OLD help please. Guy told me he is bi, how to politely say I don't wish to continue?

[LoveintheTimeofCoronaa]

Hi all,

Could do with some help please!

I've been chatting to a bloke online, seems nice. He has just informed me he is bisexual 'in case it puts me off'.

Not sure I can fully explain why, even to myself as I have zero issues with anybody's sexuality but I would prefer not to continue this. We haven't met but I do want to be decent and give him a response.

I'm not looking to be called a homophobe as I assure you I am not. Just want to be tactful.

How would you express this politely??

Thanks!

SwerfandTurf funnily enough, I used that as an example further down the thread (no reason you'd have seen it but it's there if you're really short of reading material) and made a similar argument about tone and intention, so at least I'm vaguely consistent!

Basically my point is some men (or women) will hold religious beliefs in that area, of course, or just have a deep preference for a virgin (perhaps being one themselves) or for whatever other reason it is just what works for them with no malice behind it or judgement of those who are not and I think that's fair enough. Others will be unpleasant, misogynistic (or unusual types of misandristic, I suppose) arseholes and make that clear.

And shades of grey in between those two, of course, not least because of the socialisation of the ideas about the role of women that you point to.

It is a nuanced thing, as you say, because if a man is being swayed by his socialisation about appropriate or desirable sexual behaviour in women to the point of simply rejecting, say, me as a viable sexual partner I would say that I am no worse off.

I don't necessarily think he is a terrible person, but he has been made to limit his own options, possibly at the expense of finding the most suitable partner for him. I suppose I'm asking myself whether I can feel sorry for someone who has been manipulated into acting in a way that harms themselves, not me, but it's unaware of it...? It may be too late for me to think of this coherently!

This is a very weird thread where a lot of things are being conflated.

Anyone has the right to say no for any reason. Including if those reasons are, as in this case, based on a stereotype of a group.

You can both say no quite rightly and have that no based on a prejudice, assumption or phobia.

These things are not exclusive.

I think I agree with almost everyone on both sides of this thread. The op can and should discontinue with this man. She is perfectly right to do that. And she has done that based on a set of negative/false assumptions she holds about bisexuals or about bisexual men.

Why is it false assumptions? Bi men fancy bi men and that’s not false at all, and as it turns out then she told him she didn’t want to continue and then he told her that he fancies a guy at the moment, what if she had told him that she still wanted to continue the relationship with him, would he did suddenly not fancy the man anymore?

Your post says that she is perfectly within her rights to not want to proceed with this man and then you say it’s because of false beliefs she has, bi men have anal sex with other men and to the pp that said not all bi men have anal sex with each other, well I think it’s pretty safe to say that most do bloody well so have anal sex with other men, and it’s naive, and quite frankly a lot of rubbish to suggest there’s many that don’t, I cannot see this at all.

It’s a turn off for the majority of women to think of the man that they fancy, fancying and/or having had sex with men, even men kissing with each other turns me off, I would be massively insecure with a bi man and I think most of us that are saying we wouldn’t date him, would also be insecure, even if I was to learn everything I could about what it is to be a bi man then I still wouldn’t be okay with this.

Why must a person make out we don’t know enough to decide and that our beliefs are false?! That’s just basically calling us homophobic in a better way, imo anyway.

Backlash why are you assuming I hold any false or negative beliefs about bisexual men?

This is what I can't seem to establish with anyone who shares your point of view.

Why must a preference not to date them be based on any falsehoods or ill feeling?

If it was simply, as PPs have mentioned, that I am turned off by a male partner also finding men attractive, what is false or negative about that?

I don't agree with othering bisexual folk by suggesting they are incapable of being fulfilled by monogamous relationships and don't hold any negative views on sex between men.

Clearly the guy knows it's a probable issue hence giving her the information and freedom to choose. So does that make him biphobic too?
Ffs

Bi men fancy bi men
You have literally no idea what bisexuality is, do you?

to the pp that said not all bi men have anal sex with each other, well I think it’s pretty safe to say that most bloody well do
Completely, laughable false. You obviously don’t have many bi/gay friends and have spent no time around the LGB community.

My closest friend is bisexual and he’s had anal twice in his life, and has been celibate since the end of his last (M/M) monogamous LTR ended five years ago. Why are you so invested in spreading bigoted stereotypes? It has nothing to do with the OP.

The thread is “How do women turn down sex/relationships they don’t want and aren’t obligated to have.” Not “let’s discuss how gross and dirty non-straights are with their nasty icky obsessions with anuses.”

If you say so, OP. But that’s not how your posts read.

Well it isn't what my posts actually say, so it looks like the view that the only possible reason for excluding bisexual men from one's potential partners is based on prejudice is itself based on conjecture or projection.

Unless you have any examples of my false or negative views?

Heads up: I have deliberately not explained any reasons for this so I don't know where you would find those examples.

Saying you'd never date any person from a specific race is fine and no one should be forced or coerced into doing anything they don't want to. However this doesn't stop it coming from a place of racism.

Bullshit. Completely. For example with myself (I’m bi and don’t find the op phobic if it matters at all) I do not find Indian men attractive, (in general there could be outliers) that doesn’t make me a racist, I just literally do not get turn on looking at Indian men. I’m not into blondes either, same exact feeling with both turn offs. I can’t explain them, never thought I had to. Simply understood that we all have preferences and any preference is valid when it comes to being intimate, simple.

For me, I don’t find the thought of the man I’m with sucking on a dick attractive, so personally I wouldn’t want to date a man who is also into other men. It’s not for me, no explanation needed.

but you did explain and it sounds phobic. Sorry.

No - it’s not for you and it IS your personal choice. Maybe phobia is on a spectrum or scale - and it’s not just a case of yes and no. I would have similar stance with race. I don’t consider myself racist - but I wonder if I have low level of - even subconscious - racism.

LexMitior

But it’s not phobic of me to say that. The image of two men having sex does not turn me on. Therefore I’m not attracted to men than find other men attractive. It’s very simple to understand.

You’re entitled to sleep with or not sleep with whomever you choose, but that’s weird logic.

Very, very few women are “turned on” by the image of their boyfriends having sex with other women, according to your logic that means most women would only find male virgins attractive!

Explain what? I have given no explanation. What are you referring to?

All I have said is that I don't want to date a bisexual man.

And I haven't seen any compelling reason to agree that that in itself is phobic.

Sorry, OP. But I look down on you for this.

Luckily, he won't have to date someone like you.

I look down on you for this

A far more appealing prospect than conducting a sexual relationship with someone in order to avoid people’s judgement and disapproval.

Sorry, OP. But I look down on you for this

As if anyone G A F what some random on MN thinks of them! Hilarious 😆

BlueStocking suits me fine. Why on earth would that be of any consequence to me?

And it doesn't answer my question above.

Nobody says you need to conduct a relationship with someone. Your choice.

But I am amazed that quite of lot of posters are content to refer to sex between men with real distaste. That is beyond a preference and is homophobic. It is not different from being a braggart in a pub going on about gay men and their sex lives. It’s horrible. You don’t get a free pass to do that. That is homophobic.

I haven't said that. I don't think it.

So, what part of my responses have been homophobic or biphobic?

but you did explain and it sounds phobic. Sorry