Is he manipulating me or am I losing the plot?

[NoMoreMarbles0]

First ever post so please bear with me...I have a bf...with his a year. I also suffer from depression. I feel smothered to the point my depression has crept in to the point it’s never been this bad, but when I try to explain to him he reflects it back. He wants to spend every single second I have free with me. I tell him I need space and I get ....I’m sorry for being such a good boyfriend....or....why would you feel like that? .....I barely see my friends and when I do he makes me feel guilty for it....but says things like ...’sorry for wanting to see you when you have free time’. He’s nice...people on the outside looking in think he’s prefect but I’m miserable and not sure if it’s me or if he’s manipulating...or is he’s oblivious to any of it. I told him I needed some time to sort myself out and he says....’so what you’re saying is you can’t be bothered with me anymore’ and ‘so it’s all my fault you feel like this, is it?’. But this is constant. If I don’t text saying I love you he messages.....do you still love me.....how much do you love me...why can’t you tell me you love me. Or if it’s not that he will message...do you miss me...how much do you miss me...do you miss me more than I miss you. And then his mum does the same, she messages stuff like....awwww he misses you, do you miss him. Or ....you’re lucky to have each other, don’t you think?...this is the tip of the iceberg. If I communicate how I feel he tells me I’m wrong to feel like that. Am I losing my marbles? Is he manipulating like I suspect? It is he oblivious?

God i couldn't put up with that for 5 minutes, how are you not feel unbearably smothered and wanting to scream at him!

Agree with everyone else, this will not get better and no he won't listen to you, he's not able to see anyone's feelings but his own need for your attention.

His mum sounds just as bad, leave them to their dysfunctional bullshit together and run!

He is making you depressed
Depression is not that simple. And it leads to altered perceptions. Take some time to think of what is true and what is imagined.

He does sound a dick though....

Get rid of him. You will feel a lot better without this headfuck getting at you all the time.

That’s why I’m so unsure...my mind is not my own when I’m low. I’m worried when I’m back to my old self I’ll see things different...although I don’t think I can be my old self with him around x

He’s not a nice person, a nice person doesn’t have to tell you they’re nice and you would feel comfortable to say how you’re feeling to a nice person.

These are huge red flags, best to break it off now than have it escalate.

Very controlling, passive aggressive, and manipulative.

If I communicate how I feel he tells me I’m wrong to feel like that

He can claim that, but how you feel is how you feel, so ignore that.

To be fair though, technically you shouldn't be seeing either your mates or him, as it's unnecessary social contact. I think most people are still seeing one or two people tho, and you could say it's necessary for your mental health.

Just break it off with him, then block. Then you don't have to get into a discussion about whether your feelings are wrong or not.

Spend your social contact (if you feel you hav to have a little, as most of us do) on a couple of mates rather than him.

I know depression can change your perception of things, but what you are describing here is clear manipulative behaviour, not things that would seem okay if you weren't depressed. He doesn't respect you when you say you need space. He constantly messages you and demands your attention all the time. These are not the actions of a man you can have a healthy relationship with.

There is no future in this relationship, and for the sake of your own wellbeing you need to get out immediately. Just tell him you have been thinking about the relationship carefully, it is no longer working for you and you no longer love him, so you are drawing a line under it now. Ask him not to try to communicate with you, and block him on every possible means of contacting you.

This is over because of the abuse he metes out towards you. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. You are nothing to him, you are just a sap of a woman to be pushed around abused and used accordingly. Such men too hate women, all of them.

The longer you remain at all with him for whatever reasons, the harder he will exert his power and control over you. He targeted you OP and of that fact I have no doubt whatsoever. Both he and his abusive mother need to be blocked completely.

He will make your underlying depressed state worse and I would also think he is the root cause of your current state. Your boundaries now are certainly being messed with by this dangerous individual. Please look also into enrolling yourself onto the Freedom Programme by Womens Aid; it will help you spot red flags more easily in future.

