Is he manipulating me or am I losing the plot?

[NoMoreMarbles0]

First ever post so please bear with me...I have a bf...with his a year. I also suffer from depression. I feel smothered to the point my depression has crept in to the point it’s never been this bad, but when I try to explain to him he reflects it back. He wants to spend every single second I have free with me. I tell him I need space and I get ....I’m sorry for being such a good boyfriend....or....why would you feel like that? .....I barely see my friends and when I do he makes me feel guilty for it....but says things like ...’sorry for wanting to see you when you have free time’. He’s nice...people on the outside looking in think he’s prefect but I’m miserable and not sure if it’s me or if he’s manipulating...or is he’s oblivious to any of it. I told him I needed some time to sort myself out and he says....’so what you’re saying is you can’t be bothered with me anymore’ and ‘so it’s all my fault you feel like this, is it?’. But this is constant. If I don’t text saying I love you he messages.....do you still love me.....how much do you love me...why can’t you tell me you love me. Or if it’s not that he will message...do you miss me...how much do you miss me...do you miss me more than I miss you. And then his mum does the same, she messages stuff like....awwww he misses you, do you miss him. Or ....you’re lucky to have each other, don’t you think?...this is the tip of the iceberg. If I communicate how I feel he tells me I’m wrong to feel like that. Am I losing my marbles? Is he manipulating like I suspect? It is he oblivious?

Yeah. I’m not replying today. Meant to be seeing him Monday and I’ve said no. Just need to give myself a few days to gather my thoughts and then he’s got to go. I can’t keep questioning my own sanity for the sake of his.

Well done. Monday you tell him it’s over, then block him and mother. If he turns up. It’s the police also social distancing as well, he’ll be out of line there as well.

Perfect excuse for you with this awful situation government guidelines not seeing anyone other than who you live with social
Isolation just keep doing the broken record and let him find someone else to manipulate

Can you self-isolate for 14 days? That would start the ball rolling.

Yes he is manipulating you! Think it comes under coercive control? My ex did this to me...he'd also stop me sleeping by questioning me then when u got so upset I pleaded with him to stop so I could sleep he would make me feel terrible. Graduated over time to mental torment, shoving, hair pulling, public humiliation and eventually he put his hands round me throat....I was 22...we had 2 children...I kicked him out and I raised our kids alone until I met my husband 18 months later! We've been together 10 years and he couldn't be a better husband or person - my soulmate! What I'm trying to say is no matter how hopeless you feel you can leave them...please don't let him destroy you...my ex destroyed me and it's taken a long time for me to feel better...xx

Sorry typing on my phone so apologies for the typos!!! 🙈🙈

You shouldn't have to do this, but I would tell him you have coronavirus symptoms and you're now self isolating for 14 days. Then you can tell him in a few days it's over but also say you won't be meeting to talk it over etc. because of being infected. He sounds very pushy so any reason to help you in doing this I think is fair game.

You need to get shut. He will get worse if you stay in this.

The virus might actually work....I look after infected people so I could just say that I will only be going to work and home and no contact with anyone else in between because of risk. This will give the breathing space I need to gather my thoughts and get rid x

I got to this point in your OP
"every single second I have free with me"
And thought

Nooooooo not normal.

Glad you palmed him off to Monday but def just end it, that's just not normal.

I went out with a man like this too - he wanted to be with me all the time. Facetimed and messaged constantly, wanted me to see him instead of friends, or meet him at the end of the evening if I did go out with friends. He once didn't talk to me for hours because I said no to him coming into the bathroom with me in the morning.

he ramped up the control over the years - became extremely controlling, in every way, was obsessed with me becoming pregnant, and ended up being violent.

I think you need to run - make an excuse to stop seeing him, get some distance, and then you'll see more clearly.

Hi op

He chose you because you are vulnerable, people like him can sniff out
Another's weaknesses and exploit them

Quite simply he is the predator and you are the prey
He's the cat with his paw on the mouses tail, watching it trying
To pull away.

He will harm you mentally and possibly already has
He does not care for you in the conventional sense
This is a game to him
If that is his mother texting that's where he learned all this
I suspect it might be him on another number
I also suspect you are not the first
I would be googling his name and see what comes up op
Is it Claire's Law? Ask the police to look in to him quietly

Take care

How have you put up with this for a year is the real question.

He's a nasty, bullying little nag....taking your peace OP.

Your posts read of a woman who is harassed and bothered by him.

Get away from him and while it wont cure depression.... I bet you will feel relief.

I should want to but I don’t, it’s why I question if I’m the problem

Feeling like that doesn't mean that 'you're the problem' - you don't want to spend time with someone who pressures you, tells you how you should be feeling, insists on having things their way all the time, impinges on your personal time to the extent that it affects your mental health and blames you for any discord between you. I wouldn't want to spend time with him either - most people would avoid at all costs as you can see!

You don't need his permission to ditch him - you don't have to have a 'good enough' reason, or to absolve him of any blame for the situation. You can just tell him that you don't want the relationship any more with no requirement for explanation or justification, whatever he might say. If one good thing comes out of corona virus, it can be that you socially distance yourself from him for good.

OP, thank goodness you are seeing that this is not a healthy relationship, he is not a healthy man. My daughter went out with a guy like this, it was a miserable existence for her and finally she ended it and was free. She met someone healthy and lovely.
Definitely take 2 weeks (or more) isolation and end it with him as soon as you are able.

Thank you everyone. This has helped

He thinks he owns you. He actually sounds really scary. This is abusive behaviour. End it ASAP. Look after yourself. Be aware that he may try to harm you as you pull away (he will definitely harm you if you stay). Do not hesitate to alert the police if you feel threatened.

I think you have the measure of him OP. Stay safe. XX

The only reason people like this (mostly men, I'll say it and take the flack .. I rarely hear about women acting like this) don't just get straight to business and lock you in a cage in their house is because irritating things like the law, the police, your family etc. get in their way.

There's no curing crazy like this, he'll.dk this to every woman he gets involved with fur as long as they take it. Just pity the poor fuckers in his future.

I felt suffocated and stressed a few lines into your description btw.

OMG! This sent shivers down my spine. I’m sorry but you need to end this and end it now. You need to then have no more contact with him. He Will beg and plead and when he doesn’t get anywhere he will turn nasty. Classic abuser. You need to be very strong. But you must do it.

Fyi OP... a lot of us feel genuine shivers when we read posts like yours and many others on MN...we just know they are wrong....wrong on every level....these are guys that you NEVER , EVER, want everyone you love, and care about....never....ever.. to meet.....bad, bad eggs...

Please don’t think I I’m naive...but he’s either completely oblivious to all of this or he needs an Oscar x

He doesn’t need an Oscar. He’s not acting - this is who he is. It’s how he has learned to behave towards other people . He goes on doing it because it works, at least some of the time.

@NoMoreMarbles0 - I0NA has got it right. It is simply how he is. You cannot change him; and he almost certainly cannot change himself.

Can you, however, change yourself enough to leave him? That is the one place you have power. Please use it wisely.

Only read the first page so far. I remember the alexa thread.

His mum phones you!

I'd tell him it's over then block him on everything.