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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don't live together, when will we see each other

145 replies

Windywuss · 21/03/2020 09:19

I've been with my boyfriend/dp for about year and half. He lives an hour away.

Can't get my head around not knowing when I'll see him again. What are others doing? Feeling really tearful. Already haven't seen him for 2 weeks. I miss him.

OP posts:
Aloe6 · 22/03/2020 16:33

I don’t know anyone in real life who is isolating themselves from their boyfriend or live out partner.

flouncymcflouncerson · 22/03/2020 16:41

@aloe thanks that’s kind of what I’m thinking for now. I plan to see him at his house, it’s not like we’re going to be going out and about.

Qwerty543 · 22/03/2020 17:24

I honestly can't see the difference in a partner visiting either. If I was still married, exH would be going to work and coming back again and staying in. DP is doing exactly the same except some nights he goes back to his instead, and stays in. If either of us get symptoms then I will re-evaluate but at the moment there is no need.

Daffodil9911 · 22/03/2020 18:20

Same here. Face time and text plus send cute gifs etc. Not easy. Very depressing but once you're both strong for each other you'll get through it. We're all in this together. It won't be forever. Stay safe.

Daffodil9911 · 22/03/2020 18:22

Meant to add that in my case I live with my elderly parents and my young child. I have no other choice.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 22/03/2020 18:59

Oh well fuck it then I'll just carry on as I was before. Listen I feel for everyone, I'm not saying it's hard. I feel for everyone but why is it so hard just to do what we are asked. For the sake of everyone. My best friend has been isolated for over 2 weeks with her kids because her little boy is desperately ill and she is trying to mitigate risk. I just dont see why (nor agree) that people cant stop bloody dating when she (and lots of others) are making huge sacrifices.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 22/03/2020 19:03

It's not our place to have an opinion or to be able to see the difference, trying to justify what we are doing. The fact is we are being asked to socially distance for a reason, by scientists, drs and a whole host of others who know better than us. You cant live together and mitigate impact. Well then you dont need to be seeing eachother. My son hasn't and wont be seeing his oldest child for a while. If people can do it in that scenario I'm sure others can.

Original poster
Windywuss · 22/03/2020 19:06

Again I am not seeing him until I know he's been following advice more closely and I would check advice at that time but we're in a relationship. Have been for year and half. That's bit more than 'dating'.

OP posts:
opticaldelusion · 22/03/2020 19:36

If you know someone's risk profile then you can judge what difference it will make. If my fella sees absolutely no one and walks the 500 yards to my house at 9pm encountering no one on the way, I'd be curious to know what additional risk I'm exposed to by seeing him.

Lweji · 22/03/2020 19:43

I'm in a similar boat, although he's been more careful and I'm secure in my relationship.

We have parents we need to support and tbh, I'd rather not spread or catch anything apart from the people at home. Right now it's only DS and I and I'm the only one venturing out if necessary.
I'll only take shopping to my mum.

We can do as when someone is travelling for now, but I know it will be hard over the next couple of months.

flirtingwith40 · 22/03/2020 20:20

I'm really struggling with this.
Anxiety and depression have took hold of me this week. I live alone and I can't stand the thought of being in lockdown by myself for months, I don't think I can do it.
I've been seeing someone for 5 months, he lives with his parents (I know!!!) for irrelevant circumstances, I just wish he'd say he would stay with me. We're both working from home and doing essential trips out only (chemist for prescription and food)
I just feel like what's the point in continuing with this if we can't be there for each other when it matters.
I just feel so alone. I don't think I would feel this alone if I was single.

Bluejuicyapple · 22/03/2020 20:29

We message and phone throughout the day. We have also met for a 2 metre apart walk and we did stick to it, no touching at all which was really hard. Planning a few slightly sexy phone calls too.
I take offence to people who say we aren’t committed. 2 widows, 3 teen child apiece, just not an option currently.

Chasingsquirrels · 22/03/2020 20:31

opticaldelusion, if that the case and you aren't exposed to anyone else either, then there is very little additional risk, and after 14 days of neither of you having any other exposure presumably there is almost no risk.
Are neither of you seeing anyone, getting shopping etc?

WhatTheHellHappenedArgh · 22/03/2020 20:39

I think the advice needs to be made clearer by the government to be honest and they need to specifically say "you should only be physically seeing members of your household". They haven't said that explicitly and people on here may think that is obvious (and so do I) but the majority of people I've spoken to IRL haven't realised that at all.

Fidgety31 · 22/03/2020 20:46

It sounds like those who live with their partners seem to think they are entitled to a relationship but those that don’t live together are not !

Bingowingslikeashieldofsteel · 22/03/2020 20:48

My partner and I live apart but have spent the weekend at mine. He's still at work at the mo (can't see them staying open for much longer) so had to go back to his this evening. The minute his company closes he will come straight here as he lives with vulnerable relatives so really could do with not being there to allow them to self-isolate.

We've both agreed too that if either of us display symptoms we'll both self isolate here as that takes anyone else out of the equation - he's actively distancing from them at home and they've only just returned there so hopefully there's minimal risk. It's not an ideal plan (far from it) but it's the best we can do for now.

