Don't live together, when will we see each other

[Windywuss]

I've been with my boyfriend/dp for about year and half. He lives an hour away.

Can't get my head around not knowing when I'll see him again. What are others doing? Feeling really tearful. Already haven't seen him for 2 weeks. I miss him.

Thank you @Aloe6 and @Windywuss.
He loves his independence and has too much of stuff at home he 'needs to work on' - we were going live together in the future but not quite yet.
Thinking of that there is no reason why he couldn't move in temporarily. It was seen as he nearly lives with us but still needs to sort his bins / post at home.
He really took it personal as if I wanted to control his whereabouts rather than lockdown reasons.
It looks like I am seeing his true colours and his actions from now on will tell me a lot.

Slightly different for me in that my bf of 7 months was already here when they announced lock down so although he was planning on going home on friday, he is now stuck here until all this is over. It's not a problem as such as he'd met my kids anyway and they like him but it's not what we had planned and we both like our independence so it's going to be a test for us too but in a different way!

I should have added, he lives about 40 mins away and only I have a car - he uses public transport.

It’s hurtful @oreoxoreo. I thought mine might move in temporarily as we won’t live together permanently just now because of other commitments but he’s chosen to stay in his house a short distance away with his (very) grown up dc who has returned for the duration. Suppose I’ve just got to see by the end of it all what to do. I’m suffering really badly from anxiety so trying not to make a snap decision

@MadamePewter .. I hear you. My heart goes out to you.

@oreoxoreo. Do have a good cry 😢🌷

Then TRY to be a big pragmatic. If in the current climate he can’t see that seeing friends is not only ‘off limits’ but more importantly fucking selfish & stupid then you might decide he’s not who you thought he was and that if keeping you & your kids safe is not more important to him than seeing a couple of friends, again he might not be who you thought he was.

Plus if he’s going off on one about you ‘controlling’ him at a time like this, then I’d suggest you really think hard about whether you want to be with someone like that.

I know it’s a particularly difficult time to consider breaking up with someone, but better to find out now, before he moves in.

Big cry first though x

It's really not going to be as bad as you think, I promise😊 Just spent the last year in a long distance relationship (me in South America, him here in the UK) and we're going to do the same (if coronavirus doesnt fuck it up) from this July. Absence definitely does make the heart grow fonder, and there are so many ways that you can make it a little easier (sexting, skyping, watching series together, etc)

@BestOption many thanks for support. Already sobbing at lunch o'clock, but you are totally right.

Maybe he doesn't care as much as I thought he was. My boys love him and we just bought a cat together, and yet he thinks visiting his friends is not a big deal and indifferently agrees to stay away for weeks when I tell him otherwise.

Need to think that the distance will do us good to revaluate where we stand...

Sob away, just don’t rub your eyes!!

Unless he’s just staying home for the next 7 days (which seems unlikely!!) you’ll need to evaluate whether you feel it’s ‘safe’ to even have him back then.

Frankly preferring to stay away for 7 days than not see a friend ‘for a chat’ would really be telling me all I need to know, combined with the whining about being ‘controlled’. What part of the new ‘rules/law’(?!) to not see family or friends’ does the bloke not get? I have a very low tolerance with ‘stupid’

Ahhrg boyfriend just texted that he's cancelled friends and going straight to his home. But my faith in him has been lost. Not sure what it means for us.

Ffs I’ve not seen my mum my children or my grandchildren we are all having to keep away from loved ones. Buck up

@Llot5 it’s not competitive misery! Why can’t we all just have some compassion

I think the whole situation is going to give us an insight into various aspects of people. Particularly those closest to us.

The bloke I'm seeing (well not at the moment) is very much in line with my view - we won't be seeing each other for the duration. Neither of us are happy about it, and we both miss each other, but we were both very clear on it and seem very much on the same page.
I'd be losing a lot of respect for him if he was ignoring the measures.

Yes my bf, his flatmate and friend more to the point has a serious underlying condition. Im "lucky" that he sees me as a risk because i have teenagers. When this was first on the news he didnt believe it would be this serious but now he realises that if he brought it back to the apartment he shares with his friend, he would never be able to forgive /forget that. :-/

Mine is very clear that despite (because of?) the appalling time I am having just now he can’t leave his mentally and physically robust grown up child. I think I need to re-evaluate.....

Btw, I totally understand the worries of those with vulnerable family: I’m not totally self centred

I thought mine might move in temporarily as we won’t live together permanently just now because of other commitments but he’s chosen to stay in his house a short distance away with his (very) grown up dc

Interesting yet opposite here. Dp is isolated in his own home, near his grown up sons. I am isolated in mine about an hour away, alone.

I think he had some idea that we would isolate for two weeks and then I would move to his. He didn't fully articulate this, just hinted at it. But it's a hard no from me! I want to be in my own home.

I've posted him a couple of things (one pre lockdown, one mail order) and he keeps telling me about the long shopping lists he is giving his sons to get for him (and the resulting lovely food etc) while I am here with noone to shop for me. And following the instructions to only go out for essential supplies (I don't think you can get round this by sending someone else out when you fancy sushi?).

I work, he doesn't. Work is nuts right now. Yet I've been able to make time to call him, but when I do, he puts me on loud speaker and clatters around doing stuff so I can't hear him.
I suggested we arrange a time for a call so we could just focus on each other but he thought that was ridiculous. I suggested we find an online game to play together. No. I suggested we have a video date night with a drink and watch a TV show together - again, no, but he changed his mind on that.

Anyway.....it's not going well from my pov, not sure we'll survive it.

@AlternativePerspective
I guess you are right some relationships will survive and others won't.
I live 70 miles apart from DH (he doesn't like the big city), & I have an SEN child whose needs are best provided in the city.
The @DoubleAction (Service partner) said something important about in the past, people survived long-distant relationships through letters & the odd phone call, if both sides cared enough. Been there done that & survived over a decade with my ex. Funny enough, our very differing reactions to a major health crisis lead to us splitting up.

Separations are tough, stressful & emotionally draining, especially if you are just starting out, or need reassurance + love (of course). Some partners just don't get it, that they could be more supportive & responsible to maintaining the relationship in other ways; others use it as an opportunity to control/manipulate the relationship to their own benefit.

But thanks to all who replied, even though I have coped well so far almost 2 wks, I was getting to my limit.

I don't feel so alone now about feeling lonely, missing him & questioning my partner's love/support. I realise it's sometimes better to weather the storm alone (I've done it before), than stay in with a 'semi-wildcat' who cannot follow the rules properly. & maybe he is in his own annoying way trying to protect me.

At least when we do meet up, eventually it will be a semi-honeymoon for a while. We have a birthday and wedding anniversary to celebrate, and family holidays to look forward to, all being well.
+

Interesting programme on radio 4 about corona virus and the moral maze. At first I was thinking no way with the lock down but it's a really interesting listen and deals with people's judgements. Maybe not seeing our partners is good as we have to live with ourselves. I'm going to use it as a period of reflection.

It's called the moral maze.
Some of us maybe panicking because we don't like our own company and we are so used to being busy.