Dump him and his batshit mother. I’m feeling claustrophobic just reading your posts.

Don’t try to reason with him or explain how you feel, he will argue with you . Just say it’s not working for me anymore, goodluck and goodbye.

Be very clear and careful as he’s just the type to turn into a crazy stalker.

I’m worried when I’m back to my old self I’ll see things different

No, you really won't. You'll realise that it was him who was causing you not to be your old self, and you will feel so much better.

he’s right. I should want to but I don’t, it’s why I question if I’m the problem

There's no 'should' about it. If you don't want to kiss and cuddle him, you don't, and it's completely inappopropriate to suggest that you have some sort of moral obligation to do so. It is his conduct which is making you feel this way, nothing else, and it is never going to get any better.

Dump him.

Thanks everyone...this has really helped me. When I talk about seeing my friends and stuff I just mean over the past year...I’m not going out unless I have too. Work and back is all my life consists of at the moment. Although even that’s a problem I guess....if I have to stay back later ,..which happens often..he says ‘if I didn’t know better I’d think something dodgy was going on’ .y mind feels a bit better already. Knowing that it’s not all in my head. Thank you

He also got another job closer to you so he could keep further tabs on you; yet another red flag re him amongst many here.

Not one single person who has posted so far thinks it’s in your head.

No one thinks his behaviour is acceptable or normal. It’s a sign of control, not love.

Its not you, its him. His abuses of you have crept up on you over time; he likely started to test your boundaries very early on in this relationship to see what you would tolerate from him.

Do not JADE such a person; i.e justify, argue, defend or explain your decision to dump him. Just do it and never be afraid to call the police if he tries to restart contact or profess change. These men do not change.

His behaviour is controlling, coercive and abusive. Don't give him another minute of your life.

He's more like a stalker than a boyfriend, moving closer, watching your every move it's really creepy as well as controlling.

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree - his mum sounds just as bad! I'd swiftly walk away from the pair of them!

I'd dump him on the grounds he's a grade A irritating fucker alone. I found myself grinding my teeth just reading your OP.

No one is saying his behaviour is ok. Read all the responses.....find the strength to walk away.....you will be better off...he is a manipulator....

You don't need a reason to dump him (and you have many, to be fair).

Blocking and Ghosting is not usually kind but in this case this is what you should do. Then you won't be drawn into explaining and him twisting it back.

Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, he's not for you (or anyone).

Dump (in your head), then
Block.
Ghost.

Your depression will lift. I guarantee it.

I went out with a guy very similar to this.....

I try to explain myself but he either completely doesn’t get it or he does and he ignores it
He's ignoring it. His tactic is "come on superstrong and completely overwhelm her emotionally and mentally so she doesn't know whether she's coming or going....play dumb when she cottons on....then keep doing it"

’why am I doing all this for our future, I even got a job up near you to be closer so we could spend more time together’
Hmmm....maybe cos YOU MADE THAT DECISION ALL BY YOURSELF AND I NEVER AGREED TO IT!

I've met girls and guys who are scarily manipulative and controlling like this.
It's as though they think they can FORCE you into the kind of relationship THEY want and at their pace too.

The best way to deal with this is to be super-blunt with him.
You are NOT responsible for HIS actions/decisions......how dare he try and put that on you??
As for the rest.....tell him straight he's not the only person in your life, you have friends and family you've known longer than him.
Your life is your own....and you refuse to 'hand it over' to one person/a guy.
YOU have every right to your own space, friends etc and he can't stop you.

There is no point explaining that his attitude is not normal...people like him who can future-fake- to create reality to this extent don't want to hear you.
You can't converse with batshit crazy.

Dump him and run...block his number/get a new number if he harasses you.

Run run run. Now. It is not you!!! He sounds creepy and this will not get better

Please get out now block him and his mother, this will only get worse, your depression will also get much worse, hugs lots of them.