Incidentally I'm still working as I'm a key worker but I'm not rota'd in again now until next Monday. I seriously hope his company closes its doors soon so we can do what we consider to be the safest option all round.

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 22/03/2020 20:50

BF has basically moved in while schools are closed. We have primary school aged children and it makes working a lot easier. I can't wfh and he can do it a lot easier if I'm about.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 22/03/2020 20:52

For those of you are sticking to the social distancing rules in these hard times, well I applaud you. For those of you that arent .. ..all i have to say is look at the reports out of Italy.... then tell me I'm wrong.
You can slag me off all you like but this shit is real. If your relationship is that important to you and you can, live together temporarily. If not then pause it until we are through this. Cant do that/ dont want to do ethat/ but continue as is, well then its selfish. End of.

RichardMarxisinnocent · 22/03/2020 21:50

I think the advice needs to be made clearer by the government to be honest and they need to specifically say "you should only be physically seeing members of your household". They haven't said that explicitly and people on here may think that is obvious (and so do I) but the majority of people I've spoken to IRL haven't realised that at all.

I agree that the government do need to spell it out as it seems it isn't clear to everyone, The table summarising the advice says "Having friends and family to the house" is advised against, and this is the advice I am going with. I last saw my boyfriend of 3 years several days ago and before I left his we said goodbye for the moment, a pretty tearful goodbye on my part as we don't know when we will next see each other in person.

I does feel a bit silly not seeing him as we both live alone, so no risk of potentially infecting anyone else in either household, and we are both wfh and are only going out to get food so no more risk than a couple who live together and alternate going food shopping. There is the journey from mine to his - that would be done on foot and is usually quiet and easy enough to keep 2 metres from anyone else so again a low risk. But as a PP says people living together have little choice but to see each other. My boyfriend and I can choose to possibly /hopefully reduce the spread by not seeing each other, so that's what we plan to do.

lilyheather1 · 22/03/2020 22:08

I think the advice is not to have anyone visit your home or vice versa. It is hard, but it's very necessary. Please don't try to bend the guidelines to suit your situation because it's hard otherwise. Easy to say I know, but the sooner we all heed the advice properly, the sooner we can beat this.

MurrayTheMonk · 23/03/2020 07:07

Tricky I'm sure. I get it, it's hard...but...
Found out yesterday that exh has still been seeing his girlfriend (and I assume her kids who live between her house and their own dads). None of my business and I wouldn't care were myself and our two DD's not self isolating for two weeks (as dd1 was symptomatic-not least as exh has his at risk parent staying with him and we all felt she must be protected as much as possible).

Meanwhile my DP who lives with us has stayed away for two weeks as he is still working and we felt the risk of transmission from him to us and then kids to exh and exh's mum was too great.He won't come back unless he get sick or his work shuts and he can socially distance more effectively.

It has annoyed me a bit tbh...we are all making sacrifices and it sucks but we have to get on with it-ALL of us-as to not do so will mean this bastard thing goes on all the longer...

Notcoolmum · 23/03/2020 13:42

We have agreed not to see each Other from now on. Feels so wrong to not be able to be comforted by the person you love at this time but I do take the risks very seriously. I feel really sad today but I suppose it will become our new normal and who knows what lies ahead in the coming weeks/months.

PinkMonkeyBird · 23/03/2020 14:26

After reading this thread, I think I'm coming to the conclusion that I need to speak to my chap about not seeing each other for the forseeable. We are nearly 6 months into a relationship and it is serious, but he's just under 100 miles away from me. He has been WFH for the past 2 weeks with minimal interaction apart from buying groceries, I've only managed one week of lone working and part WFH with no direct contact with anyone else except for my daughter, who lives with me.

I stayed at his at the weekend and we didn't interact with anyone else. He was planning on coming up to mine this weekend, but now I think we need to seriously keep apart for a few weeks at the very least.

Another question; what are people doing with your kids who live in between two households?!

Original poster
Windywuss · 23/03/2020 15:11

I feel really sad today.

My ex has had our ds for a few hours. However he has a cold(just snot.. No other symptoms) and so does ds now and maybe now me. Ex is still seeing his gf who has 2 kids who see their dad. If I were to see my dp, he has a son who then still may go to school as his mum is a teacher.

So the potential impact of just these few contacts of lovers and their exes and their kids is no good. Without kids involved I think it's doable to see partners with care. With children involved going between houses, I think we can't.

OP posts:
MurrayTheMonk · 23/03/2020 15:19

When DD's are off their 14 day stretch we will have the girls between the two houses but both will be otherwise socially isolating is the plan.
Potential spanners are that I'm a keyworker so can't wfh, which runs risk of bringing it back to DD's and exh has his at risk Mum
Living at his. She will isolate from the rest of them within the house.
Still not sure it's all that safe for her but that's the best we can do.
I suggested exh move in here, at least whilst the girls are locked down for 14 days (wouldn't have enjoyed it but he is of course missing them). He said no...
So that's our best plan going forwards-have both houses socially distancing as much as possible.