Is he manipulating me or am I losing the plot?

[NoMoreMarbles0]

First ever post so please bear with me...I have a bf...with his a year. I also suffer from depression. I feel smothered to the point my depression has crept in to the point it’s never been this bad, but when I try to explain to him he reflects it back. He wants to spend every single second I have free with me. I tell him I need space and I get ....I’m sorry for being such a good boyfriend....or....why would you feel like that? .....I barely see my friends and when I do he makes me feel guilty for it....but says things like ...’sorry for wanting to see you when you have free time’. He’s nice...people on the outside looking in think he’s prefect but I’m miserable and not sure if it’s me or if he’s manipulating...or is he’s oblivious to any of it. I told him I needed some time to sort myself out and he says....’so what you’re saying is you can’t be bothered with me anymore’ and ‘so it’s all my fault you feel like this, is it?’. But this is constant. If I don’t text saying I love you he messages.....do you still love me.....how much do you love me...why can’t you tell me you love me. Or if it’s not that he will message...do you miss me...how much do you miss me...do you miss me more than I miss you. And then his mum does the same, she messages stuff like....awwww he misses you, do you miss him. Or ....you’re lucky to have each other, don’t you think?...this is the tip of the iceberg. If I communicate how I feel he tells me I’m wrong to feel like that. Am I losing my marbles? Is he manipulating like I suspect? It is he oblivious?

He doesn’t need an Oscar. He’s not acting - this is who he is. It’s how he has learned to behave towards other people . He goes on doing it because it works, at least some of the time.

Agree 100%.

I'd add that he goes on doing it in spite of if not working (one would hope) much of the time because he just can't help himself.

That's not sympathy for him or suggesting you should try to understand or counsell him by the way ; there's no solving this level of crazy. He'd have to.do it himself, and they're extremely unlikely to. They think they'd right.

FWIW, you sound rather together in your own mind. You are aware of your depression and anxiety and it sounds rather like you were managing before he started sucking up all the oxygen around you. He does sound suffocating.

It sounds as though you are aware of your mental health and between your self-knowledge and (I assume) supportive friends, you were doing ok. Unfortunately I think he has seen you as vulnerable and latched on, either that or he's too insecure for an adult relationship and is screwing up your perception with his own BS.

Not to concentrate too much on him, but "sorry for being such a good boyfriend" and "so you just don't care/don't have time", sorry for wanting to see you"... I am irritated and I don't know the guy. This is passive aggressive BS and you don't have to dance and bow to his every tantrum.

For the record - he is not a good boyfriend. Good boyfriends support their girlfriends, listen to what they need, find common ground and compromise through problems, cultivate their own individual friendships and encourage their partner to do the same.

In your place, I'd take a deep breath, compose a "this is not working for me, I want to be single, good bye" text, then block him on everything. Tell your friends what is going on so you have support, and keep a list (or this thread) of all the suffocating behaviour so that you are not tempted to go back. Good luck. xxx

If I communicate how I feel he tells me I’m wrong to feel like that.

He is trying to get inside your head and undermine everything you know to be true.

This relationship is not just toxic and unhealthy, it is potentially dangerous. He is not just passive-aggressive and manipulative, he is trying to isolate, coerce and control you.

Read this - you will find profiles of abusers just like him in this book. It is available free online.

Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft

www.pdf-archive.com/2016/09/25/why-does-he-do-that-domestic-violence/

@GilbertMarkham

I'd add that he goes on doing it in spite of if not working (one would hope) much of the time because he just can't help himself

I doubt he will be able to see that it’s his behaviour that’s the problem.

I suspect his analysis will be “ Oh well she dumped me because she was probably cheating on me / she doesn’t understand me / she’s a damaged person and can’t appreciate a loving caring man like me “.

It’s always the other persons fault.

Sadly I don’t think he will go “ oh dear, my psycho controlling behaviour is unhealthy and will prevent me from ever having a good LTR. I need to book myself in for some therapy right now and do some serious work on myself “.

That’s why they are very very unlikely to ever change. And why it’s a waste of the Ops time to sit down and explain why she’s breaking up with him.

All he thinks is “ she’s dumping me, how dare she, this proves she’s a bad person, I need to punish her for doing this to me “.

Whether he's oblivious or not makes no difference. He doesn't listen to you or respect your words and feelings anyway, so if you tried to explain to him he'd just dismiss it.

I can’t keep questioning my own sanity for the sake of his So glad to see this post. It's the crux of getting out of an abusive relationship, which is what you're in.

