OLD help please. Guy told me he is bi, how to politely say I don't wish to continue?

[LoveintheTimeofCoronaa]

Hi all,

Could do with some help please!

I've been chatting to a bloke online, seems nice. He has just informed me he is bisexual 'in case it puts me off'.

Not sure I can fully explain why, even to myself as I have zero issues with anybody's sexuality but I would prefer not to continue this. We haven't met but I do want to be decent and give him a response.

I'm not looking to be called a homophobe as I assure you I am not. Just want to be tactful.

How would you express this politely??

Thanks!

I don’t find gay sex disgusting, just sexually unappealing.

Then don’t have gay sex then.

In fact, on the contrary, one answer I did give was that if a man had had sexual experiences with another male in the past it would not bother me as long as he had long since reached the conclusion that he is fully heterosexual. So no, I don't feel any distaste surrounding sex between men.

How very clever of you swerf. Not an option anyway not being male 🤷🏻‍♀️

Ummm I’ve had plenty of gay sex and I’m
not male...

It’s not homophobic, you can date who you want. You would never be able to fulfill all his needs.

Wow. Somebody needs some education on bisexuality.

It’s called ‘implicit bias’ - here explained but referring to race : Few people openly admit to holding racist beliefs but many psychologists claim most of us are nonetheless unintentionally racist. We hold, what are called "implicit biases". So what is implicit bias, how is it measured and what, if anything, can be done about it? David Edmonds has been investigating.

It’s not homophobic, you can date who you want.

Wholeheartedly agree. It's true you can date who you want and I wouldn't ever think otherwise.

You would never be able to fulfill all his needs.

Appreciate this is by a PP not OP. Offensive because as a bisexual person I hate the idea somehow I'm inherently promiscuous.

It's like saying if someone finds two different races attractive, they shouldn't be with someone of either exclusively as they couldn't possibly 'fulfil all their needs'. It makes me cringe that someone thinks that. When dressed up as a statement of fact, it's as offensive as it is untrue.

I have an implicit bias against short men.
I don’t feel the need to navel gaze and explore WHY I have this implicit bias, I just don’t date short men.
Nobody should ever feel the need to examine why someone doesn’t do it for them sexually

Ok there is a link to an implicit bias test - it’s fascinating.

implicit.harvard.edu/implicit/Study?tid=-1

Ahh I don’t think that link worked - I’ll try another and - if you want to do it - select the one for sexuality

implicit.harvard.edu/implicit/takeatest.html

PicturesOfCats that’s not what implicit bias means, it’s the exact opposite of implicit bias.

Acknowledging implicit bias is important because it spills over into all kinds of other areas where equality actually is important, like hiring practices. I wouldn’t feel comfortable as a lesbian applying for a job with or working alongside some of the posters on this thread, since I wouldn’t feel confident their evident disdain for gay people wouldn’t create an unfair bias against me.

Please don’t compare racial discrimination to fancying tall men.

Still doesn’t mean women can’t date and not date whomever they choose of course.

Backseatcookers I made that statement. It obviously hit a nerve but it is why I would never want to marry a man who also liked men. I wouldn’t be able to handle the idea that I couldn’t fulfill a part of his sexuality even if he was monogamous. I just wouldn’t want the psychological worry or have to deal with any issues that might arise from his bisexuality. It is more complicated than a heterosexual relationship.

Why do you assume that a bisexual person less likely to be monogamous than a heterosexual person? Surely that’s a bias.

Backseatcookers I made that statement. It obviously hit a nerve but it is why I would never want to marry a man who also liked men.

It isn't so much that it hit a nerve in a hurtful way, I just felt your reasoning was a bit offensive. I want to make it clear though that I absolutely think your right to not want to date someone for whatever reason is absolutely your right - no question there from me.

I wouldn’t be able to handle the idea that I couldn’t fulfill a part of his sexuality even if he was monogamous. I just wouldn’t want the psychological worry or have to deal with any issues that might arise from his bisexuality. It is more complicated than a heterosexual relationship.

