I honestly can’t believe I was this person....this person who could be treated like that and then doubt myself!!! I can’t thank mumsnet enough...I blocked and never looked back. I started receiving disturbing things in the post but I have bow moved house and he has no way of contacting me. Reading these posts now....on the outside looking in......make it so clear I was being manipulated but I honestly didn’t realise the extent, and my own mental health suffered, as I questioned myself before I questioned him. You’re all strangers to me but this thread honestly changed my life and I’m ever so grateful xx

@NoMoreMarbles0 - thank you for the update. That’s great news!

This saved my life...suicide had crossed my mind in my lowest moments x