*I suspect his analysis will be “ Oh well she dumped me because she was probably cheating on me / she doesn’t understand me / she’s a damaged person and can’t appreciate a loving caring man like me “.

It’s always the other persons fault.

Sadly I don’t think he will go “ oh dear, my psycho controlling behaviour is unhealthy and will prevent me from ever having a good LTR. I need to book myself in for some therapy right now and do some serious work on myself “.*

Spot on.

I had a relationship with a controlling man. He had reasons for why his previous four relationships had broken down, the longer the relationship went on the more I doubted them.

I have no doubt he gave different reasons to the next prospective partner/s about why our relationship broken down too. (It was a number of factors but he'll mention everything except him being controlling, jealous, possessive, insecure etc.). I can't be certain but from some slightly embarrassing Facebook stalking he doesn't seem to have got into a lasting relationship since then (which is quite a long time now).

But if will never be his controlling behaviour, always everything and everyone else.

I wonder does anyone have an example of even one of these types truly changing.

*it

Ah that explains why you always post so insightfully on this subject. Well done for getting out when you did.

Well....he messaged saying he wanted to talk. I’ve put across what I wanted to say.....he’s twisted everything, as predicted. It’s because (his words) ...I can’t be bothered...I’m just a toy to him when it suits me....he’s tired of not existing to me ....,I’m asking my gf who is supposed to love me to give a shit about me. Probably the worst line.....I do have respect for you but you don’t have respect for me and if you did I wouldn’t be like this.

I’m done talking to him. I’m not even replying anymore.

Well done op. You have seen him for who he is.
Now block him.

Well done for getting out when you did.

I can't accept credit where it's not due - I left to get back together with a long-term ex and while we're together a long time later, thus relationship has its own (different) issues too. Consideration of the relationship and "solutions" is suspended at the moment.

*Well....he messaged saying he wanted to talk. I’ve put across what I wanted to say.....he’s twisted everything, as predicted. It’s because (his words) ...I can’t be bothered...I’m just a toy to him when it suits me....he’s tired of not existing to me ....,I’m asking my gf who is supposed to love me to give a shit about me. Probably the worst line.....I do have respect for you but you don’t have respect for me and if you did I wouldn’t be like this.

I’m done talking to him. I’m not even replying anymore.*

You can't reason with the unreasonable.

He sounded absolutely suffocating in your op.

V manipulative too.

What an absolute twat OP...why would a any ody want to engage with an idiot like that.

He sounds soooooo tedious.

It will always be your fault OP. You could fart rainbow dust and lay golden eggs and it would be your fault.

Good for you. OP. Just block him now.

Just block him now. He's a knob.

Don't just block, he might turn up at your door.

Send one final message. Tell him he's dumped and you don't want to hear from him or his mother again. Then block both of them.

If he's a pest, ask police to have a stern word. Honestly life is short. Just get rid.

He sounds worrying. Do tell him it’s over and you don’t want to see him again before blocking him. You don’t want him just turning up.

If you're "not bothered' then he won't be expecting to hear anymore from you, will he? And if you're so awful it's best to end the relationship. Don't bother replying but that's what I'd want to say.

Block block block on all fronts.

He sounds bloody awful OP, proper psycho scary. Please text him one more time

‘This relationship is not working for me so I’m calling it a day. Please do not contact me again. Best of luck for the future.’

Then block, block block block, and if he tries to get in contact ignore ignore ignore. If he becomes a pest then call the police, but they will only act if you don’t respond to him. If you reply they’ll say you’re encouraging him, so please do be aware of that, because by the sounds of him you might just need them.

Remember, every time you cave in and respond, all he’ll take from it is just how many messages, phone calls, letters, visits to your house etc it takes to get your attention. Each time you respond the whole process will start again, and the start point where he thinks you’re ignoring will be after the 30 or 40 messages it took to get a response the last time.Basically each time you respond will buy you a few more weeks of grief.

Please take this seriously because he sounds like a proper crazy. Rip off the plaster and get him out of your hair as quickly and efficiently as you can. I hope I’m wrong and he’ll just go quietly without a fuss but I’m afraid it doesn’t sound like he will.

Oh, and please ignore the inevitable suicide threats. He will not kill himself over you, he’s not even that bothered about keeping you because he’s refusing to do the things that would make you want to stay with him, so again, ignore ignore ignore.

He’s emotionally abusive and needs to get himself help.

Please don’t let him crawl back with love bombing etc. He sounds unhinged, definitely controlling and doesn’t want you to have a life. Really horrible, scary behaviour.

Well done OP.

Good for you.

How are you feeling? Relieved? Guilty? Exhausted? Giddy?