And I think that's the key. It's "the idea" that you wouldn't want to confront - that doesn't mean that idea is something that's accurate. If that makes sense? Some of my Irish Catholic family wouldn't date people of some religions because they think they would support terrorism when the vast majority of them wouldn't.

I support their right to not want to date anyone for any reason, but I also support my right to find that reason offensive or troubling. Neither cancels out the other.

Being a bisexual woman is difficult because many men fetishise it and think it means you've got off with girls in clubs a few times to impress guys. When actually I've had relationships with men and women. Funnily enough in my adult life (I'm now mid 30s) I've had 5 relationships of 2-4 years each, never cheated and never had a one night stand. I'm surprised how many people are surprised at that when they know I'm bi.

Again it's fine if you don't feel able to cope with being with someone bi, absolutely that's your right and nobody should ever do something they're uncomfortable with, and nobody wants to be with someone who isn't comfortable with them anyway. Thats not up for debate in my book.

I just challenge your belief that in principle a bisexual person would be unable / unwilling to be happy and faithful with one person because they are attracted to people of both genders.

It is bias but I wouldn’t want to risk going into a marriage and be proved right. When choosing a life partner you risk everything.

I'm worried I'm not being clear - if someone said they didn't want to be in a relationship with me because I'm bisexual then I don't think I'd be offended, but if they said "because you're bisexual so obviously I wouldn't be able to fulfil your sexual needs" then I would be offended because it's reducing me down to an assumption my sexuality means I'm not monogamous when I am.

Backseatcookers it is an idea I agree. However you would have to probably agree with me that being bisexual is harder than being straight. Therefore a potential partner would have to share that hardship with you and no everyone is willing to do that.

The bottom line is that if you seek a non-monogamous committed relationship, bisexuals might be more amenable bet than straights, gays, or lesbians. Indeed, studies show that about 65 percent of women, and 20-30 percent of men, in polyamorous and swinger communities identify as bisexual—much higher than the low single digits typical of the general population. If, on the other hand, you seek a monogamous relationship, there are many bisexuals who may be perfectly agreeable.

Sorry - I copied that from a study...not my words...

Some of my Irish Catholic family wouldn't date people of some religions because they think they would support terrorism when the vast majority of them wouldn't

but some would ? So therefore you cannot speak for ALL bis if you apply the same logic ?

However you would have to probably agree with me that being bisexual is harder than being straight. Therefore a potential partner would have to share that hardship with you and no everyone is willing to do that.

Yes I 100% agree it is harder to be bi than to be straight, because of preconceptions about monogamy in particular.

And not everyone is willing to do that and nor should they feel even slightly obliged or compelled to. I wouldn't ever want anyone to be with someone they didn't want to be with / felt uncomfortable with for any reason, whatsoever.

My point is that it's harder to be bi than straight because of the misconceptions about it, not because of an innate lack of ability to be monogamous or predisposition to being faithful to a partner.

It's that belief that I'm challenging.

If someone said they wouldn't be with someone bi because they'd find it awkward or difficult dealing with the misconception / perception that bi people aren't monogamous (but were willing to acknowledge that that perception is likely to be untrue for many and offensive to many) that would make perfect sense.

That's totally different to saying they wouldn't be with someone bi because they genuinely believe that person wouldn't be willingly monogamous or able to be faithful.

I hope I'm explaining the difference well? Maybe I'm not.

but some would ? So therefore you cannot speak for ALL bis if you apply the same logic ?

Of course I don't, I would never claim to speak for "all bi" people, mainly because we aren't a homogenous people with one voice.

My logic is: in principle they might be correct about an individual, but the blanket assumption is offensive.

I don't believe all people of a certain religion support terrorism but I am perfectly aware some of them do.

I still wouldn't say that I therefore wouldn't be friends with someone of that religion in principle because I thought they were more likely than not to support terrorism.

The logic does follow.

Again to be clear I 100% unreservedly prioritise anyone's right not to date someone, for any reason, at all period.

I also reserve the right to find the assumption that bi people are not capable of being monogamous, in principle, upsetting and offensive.